Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 18

IT’S BEEN 14 WEEKS. TIME TO SEE WHAT’S GOING ON UP IN THIS BITCH.

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………oh.

  • 20 seconds of logos….still.
  • HOLY SHIT that is a huge fleet of ships that I know nothing about.
  • “Shino” is in this battle, whoever the fuck he is.
  • Oh look, there’s Augus, Our Man the Pyschopath.
    • I have no idea what’s going on.
  • I am “KUDELIA AINA BERNSTEIN”.
    • That’s seriously my name. Stop laughing.
      • Hey! Stop it!
  • Jesus Christ, woman, it’s been 14 weeks and your hair remains a scion of Cthulhu.
    • And you haven’t changed your goddamn outfit. You’re still wearing the same stupid shirt.
  • WTF are the “Dort” colonies?
  • Wait, wait, wait, has it taken 14 fucking episodes for “Kudelia” to actually contribute something to the plot?
    • ARE YOU SERIOUS?
      • I WAS THAT RIGHT?
        • HA HA HA HA HA.
  • Yes, “Kudelia”. Gjallarhorn was oppressing people. We knew this at the start of the series. It’s episode 18. Tell us something new.
  • You will also notice her mouth is not moving. The animators have enough time to draw butts, but decided to insert a static screencap of Kudelia onto the screen and call it a day.
  • LOL, these four assholes are watching this speech while the bodies of five other human beings lie sprawled around them, looking both mightily dead and exceptionally perforated.
    • First aid? I want to see what this crazy chick is saying on computer-thingie.
  • Explain how and/or why Gjallarhorn is letting this broadcast go through.
  • I’m kind of shocked at how the plot has not moved forward a fucking inch after three months’ worth of episodes. You know how to milk shit, Sunrise.
  • Why is “Kudelia” talking in such a stilted manner? She’s even using “anatagata”, one of the most formal ways of saying “you” in Japanese.
  • Um, “Kudelia”, did you consider that they might actually try to shoot down your ship now that you’ve so politely asked them to?
    • That is a real possibility, you know.
      • Just a thought.
  • Oh, funny, they just all stopped. How convenient.
  • “She’s amazing”. -Mikazuki Augus
    • She did a video broadcast, and not a particularly good one either.
      • That qualifies as “amazing”? I can think of a hundred thousand Youtubers more “amazing” than “Kudelia Aina Bernstein”.
  • Mikazuki Augus is surprised to find that political pressure can be very, very, very effective.
    • As opposed to what giant machines of war can do.
  • So, it’s very helpful that I have no idea what’s going on or what’s at stake, because now I don’t feel guilty about not giving a shit about what just happened.
  • OH CHRIST, IL DUCE IS STILL ALIVE.
    • HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
      • AND WHY IS HE DRESSED LIKE GRANDPA HITLER?
        • WHY. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY.
  • And who the fuck is this asshole next to him with the fucking golden bird mask? Who would ever wear something like that?
  • Um, I don’t get it. Why does Gjallarhorn give a shit about what the African Union wants?
  • Oh, it’s the second opening theme.
  • Or(l)ga’s hair keeps making Sir Isaac Newton cry.
  • Whoa whoa whoa. Are there brown people in this show now?
    • WTF. I thought brown people didn’t exist.
  • “Kudelia’s” hair is still a riot.
    • It has its own physics engine.
      • Pbbth ha ha ha.
  • I guess Fumitan bit the dust. When did that happen? Not that I care.
  • Wait. They haven’t gone to Earth yet?
    • What the hell have they been doing for the past 14 episodes? Did it take them all that time just to get up into space and set the stage for their actual trip to Earth?
      • What a horribly paced anime, among other things.
  • Um, wasn’t Gjallarhorn already on the hunt for “Kudelia” before all this happened? I seem to remember that being the case.
  • Eugene is still an asshole. It’s good to see some things never change.
    • Like how this show sucks balls.
  • Also, why does Augus’ coat make him look twice as big as he actually is?
  • “Responsibility”? -Mikazuki Augus
    • Who is shocked by the existence of the word.
      • This man kills people without a second thought, but acts like any word longer than three syllables is a novel concept that must be ruminated on.
        • Just like every character in Gundam Wing.
  • Apparently in this universe there is a scientific concept called an “Ahab Wave”.
    • Does the director of this show have a hard-on for Moby Dick or something?
  • The “Montag” Company, headed by Zechs Marquis the Golden.
  • This guy’s name is actually “Naze Turbine”, whose mother cursed him before she died giving birth to him.
  • Oh yeah, the creepy guy with the golden bird mask and two-dozen flags for sociopathy is tooootally trustworthy.
  • Wait, Ein is still alive?
    • I thought Ein died.
      • I love his abs, though. Too bad nobody in anime is allowed to be gay.
  • I don’t even remember who this purple-haired dick is. Must not be important.
    • Then again, nothing in this show is.
  • “Gundam Frame” is used here. The Japanese viewers obviously understood it. Somehow.
  • ALAYA-VIJNANA.
    • 100 TRILLION YENARONI.
  • Welp, it’s good to know people on Earth are still racist in the 2xth century.
  • …really? Why would anyone from Earth care? What’s a “pure Earth bloodline” anyway?
  • Ein still cares about Lieutenant Crank, who died 15 episodes ago.
    • This show hasn’t moved its plot an inch forward in that time.
  • SOMEONE IS SHOCKED BY SOMEONE ELSE’S BELIEF IN MERITOCRACY.
    • IT’S SO PROFOUND.
  • “Choose the path you think is right for you”. -Lieutenant Crank
    • Who did not practice what he preached in any way, shape, or form.
      • This man willingly took part in a military operation against children that killed over a hundred people, then threw his life away in an aborted attempt to save his pride.
        • Exactly the person you should be taking advice from, Ein: the dead hypocrite.
  • “Don’t be bothered by those around you”. -Lieutenant Crank
    • Who killed himself to shield his fellows from the disgrace of their failure.
      • Whooops.
  • It’s a good thing I stopped watching this after four episodes, or I might not remember any of this shit.
    • You fools that did keep watching it don’t remember any of these inconvenient facts, though.
      • KEIKAKU DOORI.
  • “I don’t care how others see me, I just believe in myself”. -Ein
    • Who just apologized to this purple-haired retard for imposing on him for something.
      • Is being full of shit a Japanese national pastime?
  • NOTHING ANYONE SAYS IN THIS SERIES MAKES ANY SENSE ON ANY LEVEL.
  • “The Outer Earth Orbit Regularly Joint Fleet”.
    • Yeah, just like that.
  • This purple-haired asshole is amused by Ein pointing out that Gjallarhorn might have limited jurisdiction.
  • Meanwhile, back over there in the Halls of Justice, Zechs Marquis the Golden is proposing to help them reach Earth.
    • THIS COULDN’T POSSIBLY BE SOME FORM OF TRAP.
  • WTF is “half-metal”?
    • WTF is wrong with these writers?
      • These people are obsessed with bad English.
        • They seem to have a religious obligation to butcher it as much as possible.
  • I have an idea: maybe you shouldn’t trust a guy who wears a golden mask and doesn’t show his face for some reason.
  • Or(l)ga comes to the revelatory conclusion that powerful people manipulate each other and this small-time mercenary group doesn’t have enough clout to do business with them on equal terms.
    • Because this show is written by three-year-olds for two-year-olds, Biscuit is dumbfounded by this statement.
  • Ah yes, Yukinojo, the black man born and raised in Yokohama, Nebraska.
  • “It’s like they’re taking advantage of us”. -Some idiot kid
    • Gee, you think?
      • Maybe you should follow that train of thought a little further, kiddo.
        • Off a cliff.
  • Oh, it’s that guy from 14 episodes ago. I’m so glad that so much nothing happened between then and now that I have no trouble following along here.
  • Do any of these fuckwits not see how badly this could go for them?
  • Look at how submissive all these women are, just like Jesus wants.
    • And “Kudelia” is overworking herself.
  • “She’s like a different person”. -Mikazuki Augus
    • She seems exactly the same as she’s always been: an utter airhead.
  • I like how these morons are so captivated by the most basic of concepts, like the idea that a person might be nervous while making a broadcast encouraging sedition against a violently oppressive government.
  • HOLY SHIT, NOBODY IN THIS UNIVERSE DRESSES SANELY.
  • In the future, people in the military wear swords, have long, flowing silver hair, and are allowed to put really bad war paint onto their faces.
    • Because that shows discipline and bearing.
      • Or that Sunrise’s editors don’t have the balls to tell their character designers that their ideas are stupid.
  • This organization seems to be brash and prideful.
    • Gee, I wonder how competent they’ll be.
  • This series is so bad. Am I mistaking this for a drama, when it’s really a comedy that’s thrown together every week at the last minute?
  • Remember, there is a country named “Arbrau” in this universe.
    • “Arbrau”.
      • It’s a very serious place.
        • Made up of Russia and Canada and absolutely nothing else.
          • Nothing says “global influence” like Tim Horton’s and crippling cronyism.
  • The president of Arbrau or whoever this evil old hag is has pink hair and looks like the stepsister of Yzma from Emperor’s New Groove.
  • I have no idea who this old fat geezer is, nor do I care.
  • WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE?
    • Sunrise thinks it can write a plot just by throwing in a thousand characters so nobody can keep track of them and realize how shitty it really is.
      • Following in GRR Martin’s intrepid footsteps, I see.
  • Uh, did these guys just have sex? That’s what it looks like, you know.
    • “Sorry to make you do this with me”.
    • “I’m surprised. I didn’t know you had such a sense of responsibility”.
    • “Responsibility? It’s more like I’ve been freed from that”.
      • Um…I have to go take care of something. Be back in a bit.
  • …sorry, what did I miss? Oh, these guys still.
  • Yukinojo, that Black Japanese Guy from Manaus, has the stupidest goatee ever.
  • Yamagi, the blonde Japanese kid from Ohio, is being allowed to mechanically service a giant war machine.
  • I can never, ever take anything “Kudelia” says seriously because her hair is such a laughingstock.
  • Oh, poor “Kudelia”, having to compromise and get her hands dirty to accomplish something.
    • No one has ever had to do this before ever, especially when it involved revolutions.
  • Atra is still useless. Cool.
  • “Kudelia” needs to get the fuck over herself.
    • As do all these characters.
      • None of them are interesting, compelling, or remotely original.
  • 95% of this series consists of characters trading awful Japanese platitudes and being SHOCKED BY THEM.
  • “I must change”. -“Kudelia Aina Berstein”
    • Which is the exact same thing she told herself 15 FUCKING EPISODES AGO.
  • OH LOOK. THE MAN IS COMFORTING THE WOMEN WHEN THEY NEED IT.
    • I am going to barf.
      • I am seriously going to barf.
        • This show is a giant turd wrapped in uranium.

Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 4

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In case you’ve forgotten: these are the only reason this show exists.

Episode 4 – Geopolitica Chaotica

  • Sunrise, plagiarizing its own work since 1971.
  • Augus is pumping it up, and his companion is ripped too.
    • This must be a gay’s paradise.
      • Mmmm.
  • “We’re working together again.” -Augus
    • Wait…are these guys…?
      • And his companion is embarrassed.
        • I SEE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE. BOW CHICKA BOW WOW.
          • Sucks to be you, Atra. Augus is quite taken already.
  • Augus says it’s routine while having a flashback about “Kudelia”.
    • Um, why?
      • Well, apart from the fact that everything about “Kudelia” is mundane, boring, routine, and unimaginative.
        • I guess that makes sense.
  • “CGS” is crossed out.
    • Apparently some poor orphaned child took the time and effort to paint over a two-story logo.
      • Don’t they have better things to do? Like, not working, since they are *children*?
        • And we still don’t know what the fuck “CGS” even means. Solid storytelling, Sunrise.
  • IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA. IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE YMCA.
    • “Young Mars Caucasians of Acidalia.”
      • See? It’s a reference to The Martian. I’m so clever.
  • “Don’t take too much time with this!” -Random asshole
    • Yeah, kids. Don’t take much time and effort in ensuring the giant machines of death you use are properly loaded and all safety procedures followed. Haste is all that matters.
      • Negligence is fun!
  • Il Duce is disgruntled by how he isn’t in control of a country and can’t send thousands of troops on incompetent foreign ventures to recapture lost glory.
    • Go read your fucking history, you idiots.
      • Il Duce, of course, is also craven and cravenly recounting what happened last episode.
  • “They’ve [Gjallarhorn] controlled this world for hundreds of years.” – Il Duce
    • PBBBBTH HA HA HA HA.
      • There is no way an organization as goddamn incompetent as Gjallarhorn has controlled a goddamn planet for goddamn centuries.
        • They make the Holy Britannia(n) Empire look like the Wehrmacht.
  • That’s right, Il Duce. Have a heart attack…
  • One wonders why they’re keeping this asshole around, seeing as how his only skill is being craven.
    • Oh yeah, he’s going to try to manipulate them. This’ll go so well.
      • Just be careful, Il Duce. You don’t want to end up being hanged by your own people.
        • That’s a pretty lame way to go.
  • RETARDED OPENING THEME TIME.
    • BEHOLD THE SAUSAGE FEST.
      • I’m going to love the bullshit that explains how they get into space.
  • Speaking of which…
  • WHY IS THERE AN ORBITAL MASS DRIVER OVER MARS?
    • DOES EARTH HAVE A GENOCIDE TWITCH THAT NEEDS TO BE SCRATCHED AT A MOMENT’S NOTICE?
      • HOLY CHRIST.
  • Of course the ship they’re waiting for is named “Hakobune.” That’s totally not Japanese.
  • According to this map, the distance between Earth and Mars is the same relative distance between low Mars orbit and geosynchronous Mars orbit.
    • You’ll also notice the icon of Earth is centered on Japan, perhaps for the convenience of a select group of viewers. Not saying who.
      • Which is courteous, to say the least. Those poor souls out in Kamchatka need some attention now and then.
  • “Usually, the path to Earth is under the control of Gjallarhorn.” -Biscuit
    • LOL.
      • Okay, stop.
        • First off, who the fuck is Gjallarhorn? Are they security forces from Earth? What organization or authority do they answer to? Who funds them? Or are they just this highly convenient space mafia that gets in the protagonists’ way?
        • Secondly, there is no way an organization as goddamn incompetent as Gjallarhorn has control over the goddamn space routes between Earth and Mars, which stretch for tens of millions of miles.
        • Thirdly, it is almost impossible to blockade a goddamn planet, particularly with just the two or three ships we’ve seen in their possession.
        • Fourthly, fuck this cosmopolitical setup into the ground.
  • “We need to take a back route which doesn’t cross existing paths.” -Biscuit
    • Oh yeah, Biscuit. Space is just like a walk in the woods. It’s not like your path is highly predictable, constrained, and governed by interplanetary physics.
  • “But it’s a complex route, and we’ve never traveled to Earth.” – Biscuit
    • I see nothing to worry about, “Kudelia”.
      • These people have no experience in space, none of the intense education or physical training required to be astronauts, nor any of the equipment needed to properly and safely make an interplanetary journey.
        • What’s more, they’re trying to do space hankey-pankey and plot a route to Earth that’s never been done before.
          • Sleep tight, sweet cheeks.
  • “And these back routes are divided into territories of civilian businesses.” -Or(l)ga
    • May I remind you that they are talking about SPACE. NOT GROUND. THERE IS NO “TERRITORY” IN FUCKING SPACE.
      • Also, who the fuck is translating this series? I’m asking for a friend.
  • These people are still listening to Il Duce, who has given them nothing but uselessly craven advice.
    • Watch Eugene agree with him.
      • Excuse me while I go spit out his milk, because Eugene just pointed out how they have no reason to trust Il Duce.
        • Especially considering how incredibly convenient it is that some fat asshole like him knows the CEO of a spacefaring corporation.
  • Or(l)ga is all fine with this. In his little brain, there’s no way they could be a trap.
    • Like what happened yesterday.
  • LOL.
    • “Hakobune” was actually “Hakofune” and apparently the Japanese education system is no longer teaching people how to Romanize shit.
      • Also, why the fuck does a Martian spaceport or whatever-the-fuck it is HAVE A JAPANESE NAME?
  • No, seriously. Their ship is supposedly named “Will-‘O’-the-Wisp”, but the port has a fucking JAPANESE NAME JUST SO THE JAPANESE VIEWERS CAN RELATE MORE TO IT.
    • FUCK. MY. LIFE.
  • “Kudelia,” you’re the daughter of Mars’ leader and the leader of the Martian Independence Movement (somehow). How come you’re unaware of the nature of this port and are asking about it like a dumb audience member?
    • Quality writing, Sunrise.
  • “But in order to use this ship, we have to officially make it Tekkadan’s.” -Biscuit
    • Here we go again.
      • 1) Hey, Biscuit. Ever heard of “smuggling”? No, you don’t. You’re still in control of CGS’ assets, correct? Just keep the ship under that name.
      • 2) Hey, translators. “Tekkadan” means “Iron Flower”. We went over this last week. We don’t need to keep saying it in Japanese.
  • Or(l)ga entrusts this critical part of their plan to some side characters with no experience in the matter whatsoever.
  • Meanwhile, “Kudelia’s” hair devours a seat cushion to keep itself alive.
  • Wait, so, they’re just going with Il Duce’s suggestion instead of seeking out alternative partners?
    • You know what this means: the writers were fucking lazy.
  • “This is where it gets real.” – Or(l)ga
    • Fighting for your lives against a vicious surprise attack that kills 110 people of your people is just a video game.
      • Negotiating space transport is the real deal.
  • Is no one noticing Il Duce smiling and cackling to himself right there in front of them all?
    • I mean, really?
      • How lazy can Sundown get at this point?
        • Shit, that is a question I should never ask again.
  • MEANWHILE, AT THE SPACE HALLS OF JUSTICE.
    • We’re an austere space ship, but we have teacups in storage just for fancy villainous antagonists with purple hair.
  • “Your subordinates looked like they were about to die.” -Purple Asshole
    • What a way to open a conversation, dipshit.
  • What is this retard even going on about?
    • “Having too excellent a senior officer means a lot of trouble.”
      • What the fuck?
        • 1) No indication has been given as to how this Blonde Asshole is an “excellent” officer. They are literally wasting company time sitting around in an office talking about this and drinking tea.
          • EFFICIENCY, BITCHES.
        • 2) That is not how leadership works.
  • Major Coral attempts some highly transparent feint at pity over a blatantly intentional mess he caused.
  • So, is the series ever going to bother to explain who these two assholes are or what their angle is?
    • Not for a while, huh?
      • I mean, I guess it’s obvious they’re supposed to be loyal, competent, upright soldiers who will defend Earth out of dedication and principles they believe in and……..
        • *snores* oh, shit, sorry. I fell asleep writing that character synopsis.
          • How could that be? It was so original and exhilarating.
  • Blonde Asshole points out a glaring hole in Gjallarhorn’s records about a unit being missing, something any military force worth its salt would be losing its shit over.
    • Major Coral’s explanation for this is inane and unconvincing.
  • One wonders how Major Coral has managed to keep his job for any length of time longer than two seconds.
    • My God, this guy’s cravenness makes Il Duce look like a Brave Fuhrer defending his Fatherland or something.
      • His name is “Coral Conrad.”
        • Somewhere, some Sunrise writer believes an imaginary mother named her imaginary son that.
          • Pbbbth.
  • CORAL CONRAD BEATS HIS HEAD ON A METAL BULKHEAD.
    • AND SUFFERS NO INJURIES.
      • This guy is fucking hilarious. They are trying so hard to portray him as evil as possible.
        • “Young fools! How dare they underestimate me!”
          • SO WELL-ROUNDED. HE FEELS LIKE A REAL HUMAN.
  • And Coral’s blaming Crank for his incompetent management of everything ever.
    • Well, to be fair, Crank was a selfish moron too, so meh. There go my fucks about this.
  • Meanwhile, at the Halls of Mars.
    • It’s a good thing Augus hasn’t suffered any side-effects from using the 200-year-old Hitler Just Dance.
  • Ah, Yukinojo. The blackest Japanese man known to man.
  • Yes, someone is finally realizing that they have no idea what they’re doing or if this 200-year-old Hitler Super NES is capable of spaceflight or if it’s even in good condition.
    • But it’s a Gundam, so I’m sure you’ve nothing to worry about until the plot demands it.
  • It’s a good thing we sent some random guy to negotiate the most important part of our entire plan.
  • Flashback to a scene to explain Akihiro’s motivation for doing anything.
    • Which takes two seconds to summarize: he has nowhere else to go.
      • If you’ll remember (and I do, Sunrise, as much as you would wish otherwise), that motivation was already covered in the first episode. This scene adds nothing to the series.
  • Yes, let’s trust the guy who looks like Fat Adolf Hitler. That’s a great idea.
    • At least have some backup in place, kids.
  • Augus, like me, is so fucking bored.
  • Is Or(l)ga really about to lecture them all about how important their first job as an independent organization is?
    • Gee, how novel.
  • Odd that such a poor organization can buy fresh Martian vegetables.
  • “UMAI!!!” -Random asshole.
    • Anime Trope #1096870908918050814360 1436 7041356708091356890.
      • Sigh.
        • That’s totally what Japanese people do in real life.
          • (It’s not.)
  • Also odd that “Kudelia” and Fumitan’s clothes are both still in pristine condition. Not even a smudge on them after days in a dirty, industrial environment.
    • WOMEN MUST ALWAYS LOOK PURE FOR THE MEN.
  • “I’m such a weak person.” -“Kudelia”
    • By Thor’s Hammer, woman. Just kill yourself and save us all the pain.
      • The pretentious self-deprecation is just excruciating. I’d rather grind my penis against sandpaper than listen to this shit.
