Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 3

"Kudelia" needs to watch Pleasantville.

“Kudelia” needs to watch Pleasantville.

Episode 3 – Glorious Misogyny

  • Daisuki-DOTTO-NETTO!!
    • Double exclamation points are teh bomb.
  • “Eating again? – Or(l)ga
    • Yes, Or(l)ga. Humans tend to fucking eat. Repeatedly.
      • Are you in any way surprised that Augus is eating a lot after a battle in which a Hitler Nintendo NX nearly killed him?
  • Augus’ overcoat in no way flatters his ridiculously ripped physique. It looks like something made for the inhabitants of Planet Moscow. Or something.
  • That was the most boring and inconsequential opening of an anime episode I’ve seen in a while.
    • “Hey, eating again?”
    • “Yep.”
    • “Huh. Okay. Well then.”
    • [cut to opening sequence]
      • You know what this means, children: the budget ran ooooooooooooooooooooooooooout. Hee hee.
  • PSA: despite this opening sequence’s implications, Iron-Blooded Orphans’ gender ratio does not reflect reality.
    • Shocking PSA: there are slightly more women than men in the general population.
      • Very shocking PSA: they are people just as much as men, with their own dreams, fears, aspirations, and worth.
        • Sorry to blow your mind, Japan.
          • (But not really, you misogynist twerps.)
  • Oh ho ho, Biscuit is in charge of food after the crisis. It’s not like he could be a competent engineer or anything. Fat people love food.
    • Ha ha. It’s funny because Japan is still stuck in 1954.
  • Great idea, Biscuit: give a giant boiling pot of food to your twin sisters to carry. They’re only, like, eight years old. The pot probably weighs as much as both of them combined.
    • Are you trying to give them second-degree burns and a horrific childhood memory?
      • World’s Best Brother, AD 23-something: Biscuit.
  • ありがとう、アトラ。皆喜んでいる。” -Biscuit
    • Oh, of course the woman is in charge of food too.
      • Looking past the tired, happy-feely horseshit that Biscuit seems to Chief of Staff for, this scene is clearly implying that women have nothing to contribute to society beyond supporting men.
        • Thanks, Sunrise. Thanks for moving our species forward into the future.
  • And of course, Atra blushes and smiles by squinting her eyes at Biscuit’s tired, useless, patronizing compliment.
    • Hey, Atra: where’s that guy you’re mooning over that doesn’t give two shits about you?
      • Even if he does, he doesn’t show it in any discernible way, so it’s the same thing.
        • Hey, Atra: since all these people are horrible idiots, how about next time you poison all the food and watch them die in painful convulsions? That would make your character both way more interesting and useful.
  • Continuing this show’s brave march into the Land of Misogynia, “Kudelia” naturally wants to help prepare the food, like a good Japanese woman, but like a good token “strong”, “female” “character”, is hilariously inept at it.
    • It also reinforces that she’s rich, even though everyone could tell by the fact that she has a personal factory for supplying her with hairspray, which she requires for sustenance.
      • Yes, “Kudelia” is so spoiled and pampered that she’s completely useless with a ladle, which requires only the most basic amount of hand-eye coordination.
        • She’s acting like it weighs 100 kilograms or something and is a bizarre object crafted by an alien civilization.
          • Someday, somewhere, Sunrise will stop treating its female characters like shit.
  • No, I’m not getting off this soapbox. All the female characters in this series are in this scene, and they are all delicate objects of desire and support for the men. This is sexism at its most sinister and subtle. It’s so bad that a stereotypically butch female pilot character with the personality of a lead bar and a boringly tragic past would be admirable progress for these writers.
    • So no, Sunrise, this scene is no way funny. It’s fucking insulting.
  • “Kudelia” is so useless and ignorant she DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE A KNIFE.
    • Excuse me while I go use a knife on some Sunrise writers.
      • Aww, the annoying brat with no distinguishing features gives “Kudelia” cute but absolutely useless advice on culinary preparation techniques.
        • “When cutting vegetables, make cat paws”.
          • DAWWW, KAWAII DESU.
            • Except not. What does that even mean? That doesn’t even make sense as an analogy for cutting vegetables. Have these writers never cut vegetables before either?
              • She’s pressing on that knife like she’s performing CPR. So either these are Martian cucumbers with skin as resilient as granite or that knife is duller than a worn slab of granite.
  • THESE WRITERS ACTUALLY THINK THIS PATRONIZING DISCRIMINATION IS FUNNY AND HEARTWARMING.
  • Enough talking with women, Biscuit. It’s time for MAN WORK.
    • WHICH ONLY MEN CAN DO.
      • And they’ll thoughtfully shield them from such harsh, masculine affairs. Women should be unblemished and pretty for the men when they get home.
  • Meanwhile, the men are down in the dumps and struggling with REAL emotional torments.
  • Lupin IV actually insults Biscuit by telling him to put his butt meat inside his soup.
    • That got odd really fast.
  • “Kudelia” has acquired the Skill [Basic Hand-Eye Coordination]! Her DEX increases by +5!
    • But she still scales worse than all the men.
  • These little brats call her お嬢様 and act like her serving them food is the best thing ever, even though it’s no different from any of the rest of the glop in the kitchen.
    • Remember, children: women support men like good mothers. It’s how it works.
      • *wink*
  • Augus is as personable and likable as ever.
    • He’d make a lead bar dance and sing with his stoic gaze and piercing eyes.
  • “Kudelia” is so incompetent at cutting things she made big vegetables. HMMM. LET’S SEE IF AUGUS TAKES THEM.
    • HE TOOK THEM.
      • THIS SERIES IS SO RADICAL AND INNOVATIVE.
        • AND “KUDELIA” IS EMBARRASSED TO THE POINT WHERE SHE DEFIES THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.
          • EVEN THOUGH CUTTING SLIGHTLY LARGER VEGETABLE PIECES WOULD IN NO WAY RUIN THE FOOD.
            • SHE’S SO IGNORANT AND SHELTERED SHE DOESN’T REALIZE THAT EITHER.
              • YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. IT’S CUTE.
                • THIS SERIES IS A STEAMING PILE OF FLY-INFESTED EXCREMENT.
  • Augus, of course, treats her warmly and likes her food. In three…two…one…
    • BULLSEYE.
      • HEED THY PROPHET, YE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL.
        • I SPEAK THE WORD OF THE LORD.
  • And “Kudelia” blushes in shocked surprise.
    • SUNRISE, I JUST PREDICTED EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IN EVERY SCENE OF THE PAST 5 MINUTES.
      • GET. BETTER. WRITERS.
        • ALSO, FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME: “KUDELIA’S” HAIR IS FUCKING RETARDED.
  • And now she’s rubbing her hands in delicate feminine angst.
  • ATRA SEES WHAT’S HAPPENING. SOW THE SEEDS OF TENSION AND JEALOUSY, MY PRETTIES. SOW THE SEEDS OF INTERPERSONAL (and uniquely inter-feminine) CONFLICT.
    • BECAUSE WOMEN EXIST TO FIGHT EACH OTHER OVER THE LOVE OF A MAN.
      • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • Now an insightful, gentle-voiced man will talk with Atra about Mikazuki. In three…two…one…
    • Atra sheepishly says she’s “imposing” on the manager.
      • Which is something only a dutiful Japanese person would say.
        • No one else would even give a shit about the manager in their store a hundred kilometers away.
          • SHE’S SO  JAPANESE IN HER DEFERENCE AND HUMILITY.
            • THE PERFECT WOMAN.
              • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    • Atra, of course, being a woman, has inexplicable insight into Augus’ mental state, even though he has exactly two facial expressions: bleh and MURDER.
      • Side note here: the black guy who’s over six feet tall has the surname of “Yukinojo”.
        • ENOUGH OF YOUR LIES, BEELZEBUB. GET THEE BEHIND ME.
  • Oh, are you wondering why I care so much about their names? Because you should, clueless anime fan.
    • See, there’s a very good reason why all the potential antagonists (half of whom look like devils for some odd reason) have weird-ass foreign names while the Martian children all have Japanese names. It’s a tried and true psychological trick to make the Japanese viewer more inclined to sympathize with them. Tamaki looks like he went to a private school on Long Island, New York, but give him an absurd name like “Tamaki” and the Japanese brain instantly categorizes him as being part of the “IN” camp as opposed to the “OTHER” camp.
      • Tl;dr, racist chauvinism.
  • Atra is about to ask “Yukinojo” a favor because she’s so cute and delicate that she doesn’t have the courage to ask Augus herself.
    • Even though Augus will probably go “Oh, huh” and forget about it two seconds later because he’s a braindead stoic protagonist with no personality or relatable feelings.
      • This is how anime writers developed characters five decades ago, in case you didn’t realize.
        • Cut away from the scene without finding out what said favor is.
          • BRILLIANT!
  • So the coup has begun. WAIT. IS SOMETHING HAPPENING?
    • Lupin IV wakes to realize his…thumbs…have been restrained?
      • His THUMBS?
        • WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GOING TO DO?
  • How wonderful, they did something slightly clever and spiked the food with sedatives. Something IS happening.
    • Hallelujah.
  • Hey, Or(l)ga: instead of keeping this group of people in a room with a lock, I have a better idea for you.
    • It’s called death.
      • As in make them die.
        • Kill them all.
          • Or at least drop them off somewhere in the hellish Martian landscape and have them fend for themselves or something.
            • Because this is going to come back to bite you in the ass.
  • Lupin IV, like the good little monster antagonist he is, demands something while in a position to make no demands whatsoever.
  • HOLY SHIT.
    • Augus just EXECUTED that guy.
      • Well, you certainly took my advice, Or(l)ga. Kudos.
        • But JESUS CHRIST, that was a LITTLE over-the-top.
          • Augus is also a complete psychopath. It’s confirmed.
  • The Caucasian Devil with the Bucktooth and Sunken Face is still here, somehow.
  • OMG IT’S BLOOD. IF MY BOOTS TOUCH IT I’LL GET COOTIES.
  • NOW AUGUS KILLED THE CAUCASIAN DEVIL.
    • DOING THE LORD’S WORK, AUGUS.
  • OMG IT’S A GUN. IF IT TOUCHES ME I’LL GET RABIES.
  • Of course the craven guy with glasses betrays his comrades.
    • Not that they were worthy of anyone’s loyalty to begin with.
      • But it’s telling you can tell everything about his character design by his squinted face and huge-ass spectacles.
        • NERDS HAVE NO SPINE, BITCHES. That’s what Sunrise believes, anyway.
  • His name is “Dexter Culastor”, and he’s in charge of accounting.
    • Pardon me for just a moment.
      • [loud noise]
        • Sorry, I had to go crack my skull on the wall in my study.
          • I feel so much better now.
            • Yes, that’s good brain damage. Very good. Mmmm. Tangy.
  • Dexter goes “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH??” like a good wussy nerd.
    • And he’s wearing a tie, for some reason.
      • Because all nerd types wear ties.
        • Fuck you, Sunrise.
  • SPEAKING OF WHICH.
  • Eugene barges into Or(l)ga’s office muttering something about severance pay and shit. Dude is drunk off his ass.
    • Dexter is now released and working for them, because these sluts still need accountants to run shit. Bwa ha ha ha ha.
  • Or(l)ga is noble, so he gives these assholes severance pay for leaving.
    • I don’t care.
      • No, I don’t. There are arguments for this and against it, both legitimate.
        • It doesn’t make me like Or(l)ga any more or less.
  • Eugene, for some reason, wants to throw these guys out onto the street with no money instead of changing how they treat them.
    • Which is the whole point of taking over due to mistreatment.
      • Deeeerp.
  • Eugene is also objecting to them doing honest, upright jobs that will give them a good reputation.
    • Because reasons.
  • Also, that creepy, crunch-faced Italian guy (I’ll call him Il Duce) with the HITLER MUSTACHE is still around.
    • Apparently nobody in this future has heard of Adolf Hitler.
      • Which would explain why they are so eager to use a Hitler Machine.
        • Huh. I just made this series make a little more sense somehow.
          • Goddamn it.
  • Il Duce even talks with a stupidly retarded accent, just to emphasize he’s a smelly foreigner.
  • Yukinojo is staying and is an old man. Good to know, twats.
    • He looks like he’s 35.
      • “Old”.
  • “Kudelia” waits impatiently for her daily hairspray shipment.
    • The fools know not what forces they toy with.
      • She then absentmindedly and pointlessly picks up a random nut, heedless to any heavy machine traffic going on around her.
  • SPEAKING OF WHICH.
    • Or(l)ga is looking for Mikazuki, because we’re supposed to care.
      • Now he recognizes “Kudelia’s” tragic existence.
  • “Kudelia” gives Mikazuki a compliment in his absence.
    • Or(l)ga will now sternly correct her on how mistaken she is (LIKE A WOMAN) and how Mikazuki is somehow nothing special and just an orphan from the streets or something like that. In three…two…one…
      • BULLSEYE.
  • Japan, you said it again. Tsk tsk.
    • “Alaya-Vijnana System.”
      • 100. Trillion. Yen.
        • Now.
          • You wouldn’t want to make India angry, would you? They outnumber you ten to one.
  • SOMEHOW A SYSTEM BUILT 200 YEARS AGO IS BETTER THAN ONE BUILT TODAY.
    • IT MAKES SENSE.
  • Or(l)ga rightfully asks “Kudelia” if she has any plans or inkling of what she’s going to do next.
    • “Kudelia” calls her father “父” as opposed to “お父様”. She is learning, finally.
      • SHE DOESN’T KNOW. SHE THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING SHE COULD DO.
        • SPOKEN LIKE A JAPANESE FIFTH-GRADER.
  • Now she’s wavering due to the idea that the innocent might suffer or be sacrificed in order to accomplish things.
    • Gee, “Kudelia”. Welcome to history.
      • Here’s a complimentary fruit basket for figuring that one out, you highly-educated rich girl who seems to know jackshit about anything for no logical reason.
        • “Kudelia”, in reality, would be lecturing these morons on geopolitics or how to work the Alaya-Vijnana System or something, but she’s a woman in an anime, so she gets to do exactly nothing.
          • What is with this nut? Is it supposed to be a metaphor or something? It doesn’t mean anything.
  • “Do you think you’re responsible for our comrades’ deaths?” – Or(l)ga
    • Um, hey. Didn’t we already go through discussion this last week?
      • Snore.
  • SHOCKED LOOK OF COMPREHENSION.
    • I’m going to need some more paper for this tropes list I’m assembling.
  • SHIVERING EYES OF POIGNANCY.
    • Fuck it, I’ll just order an entire ream.
  • “I’m just angry at myself.” -“Kudelia”
    • Which is the reaction no actual human being would have in this situation.
