Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 4

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In case you’ve forgotten: these are the only reason this show exists.

Episode 4 – Geopolitica Chaotica

  • Sunrise, plagiarizing its own work since 1971.
  • Augus is pumping it up, and his companion is ripped too.
    • This must be a gay’s paradise.
      • Mmmm.
  • “We’re working together again.” -Augus
    • Wait…are these guys…?
      • And his companion is embarrassed.
        • I SEE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE. BOW CHICKA BOW WOW.
          • Sucks to be you, Atra. Augus is quite taken already.
  • Augus says it’s routine while having a flashback about “Kudelia”.
    • Um, why?
      • Well, apart from the fact that everything about “Kudelia” is mundane, boring, routine, and unimaginative.
        • I guess that makes sense.
  • “CGS” is crossed out.
    • Apparently some poor orphaned child took the time and effort to paint over a two-story logo.
      • Don’t they have better things to do? Like, not working, since they are *children*?
        • And we still don’t know what the fuck “CGS” even means. Solid storytelling, Sunrise.
  • IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA. IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA.
    • “Young Mars Caucasians of Acidalia.”
      • See? It’s a reference to The Martian. I’m so clever.
  • “Don’t take too much time with this!” -Random asshole
    • Yeah, kids. Don’t take much time and effort in ensuring the giant machines of death you use are properly loaded and all safety procedures followed. Haste is all that matters.
      • Negligence is fun!
  • Il Duce is disgruntled by how he isn’t in control of a country and can’t send thousands of troops on incompetent foreign ventures to recapture lost glory.
    • Go read your fucking history, you idiots.
      • Il Duce, of course, is also craven and cravenly recounting what happened last episode.
  • “They’ve [Gjallarhorn] controlled this world for hundreds of years.” – Il Duce
    • PBBBBTH HA HA HA HA.
      • There is no way an organization as goddamn incompetent as Gjallarhorn has controlled a goddamn planet for goddamn centuries.
        • They make the Holy Britannia(n) Empire look like the Wehrmacht.
  • That’s right, Il Duce. Have a heart attack…
  • One wonders why they’re keeping this asshole around, seeing as how his only skill is being craven.
    • Oh yeah, he’s going to try to manipulate them. This’ll go so well.
      • Just be careful, Il Duce. You don’t want to end up being hanged by your own people.
        • That’s a pretty lame way to go.
  • RETARDED OPENING THEME TIME.
    • BEHOLD THE SAUSAGE FEST.
      • I’m going to love the bullshit that explains how they get into space.
  • Speaking of which…
  • WHY IS THERE AN ORBITAL MASS DRIVER OVER MARS?
    • DOES EARTH HAVE A GENOCIDE TWITCH THAT NEEDS TO BE SCRATCHED AT A MOMENT’S NOTICE?
      • HOLY CHRIST.
  • Of course the ship they’re waiting for is named “Hakobune.” That’s totally not Japanese.
  • According to this map, the distance between Earth and Mars is the same relative distance between low Mars orbit and geosynchronous Mars orbit.
    • You’ll also notice the icon of Earth is centered on Japan, perhaps for the convenience of a select group of viewers. Not saying who.
      • Which is courteous, to say the least. Those poor souls out in Kamchatka need some attention now and then.
  • “Usually, the path to Earth is under the control of Gjallarhorn.” -Biscuit
    • LOL.
      • Okay, stop.
        • First off, who the fuck is Gjallarhorn? Are they security forces from Earth? What organization or authority do they answer to? Who funds them? Or are they just this highly convenient space mafia that gets in the protagonists’ way?
        • Secondly, there is no way an organization as goddamn incompetent as Gjallarhorn has control over the goddamn space routes between Earth and Mars, which stretch for tens of millions of miles.
        • Thirdly, it is almost impossible to blockade a goddamn planet, particularly with just the two or three ships we’ve seen in their possession.
        • Fourthly, fuck this cosmopolitical setup into the ground.
  • “We need to take a back route which doesn’t cross existing paths.” -Biscuit
    • Oh yeah, Biscuit. Space is just like a walk in the woods. It’s not like your path is highly predictable, constrained, and governed by interplanetary physics.
  • “But it’s a complex route, and we’ve never traveled to Earth.” – Biscuit
    • I see nothing to worry about, “Kudelia”.
      • These people have no experience in space, none of the intense education or physical training required to be astronauts, nor any of the equipment needed to properly and safely make an interplanetary journey.
        • What’s more, they’re trying to do space hankey-pankey and plot a route to Earth that’s never been done before.
          • Sleep tight, sweet cheeks.
  • “And these back routes are divided into territories of civilian businesses.” -Or(l)ga
    • May I remind you that they are talking about SPACE. NOT GROUND. THERE IS NO “TERRITORY” IN FUCKING SPACE.
      • Also, who the fuck is translating this series? I’m asking for a friend.
  • These people are still listening to Il Duce, who has given them nothing but uselessly craven advice.
    • Watch Eugene agree with him.
      • Excuse me while I go spit out his milk, because Eugene just pointed out how they have no reason to trust Il Duce.
        • Especially considering how incredibly convenient it is that some fat asshole like him knows the CEO of a spacefaring corporation.
  • Or(l)ga is all fine with this. In his little brain, there’s no way they could be a trap.
    • Like what happened yesterday.
  • LOL.
    • “Hakobune” was actually “Hakofune” and apparently the Japanese education system is no longer teaching people how to Romanize shit.
      • Also, why the fuck does a Martian spaceport or whatever-the-fuck it is HAVE A JAPANESE NAME?
  • No, seriously. Their ship is supposedly named “Will-‘O’-the-Wisp”, but the port has a fucking JAPANESE NAME JUST SO THE JAPANESE VIEWERS CAN RELATE MORE TO IT.
    • FUCK. MY. LIFE.
  • “Kudelia,” you’re the daughter of Mars’ leader and the leader of the Martian Independence Movement (somehow). How come you’re unaware of the nature of this port and are asking about it like a dumb audience member?
    • Quality writing, Sunrise.
  • “But in order to use this ship, we have to officially make it Tekkadan’s.” -Biscuit
    • Here we go again.
      • 1) Hey, Biscuit. Ever heard of “smuggling”? No, you don’t. You’re still in control of CGS’ assets, correct? Just keep the ship under that name.
      • 2) Hey, translators. “Tekkadan” means “Iron Flower”. We went over this last week. We don’t need to keep saying it in Japanese.
  • Or(l)ga entrusts this critical part of their plan to some side characters with no experience in the matter whatsoever.
  • Meanwhile, “Kudelia’s” hair devours a seat cushion to keep itself alive.
  • Wait, so, they’re just going with Il Duce’s suggestion instead of seeking out alternative partners?
    • You know what this means: the writers were fucking lazy.
  • “This is where it gets real.” – Or(l)ga
    • Fighting for your lives against a vicious surprise attack that kills 110 people of your people is just a video game.
      • Negotiating space transport is the real deal.
  • Is no one noticing Il Duce smiling and cackling to himself right there in front of them all?
    • I mean, really?
      • How lazy can Sundown get at this point?
        • Shit, that is a question I should never ask again.
  • MEANWHILE, AT THE SPACE HALLS OF JUSTICE.
    • We’re an austere space ship, but we have teacups in storage just for fancy villainous antagonists with purple hair.
  • “Your subordinates looked like they were about to die.” -Purple Asshole
    • What a way to open a conversation, dipshit.
  • What is this retard even going on about?
