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October 18, 2015

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Amused, Angry, Commentary, Iron-Blooded Orphans, Nothing of Value, TV/Anime

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Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 3

"Kudelia" needs to watch Pleasantville.

“Kudelia” needs to watch Pleasantville.

Episode 3 – Glorious Misogyny

  • Daisuki-DOTTO-NETTO!!
    • Double exclamation points are teh bomb.
  • “Eating again? – Or(l)ga
    • Yes, Or(l)ga. Humans tend to fucking eat. Repeatedly.
      • Are you in any way surprised that Augus is eating a lot after a battle in which a Hitler Nintendo NX nearly killed him?
  • Augus’ overcoat in no way flatters his ridiculously ripped physique. It looks like something made for the inhabitants of Planet Moscow. Or something.
  • That was the most boring and inconsequential opening of an anime episode I’ve seen in a while.
    • “Hey, eating again?”
    • “Yep.”
    • “Huh. Okay. Well then.”
    • [cut to opening sequence]
      • You know what this means, children: the budget ran ooooooooooooooooooooooooooout. Hee hee.
  • PSA: despite this opening sequence’s implications, Iron-Blooded Orphans’ gender ratio does not reflect reality.
    • Shocking PSA: there are slightly more women than men in the general population.
      • Very shocking PSA: they are people just as much as men, with their own dreams, fears, aspirations, and worth.
        • Sorry to blow your mind, Japan.
          • (But not really, you misogynist twerps.)
  • Oh ho ho, Biscuit is in charge of food after the crisis. It’s not like he could be a competent engineer or anything. Fat people love food.
    • Ha ha. It’s funny because Japan is still stuck in 1954.
  • Great idea, Biscuit: give a giant boiling pot of food to your twin sisters to carry. They’re only, like, eight years old. The pot probably weighs as much as both of them combined.
    • Are you trying to give them second-degree burns and a horrific childhood memory?
      • World’s Best Brother, AD 23-something: Biscuit.
  • ありがとう、アトラ。皆喜んでいる。” -Biscuit
    • Oh, of course the woman is in charge of food too.
      • Looking past the tired, happy-feely horseshit that Biscuit seems to Chief of Staff for, this scene is clearly implying that women have nothing to contribute to society beyond supporting men.
        • Thanks, Sunrise. Thanks for moving our species forward into the future.
  • And of course, Atra blushes and smiles by squinting her eyes at Biscuit’s tired, useless, patronizing compliment.
    • Hey, Atra: where’s that guy you’re mooning over that doesn’t give two shits about you?
      • Even if he does, he doesn’t show it in any discernible way, so it’s the same thing.
        • Hey, Atra: since all these people are horrible idiots, how about next time you poison all the food and watch them die in painful convulsions? That would make your character both way more interesting and useful.
  • Continuing this show’s brave march into the Land of Misogynia, “Kudelia” naturally wants to help prepare the food, like a good Japanese woman, but like a good token “strong”, “female” “character”, is hilariously inept at it.
    • It also reinforces that she’s rich, even though everyone could tell by the fact that she has a personal factory for supplying her with hairspray, which she requires for sustenance.
      • Yes, “Kudelia” is so spoiled and pampered that she’s completely useless with a ladle, which requires only the most basic amount of hand-eye coordination.
        • She’s acting like it weighs 100 kilograms or something and is a bizarre object crafted by an alien civilization.
          • Someday, somewhere, Sunrise will stop treating its female characters like shit.
  • No, I’m not getting off this soapbox. All the female characters in this series are in this scene, and they are all delicate objects of desire and support for the men. This is sexism at its most sinister and subtle. It’s so bad that a stereotypically butch female pilot character with the personality of a lead bar and a boringly tragic past would be admirable progress for these writers.
    • So no, Sunrise, this scene is no way funny. It’s fucking insulting.
  • “Kudelia” is so useless and ignorant she DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE A KNIFE.
    • Excuse me while I go use a knife on some Sunrise writers.
      • Aww, the annoying brat with no distinguishing features gives “Kudelia” cute but absolutely useless advice on culinary preparation techniques.
        • “When cutting vegetables, make cat paws”.
          • DAWWW, KAWAII DESU.
            • Except not. What does that even mean? That doesn’t even make sense as an analogy for cutting vegetables. Have these writers never cut vegetables before either?
              • She’s pressing on that knife like she’s performing CPR. So either these are Martian cucumbers with skin as resilient as granite or that knife is duller than a worn slab of granite.
  • THESE WRITERS ACTUALLY THINK THIS PATRONIZING DISCRIMINATION IS FUNNY AND HEARTWARMING.
  • Enough talking with women, Biscuit. It’s time for MAN WORK.
    • WHICH ONLY MEN CAN DO.
      • And they’ll thoughtfully shield them from such harsh, masculine affairs. Women should be unblemished and pretty for the men when they get home.
  • Meanwhile, the men are down in the dumps and struggling with REAL emotional torments.
  • Lupin IV actually insults Biscuit by telling him to put his butt meat inside his soup.
    • That got odd really fast.
  • “Kudelia” has acquired the Skill [Basic Hand-Eye Coordination]! Her DEX increases by +5!
    • But she still scales worse than all the men.
  • These little brats call her お嬢様 and act like her serving them food is the best thing ever, even though it’s no different from any of the rest of the glop in the kitchen.
    • Remember, children: women support men like good mothers. It’s how it works.
      • *wink*
  • Augus is as personable and likable as ever.
    • He’d make a lead bar dance and sing with his stoic gaze and piercing eyes.
  • “Kudelia” is so incompetent at cutting things she made big vegetables. HMMM. LET’S SEE IF AUGUS TAKES THEM.
    • HE TOOK THEM.
      • THIS SERIES IS SO RADICAL AND INNOVATIVE.
        • AND “KUDELIA” IS EMBARRASSED TO THE POINT WHERE SHE DEFIES THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.
          • EVEN THOUGH CUTTING SLIGHTLY LARGER VEGETABLE PIECES WOULD IN NO WAY RUIN THE FOOD.
            • SHE’S SO IGNORANT AND SHELTERED SHE DOESN’T REALIZE THAT EITHER.
              • YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. IT’S CUTE.
                • THIS SERIES IS A STEAMING PILE OF FLY-INFESTED EXCREMENT.
  • Augus, of course, treats her warmly and likes her food. In three…two…one…
    • BULLSEYE.
      • HEED THY PROPHET, YE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL.
        • I SPEAK THE WORD OF THE LORD.
  • And “Kudelia” blushes in shocked surprise.
    • SUNRISE, I JUST PREDICTED EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IN EVERY SCENE OF THE PAST 5 MINUTES.
      • GET. BETTER. WRITERS.
        • ALSO, FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME: “KUDELIA’S” HAIR IS FUCKING RETARDED.
  • And now she’s rubbing her hands in delicate feminine angst.
  • ATRA SEES WHAT’S HAPPENING. SOW THE SEEDS OF TENSION AND JEALOUSY, MY PRETTIES. SOW THE SEEDS OF INTERPERSONAL (and uniquely inter-feminine) CONFLICT.
    • BECAUSE WOMEN EXIST TO FIGHT EACH OTHER OVER THE LOVE OF A MAN.
      • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • Now an insightful, gentle-voiced man will talk with Atra about Mikazuki. In three…two…one…
    • Atra sheepishly says she’s “imposing” on the manager.
      • Which is something only a dutiful Japanese person would say.
        • No one else would even give a shit about the manager in their store a hundred kilometers away.
          • SHE’S SO  JAPANESE IN HER DEFERENCE AND HUMILITY.
            • THE PERFECT WOMAN.
              • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    • Atra, of course, being a woman, has inexplicable insight into Augus’ mental state, even though he has exactly two facial expressions: bleh and MURDER.
      • Side note here: the black guy who’s over six feet tall has the surname of “Yukinojo”.
        • ENOUGH OF YOUR LIES, BEELZEBUB. GET THEE BEHIND ME.
  • Oh, are you wondering why I care so much about their names? Because you should, clueless anime fan.
    • See, there’s a very good reason why all the potential antagonists (half of whom look like devils for some odd reason) have weird-ass foreign names while the Martian children all have Japanese names. It’s a tried and true psychological trick to make the Japanese viewer more inclined to sympathize with them. Tamaki looks like he went to a private school on Long Island, New York, but give him an absurd name like “Tamaki” and the Japanese brain instantly categorizes him as being part of the “IN” camp as opposed to the “OTHER” camp.
      • Tl;dr, racist chauvinism.
  • Atra is about to ask “Yukinojo” a favor because she’s so cute and delicate that she doesn’t have the courage to ask Augus herself.
    • Even though Augus will probably go “Oh, huh” and forget about it two seconds later because he’s a braindead stoic protagonist with no personality or relatable feelings.
      • This is how anime writers developed characters five decades ago, in case you didn’t realize.
        • Cut away from the scene without finding out what said favor is.
          • BRILLIANT!
  • So the coup has begun. WAIT. IS SOMETHING HAPPENING?
    • Lupin IV wakes to realize his…thumbs…have been restrained?
      • His THUMBS?
        • WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GOING TO DO?
  • How wonderful, they did something slightly clever and spiked the food with sedatives. Something IS happening.
    • Hallelujah.
  • Hey, Or(l)ga: instead of keeping this group of people in a room with a lock, I have a better idea for you.
    • It’s called death.
      • As in make them die.
        • Kill them all.
          • Or at least drop them off somewhere in the hellish Martian landscape and have them fend for themselves or something.
            • Because this is going to come back to bite you in the ass.
  • Lupin IV, like the good little monster antagonist he is, demands something while in a position to make no demands whatsoever.
  • HOLY SHIT.
    • Augus just EXECUTED that guy.
      • Well, you certainly took my advice, Or(l)ga. Kudos.
        • But JESUS CHRIST, that was a LITTLE over-the-top.
          • Augus is also a complete psychopath. It’s confirmed.
  • The Caucasian Devil with the Bucktooth and Sunken Face is still here, somehow.
  • OMG IT’S BLOOD. IF MY BOOTS TOUCH IT I’LL GET COOTIES.
  • NOW AUGUS KILLED THE CAUCASIAN DEVIL.
    • DOING THE LORD’S WORK, AUGUS.
  • OMG IT’S A GUN. IF IT TOUCHES ME I’LL GET RABIES.
  • Of course the craven guy with glasses betrays his comrades.
    • Not that they were worthy of anyone’s loyalty to begin with.
      • But it’s telling you can tell everything about his character design by his squinted face and huge-ass spectacles.
        • NERDS HAVE NO SPINE, BITCHES. That’s what Sunrise believes, anyway.
  • His name is “Dexter Culastor”, and he’s in charge of accounting.
    • Pardon me for just a moment.
      • [loud noise]
        • Sorry, I had to go crack my skull on the wall in my study.
          • I feel so much better now.
            • Yes, that’s good brain damage. Very good. Mmmm. Tangy.
  • Dexter goes “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH??” like a good wussy nerd.
    • And he’s wearing a tie, for some reason.
      • Because all nerd types wear ties.
        • Fuck you, Sunrise.
  • SPEAKING OF WHICH.
  • Eugene barges into Or(l)ga’s office muttering something about severance pay and shit. Dude is drunk off his ass.
    • Dexter is now released and working for them, because these sluts still need accountants to run shit. Bwa ha ha ha ha.
  • Or(l)ga is noble, so he gives these assholes severance pay for leaving.
    • I don’t care.
      • No, I don’t. There are arguments for this and against it, both legitimate.
        • It doesn’t make me like Or(l)ga any more or less.
  • Eugene, for some reason, wants to throw these guys out onto the street with no money instead of changing how they treat them.
    • Which is the whole point of taking over due to mistreatment.
      • Deeeerp.
  • Eugene is also objecting to them doing honest, upright jobs that will give them a good reputation.
    • Because reasons.
  • Also, that creepy, crunch-faced Italian guy (I’ll call him Il Duce) with the HITLER MUSTACHE is still around.
    • Apparently nobody in this future has heard of Adolf Hitler.
      • Which would explain why they are so eager to use a Hitler Machine.
        • Huh. I just made this series make a little more sense somehow.
          • Goddamn it.
  • Il Duce even talks with a stupidly retarded accent, just to emphasize he’s a smelly foreigner.
  • Yukinojo is staying and is an old man. Good to know, twats.
    • He looks like he’s 35.
      • “Old”.
  • “Kudelia” waits impatiently for her daily hairspray shipment.
    • The fools know not what forces they toy with.
      • She then absentmindedly and pointlessly picks up a random nut, heedless to any heavy machine traffic going on around her.
  • SPEAKING OF WHICH.
    • Or(l)ga is looking for Mikazuki, because we’re supposed to care.
      • Now he recognizes “Kudelia’s” tragic existence.
  • “Kudelia” gives Mikazuki a compliment in his absence.
    • Or(l)ga will now sternly correct her on how mistaken she is (LIKE A WOMAN) and how Mikazuki is somehow nothing special and just an orphan from the streets or something like that. In three…two…one…
      • BULLSEYE.
  • Japan, you said it again. Tsk tsk.
    • “Alaya-Vijnana System.”
      • 100. Trillion. Yen.
        • Now.
          • You wouldn’t want to make India angry, would you? They outnumber you ten to one.
  • SOMEHOW A SYSTEM BUILT 200 YEARS AGO IS BETTER THAN ONE BUILT TODAY.
    • IT MAKES SENSE.
  • Or(l)ga rightfully asks “Kudelia” if she has any plans or inkling of what she’s going to do next.
    • “Kudelia” calls her father “父” as opposed to “お父様”. She is learning, finally.
      • SHE DOESN’T KNOW. SHE THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING SHE COULD DO.
        • SPOKEN LIKE A JAPANESE FIFTH-GRADER.
  • Now she’s wavering due to the idea that the innocent might suffer or be sacrificed in order to accomplish things.
    • Gee, “Kudelia”. Welcome to history.
      • Here’s a complimentary fruit basket for figuring that one out, you highly-educated rich girl who seems to know jackshit about anything for no logical reason.
        • “Kudelia”, in reality, would be lecturing these morons on geopolitics or how to work the Alaya-Vijnana System or something, but she’s a woman in an anime, so she gets to do exactly nothing.
          • What is with this nut? Is it supposed to be a metaphor or something? It doesn’t mean anything.
  • “Do you think you’re responsible for our comrades’ deaths?” – Or(l)ga
    • Um, hey. Didn’t we already go through discussion this last week?
      • Snore.
  • SHOCKED LOOK OF COMPREHENSION.
    • I’m going to need some more paper for this tropes list I’m assembling.
  • SHIVERING EYES OF POIGNANCY.
    • Fuck it, I’ll just order an entire ream.