        • Was this written by some Sunrise employee’s toddler and they just left it in there because they thought it sounded profound?
  • Orcus or whoever-the-fuck this is opts to call them with a “Voice Only” option instead of showing his face.
    • SUSPICIOUS SCENARIO IS VERY SUSPICIOUS.
      • GEE. LET ME CONSULT WITH ADMIRAL ACKBAR FOR A SECOND.
  • Wait, wait, how is he getting their video but they aren’t?
    • I don’t know. Fuck it.
  • And this genuflecting old pervert is supposed to be trustworthy too? Gosh, “Kudelia”, you can really pick ’em out of a crowd.
  • “I might rob them of all their smiles.” -“Kudelia”
    • A NORMAL PERSON WOULD TOTALLY SAY THAT.
      • When was the last time anyone you’ve known talked like that in any way, shape, or form?
        • This writing. This writing. Where’s that blasted sandpaper?
  • ARE THEY GOING ON A DATE? OMIGAWD SOMEONE CALL MARS PEOPLE.
  • Wait, wait, wait, wait. What the fuck?
    • Now the Specialist Dipshits are on Mars’ surface? And they’re wearing full suits in a desert landscape?
      • I don’t know. None of this makes sense, nor has it ever made sense.
  • Yeah, let’s do visual reconnaissance in white suits against a brown Martian landscape. No one could possibly spot us.
  • “The Noachis July Assembly.” -Sunrise
    • I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a studio more in love with the sound of its own voice than Sunrise.
      • LOOK AT HOW EXOTIC AND COMPELLING OUR WORLD-BUILDING IS.
        • LOOK AT HOW MANY STRANGE ENGLISH WORDS WE CAN SHIT OUT OF OUR ASSES.
  • BEHOLD, CHILDREN OF MEN: EXPOSITION IN ITS PUREST FORM.
    • WORDS FLASHED ON A SCREEN.
      • MY GOD. IT’S FULL OF STUPID.
  • The Earth is organized into four blocs:
    • The African Union.
    • The Oceanian Federation
    • SAU
    • Arbrau
      • Pbbbbbth.
        • “Arbrau”.
          • Ah ha ha ha ha ha.
            • You can’t make this shit up. Unless you’re Sunrise.
  • The Malta Conference divided Mars.
  • So wait, Gjallarhorn is some sort of supernational entity or independent organization in control of fucking Mars? What?
    • To the point that it was able to redraw national borders on another planet?
  • NOTHING. MAKES. SENSE.
  • So, wait, the Mars territories already have autonomy, but are basically under economic slavery.
    • I love how Sunrise is flashing this incredibly important backstory faster than the human eye can process it. Fantastic storytelling there.
      • And it’s all in English, which means the Japanese viewer is fucked.
  • OH BOY. HERE WE GO.
    • SAU = Strategic Alliance Union
      • Pbbbth.
        • HA HA HA.
          • NO ONE WOULD EVER NAME THEIR COUNTRY THAT.
      • And it consists of the US and Latin America…but not Canada.
        • Um, are they not aware the US and Canada have been close allies for centuries with very similar cultures and heavily intertwined economies? Why would they not join with the US?
    • The “African Union” controls all of continental Europe, Africa, and the Middle-East and reaches into Central Asia.
      • Bull. Fucking. Shit.
        • What, did the Muslims finally complete the conquest of Europe and Africa or something? What the fuck?
    • The Oceanian Federation consists of China, India, Southeast Asia, Australia (which has a giant fucking hole for some reason near where Sydney is), and Japan, the Center of the Universe.
      • …no, Sunrise. No.
    • “Arbrau” consists of Russia and Canada. That’s it.
      • Nope.
        • Nope.
          • Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooope.
  • It’s official: this show is abso-fucking-lutely retarded.
    • Geopolitics wants its dignity back.
      • Also, why was Greenland left out? I think that’s a bit unfair, you assholes.
  • Why do are they doing this on land? Don’t they have the facilities at Gjallarhorn to just reconnoiter this area from space? Or send their subordinates to do it. Or something.
    • Delegate, you idiots.
  • Um, question: if this is the battlefield where they fought a few days ago, then why isn’t the Iron Flower base in plain view?
    • Because it was right there. Everyone was watching it happen from the comfort of the base.
      • Did it just sprout legs and walk off?
        • Or did Sunrise just shoot continuity in the head execution-style and throw it in a dumpster?
          • I HAVE NO IDEA WHICH EXPLANATION IS MORE LIKELY. HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
  • “The Regulatory Bureau.” -Sunrise
    • POISON. I NEED POISON.
  • Oh, there’s the base.
    • Good thing nobody can see them in their white suits and purple/blonde hair against a uniform background of brown.
      • Or notice their descent from space, which Sunrise just hoped you wouldn’t think about.
        • Silly, Sunrise.
  • They’re still painting over this shit. Wasn’t that covered ten minutes ago?
  • “Excuse me, where are we?” -“Kudelia”
    • Good fucking question.
      • How did they go from a barren desert to a lush cornfield? Where is this in relation to the base? What the fuck?
  • Biscuit’s grandmother is named “Sakura-chan.”
    • Right.
      • So why is Biscuit named Biscuit?
        • Fuck it.
  • Um, doesn’t Atra work at a store in town? Why is she here in this random cornfield?
    • Is this scene just an excuse to build tension between the two female leads as they fight in their hearts over their masculine object of desire?
      • Don’t answer that question.
  • Oh, it’s a good luck charm. Atra made it for him.
    • Too bad, Atra. He doesn’t really give a shit.
      • Think of it more as a representation of your bitterly unrequited and insane love for this fuckwit.
  • Now these two Specialist assholes are talking about their family or something, not that we care.
  • WHAT. ON. MARS.
    • THE BLONDE SPECIALIST HAS A 9-YEAR-OLD FIANCEE?
      • THE FUCK. THE FUCK. THE FUCK. THE FUCK.
        • WAT.
          • WHAT IN GOD’S NAME.
            • AND THEIR PARENTS DECIDED ON THIS?
              • AND HE’S OKAY WITH IT, BECAUSE SHE’S HIS FRIEND’S SISTER?
                • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • “Kudelia” is predictably fascinated by the grueling, backbreaking labor of harvesting corn by hand.
    • Which they should not have to do if they have the equipment to mow the stalks down flat. We have the technology to mechanize that process today. It’s basically ubiquitous in the First and Second World. Why is it not on Mars 500-ish years into the future?
      • Have any of these writers ever read a book about anything ever?
        • I haven’t yet seen any moment in this series where they show a modicum of knowledge on any subject.
          • They fucked up geopolitics.
          • They fucked up space travel.
          • It’s a Gundam series, so they fucked up combat and physics.
          • They fucked up logistics.
          • They fucked up human behavior.
          • They fucked up basic storytelling, character motivation and development, and imaginative themes.
          • They fucked up philosophy.
          • And now they’re fucking up agriculture.
    • Manual harvesting is soul-crushing work, but of course “Kudelia” finds it refreshing, because she’s a sheltered rich girl.
  • LOL, “Kudelia” is so weak she can’t break a corn off the cornstalk, but then Augus catches her when she falls, creating a predictable, awkward situation.
    • Hey, Augus: pull her up before her arm rips out of her socket.
  • CONVENIENT WIND ALLOWS FOR A POIGNANT SCENE.
  • The currency for this planet is the “galar”, but of course it scales identically to the yen for the convenience for the Japanese viewer.
    • Also, there is no way any farmer would be growing corn if they could only get $0.50 for 10 kilograms. That’s not economically viable.
      • 10 kg = 0.4 bushels
      • So the price of corn is $1.25 per bushel. The current price for corn on the US market is $4.3775. For a metric ton, that’s $172.34; this Mars price is $49.
        • $49 for a metric ton. Going back 30 years, the price of corn has never gone that low on the US market.
          • Conclusion: Sakura-chan and her misshapen lineage should be so fucking destitute that “Biscuit” should be named “Kernel”.
  • Sunrise fucked up economics too. Achievement unlocked.
    • Also 2.0, there is no way there is still a market for corn-based biofuel in a civilization capable of terraforming and colonizing other planets.
  • I don’t understand. Mars is the lifeblood of Earth’s economy (somehow), right?
    • So how is Mars so bloody destitute?
      • Don’t say “colonization.” That doesn’t make any fucking sense.
        • It would take far more resources to terraform Mars and turn it into a viable biosphere than it would to just invest in Earth. The equation just isn’t profitable, period.
          • Colonization happens when developing, powerful economies from the outside encounter weakly-held lands or territories filled with unexploited natural resources and a poor population. It’s easy money.
            • You know what’s cheaper than terraforming planets? Asteroids. There’s a zillion times more money in harvesting shit off asteroids than desiccated wastelands like Mars. Maybe that should’ve been your premise, Sunrise. Have a child-labor force being used to drill asteroids. You know, makes sense.
          • Mars is a useless piece of rock. How is Earth in such a condition that it was able to terraform Mars into fertility, divide its territory up piecemeal and control it for hundreds of years uncontested, but *also* depend entirely on Mars to keep its economic engine going?
            • There is no economic scenario in which any of this makes any sense.
  • “Human Debris.”
    • Also known as “slavery.”
      • But we can’t say “slavery” because reasons.
        • Those reasons being “Human Debris” sounds cool to a Japanese ear.
  • “KUDELIA” IS SHOCKED THAT SOMEONE THANKED HER.
    • Why?
  • Atra is being jealous. No one cares.
    • The Eldritch Twins return to wreak havoc.
      • So, Atra, what do you see in Augus?
        • Like, what is it that attracts you to him besides his shapely body?
          • I can’t see anything in his personality that would attract anyone.
  • The Eldritch Twins are so fucking dumb they can’t look both ways when crossing the road.
    • AUGUS GETS HIS MURDER FACE ON.
      • Also jumps to conclusions and doesn’t investigate the situation at all.
        • Jesus Goddamn Christ, how are we supposed to like this character?
          • He just switches to psychopath mode on the turn of a dime. He’s nothing more than a public menace and a danger to everyone around him.
            • GEE, AUGUS. MAYBE YOU SHOULD’VE ASKED WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE YOU NEARLY BROKE THAT MAN’S WINDPIPE.
  • “ALAYA-VIJNANA SYSTEM.”
    • 100 TRILLION YEN, WHORES.
      • I was wondering if they could go one episode without saying it. GUESS NOT.
  • Augus is also so stupid that he can’t recognize Gjallarhorn’s insignia even though they’re his chief enemy that he knows he’ll encounter in the future.
    • Also, the Specialists are so stupid they put a Gjallarhorn insignia on their car while doing a covert investigation.
      • I’ll save time next time: everyone is so, so stupid.
  • “My name is McGillis Fareed.” -McGillis Fareed
    • Someone got picked on in high school.
  • “Kudelia”, try cutting your hair in the future so that you don’t stick out like a sore thumb.
  • MEANWHILE, AT SPACE DOCK.
    • “Will-O’-The-Wisp” is now the “ISARIBI.”
      • …that means nothing to me.
        • OBSCURE JAPANESE MYTHOLOGY REFERENCE.
  • The Iron Flower insignia is revealed.
    • Apparently we’re supposed to care about this, even though it’s in the opening sequence.
  • Il Duce is cravenly doing evil things with evil people.
    • Fear not. The Jews can smell his blood and they know no fear.

Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 3

"Kudelia" needs to watch Pleasantville.

“Kudelia” needs to watch Pleasantville.

Episode 3 – Glorious Misogyny

  • Daisuki-DOTTO-NETTO!!
    • Double exclamation points are teh bomb.
  • “Eating again? – Or(l)ga
    • Yes, Or(l)ga. Humans tend to fucking eat. Repeatedly.
      • Are you in any way surprised that Augus is eating a lot after a battle in which a Hitler Nintendo NX nearly killed him?
  • Augus’ overcoat in no way flatters his ridiculously ripped physique. It looks like something made for the inhabitants of Planet Moscow. Or something.
  • That was the most boring and inconsequential opening of an anime episode I’ve seen in a while.
    • “Hey, eating again?”
    • “Yep.”
    • “Huh. Okay. Well then.”
    • [cut to opening sequence]
      • You know what this means, children: the budget ran ooooooooooooooooooooooooooout. Hee hee.
  • PSA: despite this opening sequence’s implications, Iron-Blooded Orphans’ gender ratio does not reflect reality.
    • Shocking PSA: there are slightly more women than men in the general population.
      • Very shocking PSA: they are people just as much as men, with their own dreams, fears, aspirations, and worth.
        • Sorry to blow your mind, Japan.
          • (But not really, you misogynist twerps.)
  • Oh ho ho, Biscuit is in charge of food after the crisis. It’s not like he could be a competent engineer or anything. Fat people love food.
    • Ha ha. It’s funny because Japan is still stuck in 1954.
  • Great idea, Biscuit: give a giant boiling pot of food to your twin sisters to carry. They’re only, like, eight years old. The pot probably weighs as much as both of them combined.
    • Are you trying to give them second-degree burns and a horrific childhood memory?
      • World’s Best Brother, AD 23-something: Biscuit.
  • ありがとう、アトラ。皆喜んでいる。” -Biscuit
    • Oh, of course the woman is in charge of food too.
      • Looking past the tired, happy-feely horseshit that Biscuit seems to Chief of Staff for, this scene is clearly implying that women have nothing to contribute to society beyond supporting men.
        • Thanks, Sunrise. Thanks for moving our species forward into the future.
  • And of course, Atra blushes and smiles by squinting her eyes at Biscuit’s tired, useless, patronizing compliment.
    • Hey, Atra: where’s that guy you’re mooning over that doesn’t give two shits about you?
      • Even if he does, he doesn’t show it in any discernible way, so it’s the same thing.
        • Hey, Atra: since all these people are horrible idiots, how about next time you poison all the food and watch them die in painful convulsions? That would make your character both way more interesting and useful.
  • Continuing this show’s brave march into the Land of Misogynia, “Kudelia” naturally wants to help prepare the food, like a good Japanese woman, but like a good token “strong”, “female” “character”, is hilariously inept at it.
    • It also reinforces that she’s rich, even though everyone could tell by the fact that she has a personal factory for supplying her with hairspray, which she requires for sustenance.
      • Yes, “Kudelia” is so spoiled and pampered that she’s completely useless with a ladle, which requires only the most basic amount of hand-eye coordination.
        • She’s acting like it weighs 100 kilograms or something and is a bizarre object crafted by an alien civilization.
          • Someday, somewhere, Sunrise will stop treating its female characters like shit.
  • No, I’m not getting off this soapbox. All the female characters in this series are in this scene, and they are all delicate objects of desire and support for the men. This is sexism at its most sinister and subtle. It’s so bad that a stereotypically butch female pilot character with the personality of a lead bar and a boringly tragic past would be admirable progress for these writers.
    • So no, Sunrise, this scene is no way funny. It’s fucking insulting.
  • “Kudelia” is so useless and ignorant she DOESN’T KNOW HOW TO USE A KNIFE.
    • Excuse me while I go use a knife on some Sunrise writers.
      • Aww, the annoying brat with no distinguishing features gives “Kudelia” cute but absolutely useless advice on culinary preparation techniques.
        • “When cutting vegetables, make cat paws”.
          • DAWWW, KAWAII DESU.
            • Except not. What does that even mean? That doesn’t even make sense as an analogy for cutting vegetables. Have these writers never cut vegetables before either?
              • She’s pressing on that knife like she’s performing CPR. So either these are Martian cucumbers with skin as resilient as granite or that knife is duller than a worn slab of granite.
  • THESE WRITERS ACTUALLY THINK THIS PATRONIZING DISCRIMINATION IS FUNNY AND HEARTWARMING.
  • Enough talking with women, Biscuit. It’s time for MAN WORK.
    • WHICH ONLY MEN CAN DO.
      • And they’ll thoughtfully shield them from such harsh, masculine affairs. Women should be unblemished and pretty for the men when they get home.
  • Meanwhile, the men are down in the dumps and struggling with REAL emotional torments.
  • Lupin IV actually insults Biscuit by telling him to put his butt meat inside his soup.
    • That got odd really fast.
  • “Kudelia” has acquired the Skill [Basic Hand-Eye Coordination]! Her DEX increases by +5!
    • But she still scales worse than all the men.
  • These little brats call her お嬢様 and act like her serving them food is the best thing ever, even though it’s no different from any of the rest of the glop in the kitchen.
    • Remember, children: women support men like good mothers. It’s how it works.
      • *wink*
  • Augus is as personable and likable as ever.
    • He’d make a lead bar dance and sing with his stoic gaze and piercing eyes.
  • “Kudelia” is so incompetent at cutting things she made big vegetables. HMMM. LET’S SEE IF AUGUS TAKES THEM.
    • HE TOOK THEM.
      • THIS SERIES IS SO RADICAL AND INNOVATIVE.
        • AND “KUDELIA” IS EMBARRASSED TO THE POINT WHERE SHE DEFIES THE LAWS OF PHYSICS.
          • EVEN THOUGH CUTTING SLIGHTLY LARGER VEGETABLE PIECES WOULD IN NO WAY RUIN THE FOOD.
            • SHE’S SO IGNORANT AND SHELTERED SHE DOESN’T REALIZE THAT EITHER.
              • YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. IT’S CUTE.
                • THIS SERIES IS A STEAMING PILE OF FLY-INFESTED EXCREMENT.
  • Augus, of course, treats her warmly and likes her food. In three…two…one…
    • BULLSEYE.
      • HEED THY PROPHET, YE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL.
        • I SPEAK THE WORD OF THE LORD.
  • And “Kudelia” blushes in shocked surprise.
    • SUNRISE, I JUST PREDICTED EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IN EVERY SCENE OF THE PAST 5 MINUTES.
      • GET. BETTER. WRITERS.
        • ALSO, FOR THE BILLIONTH TIME: “KUDELIA’S” HAIR IS FUCKING RETARDED.
  • And now she’s rubbing her hands in delicate feminine angst.
  • ATRA SEES WHAT’S HAPPENING. SOW THE SEEDS OF TENSION AND JEALOUSY, MY PRETTIES. SOW THE SEEDS OF INTERPERSONAL (and uniquely inter-feminine) CONFLICT.
    • BECAUSE WOMEN EXIST TO FIGHT EACH OTHER OVER THE LOVE OF A MAN.
      • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • Now an insightful, gentle-voiced man will talk with Atra about Mikazuki. In three…two…one…
    • Atra sheepishly says she’s “imposing” on the manager.
      • Which is something only a dutiful Japanese person would say.
        • No one else would even give a shit about the manager in their store a hundred kilometers away.
          • SHE’S SO  JAPANESE IN HER DEFERENCE AND HUMILITY.
            • THE PERFECT WOMAN.
              • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    • Atra, of course, being a woman, has inexplicable insight into Augus’ mental state, even though he has exactly two facial expressions: bleh and MURDER.
      • Side note here: the black guy who’s over six feet tall has the surname of “Yukinojo”.
        • ENOUGH OF YOUR LIES, BEELZEBUB. GET THEE BEHIND ME.
  • Oh, are you wondering why I care so much about their names? Because you should, clueless anime fan.
    • See, there’s a very good reason why all the potential antagonists (half of whom look like devils for some odd reason) have weird-ass foreign names while the Martian children all have Japanese names. It’s a tried and true psychological trick to make the Japanese viewer more inclined to sympathize with them. Tamaki looks like he went to a private school on Long Island, New York, but give him an absurd name like “Tamaki” and the Japanese brain instantly categorizes him as being part of the “IN” camp as opposed to the “OTHER” camp.
      • Tl;dr, racist chauvinism.
  • Atra is about to ask “Yukinojo” a favor because she’s so cute and delicate that she doesn’t have the courage to ask Augus herself.
    • Even though Augus will probably go “Oh, huh” and forget about it two seconds later because he’s a braindead stoic protagonist with no personality or relatable feelings.
      • This is how anime writers developed characters five decades ago, in case you didn’t realize.
        • Cut away from the scene without finding out what said favor is.
          • BRILLIANT!
  • So the coup has begun. WAIT. IS SOMETHING HAPPENING?
    • Lupin IV wakes to realize his…thumbs…have been restrained?
      • His THUMBS?
        • WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT GOING TO DO?
  • How wonderful, they did something slightly clever and spiked the food with sedatives. Something IS happening.
    • Hallelujah.
  • Hey, Or(l)ga: instead of keeping this group of people in a room with a lock, I have a better idea for you.
    • It’s called death.
      • As in make them die.
        • Kill them all.
          • Or at least drop them off somewhere in the hellish Martian landscape and have them fend for themselves or something.
            • Because this is going to come back to bite you in the ass.
  • Lupin IV, like the good little monster antagonist he is, demands something while in a position to make no demands whatsoever.
  • HOLY SHIT.
    • Augus just EXECUTED that guy.