    • “Having too excellent a senior officer means a lot of trouble.”
      • What the fuck?
        • 1) No indication has been given as to how this Blonde Asshole is an “excellent” officer. They are literally wasting company time sitting around in an office talking about this and drinking tea.
          • EFFICIENCY, BITCHES.
        • 2) That is not how leadership works.
  • Major Coral attempts some highly transparent feint at pity over a blatantly intentional mess he caused.
  • So, is the series ever going to bother to explain who these two assholes are or what their angle is?
    • Not for a while, huh?
      • I mean, I guess it’s obvious they’re supposed to be loyal, competent, upright soldiers who will defend Earth out of dedication and principles they believe in and……..
        • *snores* oh, shit, sorry. I fell asleep writing that character synopsis.
          • How could that be? It was so original and exhilarating.
  • Blonde Asshole points out a glaring hole in Gjallarhorn’s records about a unit being missing, something any military force worth its salt would be losing its shit over.
    • Major Coral’s explanation for this is inane and unconvincing.
  • One wonders how Major Coral has managed to keep his job for any length of time longer than two seconds.
    • My God, this guy’s cravenness makes Il Duce look like a Brave Fuhrer defending his Fatherland or something.
      • His name is “Coral Conrad.”
        • Somewhere, some Sunrise writer believes an imaginary mother named her imaginary son that.
          • Pbbbth.
  • CORAL CONRAD BEATS HIS HEAD ON A METAL BULKHEAD.
    • AND SUFFERS NO INJURIES.
      • This guy is fucking hilarious. They are trying so hard to portray him as evil as possible.
        • “Young fools! How dare they underestimate me!”
          • SO WELL-ROUNDED. HE FEELS LIKE A REAL HUMAN.
  • And Coral’s blaming Crank for his incompetent management of everything ever.
    • Well, to be fair, Crank was a selfish moron too, so meh. There go my fucks about this.
  • Meanwhile, at the Halls of Mars.
    • It’s a good thing Augus hasn’t suffered any side-effects from using the 200-year-old Hitler Just Dance.
  • Ah, Yukinojo. The blackest Japanese man known to man.
  • Yes, someone is finally realizing that they have no idea what they’re doing or if this 200-year-old Hitler Super NES is capable of spaceflight or if it’s even in good condition.
    • But it’s a Gundam, so I’m sure you’ve nothing to worry about until the plot demands it.
  • It’s a good thing we sent some random guy to negotiate the most important part of our entire plan.
  • Flashback to a scene to explain Akihiro’s motivation for doing anything.
    • Which takes two seconds to summarize: he has nowhere else to go.
      • If you’ll remember (and I do, Sunrise, as much as you would wish otherwise), that motivation was already covered in the first episode. This scene adds nothing to the series.
  • Yes, let’s trust the guy who looks like Fat Adolf Hitler. That’s a great idea.
    • At least have some backup in place, kids.
  • Augus, like me, is so fucking bored.
  • Is Or(l)ga really about to lecture them all about how important their first job as an independent organization is?
    • Gee, how novel.
  • Odd that such a poor organization can buy fresh Martian vegetables.
  • “UMAI!!!” -Random asshole.
    • Anime Trope #1096870908918050814360 1436 7041356708091356890.
      • Sigh.
        • That’s totally what Japanese people do in real life.
          • (It’s not.)
  • Also odd that “Kudelia” and Fumitan’s clothes are both still in pristine condition. Not even a smudge on them after days in a dirty, industrial environment.
    • WOMEN MUST ALWAYS LOOK PURE FOR THE MEN.
  • “I’m such a weak person.” -“Kudelia”
    • By Thor’s Hammer, woman. Just kill yourself and save us all the pain.
      • The pretentious self-deprecation is just excruciating. I’d rather grind my penis against sandpaper than listen to this shit.
        • Was this written by some Sunrise employee’s toddler and they just left it in there because they thought it sounded profound?
  • Orcus or whoever-the-fuck this is opts to call them with a “Voice Only” option instead of showing his face.
    • SUSPICIOUS SCENARIO IS VERY SUSPICIOUS.
      • GEE. LET ME CONSULT WITH ADMIRAL ACKBAR FOR A SECOND.
  • Wait, wait, how is he getting their video but they aren’t?
    • I don’t know. Fuck it.
  • And this genuflecting old pervert is supposed to be trustworthy too? Gosh, “Kudelia”, you can really pick ’em out of a crowd.
  • “I might rob them of all their smiles.” -“Kudelia”
    • A NORMAL PERSON WOULD TOTALLY SAY THAT.
      • When was the last time anyone you’ve known talked like that in any way, shape, or form?
        • This writing. This writing. Where’s that blasted sandpaper?
  • ARE THEY GOING ON A DATE? OMIGAWD SOMEONE CALL MARS PEOPLE.
  • Wait, wait, wait, wait. What the fuck?
    • Now the Specialist Dipshits are on Mars’ surface? And they’re wearing full suits in a desert landscape?
      • I don’t know. None of this makes sense, nor has it ever made sense.
  • Yeah, let’s do visual reconnaissance in white suits against a brown Martian landscape. No one could possibly spot us.
  • “The Noachis July Assembly.” -Sunrise
    • I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a studio more in love with the sound of its own voice than Sunrise.
      • LOOK AT HOW EXOTIC AND COMPELLING OUR WORLD-BUILDING IS.
        • LOOK AT HOW MANY STRANGE ENGLISH WORDS WE CAN SHIT OUT OF OUR ASSES.
  • BEHOLD, CHILDREN OF MEN: EXPOSITION IN ITS PUREST FORM.
    • WORDS FLASHED ON A SCREEN.
      • MY GOD. IT’S FULL OF STUPID.
  • The Earth is organized into four blocs:
    • The African Union.
    • The Oceanian Federation
    • SAU
    • Arbrau
      • Pbbbbbth.
        • “Arbrau”.
          • Ah ha ha ha ha ha.
            • You can’t make this shit up. Unless you’re Sunrise.
  • The Malta Conference divided Mars.
  • So wait, Gjallarhorn is some sort of supernational entity or independent organization in control of fucking Mars? What?
    • To the point that it was able to redraw national borders on another planet?
  • NOTHING. MAKES. SENSE.
  • So, wait, the Mars territories already have autonomy, but are basically under economic slavery.
    • I love how Sunrise is flashing this incredibly important backstory faster than the human eye can process it. Fantastic storytelling there.
      • And it’s all in English, which means the Japanese viewer is fucked.
  • OH BOY. HERE WE GO.
    • SAU = Strategic Alliance Union
      • Pbbbth.
        • HA HA HA.
          • NO ONE WOULD EVER NAME THEIR COUNTRY THAT.
      • And it consists of the US and Latin America…but not Canada.
        • Um, are they not aware the US and Canada have been close allies for centuries with very similar cultures and heavily intertwined economies? Why would they not join with the US?
    • The “African Union” controls all of continental Europe, Africa, and the Middle-East and reaches into Central Asia.
      • Bull. Fucking. Shit.
        • What, did the Muslims finally complete the conquest of Europe and Africa or something? What the fuck?
    • The Oceanian Federation consists of China, India, Southeast Asia, Australia (which has a giant fucking hole for some reason near where Sydney is), and Japan, the Center of the Universe.
      • …no, Sunrise. No.
    • “Arbrau” consists of Russia and Canada. That’s it.
      • Nope.
        • Nope.
          • Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooope.
  • It’s official: this show is abso-fucking-lutely retarded.
    • Geopolitics wants its dignity back.
      • Also, why was Greenland left out? I think that’s a bit unfair, you assholes.
  • Why do are they doing this on land? Don’t they have the facilities at Gjallarhorn to just reconnoiter this area from space? Or send their subordinates to do it. Or something.
    • Delegate, you idiots.