  • “I’m just angry at myself.” -“Kudelia”
    • Which is the reaction no actual human being would have in this situation.
      • “Kudelia”, honey, you were caught up in a treacherous situation you knew nothing about and had no control over. Your own father sold you out or something for some reason, right? So why are you angry at yourself? You should be angry at your FATHER for SELLING YOU OUT.
        • And possibly your mother for NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS.
          • BUT NO. “KUDELIA” IS THE ONE AT FAULT, NOT THE ASSHOLES AROUND HER. IT MUST BE SOME FAILURE OF HER CHARACTER. DEFINITELY NOT HER FAMILY. BECAUSE JAPANESE HERD MENTALITY.
            • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    • “Over how powerless I really am.” -“Kudelia”
      • Yeah, that’s what you should be angry about. Definitely not your own family handing you over to vicious murderers and rapists.
        • Fuck you, Sunrise.
  • DEXTER WITH GLASSES KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT MONEY. HOW CONVENIENT.
    • So they have 3 months of solvency left. They could have said that in five seconds. Not two minutes.
  • I’m trying to understand how severance pay and normal maintenance costs are eating into their bottom line so much.
    • The severance pay can’t be that much, considering maybe five guys are leaving. The maintenance costs can’t be that much either, considering they just lost 110 people and only a few machines, which aren’t in great condition anyway. Their costs should actually be way down.
  • Or(l)ga, having found out they have 3 months of solvency, declares they must find work immediately or go bankrupt or something.
    • 3 months = nothing, apparently.
  • “But with our current situation, people will take advantage of us”. – Biscuit
    • You mean how you have a priceless superweapon and just fought off an assault from an elite interplanetary security force?
      • Yeah, what a desperate situation that people will take advantage of.
        • Go shove food in your mouth, Biscuit. It’s where you belong.
  • Il Duce has to be the one to point all of this out, because these people are morons.
    • BUT IL DUCE SUGGESTS SELLING OUT “KUDELIA” FOR MONEY, BECAUSE HIS SUNKEN CAUCASIAN CHEEKS OF DEVILRY DEMAND IT.
      • They are really milking this “despicable foreigner” stereotype.
        • Il Duce even has a noticeable beer belly, because les raisons.
  • EUGENE HAS NO MORAL OBJECTIONS WHATSOEVER TO THIS SUGGESTION.
    • HOORAY, THE ONLY GUY WITH THE NOT-JAPANESE NAME IS AN ASSHOLE.
      • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • Oh boy, someone from Gjallarhorn has come back.
    • I wonder who it is.
  • CRANK CHALLENGES AUGUS TO A DUEL.
    • THIS HAS JUST BECOME AN EPISODE OF YUGIOH.
      • GET OUT YOUR DECK, AUGUS.
        • YOU’D BETTER PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT.
          • (Honestly, a tedious children’s card game would be more interesting than this.)
            • Unless this involves more of Augus executing people like a veteran of Stalingrad.
              • Then it’d be fine.
  • I AM CRANK ZENT (LOL) OF GJALLARHORN’S FRONT LINE TROOPS, AND I AM SPEAKING TO YOU OVER LOUDSPEAKER VIA MAGIC.
    • (Seriously, where is the microphone? He has no microphone.)
  • Okay, Crank, have you actually thought this through? What is this duel supposed to accomplish?
    • No, seriously.
      • Yukinojo somehow knows the history of things as they were 200 years ago.
        • No, I don’t believe that people settled things in duels before the Calamity War.
          • That’s fucking bullshit. Shut up.
  • Hmmm, I have an idea: shoot this fucker while he’s outside his Mobile Suit.
    • Or decline.
      • Hey, is anyone wondering why this Gjallorhorn asshole is out here by himself without any support? Anyone?
        • How about you just capture him or shoot him or ignore him?
  • “KUDELIA” OFFERS HERSELF UP AS A SACRIFICE.
    • TO YOGG-SARON HIMSELF.
      • IN HER DRESS OF BLOOD AND SACKCLOTH.
        • Jesus Christ, when did you have time to change into that outfit?
          • (Which is still pants-on-head retarded, not to mention it looks like you are ACTUALLY WEARING PANTS ON YOUR SHOULDERS)
  • Golly. I wonder what’s going to happen next.
    • Maybe Augus the Stoic will object and offer to fight Crank for her honor and glory or something.
      • Yaawn. Someone wake me up when Sunrise does something mildly original.
  • “Meaningless battles should be avoided, correct?” -“Kudelia”
    • Uh, except this wouldn’t be a meaningless battle by any stretch of the imagination, you dimwit.
      • Il Duce, like all those of Caucasian, not-Japanese, dishonorable heritage, suggests very cravenly that they let her go and cravenly negotiate for some money in the process.
        • No Japanese person has ever sold another out for money, btw.
          • Ever.
  • “Kudelia” continues to try to solve a problem she clearly does not understand, all out of a misguided desire to assert herself.
    • Fuck you, bitch. I hope you die.
  • “And I do not plan on just dying.” -“Kudelia”
    • Oh yeah, like you’ll have any say in it.
      • What are you going to do? Smack them with your hair?
        • Pbbth. Like they’re going to listen to you after getting YOUR OWN FATHER TO SELL YOU OUT. IT IS PLAIN THEY ARE IN NO WAY INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY, PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU.
  • Or(l)ga’s face says it all:
    • “Holy shit, what am I doing with my life?”
  • Or(l)ga, rationally, doesn’t trust this random prick who just tried to kill them all yesterday.
  • Augus is perfectly fine with piloting the 200-year-old Hitler Youth Club after it ruptured his jugular vein less than 24 hours ago.
    • Wipe them out, Augus. All of them.
  • WHAT METHOD ARE THESE PEOPLE COMMUNICATING WITH?
    • WHAT DEVICES? HOW? WHY DOES THIS THING EVEN HAVE A LOUDSPEAKER?
      • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • This episode is titled “Glorious Demise”. I think we can guess what happens.
    • Or do I have to pull out the Book of Isaiah again?
  • Augus’ physique is perfect somehow.
  • “Alaya-Vijnana System”. Pay up, Sunrise.
    • 100. Trillion. Smackaroos.
  • LOL, “Kudelia” actually throws out the idea of her piloting the Hitler Disco Ball so she could help people.
    • Yeah, that’s the only way you could help people. Not by putting your educated mind to use or something.
      • I hate this stupid, inane, self-deprecating stereotype of a woman so much, let alone the middle-aged men who wrote her.
  • “We were just lucky”. -Or(l)ga
    • Yep, that sums up the whole series. No logic or sense. Just pure coincidence and bad writing.
  • Meanwhile, let’s all stand out here on the battlefield exposed to whatever debris or flotsam that might result from the duel between two towering Machines of Death.
    • STOCK GUNDAM COMBAT SOUND EFFECT FROM FOUR DECADES AGO.
  • Leave it to Augus the Stoic to only ask how the winner of the duel will be decided after starting the duel.
  • “What Coral…No.” -These Incompetent Subbers
    • Here’s a translation for us poor English types: “Coral…no, we just wanted Kudelia’s life at first…”
      • That’s way clearer.
        • Also, listen up, “Kudelia”: these people just want to kill you. Bet you feel smart now.
  • “Children should not be victimized for adult strifes.” -These Incompetent Subbers again
    • Real English: “Children shouldn’t be dragged into the conflicts of adults.”
      • I thought subbers had learned how to translate Japanese after almost three decades of experience.
  • Crank waxes mournful about children suffering unnecessarily while fighting a child unnecessarily.
    • I don’t think you’re really sincere about that, Crank.
  • Augus wants to kill this guy simply because Or(l)ga told him to.
    • ……….
      • Right.
        • Okay. That’s not creepy or twisted.
  • “Mika knows that he has to be strong in order to live.” – Or(l)ga
    • Incoherent philosophical Japanese babble, AWAY!
      • And now they’re going to wax philosophical about risks and strength and blah blah blah blah blah.
        • Tl;dr: gambaru-ing solves all your problems, no matter what they are.
          • So get back to work, salaryman. Your boss needs those projections by 3:00a tomorrow. Stay late if you have to. Sacrifice your happiness for the company. Gambatte.
  • “He’s [Augus] boorish yet honorable.” -Or(l)ga
    • I’d say he’s just boorish, considering his demonstrated penchant for cold-blooded executions.
      • “He’s full of contradictions. But that’s why he’s strong.” -Or(l)ga
        • Some Sunrise writer: “My characters are so three-dimensional and well-rounded! Tee hee hee!”
          • Neither God nor Satan will take the souls of these writers when they die, alone and unmourned.
  • NO. MIKAZUKI IS NOT AMAZING. HE’S THE DULLEST ANIME PROTAGONIST SINCE KIRITO FROM SWORD ART ONLINE.
  • “Will I be able to fight like him?” -“Kudelia”
    • As if that’s a desirable goal for any sane human being.
      • “Kudelia” processes, struggles with, and ultimately abandons the insane idea of having the surgery to pilot the Hitler Hungry Hungry Hippos, all within five minutes of it popping into her head.
        • Because now she knows she can fight in another way. Or something.
          • Yay, “Kudelia”. That character arc lasted less than fifteen minutes. Congratulations.
            • Now get back in the kitchen and cook food for the men. You can use your hair as kindling.
  • Notice how none of these retards are the least bit concerned about this pitched battle between two towering Machines of Death happening twenty feet away from them.
    • It’s almost as if they read the script in advance.
      • One also wonders how “Kudelia’s” dress is still immaculate after being exposed to the wrath of the rusty soil of Mars.
  • “I’ve never been victimized for anything. I’m just doing what I can for me and my comrades.” -Mikazuki Augus
    • LOL.
      • Sure, kid.
        • Sure.
          • You know, apart from growing up as an orphan, having a life-threatening surgery forced upon you, being forced to work for assholes, etc.
            • Your entire life is the definition of victimhood, you fucktard.
              • Tl;dr, gambaru-ing solves all your problems. So get back in the kitchen, Japanese housewife. Make that dinner and don’t worry about your own fulfillment.
  • This is the worst Gundam Duel I’ve ever seen.
    • It’s beyond boring. I can’t even dedicate a single neuron to caring about it.
      • At least Gundam Wing had generals in Napoleonic uniforms flying around in blimps and shouting “INTELLIGENT BATTLE!!!!” and other such bombast to keep me interested.
        • This is less fun and exciting than watching Mike Huckabee talk about wholesome Christian methods for paint drying.
  • A weapon the size of a house just crashed into the earth literally two feet away from Or(l)ga.
    • The only thing anyone suffers from that is a mild pattering of Martian dust.
      • Sure, kids.
        • Sure.
  • OH MY GOD. IT’S FINALLY OVER. FREE AT LAST.
  • “Tekkadan.” -These Incompetent Subbers thrice
    • “To call ourselves a rotten name like CGS just irritates me.” -Or(l)ga
      • That’s funny, because I still don’t even know what the fuck “CGS” even means.
        • So why should I give a shit?
  • TETSU NO HANA.
    • See, it’s a Kanji joke. 鉄 (tetsu) is obvious, but you can’t tell by sound what “ka” means. “Kudelia” thinks “tekka” = 鉄火, but Or(l)ga means 鉄花.
      • The Japanese love their puns AND inside jokes. As if this show couldn’t get any worse: now it’s trying to be pretentious.
        • Good luck, dubbers. Good luck trying to make that shit work in English.
  • “The iron flower that never wilts.” – Or(l)ga
    • Um, Or(l)ga. It’s not alive to begin with, so of course it can’t wilt.
      • That’s a fucking stupid name.
  • WHY ARE THESE MACHINES BLEEDING? THEY ARE ACTUALLY BLEEDING RED BLOOD.
    • WHAT THE FUCK.
      • ARE THEY ALIVE?
  • Leave it to Augus, ever the morally upright, to ask what happens if he wins the duel only after he wins it.
  • So, basically, Crank achieved nothing and Augus achieved nothing. NOBODY ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING.
    • YAAAAAAAAAAAY. FILLER.
  • “If I go back with negative results, my actions will reflect poorly on all the troops.” -Crank Zent
    • -And These Incompetent Subbers x4
      • Actual English: “If I go back empty-handed, I’ll have disgraced my comrades yet again.”
        • Reality: “Shit. I’ve already disgraced my comrades by disobeying orders and throwing my life away for no reason. Fuck me.”
  • “But if I can end my life here, I will carry all the responsibility with me…” -Crank Zent
    • ….
      • Go fuck yourself, Crank. Go fuck yourself and your suicidal Japanese obsession with honor or something.
        • Just fucking die, you worthless piece of shit.
  • AUGUS IS A MONSTER.
    • Not only does he execute a man in cold blood the third time this morning, he then erotically SMELLS THE BRACELET ATRA GAVE HIM RIGHT AFTER DOING SO.
      • AS IF HE JUST HAD SEX AND IS NOW BASKING IN THE AFTERGLOW.
        • JESUS. H. CHRIST.
          • WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW?
  • Il Duce, smiling cravenly, cravenly whines about not being able to cravenly get any money out of the situation.
    • Eugene, being also not-Japanese, agrees for no reason.
  • “Kudelia” asks them to keep escorting her, even though they have no reason to do so.
    • She even promises them money.
      • Except she has absolutely no control over any of her family’s assets.
        • The family that just tried to SELL HER OUT TO BLATANT MURDERERS AND RAPISTS.
  • Conveniently, “Kudelia” has gone from being the innocent, naive daughter of the leader of Mars to the leader of the Mars Independence Movement to a dissident with connections to rich people, all as the writers need her to be.
    • “Kudelia”‘s character is so misogynist she’s meta-submissive.
  • “Nobliss Gordon.” Pbbbbth ha ha ha ha ha.
    • These names. These fucking names.
      • Il Duce, cravenly obsessed with money as he is like all craven Europeans, cravenly knows about this supposedly super rich guy.
  • Augus doesn’t give a shit.
    • DO THESE PEOPLE NOT REALIZE THEY ARE ADORING AND HARBORING A MURDEROUS PSYCHOPATH WHO APPARENTLY GETS OFF ON KILLING PEOPLE?
  • “We Tekkadan will make sure we deliver you to Earth safely.” -These Incompetent Subbers V
    • Having already explained that “Tekkadan” means “Iron Flower,” they use it again for no reason.
      • Actual English: “The Iron Flower will ensure you are delivered to Earth safe and sound.”
        • It’s even fits the deferential, honorific language Or(l)ga is using much better.
  • “よろしくお願いします。” -“Kudelia”
    • Look, a set Japanese phrase. IT’S CUTE.
      • Maybe something will happen now that we’ve gotten these shitty introductory episodes out of the way.
  • AND NOW THEY’RE GOING TO EXPLAIN “TEKKADAN” AGAIN.
    • GOD.
      • EXCEPT THEY MAGICALLY KNOW WHAT IT MEANS VIA MASS TELEPATHY.
  • Eugene has shifted to being a total asshole because puppies.
  • That’s a goddamn cross explosion. I knew it.
    • Maybe this will end the same way The End of Evangelion does: with everyone dying.
      • Whoops, spoilers.
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July 25, 2015