      • “Kudelia”, honey, you were caught up in a treacherous situation you knew nothing about and had no control over. Your own father sold you out or something for some reason, right? So why are you angry at yourself? You should be angry at your FATHER for SELLING YOU OUT.
        • And possibly your mother for NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS.
          • BUT NO. “KUDELIA” IS THE ONE AT FAULT, NOT THE ASSHOLES AROUND HER. IT MUST BE SOME FAILURE OF HER CHARACTER. DEFINITELY NOT HER FAMILY. BECAUSE JAPANESE HERD MENTALITY.
            • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    • “Over how powerless I really am.” -“Kudelia”
      • Yeah, that’s what you should be angry about. Definitely not your own family handing you over to vicious murderers and rapists.
        • Fuck you, Sunrise.
  • DEXTER WITH GLASSES KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT MONEY. HOW CONVENIENT.
    • So they have 3 months of solvency left. They could have said that in five seconds. Not two minutes.
  • I’m trying to understand how severance pay and normal maintenance costs are eating into their bottom line so much.
    • The severance pay can’t be that much, considering maybe five guys are leaving. The maintenance costs can’t be that much either, considering they just lost 110 people and only a few machines, which aren’t in great condition anyway. Their costs should actually be way down.
  • Or(l)ga, having found out they have 3 months of solvency, declares they must find work immediately or go bankrupt or something.
    • 3 months = nothing, apparently.
  • “But with our current situation, people will take advantage of us”. – Biscuit
    • You mean how you have a priceless superweapon and just fought off an assault from an elite interplanetary security force?
      • Yeah, what a desperate situation that people will take advantage of.
        • Go shove food in your mouth, Biscuit. It’s where you belong.
  • Il Duce has to be the one to point all of this out, because these people are morons.
    • BUT IL DUCE SUGGESTS SELLING OUT “KUDELIA” FOR MONEY, BECAUSE HIS SUNKEN CAUCASIAN CHEEKS OF DEVILRY DEMAND IT.
      • They are really milking this “despicable foreigner” stereotype.
        • Il Duce even has a noticeable beer belly, because les raisons.
  • EUGENE HAS NO MORAL OBJECTIONS WHATSOEVER TO THIS SUGGESTION.
    • HOORAY, THE ONLY GUY WITH THE NOT-JAPANESE NAME IS AN ASSHOLE.
      • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • Oh boy, someone from Gjallarhorn has come back.
    • I wonder who it is.
  • CRANK CHALLENGES AUGUS TO A DUEL.
    • THIS HAS JUST BECOME AN EPISODE OF YUGIOH.
      • GET OUT YOUR DECK, AUGUS.
        • YOU’D BETTER PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT.
          • (Honestly, a tedious children’s card game would be more interesting than this.)
            • Unless this involves more of Augus executing people like a veteran of Stalingrad.
              • Then it’d be fine.
  • I AM CRANK ZENT (LOL) OF GJALLARHORN’S FRONT LINE TROOPS, AND I AM SPEAKING TO YOU OVER LOUDSPEAKER VIA MAGIC.
    • (Seriously, where is the microphone? He has no microphone.)
  • Okay, Crank, have you actually thought this through? What is this duel supposed to accomplish?
    • No, seriously.
      • Yukinojo somehow knows the history of things as they were 200 years ago.
        • No, I don’t believe that people settled things in duels before the Calamity War.
          • That’s fucking bullshit. Shut up.
  • Hmmm, I have an idea: shoot this fucker while he’s outside his Mobile Suit.
    • Or decline.
      • Hey, is anyone wondering why this Gjallorhorn asshole is out here by himself without any support? Anyone?
        • How about you just capture him or shoot him or ignore him?
  • “KUDELIA” OFFERS HERSELF UP AS A SACRIFICE.
    • TO YOGG-SARON HIMSELF.
      • IN HER DRESS OF BLOOD AND SACKCLOTH.
        • Jesus Christ, when did you have time to change into that outfit?
          • (Which is still pants-on-head retarded, not to mention it looks like you are ACTUALLY WEARING PANTS ON YOUR SHOULDERS)
  • Golly. I wonder what’s going to happen next.
    • Maybe Augus the Stoic will object and offer to fight Crank for her honor and glory or something.
      • Yaawn. Someone wake me up when Sunrise does something mildly original.
  • “Meaningless battles should be avoided, correct?” -“Kudelia”
    • Uh, except this wouldn’t be a meaningless battle by any stretch of the imagination, you dimwit.
      • Il Duce, like all those of Caucasian, not-Japanese, dishonorable heritage, suggests very cravenly that they let her go and cravenly negotiate for some money in the process.
        • No Japanese person has ever sold another out for money, btw.
          • Ever.
  • “Kudelia” continues to try to solve a problem she clearly does not understand, all out of a misguided desire to assert herself.
    • Fuck you, bitch. I hope you die.
  • “And I do not plan on just dying.” -“Kudelia”
    • Oh yeah, like you’ll have any say in it.
      • What are you going to do? Smack them with your hair?
        • Pbbth. Like they’re going to listen to you after getting YOUR OWN FATHER TO SELL YOU OUT. IT IS PLAIN THEY ARE IN NO WAY INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY, PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU.
  • Or(l)ga’s face says it all:
    • “Holy shit, what am I doing with my life?”
  • Or(l)ga, rationally, doesn’t trust this random prick who just tried to kill them all yesterday.
  • Augus is perfectly fine with piloting the 200-year-old Hitler Youth Club after it ruptured his jugular vein less than 24 hours ago.
    • Wipe them out, Augus. All of them.
  • WHAT METHOD ARE THESE PEOPLE COMMUNICATING WITH?
    • WHAT DEVICES? HOW? WHY DOES THIS THING EVEN HAVE A LOUDSPEAKER?
      • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • This episode is titled “Glorious Demise”. I think we can guess what happens.
    • Or do I have to pull out the Book of Isaiah again?
  • Augus’ physique is perfect somehow.
  • “Alaya-Vijnana System”. Pay up, Sunrise.
    • 100. Trillion. Smackaroos.
  • LOL, “Kudelia” actually throws out the idea of her piloting the Hitler Disco Ball so she could help people.
    • Yeah, that’s the only way you could help people. Not by putting your educated mind to use or something.
      • I hate this stupid, inane, self-deprecating stereotype of a woman so much, let alone the middle-aged men who wrote her.
  • “We were just lucky”. -Or(l)ga
    • Yep, that sums up the whole series. No logic or sense. Just pure coincidence and bad writing.
  • Meanwhile, let’s all stand out here on the battlefield exposed to whatever debris or flotsam that might result from the duel between two towering Machines of Death.
    • STOCK GUNDAM COMBAT SOUND EFFECT FROM FOUR DECADES AGO.
  • Leave it to Augus the Stoic to only ask how the winner of the duel will be decided after starting the duel.
  • “What Coral…No.” -These Incompetent Subbers
    • Here’s a translation for us poor English types: “Coral…no, we just wanted Kudelia’s life at first…”
      • That’s way clearer.
        • Also, listen up, “Kudelia”: these people just want to kill you. Bet you feel smart now.
  • “Children should not be victimized for adult strifes.” -These Incompetent Subbers again
    • Real English: “Children shouldn’t be dragged into the conflicts of adults.”
      • I thought subbers had learned how to translate Japanese after almost three decades of experience.
  • Crank waxes mournful about children suffering unnecessarily while fighting a child unnecessarily.
    • I don’t think you’re really sincere about that, Crank.
  • Augus wants to kill this guy simply because Or(l)ga told him to.
    • ……….
      • Right.
        • Okay. That’s not creepy or twisted.
  • “Mika knows that he has to be strong in order to live.” – Or(l)ga
    • Incoherent philosophical Japanese babble, AWAY!
      • And now they’re going to wax philosophical about risks and strength and blah blah blah blah blah.
        • Tl;dr: gambaru-ing solves all your problems, no matter what they are.
          • So get back to work, salaryman. Your boss needs those projections by 3:00a tomorrow. Stay late if you have to. Sacrifice your happiness for the company. Gambatte.
  • “He’s [Augus] boorish yet honorable.” -Or(l)ga
    • I’d say he’s just boorish, considering his demonstrated penchant for cold-blooded executions.
      • “He’s full of contradictions. But that’s why he’s strong.” -Or(l)ga
        • Some Sunrise writer: “My characters are so three-dimensional and well-rounded! Tee hee hee!”
          • Neither God nor Satan will take the souls of these writers when they die, alone and unmourned.
  • NO. MIKAZUKI IS NOT AMAZING. HE’S THE DULLEST ANIME PROTAGONIST SINCE KIRITO FROM SWORD ART ONLINE.
  • “Will I be able to fight like him?” -“Kudelia”
    • As if that’s a desirable goal for any sane human being.
      • “Kudelia” processes, struggles with, and ultimately abandons the insane idea of having the surgery to pilot the Hitler Hungry Hungry Hippos, all within five minutes of it popping into her head.
        • Because now she knows she can fight in another way. Or something.
          • Yay, “Kudelia”. That character arc lasted less than fifteen minutes. Congratulations.
            • Now get back in the kitchen and cook food for the men. You can use your hair as kindling.
  • Notice how none of these retards are the least bit concerned about this pitched battle between two towering Machines of Death happening twenty feet away from them.
    • It’s almost as if they read the script in advance.
      • One also wonders how “Kudelia’s” dress is still immaculate after being exposed to the wrath of the rusty soil of Mars.
  • “I’ve never been victimized for anything. I’m just doing what I can for me and my comrades.” -Mikazuki Augus
    • LOL.
      • Sure, kid.
        • Sure.
          • You know, apart from growing up as an orphan, having a life-threatening surgery forced upon you, being forced to work for assholes, etc.
            • Your entire life is the definition of victimhood, you fucktard.
              • Tl;dr, gambaru-ing solves all your problems. So get back in the kitchen, Japanese housewife. Make that dinner and don’t worry about your own fulfillment.
  • This is the worst Gundam Duel I’ve ever seen.
    • It’s beyond boring. I can’t even dedicate a single neuron to caring about it.
      • At least Gundam Wing had generals in Napoleonic uniforms flying around in blimps and shouting “INTELLIGENT BATTLE!!!!” and other such bombast to keep me interested.
        • This is less fun and exciting than watching Mike Huckabee talk about wholesome Christian methods for paint drying.
  • A weapon the size of a house just crashed into the earth literally two feet away from Or(l)ga.
    • The only thing anyone suffers from that is a mild pattering of Martian dust.
      • Sure, kids.
        • Sure.
  • OH MY GOD. IT’S FINALLY OVER. FREE AT LAST.
  • “Tekkadan.” -These Incompetent Subbers thrice
    • “To call ourselves a rotten name like CGS just irritates me.” -Or(l)ga
      • That’s funny, because I still don’t even know what the fuck “CGS” even means.
        • So why should I give a shit?
  • TETSU NO HANA.
    • See, it’s a Kanji joke. 鉄 (tetsu) is obvious, but you can’t tell by sound what “ka” means. “Kudelia” thinks “tekka” = 鉄火, but Or(l)ga means 鉄花.
      • The Japanese love their puns AND inside jokes. As if this show couldn’t get any worse: now it’s trying to be pretentious.
        • Good luck, dubbers. Good luck trying to make that shit work in English.
  • “The iron flower that never wilts.” – Or(l)ga
    • Um, Or(l)ga. It’s not alive to begin with, so of course it can’t wilt.
      • That’s a fucking stupid name.
  • WHY ARE THESE MACHINES BLEEDING? THEY ARE ACTUALLY BLEEDING RED BLOOD.
    • WHAT THE FUCK.
      • ARE THEY ALIVE?
  • Leave it to Augus, ever the morally upright, to ask what happens if he wins the duel only after he wins it.
  • So, basically, Crank achieved nothing and Augus achieved nothing. NOBODY ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING.
    • YAAAAAAAAAAAY. FILLER.
  • “If I go back with negative results, my actions will reflect poorly on all the troops.” -Crank Zent
    • -And These Incompetent Subbers x4
      • Actual English: “If I go back empty-handed, I’ll have disgraced my comrades yet again.”
        • Reality: “Shit. I’ve already disgraced my comrades by disobeying orders and throwing my life away for no reason. Fuck me.”
  • “But if I can end my life here, I will carry all the responsibility with me…” -Crank Zent
    • ….
      • Go fuck yourself, Crank. Go fuck yourself and your suicidal Japanese obsession with honor or something.
        • Just fucking die, you worthless piece of shit.
  • AUGUS IS A MONSTER.
    • Not only does he execute a man in cold blood the third time this morning, he then erotically SMELLS THE BRACELET ATRA GAVE HIM RIGHT AFTER DOING SO.
      • AS IF HE JUST HAD SEX AND IS NOW BASKING IN THE AFTERGLOW.
        • JESUS. H. CHRIST.
          • WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW?
  • Il Duce, smiling cravenly, cravenly whines about not being able to cravenly get any money out of the situation.
    • Eugene, being also not-Japanese, agrees for no reason.
  • “Kudelia” asks them to keep escorting her, even though they have no reason to do so.
    • She even promises them money.
      • Except she has absolutely no control over any of her family’s assets.
        • The family that just tried to SELL HER OUT TO BLATANT MURDERERS AND RAPISTS.
  • Conveniently, “Kudelia” has gone from being the innocent, naive daughter of the leader of Mars to the leader of the Mars Independence Movement to a dissident with connections to rich people, all as the writers need her to be.
    • “Kudelia”‘s character is so misogynist she’s meta-submissive.
  • “Nobliss Gordon.” Pbbbbth ha ha ha ha ha.
    • These names. These fucking names.
      • Il Duce, cravenly obsessed with money as he is like all craven Europeans, cravenly knows about this supposedly super rich guy.
  • Augus doesn’t give a shit.
    • DO THESE PEOPLE NOT REALIZE THEY ARE ADORING AND HARBORING A MURDEROUS PSYCHOPATH WHO APPARENTLY GETS OFF ON KILLING PEOPLE?
  • “We Tekkadan will make sure we deliver you to Earth safely.” -These Incompetent Subbers V
    • Having already explained that “Tekkadan” means “Iron Flower,” they use it again for no reason.
      • Actual English: “The Iron Flower will ensure you are delivered to Earth safe and sound.”
        • It’s even fits the deferential, honorific language Or(l)ga is using much better.
  • “よろしくお願いします。” -“Kudelia”
    • Look, a set Japanese phrase. IT’S CUTE.
      • Maybe something will happen now that we’ve gotten these shitty introductory episodes out of the way.
  • AND NOW THEY’RE GOING TO EXPLAIN “TEKKADAN” AGAIN.
    • GOD.
      • EXCEPT THEY MAGICALLY KNOW WHAT IT MEANS VIA MASS TELEPATHY.
  • Eugene has shifted to being a total asshole because puppies.
  • That’s a goddamn cross explosion. I knew it.
    • Maybe this will end the same way The End of Evangelion does: with everyone dying.
      • Whoops, spoilers.
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Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 2