  • Um, question: if this is the battlefield where they fought a few days ago, then why isn’t the Iron Flower base in plain view?
    • Because it was right there. Everyone was watching it happen from the comfort of the base.
      • Did it just sprout legs and walk off?
        • Or did Sunrise just shoot continuity in the head execution-style and throw it in a dumpster?
          • I HAVE NO IDEA WHICH EXPLANATION IS MORE LIKELY. HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
  • “The Regulatory Bureau.” -Sunrise
    • POISON. I NEED POISON.
  • Oh, there’s the base.
    • Good thing nobody can see them in their white suits and purple/blonde hair against a uniform background of brown.
      • Or notice their descent from space, which Sunrise just hoped you wouldn’t think about.
        • Silly, Sunrise.
  • They’re still painting over this shit. Wasn’t that covered ten minutes ago?
  • “Excuse me, where are we?” -“Kudelia”
    • Good fucking question.
      • How did they go from a barren desert to a lush cornfield? Where is this in relation to the base? What the fuck?
  • Biscuit’s grandmother is named “Sakura-chan.”
    • Right.
      • So why is Biscuit named Biscuit?
        • Fuck it.
  • Um, doesn’t Atra work at a store in town? Why is she here in this random cornfield?
    • Is this scene just an excuse to build tension between the two female leads as they fight in their hearts over their masculine object of desire?
      • Don’t answer that question.
  • Oh, it’s a good luck charm. Atra made it for him.
    • Too bad, Atra. He doesn’t really give a shit.
      • Think of it more as a representation of your bitterly unrequited and insane love for this fuckwit.
  • Now these two Specialist assholes are talking about their family or something, not that we care.
  • WHAT. ON. MARS.
    • THE BLONDE SPECIALIST HAS A 9-YEAR-OLD FIANCEE?
      • THE FUCK. THE FUCK. THE FUCK. THE FUCK.
        • WAT.
          • WHAT IN GOD’S NAME.
            • AND THEIR PARENTS DECIDED ON THIS?
              • AND HE’S OKAY WITH IT, BECAUSE SHE’S HIS FRIEND’S SISTER?
                • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • “Kudelia” is predictably fascinated by the grueling, backbreaking labor of harvesting corn by hand.
    • Which they should not have to do if they have the equipment to mow the stalks down flat. We have the technology to mechanize that process today. It’s basically ubiquitous in the First and Second World. Why is it not on Mars 500-ish years into the future?
      • Have any of these writers ever read a book about anything ever?
        • I haven’t yet seen any moment in this series where they show a modicum of knowledge on any subject.
          • They fucked up geopolitics.
          • They fucked up space travel.
          • It’s a Gundam series, so they fucked up combat and physics.
          • They fucked up logistics.
          • They fucked up human behavior.
          • They fucked up basic storytelling, character motivation and development, and imaginative themes.
          • They fucked up philosophy.
          • And now they’re fucking up agriculture.
    • Manual harvesting is soul-crushing work, but of course “Kudelia” finds it refreshing, because she’s a sheltered rich girl.
  • LOL, “Kudelia” is so weak she can’t break a corn off the cornstalk, but then Augus catches her when she falls, creating a predictable, awkward situation.
    • Hey, Augus: pull her up before her arm rips out of her socket.
  • CONVENIENT WIND ALLOWS FOR A POIGNANT SCENE.
  • The currency for this planet is the “galar”, but of course it scales identically to the yen for the convenience for the Japanese viewer.
    • Also, there is no way any farmer would be growing corn if they could only get $0.50 for 10 kilograms. That’s not economically viable.
      • 10 kg = 0.4 bushels
      • So the price of corn is $1.25 per bushel. The current price for corn on the US market is $4.3775. For a metric ton, that’s $172.34; this Mars price is $49.
        • $49 for a metric ton. Going back 30 years, the price of corn has never gone that low on the US market.
          • Conclusion: Sakura-chan and her misshapen lineage should be so fucking destitute that “Biscuit” should be named “Kernel”.
  • Sunrise fucked up economics too. Achievement unlocked.
    • Also 2.0, there is no way there is still a market for corn-based biofuel in a civilization capable of terraforming and colonizing other planets.
  • I don’t understand. Mars is the lifeblood of Earth’s economy (somehow), right?
    • So how is Mars so bloody destitute?
      • Don’t say “colonization.” That doesn’t make any fucking sense.
        • It would take far more resources to terraform Mars and turn it into a viable biosphere than it would to just invest in Earth. The equation just isn’t profitable, period.
          • Colonization happens when developing, powerful economies from the outside encounter weakly-held lands or territories filled with unexploited natural resources and a poor population. It’s easy money.
            • You know what’s cheaper than terraforming planets? Asteroids. There’s a zillion times more money in harvesting shit off asteroids than desiccated wastelands like Mars. Maybe that should’ve been your premise, Sunrise. Have a child-labor force being used to drill asteroids. You know, makes sense.
          • Mars is a useless piece of rock. How is Earth in such a condition that it was able to terraform Mars into fertility, divide its territory up piecemeal and control it for hundreds of years uncontested, but *also* depend entirely on Mars to keep its economic engine going?
            • There is no economic scenario in which any of this makes any sense.
  • “Human Debris.”
    • Also known as “slavery.”
      • But we can’t say “slavery” because reasons.
        • Those reasons being “Human Debris” sounds cool to a Japanese ear.
  • “KUDELIA” IS SHOCKED THAT SOMEONE THANKED HER.
    • Why?
  • Atra is being jealous. No one cares.
    • The Eldritch Twins return to wreak havoc.
      • So, Atra, what do you see in Augus?
        • Like, what is it that attracts you to him besides his shapely body?
          • I can’t see anything in his personality that would attract anyone.
  • The Eldritch Twins are so fucking dumb they can’t look both ways when crossing the road.
    • AUGUS GETS HIS MURDER FACE ON.
      • Also jumps to conclusions and doesn’t investigate the situation at all.
        • Jesus Goddamn Christ, how are we supposed to like this character?
          • He just switches to psychopath mode on the turn of a dime. He’s nothing more than a public menace and a danger to everyone around him.
            • GEE, AUGUS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD’VE ASKED WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE YOU NEARLY BROKE THAT MAN’S WINDPIPE.
  • “ALAYA-VIJNANA SYSTEM.”
    • 100 TRILLION YEN, WHORES.
      • I was wondering if they could go one episode without saying it. GUESS NOT.
  • Augus is also so stupid that he can’t recognize Gjallarhorn’s insignia even though they’re his chief enemy that he knows he’ll encounter in the future.
    • Also, the Specialists are so stupid they put a Gjallarhorn insignia on their car while doing a covert investigation.
      • I’ll save time next time: everyone is so, so stupid.
  • “My name is McGillis Fareed.” -McGillis Fareed
    • Someone got picked on in high school.
  • “Kudelia”, try cutting your hair in the future so that you don’t stick out like a sore thumb.
  • MEANWHILE, AT SPACE DOCK.
    • “Will-O’-The-Wisp” is now the “ISARIBI.”
      • …that means nothing to me.
        • OBSCURE JAPANESE MYTHOLOGY REFERENCE.
  • The Iron Flower insignia is revealed.
    • Apparently we’re supposed to care about this, even though it’s in the opening sequence.
  • Il Duce is cravenly doing evil things with evil people.
    • Fear not. The Jews can smell his blood and they know no fear.
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Retrocaustic: Code Geass – Episode 4