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Code Geass, Retrocaustic

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Retrocaustic: Code Geass – Episode 6

Code Geass is stupid. But how stupid? Let’s find out together.

SILLY.ZOMBIE-GIRLS

The viewer demographic for Code Geass, in all its glory.

Episode VI – Porn is the Mindkiller

  • Is this Japan? Is this the Land of the Rising Sun? Looks way too Greek to me, not that the writers would know.
  • Damn, that poor attendant had to walk, like, six zillion miles just to tell the Emperor one line of dialog.
    • “I survived another workout that could’ve been an email.”
      • Someone make a t-shirt of it.
  • “I was just talking to Clovis right now.” -The Emperor
    • “Holy shit, my boss might be crazy.” -This random-ass attendant.
      • Also, how can he see in that thing? It’s the least functional uniform ever.
  • POINTLESS FORESHADOWING IS POINTLESS.
  • “The Stolen Mask.”
    • Shit, this is the filler episode, isn’t it?
      • Must. Find. Morphine.
  • The insignificant students of the Palace of the Ashfords spend their three seconds of screentime asking insignificant yet highly salient questions.
    • What an apt metaphor for human existence.
  • “Even so, he seems kinda suspicious, doesn’t he?” -This random-ass student
    • Why? There are least half a dozen guys with the same basic features as MSGT, plus he’s wearing a carbon copy of your outfit. How does he seem suspicious? Is his laptop a Mooglebook?
  • They think MSGT might be a terrorist. They’re awfully calm for considering such a brazen thing.
  • “Even the school can confirm that [Suzaku isn’t a terrorist].” -This other random-ass student
    • Gee, man, I dunno. I think only about three people on this planet have brains. None of them are in this room.
      • Remember: this is the Empire that put Jeremiah Gottwald in military command of an entire colony of 120 million people. Your faith may be misplaced.
  • God, this entire scene is a bunch of lazy one-liners that repeat the same goddamn information over and over.
    • BIGOTED RICH STUDENTS ARE AFRAID OF SOMEONE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FROM THEM. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
      • Nina Einstein continues her meteoric rise into the ranks of “Worst Human Beings Who Have Ever Lived.”
  • Shirley suggests the radical idea that they treat MSGT like a human being.
    • Bitch is gonna die.
  • Lelouch learned his spy tradecraft from Sesame Street.
    • Gee, I hope no one was watching Lelouch as he left, especially the three other students that were two feet away from him in the frame.
      • I also hope no one was watching MSGT’s reaction to him.
  • And nobody follows the extremely suspicious couple up to the roof.
  • GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
    • I refuse to believe they had such a specific sign for a specific thing when they were bratty children.
  • Why did he just say “capsule”? Does the Japanese language not have a word for “capsule,” “container,” or anything of the sort?
    • Hmm, I guess not. English’s domination of all things in this world is getting kinda crazy.
  • Oh yeah, the girl. Whom Lelouch completely forgot about. Because the writers completely forgot about her. Lelouch did not move her or tend to her whatsoever. He just took off in Villetta’s retarded war-machine and left ALL the women behind. Where they belong.
    • Including you, MSGT, but please, continue telling us how you’re repaying Lelouche for his wonderful kindness.
      • Lelouch lies through his teeth. Again.
  • This highly suspicious scenario with a billion elements left totally unexplained will now be ignored. Again.
  • Wait, when did Lelouch get the chance to fake his own death? How did that happen? When?
    • Yeah, *nobody* in the entire Holy Britannia(n) Empire would wonder why a student using his mother’s name and who’s around the age of the supposedly deceased Lelouch vi Britannia shows up randomly under the protection of the Ashford family, a long-time ally of Lelouch’s mother. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur.
      • See what I mean, random-ass student? Your question was pointless. As were you.
        • By the way, do you know what a bee is? I’m conducting a poll.
  • Lelouch questions why MSGT has made a number of incredibly poor decisions. Lelouch, a “brilliant” tactician and strategist, does not learn from his mistakes.
  • Lol. So for no reason whatsoever, the writers retcon the events of the very last episode and heavily imply that Euphemia intervened on MSGT’s behalf. Except that MSGT’s court-martial had already been cancelled, all charges dismissed, and MSGT released before he even met Euphemia. It was precisely that chain of events that led to his meeting Euphemia.
    • I don’t. Even. What.
      • These writers can’t even keep track of what happened two hours ago. Are they all alcoholics?
  • Oh look, there’s a picture of Lelouch right there in the fucking Royal Palace. But no one has seen him before or recognizes him.
    • I wonder if Euphemia knows what a bee is.
  • Great job, Lelouch. You murdered a prolific and talented artist in cold blood because revenge and reasons and stuff.
    • And not because he was a wanna-be mass murderer. You didn’t give two shits about that.
      • Ra ra, Lelouch.
  • Euphemia touches the extremely priceless painting, the last mementos of her dead brother, because that’s exactly what you want to do to such fragile material: smudge your oily human fingers all over it.
    • Sigh. No one cares about art anymore.
  • For the purposes of propaganda, Euphemia will never be told that her “gentle” brother tried to massacre forty million people shortly before he died.
    • Euphemia is a terrible judge of character. Just like every other female character on this show. Because women, and women have no brains. Science says so.
  • Switch to random military situation room, providing us a blindingly useless layout of a battlefield that conveys no tactically relevant information whatsoever.
    • This show dragged Sloth from the depths of Hades and made love to its sweet face in an orgy that will never be surpassed again.
  • The Britannimerican commander pauses to give a speech about information that everyone in the room already knows.
    • Behold the caliber of the Imperial War Machine, conqueror of nations.
  • These guerrillas suck. Whoever they are.
    • Like, they install their gun turrets on flat, exposed concrete slabs on a hillside instead of just burying them into the hillside where the earth would protect them.
      • Let me guess: the animators didn’t want to bother drawing anything more complicated.
  • Um, how did anybody not know the guerrillas were there? That is the most conspicuous hideout I’ve ever seen.
    • It looks like a goddamn anthill.
    • SILLY.BEEHIVE
      • “I say, Earnest, I wonder why that hill has all those guns on it.”
      • “I couldn’t hazard a guess, Elliot. Would you like some cheese with your wine?”
  • These idiots keep acting like Knightmares were invented today at 1300 hours.
    • I will remind you there have been six previous generations of them.
  • Does Cornelia seriously have nothing better to do than run around mopping up hideouts that a two-year-old could spot? Is the Britannimerican military that helpless without its named characters?
    • Yes.
  • That was a complete waste of time, fuel, resources, and ammunition. The tanks would’ve just blown up the fortifications anyway.
    • What a spectacular advancement of human technology. War will never be the same.
  • Somehow, in this universe, melee beats ranged.
    • Hey, Riot. I think your balance team might be interested in this.
  • Those bullets did not miss Cornelia. The animators just didn’t want to animate explosions. One-sided battles are soooooooooooooooo exciting.
    • Are you excited yet? If not, go kill yourself.
  • Cornelia charges alone into a guerrilla labyrinth and dismisses any offer of backup when she has no idea how many enemies are inside, what equipment they have, or what kind of traps or defenses they might have prepared ahead of time.
    • This massive mountain apparently holds a small room filled with…railroads?
      • Huh?
  • Cornelia then looks around for literally two seconds and concludes “Zero must not be here.” Indubitably, Mrs. Holmes.
    • I honestly cannot be surprised anymore by how lazy these writers can get.
  • Cornelia casually says that killing them one-by-one wouldn’t accomplish anything, then proceeds to kill them all one-by-one.
    • Filler level: Code Geass.
  • Lelouch was just sitting here in this empty dining room waiting for Nunnally to show up with Sayoko. It’s almost like he read a script or something.
  • Nunnally can identify who MSGT is by feeling the texture of his hand, but can’t suspect some random woman who steals into her house in the middle of the knight and eats her food.
  • “You’ll stay the night here, won’t you, Suzaku?” -Nunnally vi Britannia
    • “Yes, in Lelouch’s room.”
    • “Oh. That must be nice.”
    • “Uh, yeah. Very.” *wink*
      • I’m bored. Sue me.
  • Sayoko is one hell of a maid. She prepared that spread in three seconds. Ninjas OP.
  • Nunnally vi Britannia is the 340982790847098573098547087th person to ask MSGT why the fuck he’s still in the Britannimerican military.
    • MSGT must know what a bee is.
  • MSGT lies through his teeth. Again.
    • Lelouch is not fooled, considering he knows the status of MSGT’s addled nervous system.
      • Man, Nunnally, you haven’t even had your first period and your whole life is one pernicious lie. Someone’s future therapist is a rich man.
  • “You’ve really mellowed since then.” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Somehow it hard to picture MSGT as some precocious asshole. I think he was probably just a slightly less stupid kid than he is now.
    • “And you’ve gotten a lot rougher.” – MSGT
      • *wink*
  • Gee, I do hope the superhumanly endowed MSGT can’t hear this incredibly sensitive conversation between Lelouch and C.C. going on in the room next to him, the room that isn’t even separated by a door.
  • BA HA HA HA. Lelouch asserts he has friends.
    • Silly anime protagonist. Nobody likes you.
  • Jesus H. Christ, Jeremiah Gottwald has become an extra on a Saw film.
    • Doesn’t the Holy Britannia(n) Empire have less ridiculous restraining devices than white straight jackets bought from Serial Killers Limited?
      • Also, why is Jeremiah Gottwald so cleanly shaven? Do they shave it for him? I don’t think he can shave properly while his abdomen is being crushed by three leather belts.
        • Real answer: the animators went home at one o’clock in the afternoon.
  • Turns out, nobody likes Jeremiah Gottwald. How unexpected.
  • Yes, Jeremiah Gottwald did allow the terrorists to escape in a series of behavior and events that could best be described as a “psychotic episode.” So either Jeremiah Gottwald should be talking to a therapist or they should be investigating why several of their high-level personnel have all had such bizarre episodes in a very short amount of time for no reason.
    • But that would require brains, which go for $20 billion each on the Britannimerican black market.
  • I’m sorry, Jeremiah Gottwald was not demoted three ranks, unless “margrave” is an actual rank in the Holy Britannia(n) Empire. If it is, they’re dumb and should feel very bad about themselves.
  • Wait, so, Jeremiah Gottwald has to either go back to being a pilot or…”cultivate an orange farm?” Is that a veiled threat of forced early retirement? Really? Why are you even allowing such an inimitable moron to remain in your ranks at all?
  • Yes, MSGT, you would be in bad shape if anyone searched Moogle and put two and two together and suspected the very obvious connection between you and Lelouch, but you should also have figured out by now that no one possesses the faculties to do that. So who the fuck cares.
  • I think maybe two people at the school know of Nunnally know of her very existence.
    • Which is the perfect environment for a traumatized adolescent girl to be in.
      • Wait, is Nunnally faking all this? Is she a violent sociopath just like everyone else? I sure fucking hope so, for her sake.
  • LELOUCH RAGES. It’s cute.
  • WHY ARE THEY STILL WEARING THEIR SCHOOL UNIFORMS AT MIDNIGHT? DON’T THESE PEOPLE CHANGE? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH–
  • Gee, C.C, I hope nobody notices your brightly lit figure with your florescent green hair from that window. Certainly not any Britannimerican security personnel from the Capitol Building that’s down the fucking street.
  • Just to be clear, we have another scene in which every Britannimerican student reaffirms their undying racism.
  • Um, how did the Japanese guerrillas infiltrate the Palace of the Ashfords? Why? Did Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere help them out?
  • Oh look, there’s a huge Japanese flag on the wall there. I wonder who these people could be. Really.
  • That asshole guerrilla group named themselves “Blood of the Samurai.” They should’ve named themselves “Lords of the Anthill.” Or something.
    • If they were your largest resistance group in central Japan, then your resistance isn’t long for this world, Ohgi.
  • This episode is SO BOOOOOOOORING.
    • They even keep playing the same goddamn music over and over and over again. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
  • Gee, Lelouch, I do hope the Holy Britannia(n) Empire isn’t monitoring your personal cellphone or the Internet.
  • Um. So….wait, those weren’t Japanese fighters–even though they looked exactly like some of them. They were just asshole students who defaced MSGT’s shirt. Oh.
    • Yeah, none of the Japanese viewers were able to read that. But good try, animators. Good try.
  • Nina and Nunnally have a scene together. Made extremely awkward by what a nightmarish psychological case study Nina is.
    • But she’s also the single most interesting character in this whole series precisely because the writers allow her to be a bad person, instead of glossing over her flaws like they do with everyone else.
      • MSGT and Lelouch could have have sex in Nunnally’s bedroom after slaughtering a small village, but the writers would still find some way to spin it in their favor.
  • Mama loves Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut. Mama loves Pizza Hut and dat check.
  • Geez, I hope nobody notices the very conspicuous C.C. answer the fucking front door.
  • Lelouch shows off his brilliance by storing all the incriminating evidence about his alternate ego in his bedroom.
    • But he painstakingly points this out to the viewer, who is apparently too dumb to draw this conclusion on his own.
  • Did that scene seriously just happen?
    • So, the cat teleported all the way over to the mask, opened it in 0.5 seconds, fished out the mask, then left the room with it in 0.3 seconds, all without making any sound or C.C., a magical immortal witch who’s been alive for hundreds of years, noticing any of this?
      • Lazy fucks.
        • And that is one badass cat.
  • Either Lelouch never changes his clothes or he has ten copies of that one uniform. Either way, this is retarded.
  • Lelouch has a heart attack because something is finally happening in this shitfest of an episode.
    • Lelouch is also baffled by how leaving such horrifically incriminating evidence lying around unsecured is leading to disaster.
  • C.C., act a little more concerned about your entire plan and identity being exposed.
    • Or you can just keep being an unlikable robot. Because you’re a woman, and women do not have personalities. Science says so.
  • They’re going to keep this music on loop, aren’t they? I’m gonna go blow my brains out. Be right back.
  • Wait, how did Nunnally know it was a cat that took something? The cat did not meow there. She couldn’t see the cat. So…
    • I don’t even. Fuck this shit.
  • “What could be so important to Lelouch?” -Rivalz
    • “A love letter?” -Nina Einstein
      • (Porn.)
    • “An embarrassing photo?” -Milly Ashford
      • (Definitely porn.)
        • Also, don’t be a dumbass, Milly. Photos aren’t physical media. Who does that.
    • “A poetry notebook!” -Rivalz
      • OHMIGOD YOU RETARDS IT’S PORN BE TEENAGERS FOR ONCE.
  • Milly Ashford actually enlists the resources of the entire school, which is busily educating the next generation of world leaders, into hunting down what is likely a porn stash. All for her personal amusement.
    • Is this satire now? Is this a subtle commentary on conspicuous consumption or something?
  • Lelouch actually considers enlisting the resources of a Japanese terrorist group to fix a mess that someone of his supposed intellectual caliber would’ve never allowed to happen in the first place.
  • Wait, how did the cat get up to the roof in five seconds? No cat moves that fast, certainly not one blind and confused as fuck. Not to mention it has an injured paw.
    • Maybe the cat knows what a bee is.
  • The cat lands on the injured paw from two stories up. Now, I know cats can fall from relatively high places without injury, but not when it’s limping.
  • LOL, that one Britannimerican asshole is just staring at the wall.
    • SILLY.ASSHOLE-WALL
      • He’s staring at the grey wall for no reason. There’s not even a picture there for him to stare at it. He’s just stoned out of his gourd.
        • The purpose of his entire existence is to stand in that pose so that he doesn’t see the cat. He’s less important than an ant.
          • GOD DOESN’T LOVE YOU.
  • CONTINUITY ALERT! CONTINUITY ALERT!
    • So in the above scene, the cat proceeds to walk down to the left while a conversation is being heard. Then somehow the scene shifts to an ENTIRELY NEW HALLWAY that looks NOTHING LIKE the one you see above as the conversation finishes. The entrance and those students frozen in time all vanish and we see two other assholes. This all happens in the space of four seconds.
      • Photographic evidence of alien teleportation:
        • SILLY.TELEPORTATION
      • And it suddenly has golden wall fringes between the windows.
        • These animators suck balls.
  • HMMM. ZERO’S MASK APPEARS AT SCHOOL. NEURONLESS STUDENTS DO NOT SUSPECT ZERO MIGHT BE AT THEIR SCHOOL.
  • Lelouch haphazardly uses his magical mind-screwing power on those two girls while shouting. I do hope the three other students standing two feet away didn’t hear or see any of that.
    • Nah, they’re staring into space and tripping on some fancy schmancy weed.
  • “Capture the cat which is running loose on campus!” -Milly Ashford
    • This campus is the size of a small city and filled with greenspace. There could be a dozen or two cats running around it. Be more specific, woman.
  • Yes, this seems like a totally reasonable way of not only suspending scholastic activities, but also DOLING OUT BUDGETARY FAVORS.
    • YAAAAAAAAAAY INSTITUTIONAL CORRUPTION.
      • Britannimericans sure learn early.
  • Oh. So the grand prize is a kiss from a member of the student council. Okay.
    • Who cares?
      • Are you implying the school gives a shit about the nerds on the council?
        • Let’s consider the students’ options here. We have:
          • Milly Ashford, because men are perverts.
          • Shirley, because men are perverts.
          • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere, because men are perverts.
          • Lelouch Lamperouge, because women totally like emasculated closeted gay men.
          • Nina Einstein, because lesbians.
          • Rivalz. ………no.
      • Upon review, we have concluded that this is actually a very devious, inclusive, and effective motivational scheme. We salute you, Milly Ashford.
  • Literally two dozen men apparate into the bushes surrounding Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere, implying literally two dozen men are stalking her at all times on campus.
    • This seems like an absurdly low number.
  • LOL. LESBIANS. I KNEW THEY EXIST.
  • Random Britannimerican football team. Because the very unique sport of American football developed in this universe. Not soccer. Yeah.
    • Fuck you.
  • This is actually the most entertaining the show has been so far. They’re certainly making up for the useless first half.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere reaffirms her undying racism.
  • Now Nunnally suddenly has super-accurate hearing for the convenience of the plot, even though she couldn’t sense her brother dragging a mysterious woman into his room.
    • Fuck you.
  • Cecile has no situational awareness whatsoever.
  • Lloyd gripes about how a school does not want a giant weapon of war parked anywhere near it.
  • Why is Rivalz even allowed to drive his motorcycle on campus?
  • Oh. So the two female leads somehow corner the cat after changing in a frantic hurry and nobody else finds it. Right. Sure.
    • The plot always gets what it wants.
  • Shirley is distracted by lesbian fantasies. Christ, woman, focus for five seconds.
  • THE CAT LITERALLY DOES NOT MAKE ANY SOUNDS WITH ITS FOOTPRINTS. NUNNALLY IS FULL OF SHIT.
    • AND THEN IT TELEPORTS TO ANOTHER BUILDING. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
  • Lelouch should be dead after running so much.
  • Awww yeah, Nina knows what’s going on. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
  • The racists are still stunned after MSGT saved someone’s life in front of their eyes. Wow.
  • MILLY ASHFORD WANTS LELOUCH’S PORN.
    • But no one else does. Sigh.
  • Lelouch reveals incredibly sensitive information that he has no reason to reveal at all.
  • Nina Einstein reaffirms her undying racism.
  • And now Lelouch is putting MSGT on the council because fuck it he’s his gay lover.
  • “How can I refuse a request from the vice-president?” -Milly Ashford
    • Uh, it’s literally your job, president.
  • Oh, yeah, Nunnally’s on the council too.
    • ….I take back what I said about Milly’s promise to the school. That’s disgusting.
  • Rivalz the Student Council Member once again proposes underage drinking in front of a hundred other students.
    • I also take back what I said about Rivalz. This dude must get laid every day.
  • Prince Clovis’ state funeral is surprisingly austere and lacking Jeremiah Gottwald’s decapitated head.
    • Also, nobody gives two fucks.
  • That is one fucking huge portrait of Prince Clovis. It is three stories tall.
    • Seriously, it is three stories tall.
  • Sweeping shots of the Britannimerican Royal Family, exactly two of which we will see again.
  • The Emperor professes his undying Social Darwinism.
    • He then defends this via weak stereotypes and baseless assertions.
  • Kotomine Kirei is the only Britannimerican in the entire Empire who isn’t giving this bullshit the time of day.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald is still alive and serving the Britannimerican military because pixies.
  • Lloyd says something cute. Awww.
  • I’m pretty sure the other superpowers of the world are also moving forward, Emperor Fatshanks.
    • That is his name now.
  • Clovis’ death served zero evolutionary purpose. His Royal Genocide did not have to die had anyone been paying the slightest bit of attention.
  • Emperor Fatshanks preaches about stealing, competing, acquiring, and dominating things, ignoring how any effective nation relies on people not doing that to a certain degree.
  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHRU HAAAAAAAIRU BURITAHNNIA!!!!!!
    • Most inspiring slogan evah.
  • Don’t worry, everyone. MSGT will reform this system from within. He can do it.
    • (Ten bucks on Emperor Fatshanks.)
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May 30, 2015