My character has only been done a zillion times before!! Tee hee!!

My character has only been done a zillion times before!! Tee hee hee!!

Episode 2 – Hitlerami Damacy

  • Stiiiiiill 15 seconds of logos.
  • Augus the Japanese sexily exhales blood.
    • This generally means he should go to a hospital.
  • Did it…really just take him 5 seconds to swing his giant-ass sword and cleave that enemy Mobile Suit in two?
    • I don’t even remember the asshole’s name from last week. What was, it…Orlis? Maybe?
      • Who gives a fuck.
        • No, seriously. Either the asshole is dead OOOOOOR he’s going to stay dead for X amount of episodes until he comes back via deus ex machina with an absurd revenge complex v. Augus. Complete with a very scarred face.
          • YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT, BITCHES.
  • Fade to black, then to a flashback WE’VE ALREADY SEEN BEFORE.
  • Holy. God. In Heaven.
    • SILLY.KUDELIAS-CRAZY-HAIR
      • Augus, someone has to style “Kudelia’s” hair. It’s a suicide mission, I know, but IT’S A JOB ONLY YOU CAN DO!!
        • Some poor Martian logistician somewhere: “how does all the hairspray on the planet keep disappearing?”
  • Um, so some random-ass door opens up and reveals Augus shirtless in front of the princess. How did either of them get from point A to point B?
    • “Kudelia” has just been standing around like a useless twerp while Augus was just in a Gundam two seconds ago. How did any of this happen?
      • Fuck it, it’s all about establishing sexual tension or something, right? Right.
        • Sunrise is the laziest anime studio on Earth, Mars, and goddamn Pluto.
  • 15 seconds of drilling and mechanical work. And I don’t mean sex, kids.
  • LOL.
    • Maruba, the worst businessman on Earth, Mars, and goddamn Pluto, stowed away a fully-functional Gundam that doesn’t have a scratch on it just to sell it to someone else.
      • That is more convenient than a conjunction of all nine planets in the solar system.
  • Wait…wouldn’t removing all the space around the cockpit negatively affect its capabilities? And why would they do that anyway? That’s an unnecessary expense if you’re just going to resell it.
    • Maruba, the worst financier on Earth, Mars, and goddamn Pluto.
  • Man, it’s a good thing these highly complex machines can be stored for a bajillion years with no maintenance and still go straight into combat without a hitch AND interface with highly complex military combat interfaces that were built centuries after it.
    • Huh. Mars and Jupiter are aligning all of a sudden. Weird.
  • “Alaya-Vijnana.”
    • There is no way that eponym will ever not be hilarious.
      • That’s another 100 trillion yen, Japan. Pay up.
  • Since I’m the only viewer paying the slightest bit of attention, the “Calamity War” took place two centuries ago, so there is no fucking way this Gundam’s combat system is even remotely compatible with any of this technology.
    • Sunrise, your bullshit deus ex nonsense isn’t cool or impressive. It just exposes your complete lack of ambition or creativity when it comes to this exhausted franchise.
  • OH MY GOD. “KUDELIA” SOMEHOW KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT A 200-YEAR OLD WAR MACHINE.
    • (But not any of the real problems contemporary Martians are dealing with right now.)
      • Nah, that requires her to touch the truth with her own hands or some happy-feely Japanese-y bullshit.
        • At least she found some moral compunction buried underneath all that hair.
  • “Using nanomachines, it creates a pseudo-brain lobe that governs spatial awareness.” -Or(l)ga
    • Wow. Okay.
      • 1. How’s this for a translation? “And with those nanomachines, it creates a simulated brain lobe that governs spatial awareness.”
      • 2. This is the most fucking amazing technology ever. Why is this thing sitting in a junkyard waiting to be resold for scrap?
      • 3. Oh gee, what a surprise, it allows the brain to directly process Mobile Suit data.
        • Huh. That sounds oddly familiar.
          • 04
            • Oh yeah. That was in another Gundam series made two decades ago and it just happened to turn every person who used it into ADOLF HITLER.
              • GREAT IDEA, MORONS.
                • We can’t waste any time. Gotta introduce the Crazy-Gundam system in Episode 2 instead of Episode 30 this time.
  • Let’s just stop and consider how pathetic it is that Sunrise is ripping off the same character designs and story elements from one of its own series from twenty years ago.
    • “Kudelia” just happens to look and feel a lot like Relena Peacecraft.
    • Augus just happens to look and sound a lot like Heero Yuy…except, you know, without all the legendary psychopathy.
    • Augus’ Gundam uses the Zero System because Sunrise couldn’t think of anything original to save its hide from anus-probing space aliens from Uhgpoiahpblax II.
  • If they’ve managed to perfect artificial brain simulation, then why isn’t everyone on Mars/Earth in a virtual simulation right now?
  • “Without this system, an uneducated kid like him couldn’t operate this thing.”
    • Wow. Okay again.
      • 1. Thanks for having your own characters say “it’s basically just a fucking plot device.” It really clears things up.
      • 2. That’s not how the human brain works. Even with a magical brain simulation thingie, you’d still have to take loads of training just to know how to operate any Mobile Suit in combat, let alone effectively.
        • Leave it to Sunrise to come up with a twenty-year-old plot device that doesn’t even work under its own logic.
  • BY THE WAY, Augus, this just might sooooooooooooorrta kinda possibly maybe make you want to kill all the Jews.
    • If you’re okay with that.
      • I mean, I’m not judging or anything.
  • “Your cerebral nerves could…”
    • “That’s okay. I never use them much anyway.”
      • Except right there.
        • And in every moment of your waking life.
          • Ha ha ha, what a fucking retarded joke.
  • “Kudelia” expresses shocked concern. Not because she’s thinking through how FUCKED UP all of this actually is, but that’s what her character is supposed to do.
    • “Is your life not precious to you?” -“Kudelia” Aina Bernstein
      • BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARF.
    • “Of course it is. My life and everybody else’s.” -Mikazuki Augus
      • BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARF.
    • *exhale of shocked revelation* – “Kudelia” Aina Bernstein
      • Now I need a goddamn Hitler Machine.
  • Hey, let’s use this 200-year-old neural interface device WITHOUT TESTING IT FIRST.
  • “Barbados.” It means “Zero” in Martian.
  • “How do you read this?” -Mikazuki Augus
    • LOL
      • What, are you saying this asshole mechanic can fix up a 200-year-old war machine but CAN’T READ THE LATIN ALPHABET?
        • He just babbles on for five seconds going “Barb..bara…ba…”
          • WAIT. AUGUS CAN’T READ IT TOO.
            • PBTH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
  • Augus suffers horrendous neural feedback and probably tetanus + gangrene after interfacing recklessly with the 200-year-old Hitler Machine.
  • Biscuit casually reminds them that there is still, in fact, a battle going on outside.
    • Shame that nobody in this scene expressed any concern whatsoever about that.
  • Oh boo. Instead of dying in horrific convulsions like any human being actually would, Augus overcomes the Hitler Dance Party Machine through sheer force of will. Somehow.
    • One of my lifelong dreams has become seeing Sunrise’s HQ burn to the ground in righteous, cleansing fire.
  • How did the Hitler Rave Device teach Augus its own name? Why would it have the capability or mechanism to do that?
  • Um, are you bleeding from your nose, Augus?
    • Eh, whatever. It’s probably not a life-threatening aneurysm. You can go.
  • Man, it’s a good thing this 200-year-old retinal projector is working perfectly fine after 200 years of rust, neglect, and a complete lack of maintenance.
  • “Kudelia” actually asks if the protagonist of an anime with 25 planned episodes can win a minor skirmish in its second episode.
    • Gee, “Kudelia,” I dunno. The odds sure seemed stacked against him.
      • It’s so suspenseful.
  • Biscuit spouts cliche Japanese nonsense that hasn’t inspired anyone since 1989 and basically amounts to stating the obvious.
  • The English in this opening sequence is so goddamn stupid.
    • When did this become a trend in Japan? Having Japanese bands hire some hack English writer to scrawl out incoherent gobbledygook and collect a check?
      • “All misleads they give ignoring our decisions.”
      • “Killing yourself your soul we have inside.”
      • Notice how the only female characters visible are not only outnumbered just by the male extras 10-1, but are also all in supporting roles.
        • Would be nice to have a FEMALE LEAD GUNDAM PILOT sometime in the next two hundred years.
          • At least “Lieutenant” Noin was shown to be a kinda-competent Mobile Suit pilot in an anime from TWENTY YEARS AGO.
  • And now back to the combat. I wonder who’s going to win.
  • The scared n00bie pilot is freaking out over here or something.
    • WE RUSHED IN WITH BAD INTELLIGENCE AND NOW IT’S COMING BACK TO BITE US IN THE ASS. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE WHAAAAA.
  • Calm down, Ein. (Thanks for telling me his name again.) You haven’t seen Orlis’ body yet. I’m sure it’s quite possible he’s still alive.
  • Man, it’s a good thing this ragtag group of underfunded child laborers had the proper fuel to make this 200-year-old Hitler Race Race Revolution Machine move.
  • “NIGASU NNA!”
    • Oh, so terrifying: it’s a line that every anime character in combat ever has uttered in indignant rage. The suspense grips me.
  • Let me guess: Crank, a veteran with a machine that is 200 years newer and who has far more combat experience, is about to be crushed by the 12-year-old kid with the Hitler Karaoke Machine.
  • Um. WAIT. IS AUGUS USING HUMAN SHIELDS? HA.
    • That Hitler Xbox sure doesn’t waste time, does it?
      • I am losing my shit.
  • Sigh, Ein charges in recklessly and protests that this highly reckless attack will somehow do something even though it clearly won’t.
    • Ein, how does it feel to be a one-dimensional character with a highly predictable character arc?
      • Must be quite the existential experience, I’d warrant.
        • Maybe you should find another job that doesn’t crush both body and soul.
          • Like at Wal-Mart.
  • Of course, they’re both magically on the same radio frequency.
    • Sunrise, go fuck yourself and jump in a frozen lake.
  • 20 seconds of pressing against each other’s weapons. Yawn.
  • Crank is surprised to find a child piloting a Mobile Suit after attacking an installation he knows is filled with children.
    • I can scarcely imagine how Crank will react when he finds out that water is wet. He might have a heart attack.
      • Nobody tell him.
  • Augus is talking about slaughtering them all.
    • Um, Sunrise? Is this supposed to be profound? Because it’s just horrifying.
  • “I AM LOSING BY STRENGTH.” -Crank
    • These subbers suck my balls.
      • What native English speaker would EVER say that?
        • Hey, here’s an idea: “HOW IS HE OVERPOWERING ME?”
          • Put me on this subbing team, for Christ’s sake.
  • “WHAT GREAT REACTION SPEED.” -Crank
    • Can you guess what Japanese word started that sentence?
      • HMMMM.
        • Could it be…なんて?
          • NOOOO. NO WAY.
            • I, being in no way fluent in Japanese, could script an anime episode with little effort.
  • WTF. THE GUNDAM IS RUNNING OUT OF FUEL.
    • HOLY SHIT, LOGISTICS EXISTS IN THIS UNIVERSE.
      • MY SOUL IS REVIVED. PRAISE BE THE LORD MARS.
  • “Yamagi” has a bowl-cut of golden hair.
    • I could accept maybe one or two of these guys having Japanese surnames by sheer chance. Not five, six, or EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
      • Are we sure Sunrise also isn’t running a Hitler Karaoke Booth at its HQ? Someone go get a SWAT team and sort that shit out.
  • Oh dear, a bit of incompetence leads to Augus running out of fuel mid-battle. Not the sheer difficulties of a 200-year-old war machine even being compatible with modern fuel.
