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October 25, 2015

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Commentary, Iron-Blooded Orphans, TV/Anime

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Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 4

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In case you’ve forgotten: these are the only reason this show exists.

Episode 4 – Geopolitica Chaotica

  • Sunrise, plagiarizing its own work since 1971.
  • Augus is pumping it up, and his companion is ripped too.
    • This must be a gay’s paradise.
      • Mmmm.
  • “We’re working together again.” -Augus
    • Wait…are these guys…?
      • And his companion is embarrassed.
        • I SEE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE. BOW CHICKA BOW WOW.
          • Sucks to be you, Atra. Augus is quite taken already.
  • Augus says it’s routine while having a flashback about “Kudelia”.
    • Um, why?
      • Well, apart from the fact that everything about “Kudelia” is mundane, boring, routine, and unimaginative.
        • I guess that makes sense.
  • “CGS” is crossed out.
    • Apparently some poor orphaned child took the time and effort to paint over a two-story logo.
      • Don’t they have better things to do? Like, not working, since they are *children*?
        • And we still don’t know what the fuck “CGS” even means. Solid storytelling, Sunrise.
  • IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA. IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA.
    • “Young Mars Caucasians of Acidalia.”
      • See? It’s a reference to The Martian. I’m so clever.
  • “Don’t take too much time with this!” -Random asshole
    • Yeah, kids. Don’t take much time and effort in ensuring the giant machines of death you use are properly loaded and all safety procedures followed. Haste is all that matters.
      • Negligence is fun!
  • Il Duce is disgruntled by how he isn’t in control of a country and can’t send thousands of troops on incompetent foreign ventures to recapture lost glory.
    • Go read your fucking history, you idiots.
      • Il Duce, of course, is also craven and cravenly recounting what happened last episode.
  • “They’ve [Gjallarhorn] controlled this world for hundreds of years.” – Il Duce
    • PBBBBTH HA HA HA HA.
      • There is no way an organization as goddamn incompetent as Gjallarhorn has controlled a goddamn planet for goddamn centuries.
        • They make the Holy Britannia(n) Empire look like the Wehrmacht.
  • That’s right, Il Duce. Have a heart attack…
  • One wonders why they’re keeping this asshole around, seeing as how his only skill is being craven.
    • Oh yeah, he’s going to try to manipulate them. This’ll go so well.
      • Just be careful, Il Duce. You don’t want to end up being hanged by your own people.
        • That’s a pretty lame way to go.
  • RETARDED OPENING THEME TIME.
    • BEHOLD THE SAUSAGE FEST.
      • I’m going to love the bullshit that explains how they get into space.
  • Speaking of which…
  • WHY IS THERE AN ORBITAL MASS DRIVER OVER MARS?
    • DOES EARTH HAVE A GENOCIDE TWITCH THAT NEEDS TO BE SCRATCHED AT A MOMENT’S NOTICE?
      • HOLY CHRIST.
  • Of course the ship they’re waiting for is named “Hakobune.” That’s totally not Japanese.
  • According to this map, the distance between Earth and Mars is the same relative distance between low Mars orbit and geosynchronous Mars orbit.
    • You’ll also notice the icon of Earth is centered on Japan, perhaps for the convenience of a select group of viewers. Not saying who.
      • Which is courteous, to say the least. Those poor souls out in Kamchatka need some attention now and then.
  • “Usually, the path to Earth is under the control of Gjallarhorn.” -Biscuit
    • LOL.
      • Okay, stop.
        • First off, who the fuck is Gjallarhorn? Are they security forces from Earth? What organization or authority do they answer to? Who funds them? Or are they just this highly convenient space mafia that gets in the protagonists’ way?
        • Secondly, there is no way an organization as goddamn incompetent as Gjallarhorn has control over the goddamn space routes between Earth and Mars, which stretch for tens of millions of miles.
        • Thirdly, it is almost impossible to blockade a goddamn planet, particularly with just the two or three ships we’ve seen in their possession.
        • Fourthly, fuck this cosmopolitical setup into the ground.
  • “We need to take a back route which doesn’t cross existing paths.” -Biscuit
    • Oh yeah, Biscuit. Space is just like a walk in the woods. It’s not like your path is highly predictable, constrained, and governed by interplanetary physics.
  • “But it’s a complex route, and we’ve never traveled to Earth.” – Biscuit
    • I see nothing to worry about, “Kudelia”.
      • These people have no experience in space, none of the intense education or physical training required to be astronauts, nor any of the equipment needed to properly and safely make an interplanetary journey.
        • What’s more, they’re trying to do space hankey-pankey and plot a route to Earth that’s never been done before.
          • Sleep tight, sweet cheeks.
  • “And these back routes are divided into territories of civilian businesses.” -Or(l)ga
    • May I remind you that they are talking about SPACE. NOT GROUND. THERE IS NO “TERRITORY” IN FUCKING SPACE.
      • Also, who the fuck is translating this series? I’m asking for a friend.
  • These people are still listening to Il Duce, who has given them nothing but uselessly craven advice.
    • Watch Eugene agree with him.
      • Excuse me while I go spit out his milk, because Eugene just pointed out how they have no reason to trust Il Duce.
        • Especially considering how incredibly convenient it is that some fat asshole like him knows the CEO of a spacefaring corporation.
  • Or(l)ga is all fine with this. In his little brain, there’s no way they could be a trap.
    • Like what happened yesterday.
  • LOL.
    • “Hakobune” was actually “Hakofune” and apparently the Japanese education system is no longer teaching people how to Romanize shit.
      • Also, why the fuck does a Martian spaceport or whatever-the-fuck it is HAVE A JAPANESE NAME?
  • No, seriously. Their ship is supposedly named “Will-‘O’-the-Wisp”, but the port has a fucking JAPANESE NAME JUST SO THE JAPANESE VIEWERS CAN RELATE MORE TO IT.
    • FUCK. MY. LIFE.
  • “Kudelia,” you’re the daughter of Mars’ leader and the leader of the Martian Independence Movement (somehow). How come you’re unaware of the nature of this port and are asking about it like a dumb audience member?
    • Quality writing, Sunrise.
  • “But in order to use this ship, we have to officially make it Tekkadan’s.” -Biscuit
    • Here we go again.
      • 1) Hey, Biscuit. Ever heard of “smuggling”? No, you don’t. You’re still in control of CGS’ assets, correct? Just keep the ship under that name.
      • 2) Hey, translators. “Tekkadan” means “Iron Flower”. We went over this last week. We don’t need to keep saying it in Japanese.
  • Or(l)ga entrusts this critical part of their plan to some side characters with no experience in the matter whatsoever.
  • Meanwhile, “Kudelia’s” hair devours a seat cushion to keep itself alive.
  • Wait, so, they’re just going with Il Duce’s suggestion instead of seeking out alternative partners?
    • You know what this means: the writers were fucking lazy.
  • “This is where it gets real.” – Or(l)ga
    • Fighting for your lives against a vicious surprise attack that kills 110 people of your people is just a video game.
      • Negotiating space transport is the real deal.
  • Is no one noticing Il Duce smiling and cackling to himself right there in front of them all?
    • I mean, really?
      • How lazy can Sundown get at this point?
        • Shit, that is a question I should never ask again.
  • MEANWHILE, AT THE SPACE HALLS OF JUSTICE.
    • We’re an austere space ship, but we have teacups in storage just for fancy villainous antagonists with purple hair.