Code Geass is stupid. But how stupid? Let’s find out together.

Said your mother when you were conceived.

Said your mother when you were conceived.

Episode IV – The Usual Idiots

  • Oh yay, a slightly different recap. Praise Hojo.
    • This “mysterious” girl will definitely not come back into the story.
  • It may or may not surprise you that “Geass,” referring to the Irish folklore taboo, is actually spelled “geis” or “geas” and pronounced like “gehsh.” I’m going to take a wild gehsh and assume the Japanese writers looked it up on Moogle, read it once phonetically in Engrish, and then ran with it instead of taking all of twenty seconds to confirm its pronunciation, like I did.
    • Anyone want to fight me on this assertion? Anyone? The starting wager is set at one trillion dollars.
  • Lelouch’s grand plan is to use an unreliable magical power that can be used exactly once on a person to destroy an entire world empire inhabited and run by billions of people. Call me skeptical, but I don’t think it’s gonna work.
    • Besides, it’s totally warranted to want to cause untold death, upheaval, destruction, and chaos by destroying an empire just so you can avenge your mother and make a world where your sister can be happy, even though she already is happy and Lelouch knows that only three-ish people were responsible for his mother’s death.
      • What an admirable, admirable protagonist.
    • Why is Nunnally not in counseling? What twelve-year-old girl would be well-adjusted after being held by the bullet-ridden, blood-soaked corpse of her mother?
  • The Emperor is not fat. He’s big-boned.
    • What a surprise the Emperor is not the end of the plot. Lelouch has not considered the possibility that there might be other magical girls out there giving other people magical powers.
      • Genius.
  • Oh Suzaaaaaaaaaaku, my darling. Look at how well the Britannimericans are treating you.
    • Why is Jeremiah even bothering with this fake interrogation? He knows MSGT had nothing to do with his death.  I can’t imagine he gives two shits about due process or anything.
      • Uh, hey, Jeremiah, I have some issue with your plan that I just thought of. They’re nothing big, but just hear me out:
        • Lloyd, a Britannimerican noble who undoubtedly outranks your retarded ass, can put MSGT in his lab at precisely the time you say he killed Prince Clovis with multiple witnesses to back him up. There is no way anyone besides you believes in this sham accusation, so there is no way this can advance your position politically.
        • Executing an obvious scapegoat–particularly the son of the last free leader of Japan–for blatantly racist motivations will not endear the Japanese populace to you and might cause further unrest, which again, would only draw attention to yourself and your systematic incompetence.
        • Why are you even in charge of this investigation? Doesn’t the Holy Britannia(n) Empire have agencies to investigate this sort of thing? What exactly is your position or authority? Wouldn’t the other members of the royal family be just a little bit interested in overseeing the investigation of the death of one of their siblings?
          • As far as I know, Jeremiah Gottwald is just a random Knightmare pilot. How is any of this happening?
        • Oh yeah, Jeremiah. I’m sure MSGT will admit the crime he did not commit just so he could be subjected to a mock trial as an honorary Britannimerican under your trustworthy purview. Your psychological insight knows no bounds.
    • This is just another shitty scene to show how one-dimensional and cruel these Britannimericans are, although I will admit it is a tad entertaining to watch MSGT get the shit beaten out of him for the third time in as many days.
  • Why does Nunnally call Suzaku “Suzaku-san”? Why? Weren’t they friends? Can these Japanese writers not write realistic dialog in their own language?
  • Asshole Japanese guy, whom I shall call Purple Blazer henceforth, yells at Ohgi for not claiming the Japanese resistance assassinated the Third Prince of Britannia. Purple Blazer does not realize how badly that would go for them.
  • What’s with this random shitty graffiti? Who let a four-year-old scrawl a skull and then a happy sun on the same metal door? Oh, I get it. This hideout is rundown. That totally needed to be anviled in there.
    • HOLY SHIT. How lazy are these animators?
      • Look at that shit.
      • SILLY.WA-TER
      • Wa-ter.
        • Did they want to claim credit for their shitty-ass font formatting?
          • “Water” wraps around the whole water bottle. What…I don’t…
            • Did they buy these from Japanese Wal-Mart?
      • These fucking chauvinists.
        • Wa-ter.
  • Of course there’s a Japanese flag, but I have a question: why is it exactly the same flag we use in the real world? That rendition has a very particular history behind it.
    • Namely, it is not this flag:
      • SILLY.IMPERIAL-FLAG
      • Which flew over large swaths of the entire Pacific Rim for three-ish decades and is about twenty million times more offensive to Asians than the Confederate Flag is to Americans.
      • The flag was changed after Japan was defeated in World War II by the Allies. So, what, are they implying the Japanese people are cosmically destined to build a racist, imperialist, genocidal empire and then be defeated by a morally superior Western power?
        • ‘Cause that’s the shittiest destiny I’ve ever heard of.
  • Who is Naoto and why the fuck don’t I care?
    • He’s also definitely not Japanese.
  • Why did he just say “riida?” Does the Japanese language not have a word for “leader”?
    • Google gives me twenty-five other possible candidates. Are you telling me that none of them would have sufficed here and the Japanese had to borrow “riida” from English just to convey that basic, neutral concept?
      • Ugh. I hate my life.
  • Who is this random geezer and why the fuck don’t I care?
  • Just in case you did not know: Britannia owns this land.
  • These kids must be so bored. I bet none of them cared about the Third Prince. Half of them probably thought he was a real asshole.
  • Why did they show those birds fly by? Was to that make the scene interesting? If so, then scrap the scene and come up with something else.
  • Lloyd, a Britannimerican noble, is wringing his hands over losing MSGT even though he has all the evidence in the world needed to prove his innocence.
    • Also, MSGT did not earn 94% piloting efficiency (whatever the fuck that means) after one session while having never piloted a Knightmare in his life.
      • Nor does Lloyd have any basis to believe that no other young Britannimerican pilot in the entire Empire with years of experience and proper training could match this random almost-dead Japanese guy he picked up off the street.
        • Nothing. Makes. Sense.
  • WHY DOES THE ENGLISH IN THIS SHOW SUCK SO BAD? DID THEY REALLY THINK THEY COULD GET AWAY WITH “MEASURE RESULT”?
  • Yes, Cecile. He should tell them to release Suzaku. That would make sense. But you are a woman, so you have no say.
  • What the…? Lloyd says: “Since Bartley’s disgrace, the Purelbloods have been in control of the military.”