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Amused, Code Geass, Retrocaustic, TV/Anime

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Retrocaustic: Code Geass – Episode 5

Code Geass is stupid. But how stupid? Let’s find out together.

SILLY.ARABS

Very authentic Arabs.

Episode V – Blessed Be The Maker and His Hatred

  • Code Geass provides us with proof that lands outside of Japan actually exist.
  • It’s a desert battle over flat, open sand-dunes, except no defender would fight in such conditions. They’d choose a fortified position.
    • Why are those tanks so close together? Tanks don’t fight in such tight formations. No one does.
      • Why are those tanks so weird? That’s the most bizarre construction I’ve seen so far. Does it provide some sort of advantage when fighting on sandy sand?
  • “GLOUCESTERS?” – Asshole that’s about to die
    • How on EARTH could we have expected the Britannimericanns to use weapons platforms that have had six previous generations of development?
      • Inconceivable. Not even the Prophet could have seen this coming.
  • Of course they’re wearing traditional Arab head-garments and robes in the middle of combat. They’re Arabs. It’s not like Arabs wear normal military uniforms in battle conditions. It simply wouldn’t be possible to convey to the Japanese viewer that these might be Arabs without resorting to lazy stereotypes.
    • Fucking racists.
  • “Serupham” is not an actual place. It just just sounds vaguely Semitic. In fact, it sounds reaaaaaaaaaally Jewish.
    • Friends don’t let Japanese friends depict other cultures.
  • These Knightmares are painted fucking purple against white desert sand. How are they being surprised by them? A blind kangaroo rat could’ve seen them two thousand miles away in fucking Australia.
    • And why are they wearing capes? Is that supposed to protect against the sand? Because this is a sandy place in a sandy part of the Middle East and the Middle East is only filled with sandy sand dunes filled with sand?
      • Do they put fucking capes on tanks when they go into battle in the Middle East? Is that what they do? Because it’s a desert?
        • Fucking racists.
  • Wait, wait. “Fake Knightmares?” How are these giant, impractical weapons platforms that are, like, ten times the size of Knightmares and bear absolutely no resemblance to them in form or function “Fake Knightmares?”
    • Oh wait. My bad.
  • And there’s a random-ass golden-domed mosque on the hill there, just in case you had survived your previous violent encounter with this massive anvil.
    • Can you guess where Carmen Sandiego might be? I think we have some clues.
  • Why is Cornelia’s giant Knightmare standing majestically and wreathed in flames? The mosque wasn’t even that big. Where are its remains? Did they drop a fucking nuke on it?
  • “Impossible! One unit did all this!” -Very Arab Guy
    • No, it didn’t. There are at least three other Knightmares running around. Why would you pick those to be your last words on this earth? They aren’t even factually correct.
  • WHY IS HER KNIGHTMARE WEARING A CAPE? WHAT FUNCTION DOES IT SERVE?
    • Man, it must be hot in that getup. Explain to me why Cornelia li Britannia is wearing a corset while piloting a massive war machine in the middle of an equatorial desert.
  • “We’ve done it. Area 18 has been established.” -Cornelia li Britannia
    • Oh, so that’s it, huh. You blew up three weird machines and a mosque and defeated the entire Middle East.
      • Sure.
        • Okay.
          • Someone go give George Bush a ring. Tell him how easy that was.
  • And now they’re just randomly heading off to Japan. Like, right now.
    • “Hey guys, we’re done here. Time for Japanimation.”
    • “Huh? We’ve been here for less than five minutes. Shouldn’t we kinda stay around for a bit and set up a provincial government? Or deal with local militias–“
    • “DON’T INTERRUPT MY JAPANIMATION TIME, TERRY.”
      • “Also, I seem to be suffering from massive heatstroke in this corset. Could be problem.”
  • That viewscreen is showing her still standing in the fire. Was the mosque filled with oil barrels or something? Is that it?
    • Or are they fighting a raid boss now?
  • “Area 11 won’t be as easy as our usual assignments.” Cornelia li Britannia
    • How do you know that?
      • No, seriously, how do you know that? Japan has been been conquered and suppressed for almost a decade. How is it harder than conquering the entire Middle East?
        • It sounds like fucking vacation to me.
          • “I agree, milady.” -Random Asshole
            • Someone has a lot of brown on his nose.
  • Ooh, I guess Cornelia is supposed to be threatening because she’s…mean or something?
    • Look at that hair. I sure hope it doesn’t catch on any of the extremely sensitive equipment in this very cramped cockpit.
      • Are they ever going to bother showing these people wearing vaguely practical clothing, or is Sunrise going to keep throwing whole libraries of Abercrombie & Fitch catalogs at us?
        • What’s that, Abercrombie? You’ll pay me how much? Well, all my objections have suddenly vanished.
          • Ka-ching.
  • Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at the luxurious Palace of the Ashfords, Louis XIV turns in his grave out of furious envy.
  • These fucking automatic doors are everywhere.
    • Is this school’s budget one trillion double dollars?
  • C.C. scares the shit out of Lelouch. It’s funny.
  • Wait, so, um, explain to me how Nunnally is casually accepting this random green-haired girl who sneaked up on her in her own house in the middle of the night?
    • Wouldn’t that be, oh, I don’t know, a trigger of some kind?
      • Might resemble a vaguely similar event that happened in the past to Nunnally…
        • You know, a highly traumatic one…
          • …………………….
  • Yes, that’s all Nunnally is worried about. This “Zero” guy she heard about on TV. Not the complete stranger who infiltrated her house and is now drinking her tea.
    • I’d say at least ten thousand psychologists would jump at the chance to study Nunnally Lamperouge and her very disturbed cranium.
  • “Shi-tsuu.” I always loved how C.C.’s name is a homonym for a dog breed.
    • It’s so topically misogynist.
  • “You have such an odd friend here. Imagine, only going by her initials!” -Nunnally Lamperouge
    • Wow. That’s right. It is a little odd. In fact, it sounds reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally fake. Which begs the question why you took her into your house and served her tea and crumpets instead of calling the fucking police.
      • Nunnally actually believes “gullible” is not in the dictionary.
  • Nunnally presumes that this mysterious woman with the obviously fake name that she’s never seen or heard of before is Lelouche’s girlfriend.
    • I keep asking myself how lazy the writers in this show will get. I never learn my lesson, and I never will. I can never forgive them for the death of my son.
  • C.C. says really weird stuff that any normal person would find incredibly suspect.
    • How did I know Nunnally would presume C.C. was talking about marriage? It’s like these writers are five years old.
  • C.C. continues to act like a vicious witch, but Nunnally can’t pick up on any of this.
    • “I hate jokes.” -C.C, the most mischievous character in the series by far.
  • Nunnally has the insight of a wet brick.
    • She doesn’t even pick up on the very obvious sounds of her brother dragging a woman into another room.
      • Better hope an actual burglar doesn’t come visit Nunnally, cause she’s fucked then.
        • Apparently anyone can infiltrate this school with one hand tied behind their backs, even though Sayoko, their maid, is later shown to be a fucking ninja.
  • Why is that crane rocking back and forth like that? It’s like it’s a pendulum or something. Are these writers completely unfamiliar with the physical properties of paper?
    • I guess they know as much about paper as they do about the Middle East.
      • Or Arabs.
        • Or military combat.
          • Or character development.
            • Or continuity.
              • Or font formatting.
  • Lelouch just leaves Nunnally to clean up the mess. What an asshole.
    • He also jumps straight to violence against women, but this is Japan, so it’s perfectly acceptable.
  • Lelouch is surprised that the girl who magically spoke to him via telepathy and gave him magical powers was able to survive a bullet to the head.
    • Right after MSGT survived a bullet to the spine.
      • Has Lelouch been paying any attention to the behavior of this universe?
  • Lelouch vi Britannia wants us to believe his bullshit about having a “schedule”, as if he’s been carefully planning the destruction of the Holy Britannia(n) Empire in his head all this time.
    • After all, destroying a superpower is in the same category as time management and disciplined studying for Calculus II.
      • Which begs another question: what would Lelouch have done had he not ran into C.C. and attained magical powers? Are we supposed to believe his plan was still viable without that?
        • Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
  • Also, why did he say “schedule?” Does the Japanese language not have a word for schedule?
    • According to Google Translate, it does. Behold:
      • 予定
      • 計画, Aizen Sousuke and Light Yagami’s favorite word.
      • 時刻表
      • 一覧表
      • 時間割
      • And it goes on.
        • Let me guess: they wanted to use “schedule” to make it sound more dramatic. Shakespeare would be proud.
  • Never mind there’s no way Lelouch’s retarded “schedule” could’ve been remotely practical or that it completely contradicts his lackadaisical mindset that was presented to us at the beginning of the series.
    • Think about it from a literary standpoint. Lelouch was in a nadir of ennui then. That’s what makes his encounter with C.C. and all these events significant: Lelouch did not have a plan and was resigned to his ignominious fate as a normal high-school student. Spinning some ridiculous tale about how Lelouch has been planning the destruction of Britannia in his noggin this whole time just to make him seem more like a “genius” completely ruins his character.
      • I would pay mounds of cold, hard cash to see Code Geass and all its fucktitude analyzed in a college writing course.
        • That would be awesome.
  • That is a fucking stupid shirt, Lelouch.
  • Man, it’s a good thing the Palace of the Ashfords has fucking soundproof walls, otherwise it might be dangerous to talk about such incredibly sensitive matters in Lelouch’s room right after Lelouch and C.C. acted incredibly suspicious in front of Nunnally.
    • Nah, Nunnally probably went back to watching Blues Clues.
  • “I’d intended to do it [destroy Britannia] without this power.” -Lelouch vi Britannia
      • Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
  • “Just as I’d expected. This guy’s fascinating…” -C.C.
    • Real C.C. would have said this: “Holy crap, this punk is a deluded shithead. I’m out of here.”
  • C.C. brushes off the threat of the military as harmless. It’s just a “small part” of the military that involves the Third Prince.
    • And the Emperor.
      • And another psychotic weirdo with magical powers just like her.
        • And a facility with hundreds of people with Geass powers.
          • “Small” means something else in Japanese, I guess.
            • Hmm. No. It’s right here. 短い. Means “small.”
              • Huh.
                • Excuse me while I go shoot myself.
  • “Just hiding normally should be enough.” – C.C.
    • Yes, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s not like this school is literally in sight of the capitol complex.
      • Better hope V.V. isn’t there randomly to investigate these blatantly Geass-influenced events and just looks outside the window to his left.
        • Shooting myself seems to have failed. I must try again with larger bullets.
  • Why does C.C. even need to sleep? She’s immortal.
  • And she just disrobes right in front of him. We can assume, however, that Lelouch did not get a boner, because he has no penis to begin with.
  • Lelouch rambles on about what’s convenient for him as he rises over a barely covered C.C. in the missionary position.
    • Okay, maybe he does have a penis after all.
      • Oh my God…I hate this show.
  • Lelouch, in a fit of logical pique, demands answers to very reasonable questions. C.C. declines to give him any, probably because there aren’t any.
  • In this universe, it takes about three seconds for the sun to rise.
  • “Biglobe News.”
    • In this universe, the very same corporation developed in Japan. Just like Pizza Hut.
      • Ka-ching.
  • Cecile mentions that there have been seven other attacks since Zero appeared…which was literally last night.
    • Continuity’s ghost is demanding vengeance. Again.
      • However, I have learned that if you toss him a bag of Doritos and a laptop with Netflix, he just drifts off into a stupor for hours.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald is suffering the consequences of his actions.
    • I don’t know how this is possible.
      • Fuck literal time travel. I can handle that. Why are they punishing him now after all the other stupid shit he did?
  • Lloyd and Cecile are babbling on about stuff that makes no sense. Yawn.
  • Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back to the very Japanese people who haven’t changed their Japanese clothes in five days. They must reek of udon and tofu, which I can assume is all they eat. Because they’re Japanese.
    • Hey, if the writers can do it, I can do it too. Everything is fair game now.
  • “The Britannians are in chaos, thanks to Zero!” -Random Japanese Asshole
    • It has been less than twelve hours. How on earth is the entire administration of Japan in chaos after the appearance of one person who did nothing but rescue someone? He didn’t blow up the capitol building or anything.
  • Something about the Gurken Mk-II and Kyoto and…whatever.
    • Where is this fancy Japanese palace even located? Why aren’t they meeting in a highly fortified and practical location? Look at those flimsy walls and all that wasted space.
      • No, we have to sit through another shitty scene because these prick writers insist on telling us these guys are Japanese. WE GET THE MESSAGE, YOU FUCKS.
  • Wait, why wouldn’t Toudou ally with Zero? Isn’t that a good thing? To get on-board with someone who (somehow) has the world’s attention right now? How is that a bad thing for your cause?
  • In Moogle…wait, I’m sorry. In Biglobe, which paid lots of money for this plug, Lelouch searches for “Suzaku.” Just “Suzaku.” Not “Suzaku Kururugi.” No other specifying search parameters. Just “Suzaku.”
    • I hope nobody else or nothing else in Japan or Japanese history is named “Suzaku.”
      • Liiiike….
        • A major constellation.
        • A film.
        • Two Japanese emperors.
        • A video game developer.
        • A major street.
        • Multiple characters in fiction….
    • But of course the search is successful. Are we sure Lelouch’s magical powers are confined to the Geass?
      • That shit is sorcery. Pure fucking sorcery.
  • Lelouch notes, unironically, that C.C. is an asshole.
    • Also, there is a chessboard in this room. The exact same chessboard that noble was using Episode 1, with the exact same chess pieces Lelouch found in a random, scorched corner of the Shinjuku ghetto.
      • Apparently, in this parallel universe there is exactly one chessboard manufacturer, and they are some lazy motherfuckers.
        • But no, Pizza Hut is exactly the same. In fact, C.C. is eating some delicious Pizza Hut Pizza right now. Wouldn’t it be nice to have some juicy Pizza Hut Pizza right now? Get any toppings and two medium pizzas for $6.99.
          • Mmm, I love money.
            • I mean, pizza. Pizza.
  • C.C. tells Lelouch not to answer her if he doesn’t want to. However, the writers know they have to explain some of this horseshit before the fans catch on, so he obliges for no other reason.
  • “Orange was just something I made up.” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Lol, yeah. That’s the only thing made-up in this series. Pbbbbbth ha ha ha ha ha.
  • Speaking of made-up things, let’s move onto these magazines. It’s time for some lovely Engrish.
    • SILLY.ZERO-MAGAZINE
      • What the fuck?
        • I don’t get it. I don’t.
          • How do you pull off “Viceregal Offices Discuss More Stringent Security Measures to Counter Terrorism”, but fuck up something so simple as “Newsmagazine?”
            • These people need to take a font-formatting class. It’s a matter of national security.
              • Not that “Eleven or Japan? Colony Administration Questioned” or “Margrave Jeremiah and the Heavy Price of Orange Suspicions” make much sense.
                • My brain is broken.
  • “The whole world’s looking for you.” -C.C.
    • No, it’s not. Zero has appeared once in Japan and no one has any clue what he’s about. I’m pretty sure nobody in Europe or Africa or Asia or even Britannimerica itself know who the fuck Zero is or care.
      • “Because of you, the world is moving.”