  • “Your subordinates looked like they were about to die.” -Purple Asshole
    • What a way to open a conversation, dipshit.
  • What is this retard even going on about?
    • “Having too excellent a senior officer means a lot of trouble.”
      • What the fuck?
        • 1) No indication has been given as to how this Blonde Asshole is an “excellent” officer. They are literally wasting company time sitting around in an office talking about this and drinking tea.
          • EFFICIENCY, BITCHES.
        • 2) That is not how leadership works.
  • Major Coral attempts some highly transparent feint at pity over a blatantly intentional mess he caused.
  • So, is the series ever going to bother to explain who these two assholes are or what their angle is?
    • Not for a while, huh?
      • I mean, I guess it’s obvious they’re supposed to be loyal, competent, upright soldiers who will defend Earth out of dedication and principles they believe in and……..
        • *snores* oh, shit, sorry. I fell asleep writing that character synopsis.
          • How could that be? It was so original and exhilarating.
  • Blonde Asshole points out a glaring hole in Gjallarhorn’s records about a unit being missing, something any military force worth its salt would be losing its shit over.
    • Major Coral’s explanation for this is inane and unconvincing.
  • One wonders how Major Coral has managed to keep his job for any length of time longer than two seconds.
    • My God, this guy’s cravenness makes Il Duce look like a Brave Fuhrer defending his Fatherland or something.
      • His name is “Coral Conrad.”
        • Somewhere, some Sunrise writer believes an imaginary mother named her imaginary son that.
          • Pbbbth.
  • CORAL CONRAD BEATS HIS HEAD ON A METAL BULKHEAD.
    • AND SUFFERS NO INJURIES.
      • This guy is fucking hilarious. They are trying so hard to portray him as evil as possible.
        • “Young fools! How dare they underestimate me!”
          • SO WELL-ROUNDED. HE FEELS LIKE A REAL HUMAN.
  • And Coral’s blaming Crank for his incompetent management of everything ever.
    • Well, to be fair, Crank was a selfish moron too, so meh. There go my fucks about this.
  • Meanwhile, at the Halls of Mars.
    • It’s a good thing Augus hasn’t suffered any side-effects from using the 200-year-old Hitler Just Dance.
  • Ah, Yukinojo. The blackest Japanese man known to man.
  • Yes, someone is finally realizing that they have no idea what they’re doing or if this 200-year-old Hitler Super NES is capable of spaceflight or if it’s even in good condition.
    • But it’s a Gundam, so I’m sure you’ve nothing to worry about until the plot demands it.
  • It’s a good thing we sent some random guy to negotiate the most important part of our entire plan.
  • Flashback to a scene to explain Akihiro’s motivation for doing anything.
    • Which takes two seconds to summarize: he has nowhere else to go.
      • If you’ll remember (and I do, Sunrise, as much as you would wish otherwise), that motivation was already covered in the first episode. This scene adds nothing to the series.
  • Yes, let’s trust the guy who looks like Fat Adolf Hitler. That’s a great idea.
    • At least have some backup in place, kids.
  • Augus, like me, is so fucking bored.
  • Is Or(l)ga really about to lecture them all about how important their first job as an independent organization is?
    • Gee, how novel.
  • Odd that such a poor organization can buy fresh Martian vegetables.
  • “UMAI!!!” -Random asshole.
    • Anime Trope #1096870908918050814360 1436 7041356708091356890.
      • Sigh.
        • That’s totally what Japanese people do in real life.
          • (It’s not.)
  • Also odd that “Kudelia” and Fumitan’s clothes are both still in pristine condition. Not even a smudge on them after days in a dirty, industrial environment.
    • WOMEN MUST ALWAYS LOOK PURE FOR THE MEN.
  • “I’m such a weak person.” -“Kudelia”
    • By Thor’s Hammer, woman. Just kill yourself and save us all the pain.
      • The pretentious self-deprecation is just excruciating. I’d rather grind my penis against sandpaper than listen to this shit.
        • Was this written by some Sunrise employee’s toddler and they just left it in there because they thought it sounded profound?
  • Orcus or whoever-the-fuck this is opts to call them with a “Voice Only” option instead of showing his face.
    • SUSPICIOUS SCENARIO IS VERY SUSPICIOUS.
      • GEE. LET ME CONSULT WITH ADMIRAL ACKBAR FOR A SECOND.
  • Wait, wait, how is he getting their video but they aren’t?
    • I don’t know. Fuck it.
  • And this genuflecting old pervert is supposed to be trustworthy too? Gosh, “Kudelia”, you can really pick ’em out of a crowd.
  • “I might rob them of all their smiles.” -“Kudelia”
    • A NORMAL PERSON WOULD TOTALLY SAY THAT.
      • When was the last time anyone you’ve known talked like that in any way, shape, or form?
        • This writing. This writing. Where’s that blasted sandpaper?
  • ARE THEY GOING ON A DATE? OMIGAWD SOMEONE CALL MARS PEOPLE.
  • Wait, wait, wait, wait. What the fuck?
    • Now the Specialist Dipshits are on Mars’ surface? And they’re wearing full suits in a desert landscape?
      • I don’t know. None of this makes sense, nor has it ever made sense.
  • Yeah, let’s do visual reconnaissance in white suits against a brown Martian landscape. No one could possibly spot us.
  • “The Noachis July Assembly.” -Sunrise
    • I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a studio more in love with the sound of its own voice than Sunrise.
      • LOOK AT HOW EXOTIC AND COMPELLING OUR WORLD-BUILDING IS.
        • LOOK AT HOW MANY STRANGE ENGLISH WORDS WE CAN SHIT OUT OF OUR ASSES.
  • BEHOLD, CHILDREN OF MEN: EXPOSITION IN ITS PUREST FORM.
    • WORDS FLASHED ON A SCREEN.
      • MY GOD. IT’S FULL OF STUPID.
  • The Earth is organized into four blocs:
    • The African Union.
    • The Oceanian Federation
    • SAU
    • Arbrau
      • Pbbbbbth.
        • “Arbrau”.
          • Ah ha ha ha ha ha.
            • You can’t make this shit up. Unless you’re Sunrise.
  • The Malta Conference divided Mars.
  • So wait, Gjallarhorn is some sort of supernational entity or independent organization in control of fucking Mars? What?
    • To the point that it was able to redraw national borders on another planet?
  • NOTHING. MAKES. SENSE.
  • So, wait, the Mars territories already have autonomy, but are basically under economic slavery.
    • I love how Sunrise is flashing this incredibly important backstory faster than the human eye can process it. Fantastic storytelling there.
      • And it’s all in English, which means the Japanese viewer is fucked.
  • OH BOY. HERE WE GO.
    • SAU = Strategic Alliance Union
      • Pbbbth.
        • HA HA HA.
          • NO ONE WOULD EVER NAME THEIR COUNTRY THAT.
      • And it consists of the US and Latin America…but not Canada.
        • Um, are they not aware the US and Canada have been close allies for centuries with very similar cultures and heavily intertwined economies? Why would they not join with the US?
    • The “African Union” controls all of continental Europe, Africa, and the Middle-East and reaches into Central Asia.
      • Bull. Fucking. Shit.
        • What, did the Muslims finally complete the conquest of Europe and Africa or something? What the fuck?
    • The Oceanian Federation consists of China, India, Southeast Asia, Australia (which has a giant fucking hole for some reason near where Sydney is), and Japan, the Center of the Universe.
      • …no, Sunrise. No.
    • “Arbrau” consists of Russia and Canada. That’s it.
      • Nope.
        • Nope.
          • Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooope.
  • It’s official: this show is abso-fucking-lutely retarded.
    • Geopolitics wants its dignity back.
      • Also, why was Greenland left out? I think that’s a bit unfair, you assholes.
  • Why do are they doing this on land? Don’t they have the facilities at Gjallarhorn to just reconnoiter this area from space? Or send their subordinates to do it. Or something.