  • Man, it’s a good thing Augus has all this time for these two retards to spasm comically  about how they can’t do their fucking jobs.
  • If its thrusters don’t have fuel, how can it move?
    • Like, what’s the energy source allowing it to run around the battlefield like that? It has to be coming from somewhere.
      • The souls of small children? Does the Hitler Disco Party draw energy from them? I’m more willing to accept that than anything else I’ve seen so far.
  • Ein somehow received a shoulder wound through no discernible chain of events.
    • And is somehow piloting his complex Mobile Suit with one hand on the controls.
      • Sure, Sunrise.
  • Crank’s years of experience tell him to retreat at the exact moment when the tactical situation shifts overwhelmingly in his favor.
    • They could seriously just kill Augus right now, but aren’t for some reason.
      • That reason is called bling-bling.
  • Uh, Augus? I think your jugular vein just ruptured.
    • I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’re in good hands with Grandpa Hitler Doll.
  • Meanwhile, the evil Caucasian peeps still haven’t had time to fix their faces.
  • No no, just stand there staring pensively at the Gundam while Augus is bleeding to death inside. He’ll wait.
    • He doesn’t use those nerves anyway. His words.
  • Random female character whose name we don’t even know is driving an impossibly stupid and dangerous one-wheeler truck across the Martian landscape.
  • Oh yeah, she totally heard those two girls shouting at her over the roar of her engine.
    • Nothing in this series makes any goddamn sense.
  • “何?失敗しただと?!”
    • No, seriously, I could go write an episode for Sunrise. Why not?
      • How shocking that such a hastily and ill-conceived mission whose objectives weren’t ever clear in the first place failed miserably.
  • “We lost a third of our soldiers and a Graze.” -Crank
    • Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but I saw Augus kill exactly one person. I guess that technically counts as a “third”, but really? That’s overselling your losses, Crank.
  • “Kudelia” is actually “Kuderia.”
    • I don’t give a fuck. It’s not changing, bitches.
      • Besides, as retarded as “Kudelia” sounds, it still sounds a billion times better than “Kuderia.”
        • No, seriously. Try pronouncing “Kuderia” with an English r-sound.
          • Now you feel bad, don’t you? You should.
  • ”ふざけるな!!”
    • I’m typing up my resume to Sunrise right now. How do you say “To Whom It May Concern” in Japanese?
  • “NANTE KOTO KA?”
    • First-grade literature right here.
      • How did my terrible plan fail so terribly? I must now bristle at the sweat on my brow while clenching my fist on my desk.
        • What a unique and original pose no anime character has ever done before.
  • “Kudelia Aina Bernstein” is apparently also the leader of the Martian independence movement.
    • Uh, two hours ago she was just the daughter of Mars’ leader who wanted to find out about the real world. When did she become the leader of an opposition movement? While she was fixing her insane hair?
  • Huh? Their plan was to assassinate “Kudelia” using clearly-marked Earth security forces and hope the Independence Movement just fizzled out instead of flaring up?
    • These writers haven’t the slightest inkling of how humans or geopolitics actually work.
      • Or anything else, for that matter.
        • Sunrise? More like Sundown.
          • …sorry, that’s all I got.
  • Then Mars would go into further turmoil and hate Earth further…which would accomplish what, exactly?
  • This man is insane. How did he get into a position of power?
  • “WHO CARES IF THEY ARE KIDS?” -Asshole Commander
    • Um, all of humanity.
      • This commander apparently has never heard of the term “PR”.
        • How does slaughtering children out of hand help solidify support against the Martians?
          • Answer: it doesn’t.
            • But this moron is a thrall of the plot, so he must say comically genocidal things just to get things moving instead of having relatable people do relatably tragic things in a tragic conflict.
  • Oh dear, Danji is dead.
    • ….no one cares.
      • Except this guy, for some reason.
        • I don’t care that he’s dead. He went out like a fucking idiot and got himself killed. Boo hoo.
          • And apparently his only defining character trait was that he wanted to die smothered in breasts.
            • ….is that supposed to be funny, Sunrise?
  • Generic First Corps guys all have the same face.
    • I am not kidding.
  • This one Caucasian Devil needs twenty rounds of plastic surgery.
    • He is never passing on his genes, that’s for sure.
  • Some random Italian-looking guy rubs his nostrils with his finger and looks all sheepishly conniving.
    • Yep. Confirmed. Sunrise has a Hitler Playstation.
  • Why is this twelve-year-old girl allowed to drive across a Martian landscape to deliver goods to a rundown military unit?
    • She’s four feet tall and is driving a truck with one wheel in its front. How does that thing even survive a bumpy road?
  • Biscuit has twin sisters named “Cookie” and “Cracker”, neither of whom are fat.
    • ….is that supposed to be funny, Sunrise?
  • Uh, are you expecting me to believe this rundown brigade has a fancy, modern waiting lobby?
    • Seriously?
      • I hate this series. I really fucking hate it.
  • Aww, the twin sisters are acting precocious just like all other 妹たち have done in every anime ever.
  • Oh, her name is Atra. Only took 45 minutes of total screen time to say it once.
    • But they have all the wherewithal to say every male character’s name every two seconds just to make sure the audience doesn’t forget.
      • It’s fucking insulting.
  • “Where’s Mikazuki?” -Atra
    • Oh, nowhere. Just suffering a brain hemorrhage in a place with no medical facilities.
      • Wait, he couldn’t cut the link to the Hitler Goat Simulator while Augus was unconscious and the system was off…?
        • He had to turn it back on just to disconnect it?
          • …….
            • I have no words.
  • Poor you, Crank. Your attack on child soldiers cost you one casualty while slaughtering 110 of the other side.
    • What a “crushing” defeat.
  • Atra has an unrequited relationship with Augus.
    • 10 points to Gryffindor for originality.
  • Suddenly “Kudelia,” who two hours ago was just a girl trying to find out the truth of the world, is speaking to the United Nations and conveniently explaining Mars’ cosmopolitical setup that has lasted since the Calamity War.
    • Apparently Earth is divided into four economic blocs…?
      • And this division is what caused Mars to be poor.
        • …okay. That makes little sense on its face.
    • And this setup has caused lots of children to die.
      • Because Mars has a developed industrial economy but also has a high birthrate somehow?
        • …no.
    • Oh, I get it. This is supposed to tie in with the “Iron-Blooded Orphans” title.
      • They honestly want us to believe that Mars is a planet populated mainly by children
        • It’s not happening, Sunrise.
  • “Kudelia’s” stupid hair offends my soul.
    • She has the gall to lecture Earth on how children are dying, but consumes more hairspray than an entire city.
      • And now she blames herself for all this…?
        • Why? She had nothing to do with it at all.
  • Fumitan returns.
    • “Where have you been?”
    • “Hiding like a smart person, you stupid bitch.”
  • Norman Bernstein wants his daughter back.
    • I wonder if “Kudelia” will defy his wishes.
      • Oh look, “Kudelia” just defied his wishes.
  • “This trip to Earth was supposed to be done in secrecy.” -Kudelia
    • Funny how every single person on Mars knew about it somehow.
      • And how would you keep a 5-month journey to represent a planet a secret anyhow? What would the point of that be?
  • I, “Kudelia,” having just nearly died in a horrific attack involving the massacre of innocent children, must now refuse safety until I can “confirm” some vague philosophical goal and develop my character a millimeter forward into well-traveled territory.
    • Fumitan, get me some more hairspray.
  • CAN WE HAVE ONE FEMALE PROTAGONIST IN AN ANIME THAT IS CONFIDENT ABOUT THEMSELVES FOR ONCE?
    • MY GOD.
  • Augus has the balls to cut her off.
    • But only to lecture her about looking down on his nakama-tachi or something. Because reasons.
      • This is anime at its lowest and most cliche.
  • GENERIC SHOCKED LOOK OF REACTION.
  • Now it’s time to pontificate about how ignorant she is for five more minutes.
    • HER HAIR IS WIDER THAN HER ENTIRE BODY.
      • OH, HIS EYES. THOSE EYES WERE SO FIERCE AND DEFIANT.
        • TAKE ME AND DEFLOWER ME, AUGUS.
  • I want these twins to die impaled on a rusted metal girder.
    • “Kudelia,” for her part, can die drenched in hairspray with a burning match tossed on top of her.
  • The evil thugs appropriately look like thugs.
    • Mr. Caucasian Devil still needs his teeth and/or cheeks fixed.
  • Why are any of these people afraid of Lupin IV? He’s obviously a complete shitbag who tried to abandon them in the middle of battle and they know it.
    • Why don’t they just call him on his shit? They just saved their asses. You really think anyone in the unit besides Lupin IV’s little cowardly cadre will support him?
  • “あいつらゆるせねえ!”
    • Cliche line #96874635213654698745.
  • Oh wait, they’re actually talking about doing something. Finally something mildly engaging might happen.
    • “I did, but in this sort of situation?” -Eugene
      • You mean the one where they just tried to leave you all for dead and then beat your leader to a bloody pulp for standing his ground and doing his job?
        • It sounds like the perfect time to take over. Eugene was willing to suggest a coup when everything seemed peachy. Why is he getting cold feet now, of all times?
  • By the way, I still don’t know what “CGS” stands for.
  • You know, if Maruba and the First Corps were such scum, it begs the question as to why these guys have put up with this shit for so long in the first place.
  • Or(l)ga is the distant ancestor of Trowa Barton or something.
    • Or(l)ga, the second-most prolific hairspray consumer in the Mars Sphere.
      • Also this scene’s Exposition Maestro.
  • “We’re human debris.” -Akihiro
    • As if any Japanese viewer would know off the top of their heads what “Hyuuman Debburi” means.
      • And he declares he’ll mindlessly obey whoever’s in charge instead of, you know, taking charge.
        • What a memorable character.
  • Or(l)ga forgot about Augus, the guy who is probably still bleeding to death somewhere.
  • MEANWHILE, AT THE HALLS OF JUSTICE.
    • Ein’s only redeeming quality is his delicious pecs.
      • Magical cartoon bandages heal all injuries.
    • Crank seriously intends to go back and fight the people who just kicked his ass all by his lonesome.
      • Good on him. I hope he fucking dies.
  • Crank babbles on about soldiers and disgrace, forgetting that he just killed 110 children.
    • OOOOOPS.
  • “I don’t want to fight.” -Crank
    • So don’t fight.
      • “But if I have no choice but to fight…”
        • So just run away and don’t fight. I honestly don’t see what’s the dilemma, Crank.
  • Augus is apathetically fatalistic.
    • Meh. I don’t care either.
  • Blah blah blah, gambare, blah blah blah.
  • “But if it’s something you decided, I’ll do it.” -Augus
    • Ummm….what if it involves killing all the Jews?
      • Oh wait, no, you’re cool with that already.
  • Great. These fuckwits showed up.
    • “Specialist Major” Fareed and “Specialist Major” Bauduin.
      • Anaphylactic shock, here I come.
  • MWA HA HA, I AM MAJOR CORAL AND I LOOK LIKE THE LOVECHILD OF ALEC BALDWIN AND CLAUDE FROLLO. BO HA HA HA HA.
    • LOOK AT HOW EVIRU AND GROVORINGU I AM.
  • Oh gee, the highfalutin Specialist Majors (as if that’s a rank somewhere) interrupt Major Coral in order to establish their imposing will of character.
    • No one’s ever done that before.
  • KATAKANA CREDIT BARRAGE GOOOOOOOOOOOO.
  • ….is that a cross explosion?
    • Hideki Anno is gonna sue somebody.
  • Look at all these children climbing unaided on this five-story-tall war machine.
    • It’s totally not dangerous.
  • “Kudelia’s” hair is taller than the cornstalks in this frame.
    • Burn the corn. Burn the land.