        • This show has its head so far up its ass, it’s seeing this morning’s pizza slices.
  • Lelouch’s grand plan is to thrust the world into even more chaos, costing many innocent lives and inflicting horrible suffering on innocent people.
    • Ra ra, Lelouch.
  • Hey, it’s Mount Fuji. I wonder where this scene is located. Maybe Thailand.
  • MSGT is cleared of all charges due to “lack of evidence”, despite the incredibly corrupt justice system that had in its possession the gun used to murder Clovis with MSGT’s fingerprints on it and the inexplicable inadmissibility of the ten thousand reams of evidence proving him innocent. Why? Because a crazy terrorist said otherwise on national TV. Well, that settles that.
    • Here you go, MSGT. Accept these complimentary Pizza Hut coupons as an apology.
      • The plot always gets what it wants.
  • Did Euphemia li Britannia just pop into existence from four stories up wearing a heavy dress and MSGT’s malnourished arms catch her like she was a down pillow?
    • The Laws of Physics are all sitting in a corner together, drinking scotch and listening to “Piano Man.”
  • “Um, you aren’t hurt, are you?” -Suzaku Kururugi
    • You should be asking yourself that, MSGT. More specifically, your broken forearms.
      • And what a stupid question. It’s not like she jumped from a height from which no human could land without suffering horrible injuries or anything.
  • “Forgive me! I didn’t think there was anyone below me!” Euphemia li Britannia
    • Then how did you plan on surviving? That is pure concrete they’re standing on.
      • Oh, she’s been chased. Good thing nobody seems to be actually chasing her. She is being chased by imaginary people.
        • Euphemia li Britannia is completely bonkers. Just like everyone else on this show.
  • The Purebloods are talking about something that nobody cares about and acting like Cornelia wouldn’t have just replaced them anyway regardless of what they did or did not do.
    • They seem to be perplexed by how none of these events make any sense whatsoever. Life has much more in store for them.
      • If only someone knowledgeable would inform the military that people with magical mind-fucking powers exist. That seems like a very relevant fact that the military should know about.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald was clearly a rapacious asshole before all this happened, but people are just questioning his actions now?
    • It’s like everyone in the colonial administration of Japan attended a massive LSD rave and are all just now coming down from the sweet high.
  • Hmm, if only General Bartley had told the military what he knew about these magical girls and their magical powers. That would have, I dunno, completely cleared his name and ruined Lelouch’s plans in an instant.
  • Hey, Villetta. Maybe you should talk to someone about this extremely troubling and bizarre pattern of highly convenient memory loss. It might be important.
    • Also, why can’t Villetta remember what happened with Lelouch? Lelouch didn’t specify in his order for her to forget everything about him. I can understand her forgetting about actually handing over her Knightmare to him, but not her forgetting the three minutes of interaction she had with the innocent “Alan Spacer” beforehand.
      • Oh, these writers are just making shit up as they go along? You don’t say. J.J. Abrams must be mentoring them.
  • Euphemia li Britannia is being “chased” by “people”, so of course MSGT takes her to an open square in the middle of broad daylight and walks calmly at a pace of exactly 0.3 miles per hour.
  • MSGT does not suspect that “Euphy” just might be “Princess Euphemia,” whose face and arrival was undoubtedly all over the news.
    • Particularly after she reveals she knows exactly who he is.
  • MSGT finally catches onto the fact that Euphemia isn’t being chased by anyone, but he sure didn’t seem to give a shit beforehand.
  • Oh, I get it. Euphemia is nice and sweet and kind. Mmm hmmm.
    • Can you say “moar tragedy bait”?
  • That is a fucking loud cat meow. It’s like it has a loudspeaker in its lungs somewhere.
  • The wild, feral cat bites MSGT. Oh well, who cares about rabies. Let’s go look at this traffic light that has blue bulbs instead of green ones.
    • Because it’s Japan. It’s not like the Britannimericans would adopt their own infrastructural conventions after conquering a nation or anything.
      • Fucking racists.
  • Why are Cecile and Lloyd traveling in a massive weapons platform? Why not just go pick up MSGT in a normal car like normal fucking people?
  • “They had no evidence [to convict Suzaku].” -Lloyd Asplund
    •  Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
      • That doctored gun Jeremiah Gottwald showed MSGT sure seemed like “evidence.”
  • Why weren’t MSGT and Euphemia in the frame beforehand? I should note the car Armored Personnel Carrier that Lloyd and Cecile are in is facing the direction MSGT came from, and the frame clearly showed a long section of the oncoming sidewalk. They were only talking for about four seconds. So why did they just suddenly appear out of nowhere?
    • And that’s another bag of Doritos sacrificed to sate the ravaging ghost of continuity. Such a cheap price for such wonders.
  • Does nobody in the Holy Britannia(n) Empire keep track of the Third Princess of Britannia right after the Third Prince of Britannia was assassinated under mysterious conditions?
  • “Unrequited love is the mark of a kind person.” -Euphemia li Britannia, MD in Psychology
    • I want to slap Euphemia in the face and send her back to medical school, where she belongs.
  • MSGT takes the Third Princess of Britannia on a shopping trip just after being released from custody due to being suspected of killing the Third Prince of Britannia. Absolutely nobody in the Holy Britannia(n) Empire gives a shit about this either.
    • [sobs internally]
  • Look at how rich the city of the imperialist bastards is.
  • What, are they communicating via telepathy now?
  • LOL, Lloyd and Cecile are inconspicuously stalking these two in a massive APC and not one person seems to give two fucks about it either. Everyone is on drugs. EVERYONE.
  • “Su-NEWS.”
    • Is that a reference to something stupid? It sure seems like it.
  • “JAV11.”
    • The fuck does that mean?
      • Do these animators just insert random numbers and letters into the frame to make things look cool?
  • The regicide suspect is now being allowed to take the Third Princess of Britannia to a violent ghetto that was just subjected to untold destruction.
    • Logic has joined the Laws of Physics, nursing their sorrows over a bottle of warm sake.
  • I need to eat something that is not Pizza Hut.
  • Lelouch is searching about information about himself on his very un-chic laptop.
    • It’s a good thing the Holy Britannia(n) Empire does not monitor the Internet.
  • Why did Kallen Statdfeld’s Derriere say “bathroom”? Does the Japanese language not have a word for “bathroom”?
    • What does Moogle say? We wonders, we wonders…
      • 浴室
      • トイレ
        • Both of which are more common than バスルーム.
  • I like how KSD just presumes the bathroom phone had Caller ID. Why wouldn’t the Palace of the Ashfords have magical bathroom phones with Caller ID on them? It does make sense, as much as it pains me to say.
  • Lelouch casually reveals that the call she got from Zero came from inside the school. Wow. He’s pretty free with such critical information.
  • C.C. hates jokes, but she sure loves fucking with Lelouch.
  • Lelouch handles this situation in the worst way possible: kissing Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere.
    • No, not literally. That would be interesting.
      • And of course Shirley is right there at that exact moment.
        • C.C. must be loving this.
  • Bartley is being flown back to Britannimerica in a ridiculous restraining contraption.
  • C.C. has no concept of “operational security.” She’s also wearing Lelouch’s shirt. Awwwkward.
    • Does she honestly think none of the other students would pick up on the fact that they’ve never seen her before?
  • Lelouch tests his magical power on a girl, forcing her to go to the same spot at the school at the same time every day for the rest of her life. Exactly how much would that fuck her up?
    • This much:
      • SILLY.OBAMA-THIS-MUCH
  • Wait. Lelouch seems to call the power “Geass” on a whim. C.C. seems to act like she’s never heard of that term before, but everyone else who knows about Geass would be using it anyway. So how did Lelouch arrive at precisely that term as well? Did he look it up on Moogle–I mean, Biglobe?
  • Lelouch has zero qualms about testing his magical powers on innocent people.
    • Ra ra, Lelouch.
  • Why does Lelouch says “specs”? Does the Japanese language not have a word for “specifications?”
    • Oh Moooooooooooooooooogle, darling.
      • 仕様
        • It’s right there.
          • You lazy fucks.
  • I’m sure nobody will notice the mysterious girl with long, flowing neon-green hair talking with Lelouch on the rooftop.
  • “I won’t do anything to endanger us.” -C.C.
    • Except this.
      • And that.
        • And that other thing.
          • No, I’ll just endanger us constantly and nothing will happen because PLOT.
  • SHINJUKU GHETTO IS SAD.
    • There’s the Tokyo Metropolitan Building Again, except the last time we saw it was standing up perfectly straight and could support the weight of Knightmares.
      • Doritos packet #3.
  • There are lots of graves, just in case you weren’t sad yet.
  • Imperialist Britannimericans are acting like imperialist assholes.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald is still allowed to pilot a Knightmare after two back-to-back incidents in which he fucked everything up while piloting a Knightmare.
  • Villetta threatens these poor comms guys with a fucking rapier. Why? Why not just use a gun?
  • Oh look, it’s Purple Blazer, causing trouble for all mankind.
    • Why are all of these people speaking Japanese? This makes no sense.
  • GASP. SUZAKU LOST HIS SUNGLASSES.
    • THOSE WERE OAKLEYS, YOU SICK BASTARD.
  • Purple Blazer gets his ass kicked. Yay.
    • But he’s right. Suzaku is a traitor in every way, shape, and form.
  • Wait. C.C.’s entire outfit is a one-piece?
    • That’s so fucking stupid I can’t even wrap my head around it.
  • Lelouch’s Geass range is “270 meters.” That’s almost 900 feet, or well over two football fields long.
    • But it still requires “eye contact.”
      • Which isn’t a meaningful concept past a certain distance anyway. Does looking in their general direction count?
        • “It also appears that the subject has no memory of events before, during, or after the power is used.”
          • Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
            • Yes, they do. Geass doesn’t just wipe away their entire life’s memory. Obviously it only blanks out a very limited amount of short-term memory, the limits of which will never be clearly delineated for the convenience of the plot.
    • It also damages the subject’s cerebrum. Wow. What a great and useful power.
  • “My opponent is an empire which controls 1/3 of the entire world. There’s no such thing as being too careful.”
    • Except for the veritable constellation of incredibly reckless and stupid things I’ve done that have put my plan into serious jeopardy already.
  • C.C. rightfully points out that Lelouch’s plan is retarded.
  • Oh God. Here comes the philosophizing.
    • “Is it bad to be weak?” -Suzaku Kururugi
      • No, not inherently, but it does kinda suck.
  • MSGT is intent on breaking the cycle of hatred by fighting under the banner of a malicious, bloodthirsty, racist, expansionist, genocidal imperial power.
    • Ra ra, Suzaku.
      • And now he wants to create a world without war. See above.
  • Lelouch essentially states that the only way to win is by winning, regardless of who the victor is.
    • Ra ra, Lelouch.
  • MSGT doesn’t want his father’s death to be in vain, so he’ll fight under the banner of the malicious, bloodthirsty, racist, expansionist, genocidal imperial power that conquered his father’s country.
    • Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald was ambushed like an idiot. One wonders how he managed to become a “margrave” in the first place.
  • How will brutally killing Jeremiah Gottwald in cold blood wipe away your disgrace? That’s a very Japanese way of thinking, Mr. Britannimerican.
    • Very Japanese, indeed.
      • Hey, is this show being written by Japanese people?
  • “This is how we deal with the traitors among us!” -Lord Kewell
    • The Holy Britannia(n) Empire could not have conquered a nursery rhyme book, let alone a developed country, with this level of incompetence.
  • How did MSGT and Euphemia not notice the giant APC following them in around in broad daylight this whole time?
  • Lloyd is such a lovable asshole. He’s about the only likable character on this show.
  • It’s really convenient how MSGT not only presumes they brought the Lancelot with them in this random APC for some reason, but that he turns out to be right.
    • It’s almost like this was all planned out ahead of time.
      • Like with a script. Or something.
  • MSGT is going to jump headlong into a combat situation that he knows absolutely nothing about, regardless of any innocent bystanders that might be bystanding about.
  • Now we have to wonder why Jeremiah Gottwald isn’t dead yet. How long does it take four Knightmares to destroy one? They keel over from the slightest gust of wind whenever its convenient, but now Jeremiah Gottwald’s Sutherland is suddenly more resilient than carbon-nanofiber steel.
    • Consistency has now joined Logic and the Laws of Physics in the corner. They’re breaking out a karaoke machine.
  • “Don’t worry, Jeremiah. We’ll say you died in battle.” -Lord Kewell
    • Do you honestly think anyone will buy the excuse that Jeremiah Gottwald happened to die in a battle that nobody else participated in?
  • Why isn’t Jeremiah dead yet? WHY? HOW DO YOU SUCK SO BAD?
    • And what the fuck does this little spat have to do with the imperial family?
      • WHY DO NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS HAVE BRAINS?
  • Um. Question. What channel are all these morons broadcasting their comms on? Is it a public one? Because Suzaku just joined in without knowing what frequency they were on.
    • Has anyone at Sunrise ever thought about the logistics of how people piloting giant robots manage to so clearly communicate with each other, even across franchises?
      • No.
  • Yes, thank you for announcing the obvious to us, Jeremiah Gottwald. You’re useful.
    • Legolas wants to date you.
  • I wonder how this incident will be recorded in Britannia’s military records. It’ll probably be hilarious.
  • MSGT babbles on about the battle being “meaningless” when he has no idea what’s going on.
    • Remember. These guys are trying to kill Jeremiah Gottwald, the person who was gleefully trying to execute MSGT literally yesterday.
      • This show is so badly constructed that I can use the word “literally” correctly in every circumstance.
  • What does “MVS” mean? Is it some Engrish monstrosity? I want to know. It is very important.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald rightfully doesn’t understand why MSGT is saving him.
  • Kewell, if you couldn’t kill Jeremiah after ten minutes of dialog, you sure as fuck can’t kill him now.
    • Also, great timing, Villetta. You might have radioed Jeremiah two minutes after you figured out what was going on and just prevented this whole situation from happening.
      • But seriously, Jeremiah’s glad you’re here.
  • Holy shit, Kewell just throws this horrific weapon of mass shrapnel at them without thinking about it.
    • It’s a good thing MSGT’s magical shields are invincible and protect Euphemia’s body from the ten zillion pieces of shrapnel flying at her from every angle.
  • No. Seriously. How did Euphemia just survive that without a scratch?
    • The same way she fell from a four story window without breaking anything.
      • The Laws of Physics just hammed that note hard. They’re singing “Hallelujah.”
  • So, Kewell. How are you going to whitewash almost killing the Third Princess of Britannia?
  • Everyone is surprised at the Third Princess of Britannia being among them, probably because they don’t know how to keep track of their own royal family members.
    • Hmm, Kewell, maybe you were right. These people do need saving.
  • Oh, sure, Lloyd. Euphemia isn’t well-known because she’s a student and has never been seen in public before.
    • Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
  • Why does Euphemia have the gall to compare MSGT’s father to a genocidal bastard like Clovis?
    • That’s a paddling, Euphemia.
  • There’s Cornelia, finally. Not that anyone really cares.
    • Also, why does she call Cornelia “Onee-sama”?
      • Here we go again.
  • That’s a fucking stupid outfit, Cornelia. You have no peripheral vision whatsoever.
  • Sigh. MSGT gets enrolled at the Palace of the Ashfords?
    • Why? Because there is a God, and He knows no love.