    • Delegate, you idiots.
  • Um, question: if this is the battlefield where they fought a few days ago, then why isn’t the Iron Flower base in plain view?
    • Because it was right there. Everyone was watching it happen from the comfort of the base.
      • Did it just sprout legs and walk off?
        • Or did Sunrise just shoot continuity in the head execution-style and throw it in a dumpster?
          • I HAVE NO IDEA WHICH EXPLANATION IS MORE LIKELY. HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
  • “The Regulatory Bureau.” -Sunrise
    • POISON. I NEED POISON.
  • Oh, there’s the base.
    • Good thing nobody can see them in their white suits and purple/blonde hair against a uniform background of brown.
      • Or notice their descent from space, which Sunrise just hoped you wouldn’t think about.
        • Silly, Sunrise.
  • They’re still painting over this shit. Wasn’t that covered ten minutes ago?
  • “Excuse me, where are we?” -“Kudelia”
    • Good fucking question.
      • How did they go from a barren desert to a lush cornfield? Where is this in relation to the base? What the fuck?
  • Biscuit’s grandmother is named “Sakura-chan.”
    • Right.
      • So why is Biscuit named Biscuit?
        • Fuck it.
  • Um, doesn’t Atra work at a store in town? Why is she here in this random cornfield?
    • Is this scene just an excuse to build tension between the two female leads as they fight in their hearts over their masculine object of desire?
      • Don’t answer that question.
  • Oh, it’s a good luck charm. Atra made it for him.
    • Too bad, Atra. He doesn’t really give a shit.
      • Think of it more as a representation of your bitterly unrequited and insane love for this fuckwit.
  • Now these two Specialist assholes are talking about their family or something, not that we care.
  • WHAT. ON. MARS.
    • THE BLONDE SPECIALIST HAS A 9-YEAR-OLD FIANCEE?
      • THE FUCK. THE FUCK. THE FUCK. THE FUCK.
        • WAT.
          • WHAT IN GOD’S NAME.
            • AND THEIR PARENTS DECIDED ON THIS?
              • AND HE’S OKAY WITH IT, BECAUSE SHE’S HIS FRIEND’S SISTER?
                • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • “Kudelia” is predictably fascinated by the grueling, backbreaking labor of harvesting corn by hand.
    • Which they should not have to do if they have the equipment to mow the stalks down flat. We have the technology to mechanize that process today. It’s basically ubiquitous in the First and Second World. Why is it not on Mars 500-ish years into the future?
      • Have any of these writers ever read a book about anything ever?
        • I haven’t yet seen any moment in this series where they show a modicum of knowledge on any subject.
          • They fucked up geopolitics.
          • They fucked up space travel.
          • It’s a Gundam series, so they fucked up combat and physics.
          • They fucked up logistics.
          • They fucked up human behavior.
          • They fucked up basic storytelling, character motivation and development, and imaginative themes.
          • They fucked up philosophy.
          • And now they’re fucking up agriculture.
    • Manual harvesting is soul-crushing work, but of course “Kudelia” finds it refreshing, because she’s a sheltered rich girl.
  • LOL, “Kudelia” is so weak she can’t break a corn off the cornstalk, but then Augus catches her when she falls, creating a predictable, awkward situation.
    • Hey, Augus: pull her up before her arm rips out of her socket.
  • CONVENIENT WIND ALLOWS FOR A POIGNANT SCENE.
  • The currency for this planet is the “galar”, but of course it scales identically to the yen for the convenience for the Japanese viewer.
    • Also, there is no way any farmer would be growing corn if they could only get $0.50 for 10 kilograms. That’s not economically viable.
      • 10 kg = 0.4 bushels
      • So the price of corn is $1.25 per bushel. The current price for corn on the US market is $4.3775. For a metric ton, that’s $172.34; this Mars price is $49.
        • $49 for a metric ton. Going back 30 years, the price of corn has never gone that low on the US market.
          • Conclusion: Sakura-chan and her misshapen lineage should be so fucking destitute that “Biscuit” should be named “Kernel”.
  • Sunrise fucked up economics too. Achievement unlocked.
    • Also 2.0, there is no way there is still a market for corn-based biofuel in a civilization capable of terraforming and colonizing other planets.
  • I don’t understand. Mars is the lifeblood of Earth’s economy (somehow), right?
    • So how is Mars so bloody destitute?
      • Don’t say “colonization.” That doesn’t make any fucking sense.
        • It would take far more resources to terraform Mars and turn it into a viable biosphere than it would to just invest in Earth. The equation just isn’t profitable, period.
          • Colonization happens when developing, powerful economies from the outside encounter weakly-held lands or territories filled with unexploited natural resources and a poor population. It’s easy money.
            • You know what’s cheaper than terraforming planets? Asteroids. There’s a zillion times more money in harvesting shit off asteroids than desiccated wastelands like Mars. Maybe that should’ve been your premise, Sunrise. Have a child-labor force being used to drill asteroids. You know, makes sense.
          • Mars is a useless piece of rock. How is Earth in such a condition that it was able to terraform Mars into fertility, divide its territory up piecemeal and control it for hundreds of years uncontested, but *also* depend entirely on Mars to keep its economic engine going?
            • There is no economic scenario in which any of this makes any sense.
  • “Human Debris.”
    • Also known as “slavery.”
      • But we can’t say “slavery” because reasons.
        • Those reasons being “Human Debris” sounds cool to a Japanese ear.
  • “KUDELIA” IS SHOCKED THAT SOMEONE THANKED HER.
    • Why?
  • Atra is being jealous. No one cares.
    • The Eldritch Twins return to wreak havoc.
      • So, Atra, what do you see in Augus?
        • Like, what is it that attracts you to him besides his shapely body?
          • I can’t see anything in his personality that would attract anyone.
  • The Eldritch Twins are so fucking dumb they can’t look both ways when crossing the road.
    • AUGUS GETS HIS MURDER FACE ON.
      • Also jumps to conclusions and doesn’t investigate the situation at all.
        • Jesus Goddamn Christ, how are we supposed to like this character?
          • He just switches to psychopath mode on the turn of a dime. He’s nothing more than a public menace and a danger to everyone around him.
            • GEE, AUGUS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD’VE ASKED WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE YOU NEARLY BROKE THAT MAN’S WINDPIPE.
  • “ALAYA-VIJNANA SYSTEM.”
    • 100 TRILLION YEN, WHORES.
      • I was wondering if they could go one episode without saying it. GUESS NOT.
  • Augus is also so stupid that he can’t recognize Gjallarhorn’s insignia even though they’re his chief enemy that he knows he’ll encounter in the future.
    • Also, the Specialists are so stupid they put a Gjallarhorn insignia on their car while doing a covert investigation.
      • I’ll save time next time: everyone is so, so stupid.
  • “My name is McGillis Fareed.” -McGillis Fareed
    • Someone got picked on in high school.
  • “Kudelia”, try cutting your hair in the future so that you don’t stick out like a sore thumb.
  • MEANWHILE, AT SPACE DOCK.
    • “Will-O’-The-Wisp” is now the “ISARIBI.”
      • …that means nothing to me.
        • OBSCURE JAPANESE MYTHOLOGY REFERENCE.
  • The Iron Flower insignia is revealed.
    • Apparently we’re supposed to care about this, even though it’s in the opening sequence.
  • Il Duce is cravenly doing evil things with evil people.
    • Fear not. The Jews can smell his blood and they know no fear.
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October 11, 2015