Retrocaustic: Code Geass – Episode 5

Code Geass is stupid. But how stupid? Let’s find out together.

SILLY.ARABS

Very authentic Arabs.

Episode V – Blessed Be The Maker and His Hatred

  • Code Geass provides us with proof that lands outside of Japan actually exist.
  • It’s a desert battle over flat, open sand-dunes, except no defender would fight in such conditions. They’d choose a fortified position.
    • Why are those tanks so close together? Tanks don’t fight in such tight formations. No one does.
      • Why are those tanks so weird? That’s the most bizarre construction I’ve seen so far. Does it provide some sort of advantage when fighting on sandy sand?
  • “GLOUCESTERS?” – Asshole that’s about to die
    • How on EARTH could we have expected the Britannimericanns to use weapons platforms that have had six previous generations of development?
      • Inconceivable. Not even the Prophet could have seen this coming.
  • Of course they’re wearing traditional Arab head-garments and robes in the middle of combat. They’re Arabs. It’s not like Arabs wear normal military uniforms in battle conditions. It simply wouldn’t be possible to convey to the Japanese viewer that these might be Arabs without resorting to lazy stereotypes.
    • Fucking racists.
  • “Serupham” is not an actual place. It just just sounds vaguely Semitic. In fact, it sounds reaaaaaaaaaally Jewish.
    • Friends don’t let Japanese friends depict other cultures.
  • These Knightmares are painted fucking purple against white desert sand. How are they being surprised by them? A blind kangaroo rat could’ve seen them two thousand miles away in fucking Australia.
    • And why are they wearing capes? Is that supposed to protect against the sand? Because this is a sandy place in a sandy part of the Middle East and the Middle East is only filled with sandy sand dunes filled with sand?
      • Do they put fucking capes on tanks when they go into battle in the Middle East? Is that what they do? Because it’s a desert?
        • Fucking racists.
  • Wait, wait. “Fake Knightmares?” How are these giant, impractical weapons platforms that are, like, ten times the size of Knightmares and bear absolutely no resemblance to them in form or function “Fake Knightmares?”
    • Oh wait. My bad.
  • And there’s a random-ass golden-domed mosque on the hill there, just in case you had survived your previous violent encounter with this massive anvil.
    • Can you guess where Carmen Sandiego might be? I think we have some clues.
  • Why is Cornelia’s giant Knightmare standing majestically and wreathed in flames? The mosque wasn’t even that big. Where are its remains? Did they drop a fucking nuke on it?
  • “Impossible! One unit did all this!” -Very Arab Guy
    • No, it didn’t. There are at least three other Knightmares running around. Why would you pick those to be your last words on this earth? They aren’t even factually correct.
  • WHY IS HER KNIGHTMARE WEARING A CAPE? WHAT FUNCTION DOES IT SERVE?
    • Man, it must be hot in that getup. Explain to me why Cornelia li Britannia is wearing a corset while piloting a massive war machine in the middle of an equatorial desert.
  • “We’ve done it. Area 18 has been established.” -Cornelia li Britannia
    • Oh, so that’s it, huh. You blew up three weird machines and a mosque and defeated the entire Middle East.
      • Sure.
        • Okay.
          • Someone go give George Bush a ring. Tell him how easy that was.
  • And now they’re just randomly heading off to Japan. Like, right now.
    • “Hey guys, we’re done here. Time for Japanimation.”
    • “Huh? We’ve been here for less than five minutes. Shouldn’t we kinda stay around for a bit and set up a provincial government? Or deal with local militias–“
    • “DON’T INTERRUPT MY JAPANIMATION TIME, TERRY.”
      • “Also, I seem to be suffering from massive heatstroke in this corset. Could be problem.”
  • That viewscreen is showing her still standing in the fire. Was the mosque filled with oil barrels or something? Is that it?
    • Or are they fighting a raid boss now?
  • “Area 11 won’t be as easy as our usual assignments.” Cornelia li Britannia
    • How do you know that?
      • No, seriously, how do you know that? Japan has been been conquered and suppressed for almost a decade. How is it harder than conquering the entire Middle East?
        • It sounds like fucking vacation to me.
          • “I agree, milady.” -Random Asshole
            • Someone has a lot of brown on his nose.
  • Ooh, I guess Cornelia is supposed to be threatening because she’s…mean or something?
    • Look at that hair. I sure hope it doesn’t catch on any of the extremely sensitive equipment in this very cramped cockpit.
      • Are they ever going to bother showing these people wearing vaguely practical clothing, or is Sunrise going to keep throwing whole libraries of Abercrombie & Fitch catalogs at us?
        • What’s that, Abercrombie? You’ll pay me how much? Well, all my objections have suddenly vanished.
          • Ka-ching.
  • Meanwhile, thousands of miles away at the luxurious Palace of the Ashfords, Louis XIV turns in his grave out of furious envy.
  • These fucking automatic doors are everywhere.
    • Is this school’s budget one trillion double dollars?
  • C.C. scares the shit out of Lelouch. It’s funny.
  • Wait, so, um, explain to me how Nunnally is casually accepting this random green-haired girl who sneaked up on her in her own house in the middle of the night?
    • Wouldn’t that be, oh, I don’t know, a trigger of some kind?
      • Might resemble a vaguely similar event that happened in the past to Nunnally…
        • You know, a highly traumatic one…
          • …………………….
  • Yes, that’s all Nunnally is worried about. This “Zero” guy she heard about on TV. Not the complete stranger who infiltrated her house and is now drinking her tea.
    • I’d say at least ten thousand psychologists would jump at the chance to study Nunnally Lamperouge and her very disturbed cranium.
  • “Shi-tsuu.” I always loved how C.C.’s name is a homonym for a dog breed.
    • It’s so topically misogynist.
  • “You have such an odd friend here. Imagine, only going by her initials!” -Nunnally Lamperouge
    • Wow. That’s right. It is a little odd. In fact, it sounds reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally fake. Which begs the question why you took her into your house and served her tea and crumpets instead of calling the fucking police.
      • Nunnally actually believes “gullible” is not in the dictionary.
  • Nunnally presumes that this mysterious woman with the obviously fake name that she’s never seen or heard of before is Lelouche’s girlfriend.
    • I keep asking myself how lazy the writers in this show will get. I never learn my lesson, and I never will. I can never forgive them for the death of my son.
  • C.C. says really weird stuff that any normal person would find incredibly suspect.
    • How did I know Nunnally would presume C.C. was talking about marriage? It’s like these writers are five years old.
  • C.C. continues to act like a vicious witch, but Nunnally can’t pick up on any of this.
    • “I hate jokes.” -C.C, the most mischievous character in the series by far.
  • Nunnally has the insight of a wet brick.
    • She doesn’t even pick up on the very obvious sounds of her brother dragging a woman into another room.
      • Better hope an actual burglar doesn’t come visit Nunnally, cause she’s fucked then.
        • Apparently anyone can infiltrate this school with one hand tied behind their backs, even though Sayoko, their maid, is later shown to be a fucking ninja.
  • Why is that crane rocking back and forth like that? It’s like it’s a pendulum or something. Are these writers completely unfamiliar with the physical properties of paper?
    • I guess they know as much about paper as they do about the Middle East.
      • Or Arabs.
        • Or military combat.
          • Or character development.
            • Or continuity.
              • Or font formatting.
  • Lelouch just leaves Nunnally to clean up the mess. What an asshole.
    • He also jumps straight to violence against women, but this is Japan, so it’s perfectly acceptable.
  • Lelouch is surprised that the girl who magically spoke to him via telepathy and gave him magical powers was able to survive a bullet to the head.
    • Right after MSGT survived a bullet to the spine.
      • Has Lelouch been paying any attention to the behavior of this universe?
  • Lelouch vi Britannia wants us to believe his bullshit about having a “schedule”, as if he’s been carefully planning the destruction of the Holy Britannia(n) Empire in his head all this time.
    • After all, destroying a superpower is in the same category as time management and disciplined studying for Calculus II.
      • Which begs another question: what would Lelouch have done had he not ran into C.C. and attained magical powers? Are we supposed to believe his plan was still viable without that?
        • Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
  • Also, why did he say “schedule?” Does the Japanese language not have a word for schedule?
    • According to Google Translate, it does. Behold:
      • 予定
      • 計画, Aizen Sousuke and Light Yagami’s favorite word.
      • 時刻表
      • 一覧表
      • 時間割
      • And it goes on.
        • Let me guess: they wanted to use “schedule” to make it sound more dramatic. Shakespeare would be proud.
  • Never mind there’s no way Lelouch’s retarded “schedule” could’ve been remotely practical or that it completely contradicts his lackadaisical mindset that was presented to us at the beginning of the series.
    • Think about it from a literary standpoint. Lelouch was in a nadir of ennui then. That’s what makes his encounter with C.C. and all these events significant: Lelouch did not have a plan and was resigned to his ignominious fate as a normal high-school student. Spinning some ridiculous tale about how Lelouch has been planning the destruction of Britannia in his noggin this whole time just to make him seem more like a “genius” completely ruins his character.
      • I would pay mounds of cold, hard cash to see Code Geass and all its fucktitude analyzed in a college writing course.
        • That would be awesome.
  • That is a fucking stupid shirt, Lelouch.
  • Man, it’s a good thing the Palace of the Ashfords has fucking soundproof walls, otherwise it might be dangerous to talk about such incredibly sensitive matters in Lelouch’s room right after Lelouch and C.C. acted incredibly suspicious in front of Nunnally.
    • Nah, Nunnally probably went back to watching Blues Clues.
  • “I’d intended to do it [destroy Britannia] without this power.” -Lelouch vi Britannia
      • Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
  • “Just as I’d expected. This guy’s fascinating…” -C.C.
    • Real C.C. would have said this: “Holy crap, this punk is a deluded shithead. I’m out of here.”
  • C.C. brushes off the threat of the military as harmless. It’s just a “small part” of the military that involves the Third Prince.
    • And the Emperor.
      • And another psychotic weirdo with magical powers just like her.
        • And a facility with hundreds of people with Geass powers.
          • “Small” means something else in Japanese, I guess.
            • Hmm. No. It’s right here. 短い. Means “small.”
              • Huh.
                • Excuse me while I go shoot myself.
  • “Just hiding normally should be enough.” – C.C.