 

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May 9, 2015

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Code Geass, Retrocaustic, TV/Anime

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Retrocaustic: Code Geass – Episode 4

Code Geass is stupid. But how stupid? Let’s find out together.

Said your mother when you were conceived.

Said your mother when you were conceived.

Episode IV – The Usual Idiots

  • Oh yay, a slightly different recap. Praise Hojo.
    • This “mysterious” girl will definitely not come back into the story.
  • It may or may not surprise you that “Geass,” referring to the Irish folklore taboo, is actually spelled “geis” or “geas” and pronounced like “gehsh.” I’m going to take a wild gehsh and assume the Japanese writers looked it up on Moogle, read it once phonetically in Engrish, and then ran with it instead of taking all of twenty seconds to confirm its pronunciation, like I did.
    • Anyone want to fight me on this assertion? Anyone? The starting wager is set at one trillion dollars.
  • Lelouch’s grand plan is to use an unreliable magical power that can be used exactly once on a person to destroy an entire world empire inhabited and run by billions of people. Call me skeptical, but I don’t think it’s gonna work.
    • Besides, it’s totally warranted to want to cause untold death, upheaval, destruction, and chaos by destroying an empire just so you can avenge your mother and make a world where your sister can be happy, even though she already is happy and Lelouch knows that only three-ish people were responsible for his mother’s death.
      • What an admirable, admirable protagonist.
    • Why is Nunnally not in counseling? What twelve-year-old girl would be well-adjusted after being held by the bullet-ridden, blood-soaked corpse of her mother?
  • The Emperor is not fat. He’s big-boned.
    • What a surprise the Emperor is not the end of the plot. Lelouch has not considered the possibility that there might be other magical girls out there giving other people magical powers.
      • Genius.
  • Oh Suzaaaaaaaaaaku, my darling. Look at how well the Britannimericans are treating you.
    • Why is Jeremiah even bothering with this fake interrogation? He knows MSGT had nothing to do with his death.  I can’t imagine he gives two shits about due process or anything.
      • Uh, hey, Jeremiah, I have some issue with your plan that I just thought of. They’re nothing big, but just hear me out:
        • Lloyd, a Britannimerican noble who undoubtedly outranks your retarded ass, can put MSGT in his lab at precisely the time you say he killed Prince Clovis with multiple witnesses to back him up. There is no way anyone besides you believes in this sham accusation, so there is no way this can advance your position politically.
        • Executing an obvious scapegoat–particularly the son of the last free leader of Japan–for blatantly racist motivations will not endear the Japanese populace to you and might cause further unrest, which again, would only draw attention to yourself and your systematic incompetence.
        • Why are you even in charge of this investigation? Doesn’t the Holy Britannia(n) Empire have agencies to investigate this sort of thing? What exactly is your position or authority? Wouldn’t the other members of the royal family be just a little bit interested in overseeing the investigation of the death of one of their siblings?
          • As far as I know, Jeremiah Gottwald is just a random Knightmare pilot. How is any of this happening?
        • Oh yeah, Jeremiah. I’m sure MSGT will admit the crime he did not commit just so he could be subjected to a mock trial as an honorary Britannimerican under your trustworthy purview. Your psychological insight knows no bounds.
    • This is just another shitty scene to show how one-dimensional and cruel these Britannimericans are, although I will admit it is a tad entertaining to watch MSGT get the shit beaten out of him for the third time in as many days.
  • Why does Nunnally call Suzaku “Suzaku-san”? Why? Weren’t they friends? Can these Japanese writers not write realistic dialog in their own language?
  • Asshole Japanese guy, whom I shall call Purple Blazer henceforth, yells at Ohgi for not claiming the Japanese resistance assassinated the Third Prince of Britannia. Purple Blazer does not realize how badly that would go for them.
  • What’s with this random shitty graffiti? Who let a four-year-old scrawl a skull and then a happy sun on the same metal door? Oh, I get it. This hideout is rundown. That totally needed to be anviled in there.
    • HOLY SHIT. How lazy are these animators?
      • Look at that shit.
      • SILLY.WA-TER
      • Wa-ter.
        • Did they want to claim credit for their shitty-ass font formatting?
          • “Water” wraps around the whole water bottle. What…I don’t…
            • Did they buy these from Japanese Wal-Mart?
      • These fucking chauvinists.
        • Wa-ter.
  • Of course there’s a Japanese flag, but I have a question: why is it exactly the same flag we use in the real world? That rendition has a very particular history behind it.
    • Namely, it is not this flag:
      • SILLY.IMPERIAL-FLAG
      • Which flew over large swaths of the entire Pacific Rim for three-ish decades and is about twenty million times more offensive to Asians than the Confederate Flag is to Americans.
      • The flag was changed after Japan was defeated in World War II by the Allies. So, what, are they implying the Japanese people are cosmically destined to build a racist, imperialist, genocidal empire and then be defeated by a morally superior Western power?
        • ‘Cause that’s the shittiest destiny I’ve ever heard of.
  • Who is Naoto and why the fuck don’t I care?
    • He’s also definitely not Japanese.
  • Why did he just say “riida?” Does the Japanese language not have a word for “leader”?
    • Google gives me twenty-five other possible candidates. Are you telling me that none of them would have sufficed here and the Japanese had to borrow “riida” from English just to convey that basic, neutral concept?
      • Ugh. I hate my life.
  • Who is this random geezer and why the fuck don’t I care?
  • Just in case you did not know: Britannia owns this land.
  • These kids must be so bored. I bet none of them cared about the Third Prince. Half of them probably thought he was a real asshole.
  • Why did they show those birds fly by? Was to that make the scene interesting? If so, then scrap the scene and come up with something else.
  • Lloyd, a Britannimerican noble, is wringing his hands over losing MSGT even though he has all the evidence in the world needed to prove his innocence.
    • Also, MSGT did not earn 94% piloting efficiency (whatever the fuck that means) after one session while having never piloted a Knightmare in his life.
      • Nor does Lloyd have any basis to believe that no other young Britannimerican pilot in the entire Empire with years of experience and proper training could match this random almost-dead Japanese guy he picked up off the street.
        • Nothing. Makes. Sense.
  • WHY DOES THE ENGLISH IN THIS SHOW SUCK SO BAD? DID THEY REALLY THINK THEY COULD GET AWAY WITH “MEASURE RESULT”?
  • Yes, Cecile. He should tell them to release Suzaku. That would make sense. But you are a woman, so you have no say.
  • What the…? Lloyd says: “Since Bartley’s disgrace, the Purelbloods have been in control of the military.”
    • Huh?
      • Have these people never heard of this alien concept called the “chain of command? 
        • How are the Purebloods now in control? Is there no other general in all of Area 11 that could have assumed command?
          • Or a colonel? Or a major?
            • How the fuck did control of the entire military in Japan suddenly shift to Jeremiah Gottwald? That is not fucking possible.
              • Wa-ter.
  • The mighty Purebloods are racists whose mentality is utterly detrimental to the ability of the Britannimerican military to maintain its ranks or hold conquered territories.
  • Also, why are Shirley and Lelouch randomly talking about this at the exact same time? How could this possibly have come up in casual conversation?
    • “Hey, Lelouch. Wanna bone?”
    • “No, Shirley. Let me just tell you about these ‘purebloods’ you never asked me about.”
    • “Uh, okay, but can we bone after? There’s a locker room right over there.”
    • “No. Sex is gross.”
    • “Oh well, too bad there aren’t a thousand other young, healthy, virile boys surrounding me. I’ll just ask Jim when we’re done.”
    • “Yes, Jim is fortunate enough to have a penis.”
    • “Totes. So, ‘purebloods?'”
  • Two hours ago, Jeremiah Gottwald snidely remarked about how a cursory investigation wouldn’t find the real killer. Two hours later, Jeremiah Gottwald pencil-whipped an obviously cursory investigation because beavers.
    • I get it. Jeremiah Gottwald is an asshole. I got it the moment I saw him.
      • Also, apparently he’s a margrave, also known as a marquis. That explains nothing.
  • Lloyd: “I doubt there’s anyway he’ll be found innocent.”
    • Alas for all the evidence we have at our fingertips that prove his innocence beyond a shadow of a doubt.
  • Rivalz is talking. This should be illegal. Someone call the police.
  • Lelouch randomly decides to give up gambling, not that anybody cared enough to stop him in the first place.
  • Of course we see a razed Tokyo Tower. Why not?
    • Why the fuck not.
      • It’s not like we knew this was Japan. I thought it was fucking Chile.
  • Obvious propaganda is obvious.
  • Why did Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere go to this den of propaganda?
    • Oh, right, the magical bathroom phone told her to.
      • I forgot.
        • Unfortunately, now I have remembered.
          • Wa-ter.
  • Behold: “Japanese” terrorists. One has blue hair, one has brown hair, and one has an afro.
    • How were they even let in here?
  • Let’s watch what impossible scheme Lelouch is spinning here. Count how many seconds it takes before you suffer an aneurysm.
    • I’m so glad this place does not have any security cameras and that nobody in the building knew what Lelouch vi Britannia looked like.
      • That was three seconds, by the way.
  • “His Highness’ memorial program was handled very well.” – Jeremiah Gottwald
    • Except for the part where I violently stormed his funeral procession in broad fucking daylight.
      • Which apparently had zero political consequences for Jeremiah Gottwald.
        • That was two seconds.
  • Diethard has the same voice as Kotomine Kirei. No wonder I like him.
    • Henceforth, Diethard shall be known as Kotomine Kirei.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald is such an asshole that he openly suspects and derides Kotomine Kirei for doing his job competently.
    • This summer in bookstores: How to Lose Friends and Influence Nobody, by Jeremiah Gottwald, with a special forward by Lelouch vi Britannia.
  • No, Jeremiah Gottwald, you weren’t important enough to have a memorial video prepared for you beforehand, just like you aren’t now.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald tries to shove Kotomine Kirei into military intelligence. And fails.
  • What is Jeremiah Gottwald’s plan? Does he honestly think executing the son of the last free Japanese leader will ingratiate himself with the populace or advance his standing somehow?
    • It won’t. There is no way it could.
  • Villetta rightly points out that Jeremiah Gottwald’s plan is fucking stupid and will almost certainly backfire.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald says he’ll personally provide security in his own Sutherland, because that went so well last time.
    • Villetta, you might want to quintuple the security force just in case your boss trips his Knightmare over a fucking pebble and breaks it.
      • Yes, Jeremiah Gottwald, a clearly unstable individual, plans to surround himself with a throng of loyal Britannimerican onlookers, then slaughter any “troublemakers” delicately with a giant machine gun.
        • There is no way such a plan could possibly go awry.
  • This elevated train line goes through the ghetto. Why? Is it going to another ritzy Britannimerican part of town? Why would they restore the city in a patchwork pattern, forcing them to build such infrastructure to service them?
    • Also, if Japan was defeated in less than a month, how was the entire Kantou plain devastated so thoroughly? Did the Holy Britannia(n) Empire just carpet-bomb the fuck out of everything?
      • Wait, this train marks the border of the Britannian district? Isn’t that, um, kinda dangerous?  Why isn’t this train bombed weekly?
        • Why do the train stops have Japanese names? The Holy Britannia(n) Empire went to such lengths as to rename the entire country. Why is this next stop named “Okubo?”
          • And the line is called the “Chou Soubu” Line. Fuck authenticity.
    • This train is painted red and purple, just in case you were wondering if it belonged to Britannia.
  • That’s a Pizza Hut ad.
    • Pizza Hut is an American restaurant chain. This is an alternate universe with profoundly different geopolitics. Do they think a pizza franchise in this weirdly alternate universe would come up with that exact same logo and advertising aesthetic?
      • The Japanese love money.
        • Wa-ter.
  • How did Lelouch clear out this car?
    • No, he did not use his Geass to do it. That wouldn’t stop any passengers not already in the car from coming back in where there was room.
      • This is not a clandestine meeting place, Lelouch. Dozens of people can see you.
        • FEAR THE MASKED FIGURE STANDING UNDERNEATH A PIZZA HUT SIGN.
          • HERE IS THE PEPPERONI THOU HATH REQUESTED.
            • THAT WILL BE TEN DOLLARS.
              • CASH ONLY. UNMARKED BILLS.
  • The excuse is that Lelouch used his Geass to do it. Something like the following will happen in approximately five seconds:
    • “Hey, Bob. Let’s go to the next car. It’s way less crowded.”
    • “Okay, Steve.”
    • “Wait, why is everyone staring into space like zombies with red halos in their eyes? Should we call someone?”
    • “Yeah, call an ambulance or something. I’m gonna go check the next car.”
    • “Good idea.”
      • But it doesn’t.
  • Lelouch does not look sketchy at all. Everyone seems to take him really seriously despite how comical this whole situation is.
  • Oh ho, the hue changed. How not creative.
  • Is he speaking through a microphone? His voice just changed.
  • Why did the Japanese guy just say “tour”?
  • This scene is trying to be so dramatic, but with the fucking Pizza Hut signs in every shot, I can’t help but see it as an argument with the pizza delivery guy on Halloween.