    • Huh?
      • Have these people never heard of this alien concept called the “chain of command? 
        • How are the Purebloods now in control? Is there no other general in all of Area 11 that could have assumed command?
          • Or a colonel? Or a major?
            • How the fuck did control of the entire military in Japan suddenly shift to Jeremiah Gottwald? That is not fucking possible.
              • Wa-ter.
  • The mighty Purebloods are racists whose mentality is utterly detrimental to the ability of the Britannimerican military to maintain its ranks or hold conquered territories.
  • Also, why are Shirley and Lelouch randomly talking about this at the exact same time? How could this possibly have come up in casual conversation?
    • “Hey, Lelouch. Wanna bone?”
    • “No, Shirley. Let me just tell you about these ‘purebloods’ you never asked me about.”
    • “Uh, okay, but can we bone after? There’s a locker room right over there.”
    • “No. Sex is gross.”
    • “Oh well, too bad there aren’t a thousand other young, healthy, virile boys surrounding me. I’ll just ask Jim when we’re done.”
    • “Yes, Jim is fortunate enough to have a penis.”
    • “Totes. So, ‘purebloods?'”
  • Two hours ago, Jeremiah Gottwald snidely remarked about how a cursory investigation wouldn’t find the real killer. Two hours later, Jeremiah Gottwald pencil-whipped an obviously cursory investigation because beavers.
    • I get it. Jeremiah Gottwald is an asshole. I got it the moment I saw him.
      • Also, apparently he’s a margrave, also known as a marquis. That explains nothing.
  • Lloyd: “I doubt there’s anyway he’ll be found innocent.”
    • Alas for all the evidence we have at our fingertips that prove his innocence beyond a shadow of a doubt.
  • Rivalz is talking. This should be illegal. Someone call the police.
  • Lelouch randomly decides to give up gambling, not that anybody cared enough to stop him in the first place.
  • Of course we see a razed Tokyo Tower. Why not?
    • Why the fuck not.
      • It’s not like we knew this was Japan. I thought it was fucking Chile.
  • Obvious propaganda is obvious.
  • Why did Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere go to this den of propaganda?
    • Oh, right, the magical bathroom phone told her to.
      • I forgot.
        • Unfortunately, now I have remembered.
          • Wa-ter.
  • Behold: “Japanese” terrorists. One has blue hair, one has brown hair, and one has an afro.
    • How were they even let in here?
  • Let’s watch what impossible scheme Lelouch is spinning here. Count how many seconds it takes before you suffer an aneurysm.
    • I’m so glad this place does not have any security cameras and that nobody in the building knew what Lelouch vi Britannia looked like.
      • That was three seconds, by the way.
  • “His Highness’ memorial program was handled very well.” – Jeremiah Gottwald
    • Except for the part where I violently stormed his funeral procession in broad fucking daylight.
      • Which apparently had zero political consequences for Jeremiah Gottwald.
        • That was two seconds.
  • Diethard has the same voice as Kotomine Kirei. No wonder I like him.
    • Henceforth, Diethard shall be known as Kotomine Kirei.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald is such an asshole that he openly suspects and derides Kotomine Kirei for doing his job competently.
    • This summer in bookstores: How to Lose Friends and Influence Nobody, by Jeremiah Gottwald, with a special forward by Lelouch vi Britannia.
  • No, Jeremiah Gottwald, you weren’t important enough to have a memorial video prepared for you beforehand, just like you aren’t now.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald tries to shove Kotomine Kirei into military intelligence. And fails.
  • What is Jeremiah Gottwald’s plan? Does he honestly think executing the son of the last free Japanese leader will ingratiate himself with the populace or advance his standing somehow?
    • It won’t. There is no way it could.
  • Villetta rightly points out that Jeremiah Gottwald’s plan is fucking stupid and will almost certainly backfire.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald says he’ll personally provide security in his own Sutherland, because that went so well last time.
    • Villetta, you might want to quintuple the security force just in case your boss trips his Knightmare over a fucking pebble and breaks it.
      • Yes, Jeremiah Gottwald, a clearly unstable individual, plans to surround himself with a throng of loyal Britannimerican onlookers, then slaughter any “troublemakers” delicately with a giant machine gun.
        • There is no way such a plan could possibly go awry.
  • This elevated train line goes through the ghetto. Why? Is it going to another ritzy Britannimerican part of town? Why would they restore the city in a patchwork pattern, forcing them to build such infrastructure to service them?
    • Also, if Japan was defeated in less than a month, how was the entire Kantou plain devastated so thoroughly? Did the Holy Britannia(n) Empire just carpet-bomb the fuck out of everything?
      • Wait, this train marks the border of the Britannian district? Isn’t that, um, kinda dangerous?  Why isn’t this train bombed weekly?
        • Why do the train stops have Japanese names? The Holy Britannia(n) Empire went to such lengths as to rename the entire country. Why is this next stop named “Okubo?”
          • And the line is called the “Chou Soubu” Line. Fuck authenticity.
    • This train is painted red and purple, just in case you were wondering if it belonged to Britannia.
  • That’s a Pizza Hut ad.
    • Pizza Hut is an American restaurant chain. This is an alternate universe with profoundly different geopolitics. Do they think a pizza franchise in this weirdly alternate universe would come up with that exact same logo and advertising aesthetic?
      • The Japanese love money.
        • Wa-ter.
  • How did Lelouch clear out this car?
    • No, he did not use his Geass to do it. That wouldn’t stop any passengers not already in the car from coming back in where there was room.
      • This is not a clandestine meeting place, Lelouch. Dozens of people can see you.
        • FEAR THE MASKED FIGURE STANDING UNDERNEATH A PIZZA HUT SIGN.
          • HERE IS THE PEPPERONI THOU HATH REQUESTED.
            • THAT WILL BE TEN DOLLARS.
              • CASH ONLY. UNMARKED BILLS.
  • The excuse is that Lelouch used his Geass to do it. Something like the following will happen in approximately five seconds:
    • “Hey, Bob. Let’s go to the next car. It’s way less crowded.”
    • “Okay, Steve.”
    • “Wait, why is everyone staring into space like zombies with red halos in their eyes? Should we call someone?”
    • “Yeah, call an ambulance or something. I’m gonna go check the next car.”
    • “Good idea.”
      • But it doesn’t.
  • Lelouch does not look sketchy at all. Everyone seems to take him really seriously despite how comical this whole situation is.
  • Oh ho, the hue changed. How not creative.
  • Is he speaking through a microphone? His voice just changed.
  • Why did the Japanese guy just say “tour”?