    • Yes, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s not like this school is literally in sight of the capitol complex.
      • Better hope V.V. isn’t there randomly to investigate these blatantly Geass-influenced events and just looks outside the window to his left.
        • Shooting myself seems to have failed. I must try again with larger bullets.
  • Why does C.C. even need to sleep? She’s immortal.
  • And she just disrobes right in front of him. We can assume, however, that Lelouch did not get a boner, because he has no penis to begin with.
  • Lelouch rambles on about what’s convenient for him as he rises over a barely covered C.C. in the missionary position.
    • Okay, maybe he does have a penis after all.
      • Oh my God…I hate this show.
  • Lelouch, in a fit of logical pique, demands answers to very reasonable questions. C.C. declines to give him any, probably because there aren’t any.
  • In this universe, it takes about three seconds for the sun to rise.
  • “Biglobe News.”
    • In this universe, the very same corporation developed in Japan. Just like Pizza Hut.
      • Ka-ching.
  • Cecile mentions that there have been seven other attacks since Zero appeared…which was literally last night.
    • Continuity’s ghost is demanding vengeance. Again.
      • However, I have learned that if you toss him a bag of Doritos and a laptop with Netflix, he just drifts off into a stupor for hours.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald is suffering the consequences of his actions.
    • I don’t know how this is possible.
      • Fuck literal time travel. I can handle that. Why are they punishing him now after all the other stupid shit he did?
  • Lloyd and Cecile are babbling on about stuff that makes no sense. Yawn.
  • Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back to the very Japanese people who haven’t changed their Japanese clothes in five days. They must reek of udon and tofu, which I can assume is all they eat. Because they’re Japanese.
    • Hey, if the writers can do it, I can do it too. Everything is fair game now.
  • “The Britannians are in chaos, thanks to Zero!” -Random Japanese Asshole
    • It has been less than twelve hours. How on earth is the entire administration of Japan in chaos after the appearance of one person who did nothing but rescue someone? He didn’t blow up the capitol building or anything.
  • Something about the Gurken Mk-II and Kyoto and…whatever.
    • Where is this fancy Japanese palace even located? Why aren’t they meeting in a highly fortified and practical location? Look at those flimsy walls and all that wasted space.
      • No, we have to sit through another shitty scene because these prick writers insist on telling us these guys are Japanese. WE GET THE MESSAGE, YOU FUCKS.
  • Wait, why wouldn’t Toudou ally with Zero? Isn’t that a good thing? To get on-board with someone who (somehow) has the world’s attention right now? How is that a bad thing for your cause?
  • In Moogle…wait, I’m sorry. In Biglobe, which paid lots of money for this plug, Lelouch searches for “Suzaku.” Just “Suzaku.” Not “Suzaku Kururugi.” No other specifying search parameters. Just “Suzaku.”
    • I hope nobody else or nothing else in Japan or Japanese history is named “Suzaku.”
      • Liiiike….
        • A major constellation.
        • A film.
        • Two Japanese emperors.
        • A video game developer.
        • A major street.
        • Multiple characters in fiction….
    • But of course the search is successful. Are we sure Lelouch’s magical powers are confined to the Geass?
      • That shit is sorcery. Pure fucking sorcery.
  • Lelouch notes, unironically, that C.C. is an asshole.
    • Also, there is a chessboard in this room. The exact same chessboard that noble was using Episode 1, with the exact same chess pieces Lelouch found in a random, scorched corner of the Shinjuku ghetto.
      • Apparently, in this parallel universe there is exactly one chessboard manufacturer, and they are some lazy motherfuckers.
        • But no, Pizza Hut is exactly the same. In fact, C.C. is eating some delicious Pizza Hut Pizza right now. Wouldn’t it be nice to have some juicy Pizza Hut Pizza right now? Get any toppings and two medium pizzas for $6.99.
          • Mmm, I love money.
            • I mean, pizza. Pizza.
  • C.C. tells Lelouch not to answer her if he doesn’t want to. However, the writers know they have to explain some of this horseshit before the fans catch on, so he obliges for no other reason.
  • “Orange was just something I made up.” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Lol, yeah. That’s the only thing made-up in this series. Pbbbbbth ha ha ha ha ha.
  • Speaking of made-up things, let’s move onto these magazines. It’s time for some lovely Engrish.
    • SILLY.ZERO-MAGAZINE
      • What the fuck?
        • I don’t get it. I don’t.
          • How do you pull off “Viceregal Offices Discuss More Stringent Security Measures to Counter Terrorism”, but fuck up something so simple as “Newsmagazine?”
            • These people need to take a font-formatting class. It’s a matter of national security.
              • Not that “Eleven or Japan? Colony Administration Questioned” or “Margrave Jeremiah and the Heavy Price of Orange Suspicions” make much sense.
                • My brain is broken.
  • “The whole world’s looking for you.” -C.C.
    • No, it’s not. Zero has appeared once in Japan and no one has any clue what he’s about. I’m pretty sure nobody in Europe or Africa or Asia or even Britannimerica itself know who the fuck Zero is or care.
      • “Because of you, the world is moving.”
        • This show has its head so far up its ass, it’s seeing this morning’s pizza slices.
  • Lelouch’s grand plan is to thrust the world into even more chaos, costing many innocent lives and inflicting horrible suffering on innocent people.
    • Ra ra, Lelouch.
  • Hey, it’s Mount Fuji. I wonder where this scene is located. Maybe Thailand.
  • MSGT is cleared of all charges due to “lack of evidence”, despite the incredibly corrupt justice system that had in its possession the gun used to murder Clovis with MSGT’s fingerprints on it and the inexplicable inadmissibility of the ten thousand reams of evidence proving him innocent. Why? Because a crazy terrorist said otherwise on national TV. Well, that settles that.
    • Here you go, MSGT. Accept these complimentary Pizza Hut coupons as an apology.
      • The plot always gets what it wants.
  • Did Euphemia li Britannia just pop into existence from four stories up wearing a heavy dress and MSGT’s malnourished arms catch her like she was a down pillow?
    • The Laws of Physics are all sitting in a corner together, drinking scotch and listening to “Piano Man.”
  • “Um, you aren’t hurt, are you?” -Suzaku Kururugi
    • You should be asking yourself that, MSGT. More specifically, your broken forearms.
      • And what a stupid question. It’s not like she jumped from a height from which no human could land without suffering horrible injuries or anything.
  • “Forgive me! I didn’t think there was anyone below me!” Euphemia li Britannia
    • Then how did you plan on surviving? That is pure concrete they’re standing on.
      • Oh, she’s been chased. Good thing nobody seems to be actually chasing her. She is being chased by imaginary people.
        • Euphemia li Britannia is completely bonkers. Just like everyone else on this show.
  • The Purebloods are talking about something that nobody cares about and acting like Cornelia wouldn’t have just replaced them anyway regardless of what they did or did not do.
    • They seem to be perplexed by how none of these events make any sense whatsoever. Life has much more in store for them.
      • If only someone knowledgeable would inform the military that people with magical mind-fucking powers exist. That seems like a very relevant fact that the military should know about.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald was clearly a rapacious asshole before all this happened, but people are just questioning his actions now?
    • It’s like everyone in the colonial administration of Japan attended a massive LSD rave and are all just now coming down from the sweet high.
  • Hmm, if only General Bartley had told the military what he knew about these magical girls and their magical powers. That would have, I dunno, completely cleared his name and ruined Lelouch’s plans in an instant.
  • Hey, Villetta. Maybe you should talk to someone about this extremely troubling and bizarre pattern of highly convenient memory loss. It might be important.
    • Also, why can’t Villetta remember what happened with Lelouch? Lelouch didn’t specify in his order for her to forget everything about him. I can understand her forgetting about actually handing over her Knightmare to him, but not her forgetting the three minutes of interaction she had with the innocent “Alan Spacer” beforehand.
      • Oh, these writers are just making shit up as they go along? You don’t say. J.J. Abrams must be mentoring them.
  • Euphemia li Britannia is being “chased” by “people”, so of course MSGT takes her to an open square in the middle of broad daylight and walks calmly at a pace of exactly 0.3 miles per hour.
  • MSGT does not suspect that “Euphy” just might be “Princess Euphemia,” whose face and arrival was undoubtedly all over the news.
    • Particularly after she reveals she knows exactly who he is.
  • MSGT finally catches onto the fact that Euphemia isn’t being chased by anyone, but he sure didn’t seem to give a shit beforehand.
  • Oh, I get it. Euphemia is nice and sweet and kind. Mmm hmmm.
    • Can you say “moar tragedy bait”?
  • That is a fucking loud cat meow. It’s like it has a loudspeaker in its lungs somewhere.
  • The wild, feral cat bites MSGT. Oh well, who cares about rabies. Let’s go look at this traffic light that has blue bulbs instead of green ones.
    • Because it’s Japan. It’s not like the Britannimericans would adopt their own infrastructural conventions after conquering a nation or anything.
      • Fucking racists.
  • Why are Cecile and Lloyd traveling in a massive weapons platform? Why not just go pick up MSGT in a normal car like normal fucking people?
  • “They had no evidence [to convict Suzaku].” -Lloyd Asplund
    •  Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
      • That doctored gun Jeremiah Gottwald showed MSGT sure seemed like “evidence.”
  • Why weren’t MSGT and Euphemia in the frame beforehand? I should note the car Armored Personnel Carrier that Lloyd and Cecile are in is facing the direction MSGT came from, and the frame clearly showed a long section of the oncoming sidewalk. They were only talking for about four seconds. So why did they just suddenly appear out of nowhere?
    • And that’s another bag of Doritos sacrificed to sate the ravaging ghost of continuity. Such a cheap price for such wonders.
  • Does nobody in the Holy Britannia(n) Empire keep track of the Third Princess of Britannia right after the Third Prince of Britannia was assassinated under mysterious conditions?
  • “Unrequited love is the mark of a kind person.” -Euphemia li Britannia, MD in Psychology
    • I want to slap Euphemia in the face and send her back to medical school, where she belongs.
  • MSGT takes the Third Princess of Britannia on a shopping trip just after being released from custody due to being suspected of killing the Third Prince of Britannia. Absolutely nobody in the Holy Britannia(n) Empire gives a shit about this either.