      • Well, you certainly took my advice, Or(l)ga. Kudos.
        • But JESUS CHRIST, that was a LITTLE over-the-top.
          • Augus is also a complete psychopath. It’s confirmed.
  • The Caucasian Devil with the Bucktooth and Sunken Face is still here, somehow.
  • OMG IT’S BLOOD. IF MY BOOTS TOUCH IT I’LL GET COOTIES.
  • NOW AUGUS KILLED THE CAUCASIAN DEVIL.
    • DOING THE LORD’S WORK, AUGUS.
  • OMG IT’S A GUN. IF IT TOUCHES ME I’LL GET RABIES.
  • Of course the craven guy with glasses betrays his comrades.
    • Not that they were worthy of anyone’s loyalty to begin with.
      • But it’s telling you can tell everything about his character design by his squinted face and huge-ass spectacles.
        • NERDS HAVE NO SPINE, BITCHES. That’s what Sunrise believes, anyway.
  • His name is “Dexter Culastor”, and he’s in charge of accounting.
    • Pardon me for just a moment.
      • [loud noise]
        • Sorry, I had to go crack my skull on the wall in my study.
          • I feel so much better now.
            • Yes, that’s good brain damage. Very good. Mmmm. Tangy.
  • Dexter goes “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH??” like a good wussy nerd.
    • And he’s wearing a tie, for some reason.
      • Because all nerd types wear ties.
        • Fuck you, Sunrise.
  • SPEAKING OF WHICH.
  • Eugene barges into Or(l)ga’s office muttering something about severance pay and shit. Dude is drunk off his ass.
    • Dexter is now released and working for them, because these sluts still need accountants to run shit. Bwa ha ha ha ha.
  • Or(l)ga is noble, so he gives these assholes severance pay for leaving.
    • I don’t care.
      • No, I don’t. There are arguments for this and against it, both legitimate.
        • It doesn’t make me like Or(l)ga any more or less.
  • Eugene, for some reason, wants to throw these guys out onto the street with no money instead of changing how they treat them.
    • Which is the whole point of taking over due to mistreatment.
      • Deeeerp.
  • Eugene is also objecting to them doing honest, upright jobs that will give them a good reputation.
    • Because reasons.
  • Also, that creepy, crunch-faced Italian guy (I’ll call him Il Duce) with the HITLER MUSTACHE is still around.
    • Apparently nobody in this future has heard of Adolf Hitler.
      • Which would explain why they are so eager to use a Hitler Machine.
        • Huh. I just made this series make a little more sense somehow.
          • Goddamn it.
  • Il Duce even talks with a stupidly retarded accent, just to emphasize he’s a smelly foreigner.
  • Yukinojo is staying and is an old man. Good to know, twats.
    • He looks like he’s 35.
      • “Old”.
  • “Kudelia” waits impatiently for her daily hairspray shipment.
    • The fools know not what forces they toy with.
      • She then absentmindedly and pointlessly picks up a random nut, heedless to any heavy machine traffic going on around her.
  • SPEAKING OF WHICH.
    • Or(l)ga is looking for Mikazuki, because we’re supposed to care.
      • Now he recognizes “Kudelia’s” tragic existence.
  • “Kudelia” gives Mikazuki a compliment in his absence.
    • Or(l)ga will now sternly correct her on how mistaken she is (LIKE A WOMAN) and how Mikazuki is somehow nothing special and just an orphan from the streets or something like that. In three…two…one…
      • BULLSEYE.
  • Japan, you said it again. Tsk tsk.
    • “Alaya-Vijnana System.”
      • 100. Trillion. Yen.
        • Now.
          • You wouldn’t want to make India angry, would you? They outnumber you ten to one.
  • SOMEHOW A SYSTEM BUILT 200 YEARS AGO IS BETTER THAN ONE BUILT TODAY.
    • IT MAKES SENSE.
  • Or(l)ga rightfully asks “Kudelia” if she has any plans or inkling of what she’s going to do next.
    • “Kudelia” calls her father “父” as opposed to “お父様”. She is learning, finally.
      • SHE DOESN’T KNOW. SHE THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING SHE COULD DO.
        • SPOKEN LIKE A JAPANESE FIFTH-GRADER.
  • Now she’s wavering due to the idea that the innocent might suffer or be sacrificed in order to accomplish things.
    • Gee, “Kudelia”. Welcome to history.
      • Here’s a complimentary fruit basket for figuring that one out, you highly-educated rich girl who seems to know jackshit about anything for no logical reason.
        • “Kudelia”, in reality, would be lecturing these morons on geopolitics or how to work the Alaya-Vijnana System or something, but she’s a woman in an anime, so she gets to do exactly nothing.
          • What is with this nut? Is it supposed to be a metaphor or something? It doesn’t mean anything.
  • “Do you think you’re responsible for our comrades’ deaths?” – Or(l)ga
    • Um, hey. Didn’t we already go through discussion this last week?
      • Snore.
  • SHOCKED LOOK OF COMPREHENSION.
    • I’m going to need some more paper for this tropes list I’m assembling.
  • SHIVERING EYES OF POIGNANCY.
    • Fuck it, I’ll just order an entire ream.
  • “I’m just angry at myself.” -“Kudelia”
    • Which is the reaction no actual human being would have in this situation.
      • “Kudelia”, honey, you were caught up in a treacherous situation you knew nothing about and had no control over. Your own father sold you out or something for some reason, right? So why are you angry at yourself? You should be angry at your FATHER for SELLING YOU OUT.
        • And possibly your mother for NOT TELLING YOU ABOUT THIS.
          • BUT NO. “KUDELIA” IS THE ONE AT FAULT, NOT THE ASSHOLES AROUND HER. IT MUST BE SOME FAILURE OF HER CHARACTER. DEFINITELY NOT HER FAMILY. BECAUSE JAPANESE HERD MENTALITY.
            • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
    • “Over how powerless I really am.” -“Kudelia”
      • Yeah, that’s what you should be angry about. Definitely not your own family handing you over to vicious murderers and rapists.
        • Fuck you, Sunrise.
  • DEXTER WITH GLASSES KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT MONEY. HOW CONVENIENT.
    • So they have 3 months of solvency left. They could have said that in five seconds. Not two minutes.
  • I’m trying to understand how severance pay and normal maintenance costs are eating into their bottom line so much.
    • The severance pay can’t be that much, considering maybe five guys are leaving. The maintenance costs can’t be that much either, considering they just lost 110 people and only a few machines, which aren’t in great condition anyway. Their costs should actually be way down.
  • Or(l)ga, having found out they have 3 months of solvency, declares they must find work immediately or go bankrupt or something.
    • 3 months = nothing, apparently.
  • “But with our current situation, people will take advantage of us”. – Biscuit
    • You mean how you have a priceless superweapon and just fought off an assault from an elite interplanetary security force?
      • Yeah, what a desperate situation that people will take advantage of.
        • Go shove food in your mouth, Biscuit. It’s where you belong.
  • Il Duce has to be the one to point all of this out, because these people are morons.
    • BUT IL DUCE SUGGESTS SELLING OUT “KUDELIA” FOR MONEY, BECAUSE HIS SUNKEN CAUCASIAN CHEEKS OF DEVILRY DEMAND IT.
      • They are really milking this “despicable foreigner” stereotype.
        • Il Duce even has a noticeable beer belly, because les raisons.
  • EUGENE HAS NO MORAL OBJECTIONS WHATSOEVER TO THIS SUGGESTION.
    • HOORAY, THE ONLY GUY WITH THE NOT-JAPANESE NAME IS AN ASSHOLE.
      • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • Oh boy, someone from Gjallarhorn has come back.
    • I wonder who it is.
  • CRANK CHALLENGES AUGUS TO A DUEL.
    • THIS HAS JUST BECOME AN EPISODE OF YUGIOH.
      • GET OUT YOUR DECK, AUGUS.
        • YOU’D BETTER PLAY YOUR CARDS RIGHT.
          • (Honestly, a tedious children’s card game would be more interesting than this.)
            • Unless this involves more of Augus executing people like a veteran of Stalingrad.
              • Then it’d be fine.
  • I AM CRANK ZENT (LOL) OF GJALLARHORN’S FRONT LINE TROOPS, AND I AM SPEAKING TO YOU OVER LOUDSPEAKER VIA MAGIC.
    • (Seriously, where is the microphone? He has no microphone.)
  • Okay, Crank, have you actually thought this through? What is this duel supposed to accomplish?
    • No, seriously.
      • Yukinojo somehow knows the history of things as they were 200 years ago.
        • No, I don’t believe that people settled things in duels before the Calamity War.
          • That’s fucking bullshit. Shut up.
  • Hmmm, I have an idea: shoot this fucker while he’s outside his Mobile Suit.
    • Or decline.
      • Hey, is anyone wondering why this Gjallorhorn asshole is out here by himself without any support? Anyone?
        • How about you just capture him or shoot him or ignore him?
  • “KUDELIA” OFFERS HERSELF UP AS A SACRIFICE.
    • TO YOGG-SARON HIMSELF.
      • IN HER DRESS OF BLOOD AND SACKCLOTH.
        • Jesus Christ, when did you have time to change into that outfit?
          • (Which is still pants-on-head retarded, not to mention it looks like you are ACTUALLY WEARING PANTS ON YOUR SHOULDERS)
  • Golly. I wonder what’s going to happen next.
    • Maybe Augus the Stoic will object and offer to fight Crank for her honor and glory or something.
      • Yaawn. Someone wake me up when Sunrise does something mildly original.
  • “Meaningless battles should be avoided, correct?” -“Kudelia”
    • Uh, except this wouldn’t be a meaningless battle by any stretch of the imagination, you dimwit.
      • Il Duce, like all those of Caucasian, not-Japanese, dishonorable heritage, suggests very cravenly that they let her go and cravenly negotiate for some money in the process.
        • No Japanese person has ever sold another out for money, btw.
          • Ever.
  • “Kudelia” continues to try to solve a problem she clearly does not understand, all out of a misguided desire to assert herself.
    • Fuck you, bitch. I hope you die.
  • “And I do not plan on just dying.” -“Kudelia”
    • Oh yeah, like you’ll have any say in it.
      • What are you going to do? Smack them with your hair?