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Amused, TV/Anime, Whatever

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Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 2

My character has only been done a zillion times before!! Tee hee!!

My character has only been done a zillion times before!! Tee hee hee!!

Episode 2 – Hitlerami Damacy

  • Stiiiiiill 15 seconds of logos.
  • Augus the Japanese sexily exhales blood.
    • This generally means he should go to a hospital.
  • Did it…really just take him 5 seconds to swing his giant-ass sword and cleave that enemy Mobile Suit in two?
    • I don’t even remember the asshole’s name from last week. What was, it…Orlis? Maybe?
      • Who gives a fuck.
        • No, seriously. Either the asshole is dead OOOOOOR he’s going to stay dead for X amount of episodes until he comes back via deus ex machina with an absurd revenge complex v. Augus. Complete with a very scarred face.
          • YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT, BITCHES.
  • Fade to black, then to a flashback WE’VE ALREADY SEEN BEFORE.
  • Holy. God. In Heaven.
    • SILLY.KUDELIAS-CRAZY-HAIR
      • Augus, someone has to style “Kudelia’s” hair. It’s a suicide mission, I know, but IT’S A JOB ONLY YOU CAN DO!!
        • Some poor Martian logistician somewhere: “how does all the hairspray on the planet keep disappearing?”
  • Um, so some random-ass door opens up and reveals Augus shirtless in front of the princess. How did either of them get from point A to point B?
    • “Kudelia” has just been standing around like a useless twerp while Augus was just in a Gundam two seconds ago. How did any of this happen?
      • Fuck it, it’s all about establishing sexual tension or something, right? Right.
        • Sunrise is the laziest anime studio on Earth, Mars, and goddamn Pluto.
  • 15 seconds of drilling and mechanical work. And I don’t mean sex, kids.
  • LOL.
    • Maruba, the worst businessman on Earth, Mars, and goddamn Pluto, stowed away a fully-functional Gundam that doesn’t have a scratch on it just to sell it to someone else.
      • That is more convenient than a conjunction of all nine planets in the solar system.
  • Wait…wouldn’t removing all the space around the cockpit negatively affect its capabilities? And why would they do that anyway? That’s an unnecessary expense if you’re just going to resell it.
    • Maruba, the worst financier on Earth, Mars, and goddamn Pluto.
  • Man, it’s a good thing these highly complex machines can be stored for a bajillion years with no maintenance and still go straight into combat without a hitch AND interface with highly complex military combat interfaces that were built centuries after it.
    • Huh. Mars and Jupiter are aligning all of a sudden. Weird.
  • “Alaya-Vijnana.”
    • There is no way that eponym will ever not be hilarious.
      • That’s another 100 trillion yen, Japan. Pay up.
  • Since I’m the only viewer paying the slightest bit of attention, the “Calamity War” took place two centuries ago, so there is no fucking way this Gundam’s combat system is even remotely compatible with any of this technology.
    • Sunrise, your bullshit deus ex nonsense isn’t cool or impressive. It just exposes your complete lack of ambition or creativity when it comes to this exhausted franchise.
  • OH MY GOD. “KUDELIA” SOMEHOW KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT A 200-YEAR OLD WAR MACHINE.
    • (But not any of the real problems contemporary Martians are dealing with right now.)
      • Nah, that requires her to touch the truth with her own hands or some happy-feely Japanese-y bullshit.
        • At least she found some moral compunction buried underneath all that hair.
  • “Using nanomachines, it creates a pseudo-brain lobe that governs spatial awareness.” -Or(l)ga
    • Wow. Okay.
      • 1. How’s this for a translation? “And with those nanomachines, it creates a simulated brain lobe that governs spatial awareness.”
      • 2. This is the most fucking amazing technology ever. Why is this thing sitting in a junkyard waiting to be resold for scrap?
      • 3. Oh gee, what a surprise, it allows the brain to directly process Mobile Suit data.
        • Huh. That sounds oddly familiar.
          • 04
            • Oh yeah. That was in another Gundam series made two decades ago and it just happened to turn every person who used it into ADOLF HITLER.
              • GREAT IDEA, MORONS.
                • We can’t waste any time. Gotta introduce the Crazy-Gundam system in Episode 2 instead of Episode 30 this time.
  • Let’s just stop and consider how pathetic it is that Sunrise is ripping off the same character designs and story elements from one of its own series from twenty years ago.
    • “Kudelia” just happens to look and feel a lot like Relena Peacecraft.
    • Augus just happens to look and sound a lot like Heero Yuy…except, you know, without all the legendary psychopathy.
    • Augus’ Gundam uses the Zero System because Sunrise couldn’t think of anything original to save its hide from anus-probing space aliens from Uhgpoiahpblax II.
  • If they’ve managed to perfect artificial brain simulation, then why isn’t everyone on Mars/Earth in a virtual simulation right now?
  • “Without this system, an uneducated kid like him couldn’t operate this thing.”
    • Wow. Okay again.
      • 1. Thanks for having your own characters say “it’s basically just a fucking plot device.” It really clears things up.
      • 2. That’s not how the human brain works. Even with a magical brain simulation thingie, you’d still have to take loads of training just to know how to operate any Mobile Suit in combat, let alone effectively.
        • Leave it to Sunrise to come up with a twenty-year-old plot device that doesn’t even work under its own logic.
  • BY THE WAY, Augus, this just might sooooooooooooorrta kinda possibly maybe make you want to kill all the Jews.
    • If you’re okay with that.
      • I mean, I’m not judging or anything.
  • “Your cerebral nerves could…”
    • “That’s okay. I never use them much anyway.”
      • Except right there.
        • And in every moment of your waking life.
          • Ha ha ha, what a fucking retarded joke.
  • “Kudelia” expresses shocked concern. Not because she’s thinking through how FUCKED UP all of this actually is, but that’s what her character is supposed to do.
    • “Is your life not precious to you?” -“Kudelia” Aina Bernstein
      • BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARF.
    • “Of course it is. My life and everybody else’s.” -Mikazuki Augus
      • BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARF.
    • *exhale of shocked revelation* – “Kudelia” Aina Bernstein
      • Now I need a goddamn Hitler Machine.
  • Hey, let’s use this 200-year-old neural interface device WITHOUT TESTING IT FIRST.
  • “Barbados.” It means “Zero” in Martian.
  • “How do you read this?” -Mikazuki Augus
    • LOL
      • What, are you saying this asshole mechanic can fix up a 200-year-old war machine but CAN’T READ THE LATIN ALPHABET?
        • He just babbles on for five seconds going “Barb..bara…ba…”
          • WAIT. AUGUS CAN’T READ IT TOO.
            • PBTH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
  • Augus suffers horrendous neural feedback and probably tetanus + gangrene after interfacing recklessly with the 200-year-old Hitler Machine.
  • Biscuit casually reminds them that there is still, in fact, a battle going on outside.
    • Shame that nobody in this scene expressed any concern whatsoever about that.
  • Oh boo. Instead of dying in horrific convulsions like any human being actually would, Augus overcomes the Hitler Dance Party Machine through sheer force of will. Somehow.
    • One of my lifelong dreams has become seeing Sunrise’s HQ burn to the ground in righteous, cleansing fire.
  • How did the Hitler Rave Device teach Augus its own name? Why would it have the capability or mechanism to do that?
  • Um, are you bleeding from your nose, Augus?
    • Eh, whatever. It’s probably not a life-threatening aneurysm. You can go.
  • Man, it’s a good thing this 200-year-old retinal projector is working perfectly fine after 200 years of rust, neglect, and a complete lack of maintenance.
  • “Kudelia” actually asks if the protagonist of an anime with 25 planned episodes can win a minor skirmish in its second episode.