  • This scene is trying to be so dramatic, but with the fucking Pizza Hut signs in every shot, I can’t help but see it as an argument with the pizza delivery guy on Halloween.
    • “WHERE THE FUCK IS OUR PIZZA, MAN? AND WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?”
    • “IT REMAINETH WARM AND FRESH INSIDE MY HIDDEN KNAPSACK, BUT FIRST YE MUST PAY ME OBEISANCE.”
    • “WE DIDN’T BRING ANY CANDY, MAN. JUST COCAINE.”
    • “THEN THY TONGUES SHALL NEVER KNOW THE TASTE OF HEAVEN.”
  • “Terrorism will not defeat Britannia.” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Who is trying to destroy Britannia via terrorism.
      • Lelouch might want to listen to his own advice.
  • “Terrorism is merely a childish nuisance.” – Lelouch vi Britannia
    • I’ve got it. All we have to do to defeat ISIS is send Lelouch to talk to them. They’ll give up.
  • “Don’t mistake your enemy. It isn’t the Britannian people, but Britannia itself!” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Which is made up of the Britannian people.
      • How are you going to damage one without harming the other?
  • “What you need to fight is a war!” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Oh, a war. That’s a much better idea than terrorism. All our problems are solved!
      • Also, didn’t you fight a war already? And, um, lose? Really badly? (Somehow.)
        • “Without involving the civilians!”
          • Every military leader in history is laughing.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere rightly points out that everything Lelouch said is completely retarded.
  • These people actually think that Lelouch is going to take off his mask. Lol.
    • Also, how has Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere not recognized Lelouch’s voice by now?
  • It’s another Japanese flag. There’s a slight possibility that Japanese people might be talking.
    • There’s tatami. An Asian man is sitting on his knees as if meditating. He has a sheathed katana in front of him. I conclude there is a very slight possibility that this involves Japanese people.
      • Oh look, Japanese people. I, for one, am shocked.
        • Why are they all wearing hats inside? Do they not know that every soldier in the world takes his hat off when inside?
  • That old guy’s eyebrows are monstrous.
    • They must be at least an inch wide.
      • And those whiskers, damn. This guy knows how to groom himself.
  • That other old asshole’s hair is wild too. It’s like he has wings on the back of his head.
    • Jesus Christ, is this even a military?
  • Lloyd says “Congratulations!” to a guy who is about to be executed, a guy whose innocence he could prove in five seconds. And both of them know this.
    • Lloyd is a fucking prick.
  • “You might be getting a trial, but nobody’s on your side.” -Lloyd Asplund
    • Not like you could do anything, Lloyd.
      • Also, you have the most unfortunate surname ever coined.
  • Hey, Suzaku: you still think you can change the system from within?
    • How is MSGT not a jaded sociopath at this point? The world keeps stepping on his dick at every turn.
  • BREAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK.
  • Who designed this city? Who designs a city in such a retarded manner as to require a cable-span bridge to cross a bottomless chasm in the middle of the metropolis? Why is it there?
  • Wait, have they not finished MSGT’s trial yet? Man, this is one efficient-ass autocracy.
  • The Ashford Academy Student Council has a giant HD screen TV in its meeting room.
    • They need it.
      • For very good reasons.
  • Kotomine Kirei is in charge of this spectacle. All will be perfectly fine.
  • How much did they pay these idiots to come here? Like, five bucks each? Geez.
  • Man, guys, I don’t think MSGT is gonna be able to go anywhere. You kinda went a little overboard with the guards and the fucking straight jacket.
  • Who the fuck was that random girl and why the fuck don’t I care?
    • Oh wait, that was a sound of one of those bamboo tubes they have in Japanese gardens. I think she might have been Japanese.
      • Subtle, Code Geass. Really subtle.
  • The following conversation is actually taking place:
    • “But we know that Suzaku’s innocent.”
    • “The court deemed our testimony inadmissable. It can’t be helped.”
      • Why is it inadmissable? It’s military records obtained during combat. It cannot, by law, be inadmissable.
        • Not that the trial has even taken place yet, you fuckers. This is such a lazy plug for a gaping plot hole.
          • I hate these writers with all my heart and soul.
  • Is nobody the least bit annoyed by how obvious this propaganda is?
  • Why is Jeremiah Gottwald directing the trial? Is this parade supposed to be the trial? What authority does he have as a military judge? Have these writers never researched a military justice system before?
  • Oh my God. We get it. Lelouch is coming to save the day. We don’t need to see him putting on his outfit, you lazy punks.
    • And where is he even doing this? And why now?
  • “There’s no way just the three of them can do this!” – Purple Blazer
    • Very good point, asshole. Too bad there is no loving God.
  • They renamed this street “Third Street,” but couldn’t rename a fucking train stop. The Holy Britannia(n) Empire has priorities.
  • Uh, hey, Jeremiah Gottwald. I have a few questions again. Nothing major:
    • How did you guys lose Prince Clovis’ car? How did you let it get stolen? Why wasn’t it reported stolen?
    • Why are you, the Marquis of the entire region personally overseeing security for this charade, letting the car through even though your subordinate just told you it’s a massive security risk?
      • It’s almost as if this was all planned out ahead of time.
        • No, not by Lelouch. I mean by some asshole writers who couldn’t make it anywhere else but Sunrise Entertainment.
    • Why is any of this happening? Why is Jeremiah letting this happen? What the fuck is his reasoning behind it?
      • Wa-ter.
  • Everyone somehow doesn’t see the car approaching the procession down the completely empty 10-lane highway. Is everyone in the Holy Britannia(n) Empire blind?
    • If so, then I’ve got some bad news for you, Lelouch.
  • Hey, idiots. I don’t care how Lelouch got Clovis’ car. Anyone in their right mind would command his forces to intercept it and prevent it from reaching the procession. This scene doesn’t make an ounce of sense.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere seriously asks herself if the Britannimericans will be fooled by the scrap heap she’s driving. Do they not realize that every square millimeter of this road is being watched by high-definition video cameras that hundreds of millions of people across the world are tuning into?
  • Why does Lelouch say “clear”? Does the Japanese language not have a word for the verb “to clear”? One that would probably sound way cooler?
  • How did this car get through any security checkpoint? How?
  • Ummmmmmmmmm, what just happened? Did Lelouch just set that curtain on fire?
    • How did it burn away cleanly in, like, three seconds? That is not how fire operates in this universe