    • “WHERE THE FUCK IS OUR PIZZA, MAN? AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?”
    • “IT REMAINETH WARM AND FRESH INSIDE MY HIDDEN KNAPSACK, BUT FIRST YE MUST PAY ME OBEISANCE.”
    • “WE DIDN’T BRING ANY CANDY, MAN. JUST COCAINE.”
    • “THEN THY TONGUES SHALL NEVER KNOW THE TASTE OF HEAVEN.”
  • “Terrorism will not defeat Britannia.” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Who is trying to destroy Britannia via terrorism.
      • Lelouch might want to listen to his own advice.
  • “Terrorism is merely a childish nuisance.” – Lelouch vi Britannia
    • I’ve got it. All we have to do to defeat ISIS is send Lelouch to talk to them. They’ll give up.
  • “Don’t mistake your enemy. It isn’t the Britannian people, but Britannia itself!” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Which is made up of the Britannian people.
      • How are you going to damage one without harming the other?
  • “What you need to fight is a war!” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Oh, a war. That’s a much better idea than terrorism. All our problems are solved!
      • Also, didn’t you fight a war already? And, um, lose? Really badly? (Somehow.)
        • “Without involving the civilians!”
          • Every military leader in history is laughing.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere rightly points out that everything Lelouch said is completely retarded.
  • These people actually think that Lelouch is going to take off his mask. Lol.
    • Also, how has Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere not recognized Lelouch’s voice by now?
  • It’s another Japanese flag. There’s a slight possibility that Japanese people might be talking.
    • There’s tatami. An Asian man is sitting on his knees as if meditating. He has a sheathed katana in front of him. I conclude there is a very slight possibility that this involves Japanese people.
      • Oh look, Japanese people. I, for one, am shocked.
        • Why are they all wearing hats inside? Do they not know that every soldier in the world takes his hat off when inside?
  • That old guy’s eyebrows are monstrous.
    • They must be at least an inch wide.
      • And those whiskers, damn. This guy knows how to groom himself.
  • That other old asshole’s hair is wild too. It’s like he has wings on the back of his head.
    • Jesus Christ, is this even a military?
  • Lloyd says “Congratulations!” to a guy who is about to be executed, a guy whose innocence he could prove in five seconds. And both of them know this.
    • Lloyd is a fucking prick.
  • “You might be getting a trial, but nobody’s on your side.” -Lloyd Asplund
    • Not like you could do anything, Lloyd.
      • Also, you have the most unfortunate surname ever coined.
  • Hey, Suzaku: you still think you can change the system from within?
    • How is MSGT not a jaded sociopath at this point? The world keeps stepping on his dick at every turn.
  • BREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK.
  • Who designed this city? Who designs a city in such a retarded manner as to require a cable-span bridge to cross a bottomless chasm in the middle of the metropolis? Why is it there?
  • Wait, have they not finished MSGT’s trial yet? Man, this is one efficient-ass autocracy.
  • The Ashford Academy Student Council has a giant HD screen TV in its meeting room.
    • They need it.
      • For very good reasons.
  • Kotomine Kirei is in charge of this spectacle. All will be perfectly fine.
  • How much did they pay these idiots to come here? Like, five bucks each? Geez.
  • Man, guys, I don’t think MSGT is gonna be able to go anywhere. You kinda went a little overboard with the guards and the fucking straight jacket.
  • Who the fuck was that random girl and why the fuck don’t I care?
    • Oh wait, that was a sound of one of those bamboo tubes they have in Japanese gardens. I think she might have been Japanese.
      • Subtle, Code Geass. Really subtle.
  • The following conversation is actually taking place:
    • “But we know that Suzaku’s innocent.”
    • “The court deemed our testimony inadmissable. It can’t be helped.”
      • Why is it inadmissable? It’s military records obtained during combat. It cannot, by law, be inadmissable.
        • Not that the trial has even taken place yet, you fuckers. This is such a lazy plug for a gaping plot hole.
          • I hate these writers with all my heart and soul.
  • Is nobody the least bit annoyed by how obvious this propaganda is?
  • Why is Jeremiah Gottwald directing the trial? Is this parade supposed to be the trial? What authority does he have as a military judge? Have these writers never researched a military justice system before?
  • Oh my God. We get it. Lelouch is coming to save the day. We don’t need to see him putting on his outfit, you lazy punks.
    • And where is he even doing this? And why now?
  • “There’s no way just the three of them can do this!” – Purple Blazer
    • Very good point, asshole. Too bad there is no loving God.
  • They renamed this street “Third Street,” but couldn’t rename a fucking train stop. The Holy Britannia(n) Empire has priorities.
  • Uh, hey, Jeremiah Gottwald. I have a few questions again. Nothing major:
    • How did you guys lose Prince Clovis’ car? How did you let it get stolen? Why wasn’t it reported stolen?
    • Why are you, the Marquis of the entire region personally overseeing security for this charade, letting the car through even though your subordinate just told you it’s a massive security risk?
      • It’s almost as if this was all planned out ahead of time.
        • No, not by Lelouch. I mean by some asshole writers who couldn’t make it anywhere else but Sunrise Entertainment.
    • Why is any of this happening? Why is Jeremiah letting this happen? What the fuck is his reasoning behind it?
      • Wa-ter.
  • Everyone somehow doesn’t see the car approaching the procession down the completely empty 10-lane highway. Is everyone in the Holy Britannia(n) Empire blind?
    • If so, then I’ve got some bad news for you, Lelouch.
  • Hey, idiots. I don’t care how Lelouch got Clovis’ car. Anyone in their right mind would command his forces to intercept it and prevent it from reaching the procession. This scene doesn’t make an ounce of sense.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere seriously asks herself if the Britannimericans will be fooled by the scrap heap she’s driving. Do they not realize that every square millimeter of this road is being watched by high-definition video cameras that hundreds of millions of people across the world are tuning into?
  • Why does Lelouch say “clear”? Does the Japanese language not have a word for the verb “to clear”? One that would probably sound way cooler?
  • How did this car get through any security checkpoint? How?
  • Ummmmmmmmmm, what just happened? Did Lelouch just set that curtain on fire?
    • How did it burn away cleanly in, like, three seconds? That is not how fire operates in this universe
      • So Pizza Hut exists and has the exact same logo, but fire burns things instantly. Right.
  • So, um, is Lelouch speaking English or Japanese in this scene?
  • Somewhere out in North America, the Emperor is giggling, as is half of his family, because they all recognize Lelouch’s voice.
    • Also, how is Lelouch projecting his voice that loud? Does he have a mic? Where is it? Where are the speakers for it? In the car? I sure as fuck don’t see any.
  • “Zero? As in nothing?” -Diethard
    • No, idiot. As in the number, not the abstract concept. What normal person would think that?
      • These writers are so fucking pretentious.
  • JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE STANDING IN THEIR JAPANESE DOJO WITH THEIR JAPANESE FLAG AND JAPANESE KATANAS LOOKING VERY JAPANESE.
  • MSGT does not recognize the voice of his best friend.
  • Hey, here’s an idea: how about you shoot him, Jeremiah? Like, with a gun. Or do you not know how to use one?
    • Because that would explain your fuckup the last time.
      • Wa-ter.
  • Oh. It’s, uh, C.C’s containment pod.
    • Hmm. Okay. Slight problem:
      • How did Lelouch get that? At no point did he retrieve it. In fact, he high-tailed it out of there once Villetta gave him her Knightmare. Plus, the military recovered MSGT in the same place. Did they just leave the pod there?
        • I think continuity’s maimed ghost just floated past me, wailing.
  • Lelouch, how does terrorizing the innocent civilian populace with the threat of POISON GAS advance your cause?
    • Not to mention no one has any idea what the thing is anyway. So who the fuck cares?
  • Yes, let’s keep standing around watching the TERRORIST and hope he explains what this suspicious looking device does.
    • This announcer is high as a kite.
  • OH WOW, JEREMIAH GOTTWALD. YOUR PLAN BACKFIRED. WHAT AN UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS.
    • Also, since when do you care about other people’s lives?
  • That gun also has a purposeless light on it. Some marketer has to be making millions off that shit.
  • Why did Kotomine Kirei call that asshole an “amateur”? Does the Japanese language…no, I can see them needing to borrow that one. That’s fine.
    • A better question would be why Kotomine Kirei had that random video camera nearby in the first place.
  • Why doesn’t the Holy Britannia(n) Empire use these things called “snipers” and carefully “snipe” the terrorist in the head without damaging the capsule?
    • There is no way Japan was beaten by this lunacy.
  • Lelouch must’ve starched the beeswax out of that collar.
  • Somewhere out in North America, the royal family is assembling to descend upon Japan and arrest Lelouch for killing on of their own.
    • But first, they must order pizza.
  • Let’s all trust this masked man who claims he killed Prince Clovis. He is very credible.
  • Doesn’t anybody in the military know this capsule is harmless?
  • “He’s playing this whole thing like it’s a show!” -Diethard
    • Just like we are, but it’s different! Somehow!
  • Shoot him, Jeremiah. It’s what you should have done five minutes ago.
  • Lelouch says “Orange,” but he’s speaking in Japanese. But he’s speaking in English, and it would sound really weird to say something like “Are you sure you don’t want them to know about orange?” in English. Like, that implies he’s talking about the color. It just makes him sound like a retard.
    • Which he is.
  • Wait, Lelouch’s plan is to use his Geass on Jeremiah. Again: this scene is being monitored by hundreds of cameras, in particular one that is a few dozen feet away, and he thinks nobody at all will notice his little eye socket open up to reveal his purple eye, general features, and the big red sigil in his iris. Nor does he think this footage will get back to the Emperor or anyone else who knows about Geass.
    • Same for you, Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere. You didn’t even try to hide your face. God.
  • Jeremiah’s behavior completely changes, but no one questions him or follows through or has any fucking clue what’s going on.
    • These is no way Japan was beaten by this idiocy.
      • Wa-ter.
  • Lol, Lelouch has the physical capabilities of an obese rhino. How did he jump and run that fast?
  • No, Lelouch. You did not plan this out.
  • Ohgi’s Knightmare is shot to hell, which breaks the cables holding Lelouch and Co. from falling into the bottomless chasm they jumped into. Lelouch and Co stumble off and fall to their deaths.
    • Oh wait, no. They’re all alive somehow.
      • Including Ohgi, who just took ten bullets to the face.
        • And there’s continuity’s ghost again. He’s not a very happy ghost.
  • There is no way any of them just survived that. Jeremiah was obviously completely insane and just one person among dozens. Any other soldier would’ve ignored him or suspected him of collusion and gone after Lelouch and Co. With Ohgi’s Knightmare blasted to pieces, they had no other way to get out of there. The writers just did not want to bother completing the scene. They skipped over any real resolution and moved on.
    • Days of Our Lives has better writing than this show.
  • Actually, no, Oghi. You should all be freaking out at what just happened, since none of it MADE ANY GODDAMN SENSE.
  • Ohgi admits he couldn’t have done it. Then he talks about fighting a war with Britannia.
    • Yeah, Ohgi, you’re right. You’re a terrible leader.
  • MSGT refuses to fight against the Empire that just tried to execute him for a crime he didn’t commit. He then insists that Zero is evil for killing someone whom he witnessed order the wholesale massacre and destruction of an entire city because he couldn’t do be arsed to do his job. There is no ethical reason for MSGT to object to what Zero just did. He just saved his life without killing or harming anyone, innocent or otherwise.
    • The only reason MSGT is mad at Zero is the same reason Padme dies at the end of Episode III.
      • And the same reason the Star Wars Prequels happened.
        • Wa-ter.
  • Then, MSGT decides to go back to that Empire and actively fight for a bunch of racist murderers in the blind hope that he can “reform” it. Fuck you, Suzaku. You’re a terrible person.
  • “Because I think the ends are just as worthless if the means to them are wrong!” -Suzaku Kururugi
    • There was absolutely nothing wrong with Zero’s methods.
      • Apart from them not making any sense.
  • Lelouch rightfully points out that Suzaku’s entire philosophy is intellectually and ethically bankrupt.
    • MSGT has the gall to thank his rescuer for risking his life to save his own while simultaneously rendering that risk completely meaningless.
      • There is a very good reason everyone hates this asshole.
  • How does MSGT plan to walk back there in an hour?
  • Why is MSGT suddenly getting a fair trial? Because some weirdo claimed he killed Clovis? The system seems to think they have a gun with MSGT’s fingerprints on it. That’s awfully convenient.
  • Also, is this all supposed to have taken place in the space of an hour? How is Nunnally still awake?
  • C.C. gets her rape face on.
    • I hope you don’t suffer any more trauma from this, Nunnally.
      • Jesus Christ, what is wrong with this show?
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April 21, 2015

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Amused, Code Geass, Retrocaustic, TV/Anime

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Retrocaustic: Code Geass – Episode 2

Code Geass is stupid. But how stupid? Let’s find out together.

Don't think about it too much, or this happens.

Don’t think about it too much, or this happens.