    • Gee, “Kudelia,” I dunno. The odds sure seemed stacked against him.
      • It’s so suspenseful.
  • Biscuit spouts cliche Japanese nonsense that hasn’t inspired anyone since 1989 and basically amounts to stating the obvious.
  • The English in this opening sequence is so goddamn stupid.
    • When did this become a trend in Japan? Having Japanese bands hire some hack English writer to scrawl out incoherent gobbledygook and collect a check?
      • “All misleads they give ignoring our decisions.”
      • “Killing yourself your soul we have inside.”
      • Notice how the only female characters visible are not only outnumbered just by the male extras 10-1, but are also all in supporting roles.
        • Would be nice to have a FEMALE LEAD GUNDAM PILOT sometime in the next two hundred years.
          • At least “Lieutenant” Noin was shown to be a kinda-competent Mobile Suit pilot in an anime from TWENTY YEARS AGO.
  • And now back to the combat. I wonder who’s going to win.
  • The scared n00bie pilot is freaking out over here or something.
    • WE RUSHED IN WITH BAD INTELLIGENCE AND NOW IT’S COMING BACK TO BITE US IN THE ASS. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE WHAAAAA.
  • Calm down, Ein. (Thanks for telling me his name again.) You haven’t seen Orlis’ body yet. I’m sure it’s quite possible he’s still alive.
  • Man, it’s a good thing this ragtag group of underfunded child laborers had the proper fuel to make this 200-year-old Hitler Race Race Revolution Machine move.
  • “NIGASU NNA!”
    • Oh, so terrifying: it’s a line that every anime character in combat ever has uttered in indignant rage. The suspense grips me.
  • Let me guess: Crank, a veteran with a machine that is 200 years newer and who has far more combat experience, is about to be crushed by the 12-year-old kid with the Hitler Karaoke Machine.
  • Um. WAIT. IS AUGUS USING HUMAN SHIELDS? HA.
    • That Hitler Xbox sure doesn’t waste time, does it?
      • I am losing my shit.
  • Sigh, Ein charges in recklessly and protests that this highly reckless attack will somehow do something even though it clearly won’t.
    • Ein, how does it feel to be a one-dimensional character with a highly predictable character arc?
      • Must be quite the existential experience, I’d warrant.
        • Maybe you should find another job that doesn’t crush both body and soul.
          • Like at Wal-Mart.
  • Of course, they’re both magically on the same radio frequency.
    • Sunrise, go fuck yourself and jump in a frozen lake.
  • 20 seconds of pressing against each other’s weapons. Yawn.
  • Crank is surprised to find a child piloting a Mobile Suit after attacking an installation he knows is filled with children.
    • I can scarcely imagine how Crank will react when he finds out that water is wet. He might have a heart attack.
      • Nobody tell him.
  • Augus is talking about slaughtering them all.
    • Um, Sunrise? Is this supposed to be profound? Because it’s just horrifying.
  • “I AM LOSING BY STRENGTH.” -Crank
    • These subbers suck my balls.
      • What native English speaker would EVER say that?
        • Hey, here’s an idea: “HOW IS HE OVERPOWERING ME?”
          • Put me on this subbing team, for Christ’s sake.
  • “WHAT GREAT REACTION SPEED.” -Crank
    • Can you guess what Japanese word started that sentence?
      • HMMMM.
        • Could it be…なんて?
          • NOOOO. NO WAY.
            • I, being in no way fluent in Japanese, could script an anime episode with little effort.
  • WTF. THE GUNDAM IS RUNNING OUT OF FUEL.
    • HOLY SHIT, LOGISTICS EXISTS IN THIS UNIVERSE.
      • MY SOUL IS REVIVED. PRAISE BE THE LORD MARS.
  • “Yamagi” has a bowl-cut of golden hair.
    • I could accept maybe one or two of these guys having Japanese surnames by sheer chance. Not five, six, or EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
      • Are we sure Sunrise also isn’t running a Hitler Karaoke Booth at its HQ? Someone go get a SWAT team and sort that shit out.
  • Oh dear, a bit of incompetence leads to Augus running out of fuel mid-battle. Not the sheer difficulties of a 200-year-old war machine even being compatible with modern fuel.
  • Man, it’s a good thing Augus has all this time for these two retards to spasm comically  about how they can’t do their fucking jobs.
  • If its thrusters don’t have fuel, how can it move?
    • Like, what’s the energy source allowing it to run around the battlefield like that? It has to be coming from somewhere.
      • The souls of small children? Does the Hitler Disco Party draw energy from them? I’m more willing to accept that than anything else I’ve seen so far.
  • Ein somehow received a shoulder wound through no discernible chain of events.
    • And is somehow piloting his complex Mobile Suit with one hand on the controls.
      • Sure, Sunrise.
  • Crank’s years of experience tell him to retreat at the exact moment when the tactical situation shifts overwhelmingly in his favor.
    • They could seriously just kill Augus right now, but aren’t for some reason.
      • That reason is called bling-bling.
  • Uh, Augus? I think your jugular vein just ruptured.
    • I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’re in good hands with Grandpa Hitler Doll.
  • Meanwhile, the evil Caucasian peeps still haven’t had time to fix their faces.
  • No no, just stand there staring pensively at the Gundam while Augus is bleeding to death inside. He’ll wait.
    • He doesn’t use those nerves anyway. His words.
  • Random female character whose name we don’t even know is driving an impossibly stupid and dangerous one-wheeler truck across the Martian landscape.
  • Oh yeah, she totally heard those two girls shouting at her over the roar of her engine.
    • Nothing in this series makes any goddamn sense.
  • “何？失敗しただと？！”
    • No, seriously, I could go write an episode for Sunrise. Why not?
      • How shocking that such a hastily and ill-conceived mission whose objectives weren’t ever clear in the first place failed miserably.
  • “We lost a third of our soldiers and a Graze.” -Crank
    • Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but I saw Augus kill exactly one person. I guess that technically counts as a “third”, but really? That’s overselling your losses, Crank.
  • “Kudelia” is actually “Kuderia.”
    • I don’t give a fuck. It’s not changing, bitches.
      • Besides, as retarded as “Kudelia” sounds, it still sounds a billion times better than “Kuderia.”
        • No, seriously. Try pronouncing “Kuderia” with an English r-sound.
          • Now you feel bad, don’t you? You should.
  • ”ふざけるな！！”
    • I’m typing up my resume to Sunrise right now. How do you say “To Whom It May Concern” in Japanese?
  • “NANTE KOTO KA?”
    • First-grade literature right here.
      • How did my terrible plan fail so terribly? I must now bristle at the sweat on my brow while clenching my fist on my desk.
        • What a unique and original pose no anime character has ever done before.
  • “Kudelia Aina Bernstein” is apparently also the leader of the Martian independence movement.
    • Uh, two hours ago she was just the daughter of Mars’ leader who wanted to find out about the real world. When did she become the leader of an opposition movement? While she was fixing her insane hair?
  • Huh? Their plan was to assassinate “Kudelia” using clearly-marked Earth security forces and hope the Independence Movement just fizzled out instead of flaring up?
    • These writers haven’t the slightest inkling of how humans or geopolitics actually work.
      • Or anything else, for that matter.
        • Sunrise? More like Sundown.
          • …sorry, that’s all I got.
  • Then Mars would go into further turmoil and hate Earth further…which would accomplish what, exactly?
  • This man is insane. How did he get into a position of power?
  • “WHO CARES IF THEY ARE KIDS?” -Asshole Commander
    • Um, all of humanity.
      • This commander apparently has never heard of the term “PR”.
        • How does slaughtering children out of hand help solidify support against the Martians?
          • Answer: it doesn’t.
            • But this moron is a thrall of the plot, so he must say comically genocidal things just to get things moving instead of having relatable people do relatably tragic things in a tragic conflict.