      • So Pizza Hut exists and has the exact same logo, but fire burns things instantly. Right.
  • So, um, is Lelouch speaking English or Japanese in this scene?
  • Somewhere out in North America, the Emperor is giggling, as is half of his family, because they all recognize Lelouch’s voice.
    • Also, how is Lelouch projecting his voice that loud? Does he have a mic? Where is it? Where are the speakers for it? In the car? I sure as fuck don’t see any.
  • “Zero? As in nothing?” -Diethard
    • No, idiot. As in the number, not the abstract concept. What normal person would think that?
      • These writers are so fucking pretentious.
  • JAPANESE PEOPLE ARE STANDING IN THEIR JAPANESE DOJO WITH THEIR JAPANESE FLAG AND JAPANESE KATANAS LOOKING VERY JAPANESE.
  • MSGT does not recognize the voice of his best friend.
  • Hey, here’s an idea: how about you shoot him, Jeremiah? Like, with a gun. Or do you not know how to use one?
    • Because that would explain your fuckup the last time.
      • Wa-ter.
  • Oh. It’s, uh, C.C’s containment pod.
    • Hmm. Okay. Slight problem:
      • How did Lelouch get that? At no point did he retrieve it. In fact, he high-tailed it out of there once Villetta gave him her Knightmare. Plus, the military recovered MSGT in the same place. Did they just leave the pod there?
        • I think continuity’s maimed ghost just floated past me, wailing.
  • Lelouch, how does terrorizing the innocent civilian populace with the threat of POISON GAS advance your cause?
    • Not to mention no one has any idea what the thing is anyway. So who the fuck cares?
  • Yes, let’s keep standing around watching the TERRORIST and hope he explains what this suspicious looking device does.
    • This announcer is high as a kite.
  • OH WOW, JEREMIAH GOTTWALD. YOUR PLAN BACKFIRED. WHAT AN UNEXPECTED TURN OF EVENTS.
    • Also, since when do you care about other people’s lives?
  • That gun also has a purposeless light on it. Some marketer has to be making millions off that shit.
  • Why did Kotomine Kirei call that asshole an “amateur”? Does the Japanese language…no, I can see them needing to borrow that one. That’s fine.
    • A better question would be why Kotomine Kirei had that random video camera nearby in the first place.
  • Why doesn’t the Holy Britannia(n) Empire use these things called “snipers” and carefully “snipe” the terrorist in the head without damaging the capsule?
    • There is no way Japan was beaten by this lunacy.
  • Lelouch must’ve starched the beeswax out of that collar.
  • Somewhere out in North America, the royal family is assembling to descend upon Japan and arrest Lelouch for killing on of their own.
    • But first, they must order pizza.
  • Let’s all trust this masked man who claims he killed Prince Clovis. He is very credible.
  • Doesn’t anybody in the military know this capsule is harmless?
  • “He’s playing this whole thing like it’s a show!” -Diethard
    • Just like we are, but it’s different! Somehow!
  • Shoot him, Jeremiah. It’s what you should have done five minutes ago.
  • Lelouch says “Orange,” but he’s speaking in Japanese. But he’s speaking in English, and it would sound really weird to say something like “Are you sure you don’t want them to know about orange?” in English. Like, that implies he’s talking about the color. It just makes him sound like a retard.
    • Which he is.
  • Wait, Lelouch’s plan is to use his Geass on Jeremiah. Again: this scene is being monitored by hundreds of cameras, in particular one that is a few dozen feet away, and he thinks nobody at all will notice his little eye socket open up to reveal his purple eye, general features, and the big red sigil in his iris. Nor does he think this footage will get back to the Emperor or anyone else who knows about Geass.
    • Same for you, Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere. You didn’t even try to hide your face. God.
  • Jeremiah’s behavior completely changes, but no one questions him or follows through or has any fucking clue what’s going on.
    • These is no way Japan was beaten by this idiocy.
      • Wa-ter.
  • Lol, Lelouch has the physical capabilities of an obese rhino. How did he jump and run that fast?
  • No, Lelouch. You did not plan this out.
  • Ohgi’s Knightmare is shot to hell, which breaks the cables holding Lelouch and Co. from falling into the bottomless chasm they jumped into. Lelouch and Co stumble off and fall to their deaths.
    • Oh wait, no. They’re all alive somehow.
      • Including Ohgi, who just took ten bullets to the face.
        • And there’s continuity’s ghost again. He’s not a very happy ghost.
  • There is no way any of them just survived that. Jeremiah was obviously completely insane and just one person among dozens. Any other soldier would’ve ignored him or suspected him of collusion and gone after Lelouch and Co. With Ohgi’s Knightmare blasted to pieces, they had no other way to get out of there. The writers just did not want to bother completing the scene. They skipped over any real resolution and moved on.
    • Days of Our Lives has better writing than this show.
  • Actually, no, Oghi. You should all be freaking out at what just happened, since none of it MADE ANY GODDAMN SENSE.
  • Ohgi admits he couldn’t have done it. Then he talks about fighting a war with Britannia.
    • Yeah, Ohgi, you’re right. You’re a terrible leader.
  • MSGT refuses to fight against the Empire that just tried to execute him for a crime he didn’t commit. He then insists that Zero is evil for killing someone whom he witnessed order the wholesale massacre and destruction of an entire city because he couldn’t do be arsed to do his job. There is no ethical reason for MSGT to object to what Zero just did. He just saved his life without killing or harming anyone, innocent or otherwise.
    • The only reason MSGT is mad at Zero is the same reason Padme dies at the end of Episode III.
      • And the same reason the Star Wars Prequels happened.
        • Wa-ter.
  • Then, MSGT decides to go back to that Empire and actively fight for a bunch of racist murderers in the blind hope that he can “reform” it. Fuck you, Suzaku. You’re a terrible person.
  • “Because I think the ends are just as worthless if the means to them are wrong!” -Suzaku Kururugi
    • There was absolutely nothing wrong with Zero’s methods.
      • Apart from them not making any sense.
  • Lelouch rightfully points out that Suzaku’s entire philosophy is intellectually and ethically bankrupt.
    • MSGT has the gall to thank his rescuer for risking his life to save his own while simultaneously rendering that risk completely meaningless.
      • There is a very good reason everyone hates this asshole.
  • How does MSGT plan to walk back there in an hour?
  • Why is MSGT suddenly getting a fair trial? Because some weirdo claimed he killed Clovis? The system seems to think they have a gun with MSGT’s fingerprints on it. That’s awfully convenient.
  • Also, is this all supposed to have taken place in the space of an hour? How is Nunnally still awake?
  • C.C. gets her rape face on.
    • I hope you don’t suffer any more trauma from this, Nunnally.
      • Jesus Christ, what is wrong with this show?