    • [sobs internally]
  • Look at how rich the city of the imperialist bastards is.
  • What, are they communicating via telepathy now?
  • LOL, Lloyd and Cecile are inconspicuously stalking these two in a massive APC and not one person seems to give two fucks about it either. Everyone is on drugs. EVERYONE.
  • “Su-NEWS.”
    • Is that a reference to something stupid? It sure seems like it.
  • “JAV11.”
    • The fuck does that mean?
      • Do these animators just insert random numbers and letters into the frame to make things look cool?
  • The regicide suspect is now being allowed to take the Third Princess of Britannia to a violent ghetto that was just subjected to untold destruction.
    • Logic has joined the Laws of Physics, nursing their sorrows over a bottle of warm sake.
  • I need to eat something that is not Pizza Hut.
  • Lelouch is searching about information about himself on his very un-chic laptop.
    • It’s a good thing the Holy Britannia(n) Empire does not monitor the Internet.
  • Why did Kallen Statdfeld’s Derriere say “bathroom”? Does the Japanese language not have a word for “bathroom”?
    • What does Moogle say? We wonders, we wonders…
      • 浴室
      • トイレ
        • Both of which are more common than バスルーム.
  • I like how KSD just presumes the bathroom phone had Caller ID. Why wouldn’t the Palace of the Ashfords have magical bathroom phones with Caller ID on them? It does make sense, as much as it pains me to say.
  • Lelouch casually reveals that the call she got from Zero came from inside the school. Wow. He’s pretty free with such critical information.
  • C.C. hates jokes, but she sure loves fucking with Lelouch.
  • Lelouch handles this situation in the worst way possible: kissing Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere.
    • No, not literally. That would be interesting.
      • And of course Shirley is right there at that exact moment.
        • C.C. must be loving this.
  • Bartley is being flown back to Britannimerica in a ridiculous restraining contraption.
  • C.C. has no concept of “operational security.” She’s also wearing Lelouch’s shirt. Awwwkward.
    • Does she honestly think none of the other students would pick up on the fact that they’ve never seen her before?
  • Lelouch tests his magical power on a girl, forcing her to go to the same spot at the school at the same time every day for the rest of her life. Exactly how much would that fuck her up?
    • This much:
      • SILLY.OBAMA-THIS-MUCH
  • Wait. Lelouch seems to call the power “Geass” on a whim. C.C. seems to act like she’s never heard of that term before, but everyone else who knows about Geass would be using it anyway. So how did Lelouch arrive at precisely that term as well? Did he look it up on Moogle–I mean, Biglobe?
  • Lelouch has zero qualms about testing his magical powers on innocent people.
    • Ra ra, Lelouch.
  • Why does Lelouch says “specs”? Does the Japanese language not have a word for “specifications?”
    • Oh Moooooooooooooooooogle, darling.
      • 仕様
        • It’s right there.
          • You lazy fucks.
  • I’m sure nobody will notice the mysterious girl with long, flowing neon-green hair talking with Lelouch on the rooftop.
  • “I won’t do anything to endanger us.” -C.C.
    • Except this.
      • And that.
        • And that other thing.
          • No, I’ll just endanger us constantly and nothing will happen because PLOT.
  • SHINJUKU GHETTO IS SAD.
    • There’s the Tokyo Metropolitan Building Again, except the last time we saw it was standing up perfectly straight and could support the weight of Knightmares.
      • Doritos packet #3.
  • There are lots of graves, just in case you weren’t sad yet.
  • Imperialist Britannimericans are acting like imperialist assholes.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald is still allowed to pilot a Knightmare after two back-to-back incidents in which he fucked everything up while piloting a Knightmare.
  • Villetta threatens these poor comms guys with a fucking rapier. Why? Why not just use a gun?
  • Oh look, it’s Purple Blazer, causing trouble for all mankind.
    • Why are all of these people speaking Japanese? This makes no sense.
  • GASP. SUZAKU LOST HIS SUNGLASSES.
    • THOSE WERE OAKLEYS, YOU SICK BASTARD.
  • Purple Blazer gets his ass kicked. Yay.
    • But he’s right. Suzaku is a traitor in every way, shape, and form.
  • Wait. C.C.’s entire outfit is a one-piece?
    • That’s so fucking stupid I can’t even wrap my head around it.
  • Lelouch’s Geass range is “270 meters.” That’s almost 900 feet, or well over two football fields long.
    • But it still requires “eye contact.”
      • Which isn’t a meaningful concept past a certain distance anyway. Does looking in their general direction count?
        • “It also appears that the subject has no memory of events before, during, or after the power is used.”
          • Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
            • Yes, they do. Geass doesn’t just wipe away their entire life’s memory. Obviously it only blanks out a very limited amount of short-term memory, the limits of which will never be clearly delineated for the convenience of the plot.
    • It also damages the subject’s cerebrum. Wow. What a great and useful power.
  • “My opponent is an empire which controls 1/3 of the entire world. There’s no such thing as being too careful.”
    • Except for the veritable constellation of incredibly reckless and stupid things I’ve done that have put my plan into serious jeopardy already.
  • C.C. rightfully points out that Lelouch’s plan is retarded.
  • Oh God. Here comes the philosophizing.
    • “Is it bad to be weak?” -Suzaku Kururugi
      • No, not inherently, but it does kinda suck.
  • MSGT is intent on breaking the cycle of hatred by fighting under the banner of a malicious, bloodthirsty, racist, expansionist, genocidal imperial power.
    • Ra ra, Suzaku.
      • And now he wants to create a world without war. See above.
  • Lelouch essentially states that the only way to win is by winning, regardless of who the victor is.
    • Ra ra, Lelouch.
  • MSGT doesn’t want his father’s death to be in vain, so he’ll fight under the banner of the malicious, bloodthirsty, racist, expansionist, genocidal imperial power that conquered his father’s country.
    • Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald was ambushed like an idiot. One wonders how he managed to become a “margrave” in the first place.
  • How will brutally killing Jeremiah Gottwald in cold blood wipe away your disgrace? That’s a very Japanese way of thinking, Mr. Britannimerican.
    • Very Japanese, indeed.
      • Hey, is this show being written by Japanese people?
  • “This is how we deal with the traitors among us!” -Lord Kewell
    • The Holy Britannia(n) Empire could not have conquered a nursery rhyme book, let alone a developed country, with this level of incompetence.
  • How did MSGT and Euphemia not notice the giant APC following them in around in broad daylight this whole time?
  • Lloyd is such a lovable asshole. He’s about the only likable character on this show.
  • It’s really convenient how MSGT not only presumes they brought the Lancelot with them in this random APC for some reason, but that he turns out to be right.
    • It’s almost like this was all planned out ahead of time.
      • Like with a script. Or something.
  • MSGT is going to jump headlong into a combat situation that he knows absolutely nothing about, regardless of any innocent bystanders that might be bystanding about.
  • Now we have to wonder why Jeremiah Gottwald isn’t dead yet. How long does it take four Knightmares to destroy one? They keel over from the slightest gust of wind whenever its convenient, but now Jeremiah Gottwald’s Sutherland is suddenly more resilient than carbon-nanofiber steel.
    • Consistency has now joined Logic and the Laws of Physics in the corner. They’re breaking out a karaoke machine.
  • “Don’t worry, Jeremiah. We’ll say you died in battle.” -Lord Kewell
    • Do you honestly think anyone will buy the excuse that Jeremiah Gottwald happened to die in a battle that nobody else participated in?
  • Why isn’t Jeremiah dead yet? WHY? HOW DO YOU SUCK SO BAD?
    • And what the fuck does this little spat have to do with the imperial family?
      • WHY DO NONE OF THESE CHARACTERS HAVE BRAINS?
  • Um. Question. What channel are all these morons broadcasting their comms on? Is it a public one? Because Suzaku just joined in without knowing what frequency they were on.
    • Has anyone at Sunrise ever thought about the logistics of how people piloting giant robots manage to so clearly communicate with each other, even across franchises?
      • No.
  • Yes, thank you for announcing the obvious to us, Jeremiah Gottwald. You’re useful.
    • Legolas wants to date you.
  • I wonder how this incident will be recorded in Britannia’s military records. It’ll probably be hilarious.
  • MSGT babbles on about the battle being “meaningless” when he has no idea what’s going on.
    • Remember. These guys are trying to kill Jeremiah Gottwald, the person who was gleefully trying to execute MSGT literally yesterday.
      • This show is so badly constructed that I can use the word “literally” correctly in every circumstance.
  • What does “MVS” mean? Is it some Engrish monstrosity? I want to know. It is very important.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald rightfully doesn’t understand why MSGT is saving him.
  • Kewell, if you couldn’t kill Jeremiah after ten minutes of dialog, you sure as fuck can’t kill him now.
    • Also, great timing, Villetta. You might have radioed Jeremiah two minutes after you figured out what was going on and just prevented this whole situation from happening.
      • But seriously, Jeremiah’s glad you’re here.
  • Holy shit, Kewell just throws this horrific weapon of mass shrapnel at them without thinking about it.
    • It’s a good thing MSGT’s magical shields are invincible and protect Euphemia’s body from the ten zillion pieces of shrapnel flying at her from every angle.
  • No. Seriously. How did Euphemia just survive that without a scratch?
    • The same way she fell from a four story window without breaking anything.
      • The Laws of Physics just hammed that note hard. They’re singing “Hallelujah.”
  • So, Kewell. How are you going to whitewash almost killing the Third Princess of Britannia?
  • Everyone is surprised at the Third Princess of Britannia being among them, probably because they don’t know how to keep track of their own royal family members.
    • Hmm, Kewell, maybe you were right. These people do need saving.
  • Oh, sure, Lloyd. Euphemia isn’t well-known because she’s a student and has never been seen in public before.
    • Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuullshiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
  • Why does Euphemia have the gall to compare MSGT’s father to a genocidal bastard like Clovis?
    • That’s a paddling, Euphemia.
  • There’s Cornelia, finally. Not that anyone really cares.
    • Also, why does she call Cornelia “Onee-sama”?
      • Here we go again.
  • That’s a fucking stupid outfit, Cornelia. You have no peripheral vision whatsoever.
  • Sigh. MSGT gets enrolled at the Palace of the Ashfords?
    • Why? Because there is a God, and He knows no love.