        • Pbbth. Like they’re going to listen to you after getting YOUR OWN FATHER TO SELL YOU OUT. IT IS PLAIN THEY ARE IN NO WAY INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY, PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY ARE TRYING TO KILL YOU.
  • Or(l)ga’s face says it all:
    • “Holy shit, what am I doing with my life?”
  • Or(l)ga, rationally, doesn’t trust this random prick who just tried to kill them all yesterday.
  • Augus is perfectly fine with piloting the 200-year-old Hitler Youth Club after it ruptured his jugular vein less than 24 hours ago.
    • Wipe them out, Augus. All of them.
  • WHAT METHOD ARE THESE PEOPLE COMMUNICATING WITH?
    • WHAT DEVICES? HOW? WHY DOES THIS THING EVEN HAVE A LOUDSPEAKER?
      • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
  • This episode is titled “Glorious Demise”. I think we can guess what happens.
    • Or do I have to pull out the Book of Isaiah again?
  • Augus’ physique is perfect somehow.
  • “Alaya-Vijnana System”. Pay up, Sunrise.
    • 100. Trillion. Smackaroos.
  • LOL, “Kudelia” actually throws out the idea of her piloting the Hitler Disco Ball so she could help people.
    • Yeah, that’s the only way you could help people. Not by putting your educated mind to use or something.
      • I hate this stupid, inane, self-deprecating stereotype of a woman so much, let alone the middle-aged men who wrote her.
  • “We were just lucky”. -Or(l)ga
    • Yep, that sums up the whole series. No logic or sense. Just pure coincidence and bad writing.
  • Meanwhile, let’s all stand out here on the battlefield exposed to whatever debris or flotsam that might result from the duel between two towering Machines of Death.
    • STOCK GUNDAM COMBAT SOUND EFFECT FROM FOUR DECADES AGO.
  • Leave it to Augus the Stoic to only ask how the winner of the duel will be decided after starting the duel.
  • “What Coral…No.” -These Incompetent Subbers
    • Here’s a translation for us poor English types: “Coral…no, we just wanted Kudelia’s life at first…”
      • That’s way clearer.
        • Also, listen up, “Kudelia”: these people just want to kill you. Bet you feel smart now.
  • “Children should not be victimized for adult strifes.” -These Incompetent Subbers again
    • Real English: “Children shouldn’t be dragged into the conflicts of adults.”
      • I thought subbers had learned how to translate Japanese after almost three decades of experience.
  • Crank waxes mournful about children suffering unnecessarily while fighting a child unnecessarily.
    • I don’t think you’re really sincere about that, Crank.
  • Augus wants to kill this guy simply because Or(l)ga told him to.
    • ……….
      • Right.
        • Okay. That’s not creepy or twisted.
  • “Mika knows that he has to be strong in order to live.” – Or(l)ga
    • Incoherent philosophical Japanese babble, AWAY!
      • And now they’re going to wax philosophical about risks and strength and blah blah blah blah blah.
        • Tl;dr: gambaru-ing solves all your problems, no matter what they are.
          • So get back to work, salaryman. Your boss needs those projections by 3:00a tomorrow. Stay late if you have to. Sacrifice your happiness for the company. Gambatte.
  • “He’s [Augus] boorish yet honorable.” -Or(l)ga
    • I’d say he’s just boorish, considering his demonstrated penchant for cold-blooded executions.
      • “He’s full of contradictions. But that’s why he’s strong.” -Or(l)ga
        • Some Sunrise writer: “My characters are so three-dimensional and well-rounded! Tee hee hee!”
          • Neither God nor Satan will take the souls of these writers when they die, alone and unmourned.
  • NO. MIKAZUKI IS NOT AMAZING. HE’S THE DULLEST ANIME PROTAGONIST SINCE KIRITO FROM SWORD ART ONLINE.
  • “Will I be able to fight like him?” -“Kudelia”
    • As if that’s a desirable goal for any sane human being.
      • “Kudelia” processes, struggles with, and ultimately abandons the insane idea of having the surgery to pilot the Hitler Hungry Hungry Hippos, all within five minutes of it popping into her head.
        • Because now she knows she can fight in another way. Or something.
          • Yay, “Kudelia”. That character arc lasted less than fifteen minutes. Congratulations.
            • Now get back in the kitchen and cook food for the men. You can use your hair as kindling.
  • Notice how none of these retards are the least bit concerned about this pitched battle between two towering Machines of Death happening twenty feet away from them.
    • It’s almost as if they read the script in advance.
      • One also wonders how “Kudelia’s” dress is still immaculate after being exposed to the wrath of the rusty soil of Mars.
  • “I’ve never been victimized for anything. I’m just doing what I can for me and my comrades.” -Mikazuki Augus
    • LOL.
      • Sure, kid.
        • Sure.
          • You know, apart from growing up as an orphan, having a life-threatening surgery forced upon you, being forced to work for assholes, etc.
            • Your entire life is the definition of victimhood, you fucktard.
              • Tl;dr, gambaru-ing solves all your problems. So get back in the kitchen, Japanese housewife. Make that dinner and don’t worry about your own fulfillment.
  • This is the worst Gundam Duel I’ve ever seen.
    • It’s beyond boring. I can’t even dedicate a single neuron to caring about it.
      • At least Gundam Wing had generals in Napoleonic uniforms flying around in blimps and shouting “INTELLIGENT BATTLE!!!!” and other such bombast to keep me interested.
        • This is less fun and exciting than watching Mike Huckabee talk about wholesome Christian methods for paint drying.
  • A weapon the size of a house just crashed into the earth literally two feet away from Or(l)ga.
    • The only thing anyone suffers from that is a mild pattering of Martian dust.
      • Sure, kids.
        • Sure.
  • OH MY GOD. IT’S FINALLY OVER. FREE AT LAST.
  • “Tekkadan.” -These Incompetent Subbers thrice
    • “To call ourselves a rotten name like CGS just irritates me.” -Or(l)ga
      • That’s funny, because I still don’t even know what the fuck “CGS” even means.
        • So why should I give a shit?
  • TETSU NO HANA.
    • See, it’s a Kanji joke. 鉄 (tetsu) is obvious, but you can’t tell by sound what “ka” means. “Kudelia” thinks “tekka” = 鉄火, but Or(l)ga means 鉄花.
      • The Japanese love their puns AND inside jokes. As if this show couldn’t get any worse: now it’s trying to be pretentious.
        • Good luck, dubbers. Good luck trying to make that shit work in English.
  • “The iron flower that never wilts.” – Or(l)ga
    • Um, Or(l)ga. It’s not alive to begin with, so of course it can’t wilt.
      • That’s a fucking stupid name.
  • WHY ARE THESE MACHINES BLEEDING? THEY ARE ACTUALLY BLEEDING RED BLOOD.
    • WHAT THE FUCK.
      • ARE THEY ALIVE?
  • Leave it to Augus, ever the morally upright, to ask what happens if he wins the duel only after he wins it.
  • So, basically, Crank achieved nothing and Augus achieved nothing. NOBODY ACCOMPLISHED ANYTHING.
    • YAAAAAAAAAAAY. FILLER.
  • “If I go back with negative results, my actions will reflect poorly on all the troops.” -Crank Zent
    • -And These Incompetent Subbers x4
      • Actual English: “If I go back empty-handed, I’ll have disgraced my comrades yet again.”
        • Reality: “Shit. I’ve already disgraced my comrades by disobeying orders and throwing my life away for no reason. Fuck me.”
  • “But if I can end my life here, I will carry all the responsibility with me…” -Crank Zent
    • ….
      • Go fuck yourself, Crank. Go fuck yourself and your suicidal Japanese obsession with honor or something.
        • Just fucking die, you worthless piece of shit.
  • AUGUS IS A MONSTER.
    • Not only does he execute a man in cold blood the third time this morning, he then erotically SMELLS THE BRACELET ATRA GAVE HIM RIGHT AFTER DOING SO.
      • AS IF HE JUST HAD SEX AND IS NOW BASKING IN THE AFTERGLOW.
        • JESUS. H. CHRIST.
          • WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SHOW?
  • Il Duce, smiling cravenly, cravenly whines about not being able to cravenly get any money out of the situation.
    • Eugene, being also not-Japanese, agrees for no reason.
  • “Kudelia” asks them to keep escorting her, even though they have no reason to do so.
    • She even promises them money.
      • Except she has absolutely no control over any of her family’s assets.
        • The family that just tried to SELL HER OUT TO BLATANT MURDERERS AND RAPISTS.
  • Conveniently, “Kudelia” has gone from being the innocent, naive daughter of the leader of Mars to the leader of the Mars Independence Movement to a dissident with connections to rich people, all as the writers need her to be.
    • “Kudelia”‘s character is so misogynist she’s meta-submissive.
  • “Nobliss Gordon.” Pbbbbth ha ha ha ha ha.
    • These names. These fucking names.
      • Il Duce, cravenly obsessed with money as he is like all craven Europeans, cravenly knows about this supposedly super rich guy.
  • Augus doesn’t give a shit.
    • DO THESE PEOPLE NOT REALIZE THEY ARE ADORING AND HARBORING A MURDEROUS PSYCHOPATH WHO APPARENTLY GETS OFF ON KILLING PEOPLE?
  • “We Tekkadan will make sure we deliver you to Earth safely.” -These Incompetent Subbers V
    • Having already explained that “Tekkadan” means “Iron Flower,” they use it again for no reason.
      • Actual English: “The Iron Flower will ensure you are delivered to Earth safe and sound.”
        • It’s even fits the deferential, honorific language Or(l)ga is using much better.
  • “よろしくお願いします。” -“Kudelia”
    • Look, a set Japanese phrase. IT’S CUTE.
      • Maybe something will happen now that we’ve gotten these shitty introductory episodes out of the way.
  • AND NOW THEY’RE GOING TO EXPLAIN “TEKKADAN” AGAIN.
    • GOD.
      • EXCEPT THEY MAGICALLY KNOW WHAT IT MEANS VIA MASS TELEPATHY.
  • Eugene has shifted to being a total asshole because puppies.
  • That’s a goddamn cross explosion. I knew it.
    • Maybe this will end the same way The End of Evangelion does: with everyone dying.
      • Whoops, spoilers.

Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 2

My character has only been done a zillion times before!! Tee hee!!

My character has only been done a zillion times before!! Tee hee hee!!

Episode 2 – Hitlerami Damacy

  • Stiiiiiill 15 seconds of logos.
  • Augus the Japanese sexily exhales blood.
    • This generally means he should go to a hospital.
  • Did it…really just take him 5 seconds to swing his giant-ass sword and cleave that enemy Mobile Suit in two?
    • I don’t even remember the asshole’s name from last week. What was, it…Orlis? Maybe?
      • Who gives a fuck.
        • No, seriously. Either the asshole is dead OOOOOOR he’s going to stay dead for X amount of episodes until he comes back via deus ex machina with an absurd revenge complex v. Augus. Complete with a very scarred face.
          • YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT, BITCHES.
  • Fade to black, then to a flashback WE’VE ALREADY SEEN BEFORE.
  • Holy. God. In Heaven.
    • SILLY.KUDELIAS-CRAZY-HAIR
      • Augus, someone has to style “Kudelia’s” hair. It’s a suicide mission, I know, but IT’S A JOB ONLY YOU CAN DO!!
        • Some poor Martian logistician somewhere: “how does all the hairspray on the planet keep disappearing?”
  • Um, so some random-ass door opens up and reveals Augus shirtless in front of the princess. How did either of them get from point A to point B?
    • “Kudelia” has just been standing around like a useless twerp while Augus was just in a Gundam two seconds ago. How did any of this happen?
      • Fuck it, it’s all about establishing sexual tension or something, right? Right.
        • Sunrise is the laziest anime studio on Earth, Mars, and goddamn Pluto.
  • 15 seconds of drilling and mechanical work. And I don’t mean sex, kids.
  • LOL.
    • Maruba, the worst businessman on Earth, Mars, and goddamn Pluto, stowed away a fully-functional Gundam that doesn’t have a scratch on it just to sell it to someone else.
      • That is more convenient than a conjunction of all nine planets in the solar system.
  • Wait…wouldn’t removing all the space around the cockpit negatively affect its capabilities? And why would they do that anyway? That’s an unnecessary expense if you’re just going to resell it.
    • Maruba, the worst financier on Earth, Mars, and goddamn Pluto.
  • Man, it’s a good thing these highly complex machines can be stored for a bajillion years with no maintenance and still go straight into combat without a hitch AND interface with highly complex military combat interfaces that were built centuries after it.
    • Huh. Mars and Jupiter are aligning all of a sudden. Weird.
  • “Alaya-Vijnana.”
    • There is no way that eponym will ever not be hilarious.
      • That’s another 100 trillion yen, Japan. Pay up.
  • Since I’m the only viewer paying the slightest bit of attention, the “Calamity War” took place two centuries ago, so there is no fucking way this Gundam’s combat system is even remotely compatible with any of this technology.
    • Sunrise, your bullshit deus ex nonsense isn’t cool or impressive. It just exposes your complete lack of ambition or creativity when it comes to this exhausted franchise.
  • OH MY GOD. “KUDELIA” SOMEHOW KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT A 200-YEAR OLD WAR MACHINE.
    • (But not any of the real problems contemporary Martians are dealing with right now.)
      • Nah, that requires her to touch the truth with her own hands or some happy-feely Japanese-y bullshit.
        • At least she found some moral compunction buried underneath all that hair.
  • “Using nanomachines, it creates a pseudo-brain lobe that governs spatial awareness.” -Or(l)ga
    • Wow. Okay.
      • 1. How’s this for a translation? “And with those nanomachines, it creates a simulated brain lobe that governs spatial awareness.”
      • 2. This is the most fucking amazing technology ever. Why is this thing sitting in a junkyard waiting to be resold for scrap?
      • 3. Oh gee, what a surprise, it allows the brain to directly process Mobile Suit data.
        • Huh. That sounds oddly familiar.
          • 04
            • Oh yeah. That was in another Gundam series made two decades ago and it just happened to turn every person who used it into ADOLF HITLER.
              • GREAT IDEA, MORONS.
                • We can’t waste any time. Gotta introduce the Crazy-Gundam system in Episode 2 instead of Episode 30 this time.
  • Let’s just stop and consider how pathetic it is that Sunrise is ripping off the same character designs and story elements from one of its own series from twenty years ago.
    • “Kudelia” just happens to look and feel a lot like Relena Peacecraft.
    • Augus just happens to look and sound a lot like Heero Yuy…except, you know, without all the legendary psychopathy.
    • Augus’ Gundam uses the Zero System because Sunrise couldn’t think of anything original to save its hide from anus-probing space aliens from Uhgpoiahpblax II.
  • If they’ve managed to perfect artificial brain simulation, then why isn’t everyone on Mars/Earth in a virtual simulation right now?
  • “Without this system, an uneducated kid like him couldn’t operate this thing.”
    • Wow. Okay again.
      • 1. Thanks for having your own characters say “it’s basically just a fucking plot device.” It really clears things up.
      • 2. That’s not how the human brain works. Even with a magical brain simulation thingie, you’d still have to take loads of training just to know how to operate any Mobile Suit in combat, let alone effectively.
        • Leave it to Sunrise to come up with a twenty-year-old plot device that doesn’t even work under its own logic.
  • BY THE WAY, Augus, this just might sooooooooooooorrta kinda possibly maybe make you want to kill all the Jews.
    • If you’re okay with that.
      • I mean, I’m not judging or anything.
  • “Your cerebral nerves could…”
    • “That’s okay. I never use them much anyway.”
      • Except right there.
        • And in every moment of your waking life.
          • Ha ha ha, what a fucking retarded joke.
  • “Kudelia” expresses shocked concern. Not because she’s thinking through how FUCKED UP all of this actually is, but that’s what her character is supposed to do.
    • “Is your life not precious to you?” -“Kudelia” Aina Bernstein
      • BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARF.
    • “Of course it is. My life and everybody else’s.” -Mikazuki Augus
      • BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARF.
    • *exhale of shocked revelation* – “Kudelia” Aina Bernstein
      • Now I need a goddamn Hitler Machine.
  • Hey, let’s use this 200-year-old neural interface device WITHOUT TESTING IT FIRST.
  • “Barbados.” It means “Zero” in Martian.
  • “How do you read this?” -Mikazuki Augus
    • LOL
      • What, are you saying this asshole mechanic can fix up a 200-year-old war machine but CAN’T READ THE LATIN ALPHABET?
        • He just babbles on for five seconds going “Barb..bara…ba…”
          • WAIT. AUGUS CAN’T READ IT TOO.
            • PBTH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
  • Augus suffers horrendous neural feedback and probably tetanus + gangrene after interfacing recklessly with the 200-year-old Hitler Machine.
  • Biscuit casually reminds them that there is still, in fact, a battle going on outside.
    • Shame that nobody in this scene expressed any concern whatsoever about that.
  • Oh boo. Instead of dying in horrific convulsions like any human being actually would, Augus overcomes the Hitler Dance Party Machine through sheer force of will. Somehow.
    • One of my lifelong dreams has become seeing Sunrise’s HQ burn to the ground in righteous, cleansing fire.
  • How did the Hitler Rave Device teach Augus its own name? Why would it have the capability or mechanism to do that?