  • Oh dear, Danji is dead.
    • ….no one cares.
      • Except this guy, for some reason.
        • I don’t care that he’s dead. He went out like a fucking idiot and got himself killed. Boo hoo.
          • And apparently his only defining character trait was that he wanted to die smothered in breasts.
            • ….is that supposed to be funny, Sunrise?
  • Generic First Corps guys all have the same face.
    • I am not kidding.
  • This one Caucasian Devil needs twenty rounds of plastic surgery.
    • He is never passing on his genes, that’s for sure.
  • Some random Italian-looking guy rubs his nostrils with his finger and looks all sheepishly conniving.
    • Yep. Confirmed. Sunrise has a Hitler Playstation.
  • Why is this twelve-year-old girl allowed to drive across a Martian landscape to deliver goods to a rundown military unit?
    • She’s four feet tall and is driving a truck with one wheel in its front. How does that thing even survive a bumpy road?
  • Biscuit has twin sisters named “Cookie” and “Cracker”, neither of whom are fat.
    • ….is that supposed to be funny, Sunrise?
  • Uh, are you expecting me to believe this rundown brigade has a fancy, modern waiting lobby?
    • Seriously?
      • I hate this series. I really fucking hate it.
  • Aww, the twin sisters are acting precocious just like all other 妹たち have done in every anime ever.
  • Oh, her name is Atra. Only took 45 minutes of total screen time to say it once.
    • But they have all the wherewithal to say every male character’s name every two seconds just to make sure the audience doesn’t forget.
      • It’s fucking insulting.
  • “Where’s Mikazuki?” -Atra
    • Oh, nowhere. Just suffering a brain hemorrhage in a place with no medical facilities.
      • Wait, he couldn’t cut the link to the Hitler Goat Simulator while Augus was unconscious and the system was off…?
        • He had to turn it back on just to disconnect it?
          • …….
            • I have no words.
  • Poor you, Crank. Your attack on child soldiers cost you one casualty while slaughtering 110 of the other side.
    • What a “crushing” defeat.
  • Atra has an unrequited relationship with Augus.
    • 10 points to Gryffindor for originality.
  • Suddenly “Kudelia,” who two hours ago was just a girl trying to find out the truth of the world, is speaking to the United Nations and conveniently explaining Mars’ cosmopolitical setup that has lasted since the Calamity War.
    • Apparently Earth is divided into four economic blocs…?
      • And this division is what caused Mars to be poor.
        • …okay. That makes little sense on its face.
    • And this setup has caused lots of children to die.
      • Because Mars has a developed industrial economy but also has a high birthrate somehow?
        • …no.
    • Oh, I get it. This is supposed to tie in with the “Iron-Blooded Orphans” title.
      • They honestly want us to believe that Mars is a planet populated mainly by children
        • It’s not happening, Sunrise.
  • “Kudelia’s” stupid hair offends my soul.
    • She has the gall to lecture Earth on how children are dying, but consumes more hairspray than an entire city.
      • And now she blames herself for all this…?
        • Why? She had nothing to do with it at all.
  • Fumitan returns.
    • “Where have you been?”
    • “Hiding like a smart person, you stupid bitch.”
  • Norman Bernstein wants his daughter back.
    • I wonder if “Kudelia” will defy his wishes.
      • Oh look, “Kudelia” just defied his wishes.
  • “This trip to Earth was supposed to be done in secrecy.” -Kudelia
    • Funny how every single person on Mars knew about it somehow.
      • And how would you keep a 5-month journey to represent a planet a secret anyhow? What would the point of that be?
  • I, “Kudelia,” having just nearly died in a horrific attack involving the massacre of innocent children, must now refuse safety until I can “confirm” some vague philosophical goal and develop my character a millimeter forward into well-traveled territory.
    • Fumitan, get me some more hairspray.
  • CAN WE HAVE ONE FEMALE PROTAGONIST IN AN ANIME THAT IS CONFIDENT ABOUT THEMSELVES FOR ONCE?
    • MY GOD.
  • Augus has the balls to cut her off.
    • But only to lecture her about looking down on his nakama-tachi or something. Because reasons.
      • This is anime at its lowest and most cliche.
  • GENERIC SHOCKED LOOK OF REACTION.
  • Now it’s time to pontificate about how ignorant she is for five more minutes.
    • HER HAIR IS WIDER THAN HER ENTIRE BODY.
      • OH, HIS EYES. THOSE EYES WERE SO FIERCE AND DEFIANT.
        • TAKE ME AND DEFLOWER ME, AUGUS.
  • I want these twins to die impaled on a rusted metal girder.
    • “Kudelia,” for her part, can die drenched in hairspray with a burning match tossed on top of her.
  • The evil thugs appropriately look like thugs.
    • Mr. Caucasian Devil still needs his teeth and/or cheeks fixed.
  • Why are any of these people afraid of Lupin IV? He’s obviously a complete shitbag who tried to abandon them in the middle of battle and they know it.
    • Why don’t they just call him on his shit? They just saved their asses. You really think anyone in the unit besides Lupin IV’s little cowardly cadre will support him?
  • “あいつらゆるせねえ！”
    • Cliche line #96874635213654698745.
  • Oh wait, they’re actually talking about doing something. Finally something mildly engaging might happen.
    • “I did, but in this sort of situation?” -Eugene
      • You mean the one where they just tried to leave you all for dead and then beat your leader to a bloody pulp for standing his ground and doing his job?
        • It sounds like the perfect time to take over. Eugene was willing to suggest a coup when everything seemed peachy. Why is he getting cold feet now, of all times?
  • By the way, I still don’t know what “CGS” stands for.
  • You know, if Maruba and the First Corps were such scum, it begs the question as to why these guys have put up with this shit for so long in the first place.
  • Or(l)ga is the distant ancestor of Trowa Barton or something.
    • Or(l)ga, the second-most prolific hairspray consumer in the Mars Sphere.
      • Also this scene’s Exposition Maestro.
  • “We’re human debris.” -Akihiro
    • As if any Japanese viewer would know off the top of their heads what “Hyuuman Debburi” means.
      • And he declares he’ll mindlessly obey whoever’s in charge instead of, you know, taking charge.
        • What a memorable character.
  • Or(l)ga forgot about Augus, the guy who is probably still bleeding to death somewhere.
  • MEANWHILE, AT THE HALLS OF JUSTICE.
    • Ein’s only redeeming quality is his delicious pecs.
      • Magical cartoon bandages heal all injuries.
    • Crank seriously intends to go back and fight the people who just kicked his ass all by his lonesome.
      • Good on him. I hope he fucking dies.
  • Crank babbles on about soldiers and disgrace, forgetting that he just killed 110 children.
    • OOOOOPS.
  • “I don’t want to fight.” -Crank
    • So don’t fight.
      • “But if I have no choice but to fight…”
        • So just run away and don’t fight. I honestly don’t see what’s the dilemma, Crank.
  • Augus is apathetically fatalistic.
    • Meh. I don’t care either.
  • Blah blah blah, gambare, blah blah blah.
  • “But if it’s something you decided, I’ll do it.” -Augus
    • Ummm….what if it involves killing all the Jews?
      • Oh wait, no, you’re cool with that already.
  • Great. These fuckwits showed up.
    • “Specialist Major” Fareed and “Specialist Major” Bauduin.
      • Anaphylactic shock, here I come.
  • MWA HA HA, I AM MAJOR CORAL AND I LOOK LIKE THE LOVECHILD OF ALEC BALDWIN AND CLAUDE FROLLO. BO HA HA HA HA.
    • LOOK AT HOW EVIRU AND GROVORINGU I AM.
  • Oh gee, the highfalutin Specialist Majors (as if that’s a rank somewhere) interrupt Major Coral in order to establish their imposing will of character.
    • No one’s ever done that before.
  • KATAKANA CREDIT BARRAGE GOOOOOOOOOOOO.
  • ….is that a cross explosion?
    • Hideki Anno is gonna sue somebody.
  • Look at all these children climbing unaided on this five-story-tall war machine.
    • It’s totally not dangerous.
  • “Kudelia’s” hair is taller than the cornstalks in this frame.
    • Burn the corn. Burn the land.
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July 25, 2015