Episode II – The White Knight Rises

  • As of August 10, 2010 of the Imperial Calender, “Britannia” still does not have an adjectival form.
    • Nor did Christianity ever happen.
  • Wait, Japan was defeated less than a one month? What? Japan is, like, the size of California, but spread over four islands and surrounded by water. It took the Nazi blitzkrieg three weeks to overrun Poland, and that was an unfair matchup over flat, open European plain. I don’t care how fancy your Knightmares are (which they aren’t); you can’t overcome geography. There are only a few spots where you can conduct an amphibious invasion of the country, all a huge fucking bitch to pull off. No. Fucking. Way.
  • See? The Japanese have a word for pride. 誇り is even used here. So why did Rivalz use “puraido” last episode? Does the Japanese language suck?
    • Yes, this is fucking important.
  • Blah blah, the Japanese are now Elevens for some reason. We get it. Don’t tell me we’re gonna get this exact same recap for the next six episodes or something.
    • Sigh, we are, aren’t we?
  • Oh God, it’s a Suzaku-themed episode.
  • EVERYONE IS DEAD.
    • Except C.C, tee hee.
  •  Enter Villetta, Tragedy Bait 2.0.
    • And whose hair is in violation of every military regulation ever.
      • What nationality is she, anyway? No one has golden pupils. No one, Japan.
  • Wait, those murderous idiots were part of the royal guard? Who puts sociopaths in the royal guard? Or sends them to track down POISON GAS? Hasn’t the Holy Britannia(n) Empire invented special forces yet?
  • Well, she just fired a giant rifle at an innocent student in the middle of a small, metal warehouse. Lelouch is now deaf.
    • Did those massive bullets not have any force when they brushed past him at a zillion miles per hour? Are the laws of physics a lie perpetuated by the Illuminati? How is he still standing up?
    • Not to mention shrapnel. In a parallel universe where physics behaves somewhat consistently, Lelouche has a giant piece of iron sticking through his sternum right now.
      • If I lived in that universe, I would not have to keep watching this.
  • Oh dear, Lelouch’s magical powers have limits. How inconvenient.
    • Luckily for him, Villetta is an idiot, as you shall soon see.
  • “Alan Spacer.” That’s the best you could do, huh, Lelouch? “Alan Spacer.”
    • Bbbbbth ha ha ha.
  • Yes, Villetta. Exit your machine of war, where you’re perfectly safe, right after you’ve just examined a horrific scene where a dozen royal guards have been obviously gunned down in cold blood and there’s a suspicious Britannian student who should not be alive or here in the first place. Yes. Nothing is suspicious about this situation whatsoever.
    • Oh look, that didn’t go very well.
      • This may have consequences, Villetta. Bet you feel stupid now.
  • Where did all the bodies go? Lelouche already used his Geass on her. He was just one guy. Did he use the Knightmare to cart the bodies away? Did he make Villetta do it?
    • No, he shut off his Geass right after his gave her the command. So where did the bodies go?
      • Hey. Did you guys forget about continuity?
        • You did, didn’t you? Fucktards.
  • Gee, MSGT is alive, even though he was shot in the spine with a gun at point-blank range with no obvious protection. How did that happen too?
    • I think I need to stop asking this question.
      • How can he move around? Why is able to get up like that? He was just shot two hours ago.
  • No, I don’t buy that a fucking pocket watch was able to block a bullet. I mean, look at that thing.
    • SILLY.WATCH
      • Did the bullet just evaporate after it went through the glass? Why isn’t it more damaged? What the fuck?
        • WHY DOES NOTHING IN THIS SHOW MAKE SENSE.
  • Elevens say gods live inside objects. Do they? I think that’s simplifying it a bit, you moron.
  • They think the POISON GAS was released? Are they, um, stupid? Do they not see and hear the massacre going on in the ghetto they are actually in right now?
    • They are very stupid.
      • Hey, MSGT, do you still think you can change the system from within?
  • Lloyd, what are you doing? Why are you handing this random person you met an hour ago the keys to your Empire’s superweapon? Shouldn’t you, like, examine him first? Get some physical and psychological data on him? Make sure he’s not crazy? That sort of thing?
    • I like how they obviously dodge the question and implication that MSGT clearly has no experience with one of these machines whatsoever. Why is Lloyd doing this? How does this make sense from his perspective?
  • Lloyd, I’m pretty sure you have oversight. You have to get this guy cleared for piloting a Knightmare. And he has to go through training, be commissioned, etc. Is this even a fucking military?
  • Wait, whom did those random tanks just kill? They didn’t look like Japanese people at all.
    • I’m right. Look at the frame.
  • Ah, Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere returns. Out of thin air. Like magic. From pixies.
    • Sure, I’d be willing to accept pixies at this point, given how retarded everything else is this series is.
  • Man, it’s a good thing the Holy Britannia(n) Empire hasn’t invented the concept of radio intercept yet, otherwise Ohgi and Kallen Stadtfeld’s backpack radio transmission might be compromised.
    • They spent all that money on building Knightmares. That’s my explanation. Or pixies.
  • Kallen, no. Playing decoy is a bad idea. You’re painted fucking orange. You’re a walking target. You’ll just get sniped by helicopters or a bazooka or something, and then you’ll die.
    • And what the fuck is Ohgi gonna do? He has his backpack radio and one random guy with a bazooka. How he is going to evacuate forty million people?
      • Does anybody think about what they’re saying before they open their mouths?
    • Also, you should be trying not to get caught period.
      • Not that they seem to be interested in taking prisoners anyway, you idiot.
  • Cut to Shirley in the girl’s locker room, right after you show people being slaughtered in a war zone. This show flows like the music of Bach.
    • Or diarrhea.
  • [5:37] That’s a Tomagatchi. Is this 1997? Is Nickelodeon still good? Is the Gameboy all the rage? Why is Shirley’s phone stupid?
  • Man, it’s a good thing gunshots and giant machines of death aren’t loud, otherwise Shirley might suspect something.
    • That is gunfire, Shirley. Can you not hear it? I’m pretty sure Knightmares aren’t soundproof.
      • Although I have nothing to base this on, really. These things are ridiculous, after all.
  • How. Does. Lelouche. Know. How. To. Pilot. This.
    • How?
      • HE HAS NEVER BEEN IN ONE BEFORE.
  • Surprise: the Britannimericans aren’t livecasting their massacre to the whole wide world. Next week: will Tyrion get a fair trial?
  • Yes, Lelouche. The tyrannical government is going to spin a cover story about the massacre. Yes, you have to spend five minutes figuring this out.
    • What a genius.
  • I also have to wonder how a military Knightmare has access to the civilian cellular network.
    • And Bluetooth.
  • What did you just say, Lelouche? “They can’t call in reinforcements?” Uh, yes, they can. They control the media. They control everything. They can bring in whatever-the-fuck they want.
    • What a genius.
      • I’m pretty sure it’d be hard for you to get out of the Shinjuku ghetto by yourself with or without them calling in reinforcements.
  • So Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere is spotted, as predicted.
    • And now the men are chasing Dat Ass.
  • Lelouche magically knows her radio code, even though there is literally no physical way he can know it.
    • If you know what I mean.
  • Man, it’s a good thing the Holy Britannia(n) Empire doesn’t have air superiority in its own backyard, otherwise running on an elevated, exposed railway might be a bad idea.
    • Jeremiah, why are you chasing her? Call in the helicopters and planes you have slaughtering people and shoot her in the face.
      • And that’s not a euphemism. I mean actually shoot her in the face with bullets and end this monstrous baby of a series before it grows and devours all life.
  • Oh look, a train is using the railway. One has to wonder why the train is running through an ACTIVE WAR ZONE.
    • No, no, Lelouche totally planned this, even though there is literally no way he could have.
  • Why didn’t Jeremiah just jump onto the train like Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere did? Is he gay? I can think of no other reason why he’s letting the train push him back. What is he doing?
  • Lelouche ambushed Jeremiah. How did he do that? How did they not detect the giant machine of war moving into that building?
    • Gee, the giant machine of death that costs ten billion dollars each was just rendered utterly helpless by rifle fire aimed at its leg propulsion units.
      • Lelouche is a genius.
    • How did Lelouche vanish? Has the Holy Britannia(n) Empire not developed radar? Knightmares do not have stealth. They are probably the unstealthiest things ever invented by humankind. How did she not notice Lelouche leaving?
      • Pixies.
  • Lelouche, you did not predict a train filled with Knightmares would be running through an ACTIVE WAR ZONE unescorted. You did not.
    • Also, it’s a good thing they’re standing around on this open, exposed, elevated railway in the middle of an ACTIVE WAR ZONE that is actively being destroyed.
      • The Holy Britannia(n) Empire deserves to burn.
  • So now they have Knightmares, the machines that were just easily defeated with basic tactics.
    • And, of course, each and everyone of these ragtag Japanese resistance fighters knows how to pilot them.
      • I’m just gonna go find the nearest airbase and hop into a plane. Let me see how far I get. I’ll be back.
        • It turns out they stopped me at the front gate and arrested me.
          • Hmm, well, they let me in for some reason, but it turns out I don’t know how to fly a plane because I haven’t trained on it ever, flown hundreds of hours, or been certified.
  • Also, why is that woman in the train car wearing a miniskirt in an ACTIVE WAR ZONE? And a pink shirt? Hey, how about you wear something remotely camouflaged or practical?
  • Ha ha ha, that was Sasuke’s voice. I caught you, Sasuke.
    • THAT’S IT. NINJAS. IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
      • Except nothing.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere rightfully wonders how the fuck any of this is actually happening.
    • Unlike me, however, she is wise and stops asking this question.
  • Meanwhile, the massacre has been conveniently paused and the Britannimericans, who outnumber these Japanese a zillion to one and have complete air and information superiority, are doing absolutely nothing.
  • Gee, I wonder what that building is. It couldn’t possibly be the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building. That’s never been seen in an anime before.
  • Lelouche, it seems like you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing, probably because you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing.
    • Wait, when did he have the time to get that chess piece? Does time not work the same in this parallel universe?
      • Pixies.
  • The Britannimericans are discussing the overwhelming superiority of their army that they are not using.
  • Clovis is on the scene for some reason. This man has no military experience and is clearly a fucking retard, but the military just goes along with it. That’s how militaries behave.
    • Man, it’s a good thing none of these random subordinates have ears, otherwise they might wonder who this “girl” is they’re very suspiciously talking about.
  • Let me get this straight: the Britannimericans stripped these Knightmares’ IFF transponders for some reason, loaded them onto an unescorted train, then sent that train through an ACTIVE WAR ZONE.
    • Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……………….
  • Dude, what the fuck did you just say? “The Britannians won’t use traps because they have absolute military superiority”? What?
    • Who let this retard into a giant machine of war? Go make him read Sun Tzu before you let him anywhere near a knife ever again.
      • Good God, these people are going to get themselves killed.
  • HOW DOES OHGI HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE PILOTING A KNIGHTMARE? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH–
  • Uh, if these signals are being intercepted (which they are), your plan is fucked anyway. Who cares if you tell them their name or not?
  • How does Lelouche know any of this information to this level of precision? Generals would be jealous over his Command and Control.
  • Clovis is a racist, because he called the Japanese “monkeys.” This is the opposite way to make people hate someone.
    • Unless you’re a sixteen-year-old anime fanboy that falls for this kind of shit. Then it works perfectly fine.
      • I feel so bad for these Japanese voice actors having to pronounce all these weird-ass English words. Their mouths must bleed after each recording session.
  • How did the Britannimericans not know they were there?
    • They did. They obviously did. There is no way they did not know.
      • I am going insane.
  • If Lelouche has complete knowledge of the battlefield in his random-ass Sutherland, why don’t the Britannimericans have it too with far more platforms at their disposal?
    • Pixies.
  • The Holy Britannia(n) Empire could not have conquered a tree house, let alone a developed country, with this level of incompetence.
  • Wait, what? That was, like, four Knightmares v. three of the exact same model in an open battlespace. How did the Britannimericans hit nothing and the Japanese hit everything?
    • Also, why aren’t their screens showing the enemy units as well?
      • Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
  • “The enemy has five options.” You don’t know that, Lelouche.
  • Don’t you have radar? You do. I know you do. Use it, for Christ’s sake.
  • Jeremiah, you have no inkling as to the tactical situation. You ejected. Go home and fuck Villetta.
  • I don’t know what’s happening. Nothing makes sense.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere randomly fired a lance or whatever into some random point in the asphalt, causing a massive earthquake that swallowed all the Britannimerican Knightmares. Sigh.
    • No, Lelouche, you did not know that would happen.
  • Uh, Lelouche, why do you think you can defeat a world empire after toying with rank idiots? Are you an idiot too?
    • Yes.
  • ARE WE ONLY HALFWAY DONE WITH THIS EPISODE JESUS GOD WHAT AM I DOING.
  • So, MSGT was allowed to pilot the Empire’s superweapon after “reading the manual.”
    • Pixies. Fucking pixies.
      • I need some pixie dust.
  • HE WAS JUST SHOT TWO HOURS AGO. HE IS NOT FIT FOR COMBAT.
    • That outfit is ridiculous.
  • “I don’t want you to do anything reckless.”
    • She says as she’s letting this random, unknown person pilot the Empire’s superweapon.
      • Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
        • Pixies.
  • Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, her name is Cecile. She’s a woman. That’s why it took two episodes to find out her name.
    • Wow, the Lancelot has no eject system? Well, no matter. It’s a Knightmare. It’s highly durable and can withstand all conditions easily.
      • Except the slightest amount of directed weapons fire.
  • Huh? There have been 7 generations of Knightmares? What?
    • What?
      • No, seriously. 7 generations?
        • Actual military engineers developed six previous generations of these retarded weapons?
          • Have they not drank themselves to death yet?
  • Energy Filler. That about describes this startup sequence: filler.
    • Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.
  • This startup sequence has twenty phases. Somehow this is a good idea.
    • My god, the Engrish. I hope these voice actors get dental.
      • Oh, now they move the first-aid trucks away from the untested Knightmare frame while it’s in the middle of its fireup sequence.
        • Good luck, all you other patients in those trucks.
  • Why does Lloyd say “full throttle”? Would half the Japanese viewers even know what that meant? Or even make heads or tails of it whatsoever?
    • It must suck to be a Japanese person over the age of thirty.
  • Suzaku has some pain from the bullet wound to the spine he received two hours ago. I’m sure it’s fine.
  • So, um, how did that random Japanese pilot survive a bitchslap to the face from the Lancelot? That seems, I dunno, impossible.
  • How is no one detecting this massive machine of death? How do these things ever have the element of surprise over anything?
  • Oh look, Lelouche is racist too.
    • Also, I think Sasuke just died. YAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
  • How do the Britannimericans have energy-repulsion technology? Why haven’t they ever used this revolutionary technology before? And they managed to fit it onto the arm of a Knightmare?
    • Bullshit.
  • How is Lelouche not tracking this thing from his Omniscient Knightmare?
  • Damn, that shield must use up a lot of energy.
    • It’s also hardly surprising a bunch of inexperienced guerrillas have no idea what they’re doing, Lelouche.
  • Uh, MSGT, do you not realize you are working for the Evil Empire? Are you that stupid?
  • LOL, Suzaku just broke that woman’s fall with the metal hand of a Knightmare. That woman is dead.
  • Why did Suzaku just stop? He was winning. Why stop?
  • Did that Japanese guy just suggest that unleashing POISON GAS onto the city would’ve been a good idea?
    • I dunno whom to root for. Everyone is a mass murderer just waiting to happen.
  • Why did Clovis do any of what Lelouche asked him to do? He didn’t use his Geass on him. Why?
  • Oh thank God, the episode is over. I have a date with a razor.
    • PIXIES.