Fate/stay night: Unlimited Blade Works – 3/4

Missed last week’s po63a8f57f-414f-4e56-a5ce-a2a92ac134d51st for Fate/stay night, probably because I was still recovering from the visual orgy. I do love anime when it has no budget restrictions. Watching Berserker and Saber clash in a foggy courtyard and Rin/Ilya duel was a sight to behold. I’ll be honest: I was afraid the writers would try to be lazy and copy the first few episodes of the original Fate/stay night, but I’ve been happy to see they didn’t fall into that trap. We’ve met Lancer as follows, but I seem to recall that they encountered Rider next and did not go straight to Ryuudou Temple. Caster didn’t even play a part in the original anime until the very end of the series. Still, that just gives us more opportunity for beautiful animation, and it keeps the plot from losing its luster so quickly.

Alas, what goes up must come down (Spider-man is wrong here), and even if you don’t have budget restrictions, you will inevitably spend less time and effort on some areas than others. In anime, this typically follows immediately after a full-budget episode, so episode 4 was pretty quiet and, frankly, the worst episode of the anime so far. It wasn’t particularly bad in anyway, just dull when compared to the last few weeks. Not much happened except at the very end, where Rin got to show off her power again. She needs to shout more German. That’s fun.

I eagerly await next week.

Zankyou no Terror – 4

“We haven’t a sSRS.HACKINGingle clue about the perpetrators!”

Except the not-Youtube video clearly showing many of their physical features, unscrambled voices, and personalities. You know you are looking for at least two, unlikely more, young teenagers, one with black hair, one with brown hair, of X approximate height and weight. You have a fucking police sketch that people out in the sticks recognize, for God’s sake. Man, these police fucking suck. Oh, and apparently Bitcoin is a thing now even though the Japanese government doesn’t accept it. In fact, why would the Japanese government approve a request for gunpowder under such suspicious circumstances? Holy shit. Do these people not read what they’re writing? Meanwhile, downtown in Stupidburg, hacking is done through DOS and two teenagers with a fucking laptop can hack the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department with such ridiculous commands as “/attack” and shit. Also, I haven’t forgotten how the writers completely glossed over the many innocent deaths their bombing of the police station racked up. Other bloggers have done so, being so easily sucked in by this C-grade hack prose, but yeah, not a single word of that has been mentioned in any of the police department’s briefings. I know why, though: these two sociopaths have a real moral code, unlike all the adults out there who’ve forgotten what it is to be human, especially those responsible for their terrible childhood. Stop feeding us this high-school freshmen social criticism. Your plot is not deep, Zankyou no Terror. It is the exact opposite of deep. It is so shallow the water doesn’t even cover my pinky toe.

Blah blah blah, Hazuki Nagisa the Insane rescues Lisa as we knew he would. Man, I was so on the edge of my seat for that. I had no idea that’s how the plot would go. No, seriously. Took me completely by surprise! Gasp! Can we move on now? It’s been four fucking episodes; stop telegraphing this shit and get on with the plot. Oh, and Lisa finally gets the psychological release she’s been longing for because of her TERRIBLE FAMILY AND BULLYING JAPANESE SOCIETY AND BOO HOO HOO. Whaa. There, I cried. Done? Didn’t think so.

Blah blah blah, Shibazaki uses his head and solves the crime on his own, but the CORRUPT INCOMPETENT MINDLESS STUPID SOULLESS OLD UNINNOVATIVE STALE BOORISH (insert a thousand more scathing adjectives for good measure, since we can’t squeeze enough commentary into this show) police department can’t recognize an obvious trap and goes in guns blazing, resulting in their embarrassment in front of the public…instead of an actual bombing, which would make me care and give the terrorists some weight behind their words. After all, we can’t have the viewers thinking bad things about Aizen Sousuke the Younger, can we? We can’t let them realize these are just two terrorists putting the lives of untold people at risk with their antics? No, we’ll embarrass the police department instead of making them suffer real consequences for their stupidity. It’s more anvilicious that way!

I guess have to say this again: I DON’T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THIS CONFLICT BETWEEN THE TERRORISTS AND THE POLICE. There’s been no sense of risk or danger to them. They’re just a thousand steps ahead of everyone because MAGICAL REASONS. They are two 17-something teenage boys. They do not have the logistical capabilities or expertise to take on the fucking Japanese government. Or any government. Or any semi-competent agency interested in doing its goddamned job.

It’s like the writers just keep throwing whole kitchen sinks at you labeled “COMMENTARY ON CONTEMPORARY JAPANESE SOCIETY” at the viewer and hoping you don’t think about it because YOU’RE TOO BUSY DODGING GODDAMN KITCHEN SINKS.

FUCK.