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Code Geass, Retrocaustic

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Retrocaustic: Code Geass – Episode 6

Code Geass is stupid. But how stupid? Let’s find out together.

SILLY.ZOMBIE-GIRLS

The viewer demographic for Code Geass, in all its glory.

Episode VI – Porn is the Mindkiller

  • Is this Japan? Is this the Land of the Rising Sun? Looks way too Greek to me, not that the writers would know.
  • Damn, that poor attendant had to walk, like, six zillion miles just to tell the Emperor one line of dialog.
    • “I survived another workout that could’ve been an email.”
      • Someone make a t-shirt of it.
  • “I was just talking to Clovis right now.” -The Emperor
    • “Holy shit, my boss might be crazy.” -This random-ass attendant.
      • Also, how can he see in that thing? It’s the least functional uniform ever.
  • POINTLESS FORESHADOWING IS POINTLESS.
  • “The Stolen Mask.”
    • Shit, this is the filler episode, isn’t it?
      • Must. Find. Morphine.
  • The insignificant students of the Palace of the Ashfords spend their three seconds of screentime asking insignificant yet highly salient questions.
    • What an apt metaphor for human existence.
  • “Even so, he seems kinda suspicious, doesn’t he?” -This random-ass student
    • Why? There are least half a dozen guys with the same basic features as MSGT, plus he’s wearing a carbon copy of your outfit. How does he seem suspicious? Is his laptop a Mooglebook?
  • They think MSGT might be a terrorist. They’re awfully calm for considering such a brazen thing.
  • “Even the school can confirm that [Suzaku isn’t a terrorist].” -This other random-ass student
    • Gee, man, I dunno. I think only about three people on this planet have brains. None of them are in this room.
      • Remember: this is the Empire that put Jeremiah Gottwald in military command of an entire colony of 120 million people. Your faith may be misplaced.
  • God, this entire scene is a bunch of lazy one-liners that repeat the same goddamn information over and over.
    • BIGOTED RICH STUDENTS ARE AFRAID OF SOMEONE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FROM THEM. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
      • Nina Einstein continues her meteoric rise into the ranks of “Worst Human Beings Who Have Ever Lived.”
  • Shirley suggests the radical idea that they treat MSGT like a human being.
    • Bitch is gonna die.
  • Lelouch learned his spy tradecraft from Sesame Street.
    • Gee, I hope no one was watching Lelouch as he left, especially the three other students that were two feet away from him in the frame.
      • I also hope no one was watching MSGT’s reaction to him.
  • And nobody follows the extremely suspicious couple up to the roof.
  • GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
    • I refuse to believe they had such a specific sign for a specific thing when they were bratty children.
  • Why did he just say “capsule”? Does the Japanese language not have a word for “capsule,” “container,” or anything of the sort?
    • Hmm, I guess not. English’s domination of all things in this world is getting kinda crazy.
  • Oh yeah, the girl. Whom Lelouch completely forgot about. Because the writers completely forgot about her. Lelouch did not move her or tend to her whatsoever. He just took off in Villetta’s retarded war-machine and left ALL the women behind. Where they belong.
    • Including you, MSGT, but please, continue telling us how you’re repaying Lelouche for his wonderful kindness.
      • Lelouch lies through his teeth. Again.
  • This highly suspicious scenario with a billion elements left totally unexplained will now be ignored. Again.
  • Wait, when did Lelouch get the chance to fake his own death? How did that happen? When?
    • Yeah, *nobody* in the entire Holy Britannia(n) Empire would wonder why a student using his mother’s name and who’s around the age of the supposedly deceased Lelouch vi Britannia shows up randomly under the protection of the Ashford family, a long-time ally of Lelouch’s mother. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur.
      • See what I mean, random-ass student? Your question was pointless. As were you.
        • By the way, do you know what a bee is? I’m conducting a poll.
  • Lelouch questions why MSGT has made a number of incredibly poor decisions. Lelouch, a “brilliant” tactician and strategist, does not learn from his mistakes.
  • Lol. So for no reason whatsoever, the writers retcon the events of the very last episode and heavily imply that Euphemia intervened on MSGT’s behalf. Except that MSGT’s court-martial had already been cancelled, all charges dismissed, and MSGT released before he even met Euphemia. It was precisely that chain of events that led to his meeting Euphemia.
    • I don’t. Even. What.
      • These writers can’t even keep track of what happened two hours ago. Are they all alcoholics?
  • Oh look, there’s a picture of Lelouch right there in the fucking Royal Palace. But no one has seen him before or recognizes him.
    • I wonder if Euphemia knows what a bee is.
  • Great job, Lelouch. You murdered a prolific and talented artist in cold blood because revenge and reasons and stuff.
    • And not because he was a wanna-be mass murderer. You didn’t give two shits about that.
      • Ra ra, Lelouch.
  • Euphemia touches the extremely priceless painting, the last mementos of her dead brother, because that’s exactly what you want to do to such fragile material: smudge your oily human fingers all over it.
    • Sigh. No one cares about art anymore.
  • For the purposes of propaganda, Euphemia will never be told that her “gentle” brother tried to massacre forty million people shortly before he died.
    • Euphemia is a terrible judge of character. Just like every other female character on this show. Because women, and women have no brains. Science says so.
  • Switch to random military situation room, providing us a blindingly useless layout of a battlefield that conveys no tactically relevant information whatsoever.
    • This show dragged Sloth from the depths of Hades and made love to its sweet face in an orgy that will never be surpassed again.
  • The Britannimerican commander pauses to give a speech about information that everyone in the room already knows.
    • Behold the caliber of the Imperial War Machine, conqueror of nations.
  • These guerrillas suck. Whoever they are.
    • Like, they install their gun turrets on flat, exposed concrete slabs on a hillside instead of just burying them into the hillside where the earth would protect them.
      • Let me guess: the animators didn’t want to bother drawing anything more complicated.
  • Um, how did anybody not know the guerrillas were there? That is the most conspicuous hideout I’ve ever seen.
    • It looks like a goddamn anthill.
    • SILLY.BEEHIVE
      • “I say, Earnest, I wonder why that hill has all those guns on it.”
      • “I couldn’t hazard a guess, Elliot. Would you like some cheese with your wine?”
  • These idiots keep acting like Knightmares were invented today at 1300 hours.
    • I will remind you there have been six previous generations of them.
  • Does Cornelia seriously have nothing better to do than run around mopping up hideouts that a two-year-old could spot? Is the Britannimerican military that helpless without its named characters?
    • Yes.
  • That was a complete waste of time, fuel, resources, and ammunition. The tanks would’ve just blown up the fortifications anyway.
    • What a spectacular advancement of human technology. War will never be the same.
  • Somehow, in this universe, melee beats ranged.
    • Hey, Riot. I think your balance team might be interested in this.
  • Those bullets did not miss Cornelia. The animators just didn’t want to animate explosions. One-sided battles are soooooooooooooooo exciting.
    • Are you excited yet? If not, go kill yourself.
  • Cornelia charges alone into a guerrilla labyrinth and dismisses any offer of backup when she has no idea how many enemies are inside, what equipment they have, or what kind of traps or defenses they might have prepared ahead of time.
    • This massive mountain apparently holds a small room filled with…railroads?
      • Huh?
  • Cornelia then looks around for literally two seconds and concludes “Zero must not be here.” Indubitably, Mrs. Holmes.
    • I honestly cannot be surprised anymore by how lazy these writers can get.
  • Cornelia casually says that killing them one-by-one wouldn’t accomplish anything, then proceeds to kill them all one-by-one.
    • Filler level: Code Geass.
  • Lelouch was just sitting here in this empty dining room waiting for Nunnally to show up with Sayoko. It’s almost like he read a script or something.
  • Nunnally can identify who MSGT is by feeling the texture of his hand, but can’t suspect some random woman who steals into her house in the middle of the knight and eats her food.
  • “You’ll stay the night here, won’t you, Suzaku?” -Nunnally vi Britannia
    • “Yes, in Lelouch’s room.”
    • “Oh. That must be nice.”
    • “Uh, yeah. Very.” *wink*
      • I’m bored. Sue me.
  • Sayoko is one hell of a maid. She prepared that spread in three seconds. Ninjas OP.
  • Nunnally vi Britannia is the 340982790847098573098547087th person to ask MSGT why the fuck he’s still in the Britannimerican military.
    • MSGT must know what a bee is.
  • MSGT lies through his teeth. Again.
    • Lelouch is not fooled, considering he knows the status of MSGT’s addled nervous system.
      • Man, Nunnally, you haven’t even had your first period and your whole life is one pernicious lie. Someone’s future therapist is a rich man.
  • “You’ve really mellowed since then.” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Somehow it hard to picture MSGT as some precocious asshole. I think he was probably just a slightly less stupid kid than he is now.
    • “And you’ve gotten a lot rougher.” – MSGT
      • *wink*
  • Gee, I do hope the superhumanly endowed MSGT can’t hear this incredibly sensitive conversation between Lelouch and C.C. going on in the room next to him, the room that isn’t even separated by a door.
  • BA HA HA HA. Lelouch asserts he has friends.
    • Silly anime protagonist. Nobody likes you.
  • Jesus H. Christ, Jeremiah Gottwald has become an extra on a Saw film.
    • Doesn’t the Holy Britannia(n) Empire have less ridiculous restraining devices than white straight jackets bought from Serial Killers Limited?
      • Also, why is Jeremiah Gottwald so cleanly shaven? Do they shave it for him? I don’t think he can shave properly while his abdomen is being crushed by three leather belts.
        • Real answer: the animators went home at one o’clock in the afternoon.
  • Turns out, nobody likes Jeremiah Gottwald. How unexpected.
  • Yes, Jeremiah Gottwald did allow the terrorists to escape in a series of behavior and events that could best be described as a “psychotic episode.” So either Jeremiah Gottwald should be talking to a therapist or they should be investigating why several of their high-level personnel have all had such bizarre episodes in a very short amount of time for no reason.
    • But that would require brains, which go for $20 billion each on the Britannimerican black market.
  • I’m sorry, Jeremiah Gottwald was not demoted three ranks, unless “margrave” is an actual rank in the Holy Britannia(n) Empire. If it is, they’re dumb and should feel very bad about themselves.
  • Wait, so, Jeremiah Gottwald has to either go back to being a pilot or…”cultivate an orange farm?” Is that a veiled threat of forced early retirement? Really? Why are you even allowing such an inimitable moron to remain in your ranks at all?
  • Yes, MSGT, you would be in bad shape if anyone searched Moogle and put two and two together and suspected the very obvious connection between you and Lelouch, but you should also have figured out by now that no one possesses the faculties to do that. So who the fuck cares.