 

Retrocaustic: Code Geass – Episode 2

Code Geass is stupid. But how stupid? Let’s find out together.

Don't think about it too much, or this happens.

Don’t think about it too much, or this happens.

Episode II – The White Knight Rises

  • As of August 10, 2010 of the Imperial Calender, “Britannia” still does not have an adjectival form.
    • Nor did Christianity ever happen.
  • Wait, Japan was defeated less than a one month? What? Japan is, like, the size of California, but spread over four islands and surrounded by water. It took the Nazi blitzkrieg three weeks to overrun Poland, and that was an unfair matchup over flat, open European plain. I don’t care how fancy your Knightmares are (which they aren’t); you can’t overcome geography. There are only a few spots where you can conduct an amphibious invasion of the country, all a huge fucking bitch to pull off. No. Fucking. Way.
  • See? The Japanese have a word for pride. 誇り is even used here. So why did Rivalz use “puraido” last episode? Does the Japanese language suck?
    • Yes, this is fucking important.
  • Blah blah, the Japanese are now Elevens for some reason. We get it. Don’t tell me we’re gonna get this exact same recap for the next six episodes or something.
    • Sigh, we are, aren’t we?
  • Oh God, it’s a Suzaku-themed episode.
  • EVERYONE IS DEAD.
    • Except C.C, tee hee.
  •  Enter Villetta, Tragedy Bait 2.0.
    • And whose hair is in violation of every military regulation ever.
      • What nationality is she, anyway? No one has golden pupils. No one, Japan.
  • Wait, those murderous idiots were part of the royal guard? Who puts sociopaths in the royal guard? Or sends them to track down POISON GAS? Hasn’t the Holy Britannia(n) Empire invented special forces yet?
  • Well, she just fired a giant rifle at an innocent student in the middle of a small, metal warehouse. Lelouch is now deaf.
    • Did those massive bullets not have any force when they brushed past him at a zillion miles per hour? Are the laws of physics a lie perpetuated by the Illuminati? How is he still standing up?
    • Not to mention shrapnel. In a parallel universe where physics behaves somewhat consistently, Lelouche has a giant piece of iron sticking through his sternum right now.
      • If I lived in that universe, I would not have to keep watching this.
  • Oh dear, Lelouch’s magical powers have limits. How inconvenient.
    • Luckily for him, Villetta is an idiot, as you shall soon see.
  • “Alan Spacer.” That’s the best you could do, huh, Lelouch? “Alan Spacer.”
    • Bbbbbth ha ha ha.
  • Yes, Villetta. Exit your machine of war, where you’re perfectly safe, right after you’ve just examined a horrific scene where a dozen royal guards have been obviously gunned down in cold blood and there’s a suspicious Britannian student who should not be alive or here in the first place. Yes. Nothing is suspicious about this situation whatsoever.
    • Oh look, that didn’t go very well.
      • This may have consequences, Villetta. Bet you feel stupid now.
  • Where did all the bodies go? Lelouche already used his Geass on her. He was just one guy. Did he use the Knightmare to cart the bodies away? Did he make Villetta do it?
    • No, he shut off his Geass right after his gave her the command. So where did the bodies go?
      • Hey. Did you guys forget about continuity?
        • You did, didn’t you? Fucktards.
  • Gee, MSGT is alive, even though he was shot in the spine with a gun at point-blank range with no obvious protection. How did that happen too?
    • I think I need to stop asking this question.
      • How can he move around? Why is able to get up like that? He was just shot two hours ago.
  • No, I don’t buy that a fucking pocket watch was able to block a bullet. I mean, look at that thing.
    • SILLY.WATCH
      • Did the bullet just evaporate after it went through the glass? Why isn’t it more damaged? What the fuck?
        • WHY DOES NOTHING IN THIS SHOW MAKE SENSE.
  • Elevens say gods live inside objects. Do they? I think that’s simplifying it a bit, you moron.
  • They think the POISON GAS was released? Are they, um, stupid? Do they not see and hear the massacre going on in the ghetto they are actually in right now?
    • They are very stupid.
      • Hey, MSGT, do you still think you can change the system from within?
  • Lloyd, what are you doing? Why are you handing this random person you met an hour ago the keys to your Empire’s superweapon? Shouldn’t you, like, examine him first? Get some physical and psychological data on him? Make sure he’s not crazy? That sort of thing?
    • I like how they obviously dodge the question and implication that MSGT clearly has no experience with one of these machines whatsoever. Why is Lloyd doing this? How does this make sense from his perspective?
  • Lloyd, I’m pretty sure you have oversight. You have to get this guy cleared for piloting a Knightmare. And he has to go through training, be commissioned, etc. Is this even a fucking military?
  • Wait, whom did those random tanks just kill? They didn’t look like Japanese people at all.
    • I’m right. Look at the frame.
  • Ah, Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere returns. Out of thin air. Like magic. From pixies.
    • Sure, I’d be willing to accept pixies at this point, given how retarded everything else is this series is.
  • Man, it’s a good thing the Holy Britannia(n) Empire hasn’t invented the concept of radio intercept yet, otherwise Ohgi and Kallen Stadtfeld’s backpack radio transmission might be compromised.
    • They spent all that money on building Knightmares. That’s my explanation. Or pixies.
  • Kallen, no. Playing decoy is a bad idea. You’re painted fucking orange. You’re a walking target. You’ll just get sniped by helicopters or a bazooka or something, and then you’ll die.
    • And what the fuck is Ohgi gonna do? He has his backpack radio and one random guy with a bazooka. How he is going to evacuate forty million people?
      • Does anybody think about what they’re saying before they open their mouths?
    • Also, you should be trying not to get caught period.
      • Not that they seem to be interested in taking prisoners anyway, you idiot.
  • Cut to Shirley in the girl’s locker room, right after you show people being slaughtered in a war zone. This show flows like the music of Bach.
    • Or diarrhea.
  • [5:37] That’s a Tomagatchi. Is this 1997? Is Nickelodeon still good? Is the Gameboy all the rage? Why is Shirley’s phone stupid?
  • Man, it’s a good thing gunshots and giant machines of death aren’t loud, otherwise Shirley might suspect something.
    • That is gunfire, Shirley. Can you not hear it? I’m pretty sure Knightmares aren’t soundproof.
      • Although I have nothing to base this on, really. These things are ridiculous, after all.
  • How. Does. Lelouche. Know. How. To. Pilot. This.
    • How?
      • HE HAS NEVER BEEN IN ONE BEFORE.
  • Surprise: the Britannimericans aren’t livecasting their massacre to the whole wide world. Next week: will Tyrion get a fair trial?
  • Yes, Lelouche. The tyrannical government is going to spin a cover story about the massacre. Yes, you have to spend five minutes figuring this out.
    • What a genius.
  • I also have to wonder how a military Knightmare has access to the civilian cellular network.
    • And Bluetooth.
  • What did you just say, Lelouche? “They can’t call in reinforcements?” Uh, yes, they can. They control the media. They control everything. They can bring in whatever-the-fuck they want.
    • What a genius.
      • I’m pretty sure it’d be hard for you to get out of the Shinjuku ghetto by yourself with or without them calling in reinforcements.
  • So Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere is spotted, as predicted.
    • And now the men are chasing Dat Ass.
  • Lelouche magically knows her radio code, even though there is literally no physical way he can know it.
    • If you know what I mean.
  • Man, it’s a good thing the Holy Britannia(n) Empire doesn’t have air superiority in its own backyard, otherwise running on an elevated, exposed railway might be a bad idea.
    • Jeremiah, why are you chasing her? Call in the helicopters and planes you have slaughtering people and shoot her in the face.
      • And that’s not a euphemism. I mean actually shoot her in the face with bullets and end this monstrous baby of a series before it grows and devours all life.
  • Oh look, a train is using the railway. One has to wonder why the train is running through an ACTIVE WAR ZONE.
    • No, no, Lelouche totally planned this, even though there is literally no way he could have.
  • Why didn’t Jeremiah just jump onto the train like Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere did? Is he gay? I can think of no other reason why he’s letting the train push him back. What is he doing?
  • Lelouche ambushed Jeremiah. How did he do that? How did they not detect the giant machine of war moving into that building?
    • Gee, the giant machine of death that costs ten billion dollars each was just rendered utterly helpless by rifle fire aimed at its leg propulsion units.
      • Lelouche is a genius.
    • How did Lelouche vanish? Has the Holy Britannia(n) Empire not developed radar? Knightmares do not have stealth. They are probably the unstealthiest things ever invented by humankind. How did she not notice Lelouche leaving?
      • Pixies.
  • Lelouche, you did not predict a train filled with Knightmares would be running through an ACTIVE WAR ZONE unescorted. You did not.
    • Also, it’s a good thing they’re standing around on this open, exposed, elevated railway in the middle of an ACTIVE WAR ZONE that is actively being destroyed.
      • The Holy Britannia(n) Empire deserves to burn.
  • So now they have Knightmares, the machines that were just easily defeated with basic tactics.
    • And, of course, each and everyone of these ragtag Japanese resistance fighters knows how to pilot them.
      • I’m just gonna go find the nearest airbase and hop into a plane. Let me see how far I get. I’ll be back.
        • It turns out they stopped me at the front gate and arrested me.
          • Hmm, well, they let me in for some reason, but it turns out I don’t know how to fly a plane because I haven’t trained on it ever, flown hundreds of hours, or been certified.
  • Also, why is that woman in the train car wearing a miniskirt in an ACTIVE WAR ZONE? And a pink shirt? Hey, how about you wear something remotely camouflaged or practical?
  • Ha ha ha, that was Sasuke’s voice. I caught you, Sasuke.
    • THAT’S IT. NINJAS. IT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.
      • Except nothing.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere rightfully wonders how the fuck any of this is actually happening.
    • Unlike me, however, she is wise and stops asking this question.
  • Meanwhile, the massacre has been conveniently paused and the Britannimericans, who outnumber these Japanese a zillion to one and have complete air and information superiority, are doing absolutely nothing.
  • Gee, I wonder what that building is. It couldn’t possibly be the Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building. That’s never been seen in an anime before.
  • Lelouche, it seems like you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing, probably because you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing.
    • Wait, when did he have the time to get that chess piece? Does time not work the same in this parallel universe?
      • Pixies.
  • The Britannimericans are discussing the overwhelming superiority of their army that they are not using.
  • Clovis is on the scene for some reason. This man has no military experience and is clearly a fucking retard, but the military just goes along with it. That’s how militaries behave.
    • Man, it’s a good thing none of these random subordinates have ears, otherwise they might wonder who this “girl” is they’re very suspiciously talking about.
  • Let me get this straight: the Britannimericans stripped these Knightmares’ IFF transponders for some reason, loaded them onto an unescorted train, then sent that train through an ACTIVE WAR ZONE.
    • Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm……………….
  • Dude, what the fuck did you just say? “The Britannians won’t use traps because they have absolute military superiority”? What?
    • Who let this retard into a giant machine of war? Go make him read Sun Tzu before you let him anywhere near a knife ever again.
      • Good God, these people are going to get themselves killed.
  • HOW DOES OHGI HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE PILOTING A KNIGHTMARE? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH–
  • Uh, if these signals are being intercepted (which they are), your plan is fucked anyway. Who cares if you tell them their name or not?
  • How does Lelouche know any of this information to this level of precision? Generals would be jealous over his Command and Control.
  • Clovis is a racist, because he called the Japanese “monkeys.” This is the opposite way to make people hate someone.
    • Unless you’re a sixteen-year-old anime fanboy that falls for this kind of shit. Then it works perfectly fine.
      • I feel so bad for these Japanese voice actors having to pronounce all these weird-ass English words. Their mouths must bleed after each recording session.
  • How did the Britannimericans not know they were there?
    • They did. They obviously did. There is no way they did not know.
      • I am going insane.
  • If Lelouche has complete knowledge of the battlefield in his random-ass Sutherland, why don’t the Britannimericans have it too with far more platforms at their disposal?
    • Pixies.
  • The Holy Britannia(n) Empire could not have conquered a tree house, let alone a developed country, with this level of incompetence.
  • Wait, what? That was, like, four Knightmares v. three of the exact same model in an open battlespace. How did the Britannimericans hit nothing and the Japanese hit everything?
    • Also, why aren’t their screens showing the enemy units as well?
      • Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
  • “The enemy has five options.” You don’t know that, Lelouche.
  • Don’t you have radar? You do. I know you do. Use it, for Christ’s sake.
  • Jeremiah, you have no inkling as to the tactical situation. You ejected. Go home and fuck Villetta.
  • I don’t know what’s happening. Nothing makes sense.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere randomly fired a lance or whatever into some random point in the asphalt, causing a massive earthquake that swallowed all the Britannimerican Knightmares. Sigh.
    • No, Lelouche, you did not know that would happen.
  • Uh, Lelouche, why do you think you can defeat a world empire after toying with rank idiots? Are you an idiot too?
    • Yes.
  • ARE WE ONLY HALFWAY DONE WITH THIS EPISODE JESUS GOD WHAT AM I DOING.
  • So, MSGT was allowed to pilot the Empire’s superweapon after “reading the manual.”
    • Pixies. Fucking pixies.
      • I need some pixie dust.
  • HE WAS JUST SHOT TWO HOURS AGO. HE IS NOT FIT FOR COMBAT.
    • That outfit is ridiculous.
  • “I don’t want you to do anything reckless.”
    • She says as she’s letting this random, unknown person pilot the Empire’s superweapon.
      • Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
        • Pixies.
  • Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh, her name is Cecile. She’s a woman. That’s why it took two episodes to find out her name.
    • Wow, the Lancelot has no eject system? Well, no matter. It’s a Knightmare. It’s highly durable and can withstand all conditions easily.
      • Except the slightest amount of directed weapons fire.
  • Huh? There have been 7 generations of Knightmares? What?
    • What?
      • No, seriously. 7 generations?
        • Actual military engineers developed six previous generations of these retarded weapons?
          • Have they not drank themselves to death yet?
  • Energy Filler. That about describes this startup sequence: filler.
    • Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.
  • This startup sequence has twenty phases. Somehow this is a good idea.
    • My god, the Engrish. I hope these voice actors get dental.
      • Oh, now they move the first-aid trucks away from the untested Knightmare frame while it’s in the middle of its fireup sequence.
        • Good luck, all you other patients in those trucks.
  • Why does Lloyd say “full throttle”? Would half the Japanese viewers even know what that meant? Or even make heads or tails of it whatsoever?
    • It must suck to be a Japanese person over the age of thirty.
  • Suzaku has some pain from the bullet wound to the spine he received two hours ago. I’m sure it’s fine.
  • So, um, how did that random Japanese pilot survive a bitchslap to the face from the Lancelot? That seems, I dunno, impossible.
  • How is no one detecting this massive machine of death? How do these things ever have the element of surprise over anything?
  • Oh look, Lelouche is racist too.
    • Also, I think Sasuke just died. YAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
  • How do the Britannimericans have energy-repulsion technology? Why haven’t they ever used this revolutionary technology before? And they managed to fit it onto the arm of a Knightmare?
    • Bullshit.
  • How is Lelouche not tracking this thing from his Omniscient Knightmare?
  • Damn, that shield must use up a lot of energy.
    • It’s also hardly surprising a bunch of inexperienced guerrillas have no idea what they’re doing, Lelouche.
  • Uh, MSGT, do you not realize you are working for the Evil Empire? Are you that stupid?
  • LOL, Suzaku just broke that woman’s fall with the metal hand of a Knightmare. That woman is dead.
  • Why did Suzaku just stop? He was winning. Why stop?
  • Did that Japanese guy just suggest that unleashing POISON GAS onto the city would’ve been a good idea?
    • I dunno whom to root for. Everyone is a mass murderer just waiting to happen.
  • Why did Clovis do any of what Lelouche asked him to do? He didn’t use his Geass on him. Why?
  • Oh thank God, the episode is over. I have a date with a razor.
    • PIXIES.