  • I think maybe two people at the school know of Nunnally know of her very existence.
    • Which is the perfect environment for a traumatized adolescent girl to be in.
      • Wait, is Nunnally faking all this? Is she a violent sociopath just like everyone else? I sure fucking hope so, for her sake.
  • LELOUCH RAGES. It’s cute.
  • WHY ARE THEY STILL WEARING THEIR SCHOOL UNIFORMS AT MIDNIGHT? DON’T THESE PEOPLE CHANGE? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH–
  • Gee, C.C, I hope nobody notices your brightly lit figure with your florescent green hair from that window. Certainly not any Britannimerican security personnel from the Capitol Building that’s down the fucking street.
  • Just to be clear, we have another scene in which every Britannimerican student reaffirms their undying racism.
  • Um, how did the Japanese guerrillas infiltrate the Palace of the Ashfords? Why? Did Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere help them out?
  • Oh look, there’s a huge Japanese flag on the wall there. I wonder who these people could be. Really.
  • That asshole guerrilla group named themselves “Blood of the Samurai.” They should’ve named themselves “Lords of the Anthill.” Or something.
    • If they were your largest resistance group in central Japan, then your resistance isn’t long for this world, Ohgi.
  • This episode is SO BOOOOOOOORING.
    • They even keep playing the same goddamn music over and over and over again. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
  • Gee, Lelouch, I do hope the Holy Britannia(n) Empire isn’t monitoring your personal cellphone or the Internet.
  • Um. So….wait, those weren’t Japanese fighters–even though they looked exactly like some of them. They were just asshole students who defaced MSGT’s shirt. Oh.
    • Yeah, none of the Japanese viewers were able to read that. But good try, animators. Good try.
  • Nina and Nunnally have a scene together. Made extremely awkward by what a nightmarish psychological case study Nina is.
    • But she’s also the single most interesting character in this whole series precisely because the writers allow her to be a bad person, instead of glossing over her flaws like they do with everyone else.
      • MSGT and Lelouch could have have sex in Nunnally’s bedroom after slaughtering a small village, but the writers would still find some way to spin it in their favor.
  • Mama loves Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut. Mama loves Pizza Hut and dat check.
  • Geez, I hope nobody notices the very conspicuous C.C. answer the fucking front door.
  • Lelouch shows off his brilliance by storing all the incriminating evidence about his alternate ego in his bedroom.
    • But he painstakingly points this out to the viewer, who is apparently too dumb to draw this conclusion on his own.
  • Did that scene seriously just happen?
    • So, the cat teleported all the way over to the mask, opened it in 0.5 seconds, fished out the mask, then left the room with it in 0.3 seconds, all without making any sound or C.C., a magical immortal witch who’s been alive for hundreds of years, noticing any of this?
      • Lazy fucks.
        • And that is one badass cat.
  • Either Lelouch never changes his clothes or he has ten copies of that one uniform. Either way, this is retarded.
  • Lelouch has a heart attack because something is finally happening in this shitfest of an episode.
    • Lelouch is also baffled by how leaving such horrifically incriminating evidence lying around unsecured is leading to disaster.
  • C.C., act a little more concerned about your entire plan and identity being exposed.
    • Or you can just keep being an unlikable robot. Because you’re a woman, and women do not have personalities. Science says so.
  • They’re going to keep this music on loop, aren’t they? I’m gonna go blow my brains out. Be right back.
  • Wait, how did Nunnally know it was a cat that took something? The cat did not meow there. She couldn’t see the cat. So…
    • I don’t even. Fuck this shit.
  • “What could be so important to Lelouch?” -Rivalz
    • “A love letter?” -Nina Einstein
      • (Porn.)
    • “An embarrassing photo?” -Milly Ashford
      • (Definitely porn.)
        • Also, don’t be a dumbass, Milly. Photos aren’t physical media. Who does that.
    • “A poetry notebook!” -Rivalz
      • OHMIGOD YOU RETARDS IT’S PORN BE TEENAGERS FOR ONCE.
  • Milly Ashford actually enlists the resources of the entire school, which is busily educating the next generation of world leaders, into hunting down what is likely a porn stash. All for her personal amusement.
    • Is this satire now? Is this a subtle commentary on conspicuous consumption or something?
  • Lelouch actually considers enlisting the resources of a Japanese terrorist group to fix a mess that someone of his supposed intellectual caliber would’ve never allowed to happen in the first place.
  • Wait, how did the cat get up to the roof in five seconds? No cat moves that fast, certainly not one blind and confused as fuck. Not to mention it has an injured paw.
    • Maybe the cat knows what a bee is.
  • The cat lands on the injured paw from two stories up. Now, I know cats can fall from relatively high places without injury, but not when it’s limping.
  • LOL, that one Britannimerican asshole is just staring at the wall.
    • SILLY.ASSHOLE-WALL
      • He’s staring at the grey wall for no reason. There’s not even a picture there for him to stare at it. He’s just stoned out of his gourd.
        • The purpose of his entire existence is to stand in that pose so that he doesn’t see the cat. He’s less important than an ant.
          • GOD DOESN’T LOVE YOU.
  • CONTINUITY ALERT! CONTINUITY ALERT!
    • So in the above scene, the cat proceeds to walk down to the left while a conversation is being heard. Then somehow the scene shifts to an ENTIRELY NEW HALLWAY that looks NOTHING LIKE the one you see above as the conversation finishes. The entrance and those students frozen in time all vanish and we see two other assholes. This all happens in the space of four seconds.
      • Photographic evidence of alien teleportation:
        • SILLY.TELEPORTATION
      • And it suddenly has golden wall fringes between the windows.
        • These animators suck balls.
  • HMMM. ZERO’S MASK APPEARS AT SCHOOL. NEURONLESS STUDENTS DO NOT SUSPECT ZERO MIGHT BE AT THEIR SCHOOL.
  • Lelouch haphazardly uses his magical mind-screwing power on those two girls while shouting. I do hope the three other students standing two feet away didn’t hear or see any of that.
    • Nah, they’re staring into space and tripping on some fancy schmancy weed.
  • “Capture the cat which is running loose on campus!” -Milly Ashford
    • This campus is the size of a small city and filled with greenspace. There could be a dozen or two cats running around it. Be more specific, woman.
  • Yes, this seems like a totally reasonable way of not only suspending scholastic activities, but also DOLING OUT BUDGETARY FAVORS.
    • YAAAAAAAAAAY INSTITUTIONAL CORRUPTION.
      • Britannimericans sure learn early.
  • Oh. So the grand prize is a kiss from a member of the student council. Okay.
    • Who cares?
      • Are you implying the school gives a shit about the nerds on the council?
        • Let’s consider the students’ options here. We have:
          • Milly Ashford, because men are perverts.
          • Shirley, because men are perverts.
          • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere, because men are perverts.
          • Lelouch Lamperouge, because women totally like emasculated closeted gay men.
          • Nina Einstein, because lesbians.
          • Rivalz. ………no.
      • Upon review, we have concluded that this is actually a very devious, inclusive, and effective motivational scheme. We salute you, Milly Ashford.
  • Literally two dozen men apparate into the bushes surrounding Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere, implying literally two dozen men are stalking her at all times on campus.
    • This seems like an absurdly low number.
  • LOL. LESBIANS. I KNEW THEY EXIST.
  • Random Britannimerican football team. Because the very unique sport of American football developed in this universe. Not soccer. Yeah.
    • Fuck you.
  • This is actually the most entertaining the show has been so far. They’re certainly making up for the useless first half.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere reaffirms her undying racism.
  • Now Nunnally suddenly has super-accurate hearing for the convenience of the plot, even though she couldn’t sense her brother dragging a mysterious woman into his room.
    • Fuck you.
  • Cecile has no situational awareness whatsoever.
  • Lloyd gripes about how a school does not want a giant weapon of war parked anywhere near it.
  • Why is Rivalz even allowed to drive his motorcycle on campus?
  • Oh. So the two female leads somehow corner the cat after changing in a frantic hurry and nobody else finds it. Right. Sure.
    • The plot always gets what it wants.
  • Shirley is distracted by lesbian fantasies. Christ, woman, focus for five seconds.
  • THE CAT LITERALLY DOES NOT MAKE ANY SOUNDS WITH ITS FOOTPRINTS. NUNNALLY IS FULL OF SHIT.
    • AND THEN IT TELEPORTS TO ANOTHER BUILDING. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
  • Lelouch should be dead after running so much.
  • Awww yeah, Nina knows what’s going on. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
  • The racists are still stunned after MSGT saved someone’s life in front of their eyes. Wow.
  • MILLY ASHFORD WANTS LELOUCH’S PORN.
    • But no one else does. Sigh.
  • Lelouch reveals incredibly sensitive information that he has no reason to reveal at all.
  • Nina Einstein reaffirms her undying racism.
  • And now Lelouch is putting MSGT on the council because fuck it he’s his gay lover.
  • “How can I refuse a request from the vice-president?” -Milly Ashford
    • Uh, it’s literally your job, president.
  • Oh, yeah, Nunnally’s on the council too.
    • ….I take back what I said about Milly’s promise to the school. That’s disgusting.
  • Rivalz the Student Council Member once again proposes underage drinking in front of a hundred other students.
    • I also take back what I said about Rivalz. This dude must get laid every day.
  • Prince Clovis’ state funeral is surprisingly austere and lacking Jeremiah Gottwald’s decapitated head.
    • Also, nobody gives two fucks.
  • That is one fucking huge portrait of Prince Clovis. It is three stories tall.
    • Seriously, it is three stories tall.
  • Sweeping shots of the Britannimerican Royal Family, exactly two of which we will see again.
  • The Emperor professes his undying Social Darwinism.
    • He then defends this via weak stereotypes and baseless assertions.
  • Kotomine Kirei is the only Britannimerican in the entire Empire who isn’t giving this bullshit the time of day.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald is still alive and serving the Britannimerican military because pixies.
  • Lloyd says something cute. Awww.
  • I’m pretty sure the other superpowers of the world are also moving forward, Emperor Fatshanks.
    • That is his name now.
  • Clovis’ death served zero evolutionary purpose. His Royal Genocide did not have to die had anyone been paying the slightest bit of attention.
  • Emperor Fatshanks preaches about stealing, competing, acquiring, and dominating things, ignoring how any effective nation relies on people not doing that to a certain degree.
  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHRU HAAAAAAAIRU BURITAHNNIA!!!!!!
    • Most inspiring slogan evah.
  • Don’t worry, everyone. MSGT will reform this system from within. He can do it.
    • (Ten bucks on Emperor Fatshanks.)