  • Um, are you bleeding from your nose, Augus?
    • Eh, whatever. It’s probably not a life-threatening aneurysm. You can go.
  • Man, it’s a good thing this 200-year-old retinal projector is working perfectly fine after 200 years of rust, neglect, and a complete lack of maintenance.
  • “Kudelia” actually asks if the protagonist of an anime with 25 planned episodes can win a minor skirmish in its second episode.
    • Gee, “Kudelia,” I dunno. The odds sure seemed stacked against him.
      • It’s so suspenseful.
  • Biscuit spouts cliche Japanese nonsense that hasn’t inspired anyone since 1989 and basically amounts to stating the obvious.
  • The English in this opening sequence is so goddamn stupid.
    • When did this become a trend in Japan? Having Japanese bands hire some hack English writer to scrawl out incoherent gobbledygook and collect a check?
      • “All misleads they give ignoring our decisions.”
      • “Killing yourself your soul we have inside.”
      • Notice how the only female characters visible are not only outnumbered just by the male extras 10-1, but are also all in supporting roles.
        • Would be nice to have a FEMALE LEAD GUNDAM PILOT sometime in the next two hundred years.
          • At least “Lieutenant” Noin was shown to be a kinda-competent Mobile Suit pilot in an anime from TWENTY YEARS AGO.
  • And now back to the combat. I wonder who’s going to win.
  • The scared n00bie pilot is freaking out over here or something.
    • WE RUSHED IN WITH BAD INTELLIGENCE AND NOW IT’S COMING BACK TO BITE US IN THE ASS. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE WHAAAAA.
  • Calm down, Ein. (Thanks for telling me his name again.) You haven’t seen Orlis’ body yet. I’m sure it’s quite possible he’s still alive.
  • Man, it’s a good thing this ragtag group of underfunded child laborers had the proper fuel to make this 200-year-old Hitler Race Race Revolution Machine move.
  • “NIGASU NNA!”
    • Oh, so terrifying: it’s a line that every anime character in combat ever has uttered in indignant rage. The suspense grips me.
  • Let me guess: Crank, a veteran with a machine that is 200 years newer and who has far more combat experience, is about to be crushed by the 12-year-old kid with the Hitler Karaoke Machine.
  • Um. WAIT. IS AUGUS USING HUMAN SHIELDS? HA.
    • That Hitler Xbox sure doesn’t waste time, does it?
      • I am losing my shit.
  • Sigh, Ein charges in recklessly and protests that this highly reckless attack will somehow do something even though it clearly won’t.
    • Ein, how does it feel to be a one-dimensional character with a highly predictable character arc?
      • Must be quite the existential experience, I’d warrant.
        • Maybe you should find another job that doesn’t crush both body and soul.
          • Like at Wal-Mart.
  • Of course, they’re both magically on the same radio frequency.
    • Sunrise, go fuck yourself and jump in a frozen lake.
  • 20 seconds of pressing against each other’s weapons. Yawn.
  • Crank is surprised to find a child piloting a Mobile Suit after attacking an installation he knows is filled with children.
    • I can scarcely imagine how Crank will react when he finds out that water is wet. He might have a heart attack.
      • Nobody tell him.
  • Augus is talking about slaughtering them all.
    • Um, Sunrise? Is this supposed to be profound? Because it’s just horrifying.
  • “I AM LOSING BY STRENGTH.” -Crank
    • These subbers suck my balls.
      • What native English speaker would EVER say that?
        • Hey, here’s an idea: “HOW IS HE OVERPOWERING ME?”
          • Put me on this subbing team, for Christ’s sake.
  • “WHAT GREAT REACTION SPEED.” -Crank
    • Can you guess what Japanese word started that sentence?
      • HMMMM.
        • Could it be…なんて?
          • NOOOO. NO WAY.
            • I, being in no way fluent in Japanese, could script an anime episode with little effort.
  • WTF. THE GUNDAM IS RUNNING OUT OF FUEL.
    • HOLY SHIT, LOGISTICS EXISTS IN THIS UNIVERSE.
      • MY SOUL IS REVIVED. PRAISE BE THE LORD MARS.
  • “Yamagi” has a bowl-cut of golden hair.
    • I could accept maybe one or two of these guys having Japanese surnames by sheer chance. Not five, six, or EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
      • Are we sure Sunrise also isn’t running a Hitler Karaoke Booth at its HQ? Someone go get a SWAT team and sort that shit out.
  • Oh dear, a bit of incompetence leads to Augus running out of fuel mid-battle. Not the sheer difficulties of a 200-year-old war machine even being compatible with modern fuel.
  • Man, it’s a good thing Augus has all this time for these two retards to spasm comically  about how they can’t do their fucking jobs.
  • If its thrusters don’t have fuel, how can it move?
    • Like, what’s the energy source allowing it to run around the battlefield like that? It has to be coming from somewhere.
      • The souls of small children? Does the Hitler Disco Party draw energy from them? I’m more willing to accept that than anything else I’ve seen so far.
  • Ein somehow received a shoulder wound through no discernible chain of events.
    • And is somehow piloting his complex Mobile Suit with one hand on the controls.
      • Sure, Sunrise.
  • Crank’s years of experience tell him to retreat at the exact moment when the tactical situation shifts overwhelmingly in his favor.
    • They could seriously just kill Augus right now, but aren’t for some reason.
      • That reason is called bling-bling.
  • Uh, Augus? I think your jugular vein just ruptured.
    • I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’re in good hands with Grandpa Hitler Doll.
  • Meanwhile, the evil Caucasian peeps still haven’t had time to fix their faces.
  • No no, just stand there staring pensively at the Gundam while Augus is bleeding to death inside. He’ll wait.
    • He doesn’t use those nerves anyway. His words.
  • Random female character whose name we don’t even know is driving an impossibly stupid and dangerous one-wheeler truck across the Martian landscape.
  • Oh yeah, she totally heard those two girls shouting at her over the roar of her engine.
    • Nothing in this series makes any goddamn sense.
  • “何?失敗しただと?!”
    • No, seriously, I could go write an episode for Sunrise. Why not?
      • How shocking that such a hastily and ill-conceived mission whose objectives weren’t ever clear in the first place failed miserably.
  • “We lost a third of our soldiers and a Graze.” -Crank
    • Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but I saw Augus kill exactly one person. I guess that technically counts as a “third”, but really? That’s overselling your losses, Crank.
  • “Kudelia” is actually “Kuderia.”
    • I don’t give a fuck. It’s not changing, bitches.
      • Besides, as retarded as “Kudelia” sounds, it still sounds a billion times better than “Kuderia.”
        • No, seriously. Try pronouncing “Kuderia” with an English r-sound.
          • Now you feel bad, don’t you? You should.
  • ”ふざけるな!!”
    • I’m typing up my resume to Sunrise right now. How do you say “To Whom It May Concern” in Japanese?
  • “NANTE KOTO KA?”
    • First-grade literature right here.
      • How did my terrible plan fail so terribly? I must now bristle at the sweat on my brow while clenching my fist on my desk.
        • What a unique and original pose no anime character has ever done before.
  • “Kudelia Aina Bernstein” is apparently also the leader of the Martian independence movement.
    • Uh, two hours ago she was just the daughter of Mars’ leader who wanted to find out about the real world. When did she become the leader of an opposition movement? While she was fixing her insane hair?
  • Huh? Their plan was to assassinate “Kudelia” using clearly-marked Earth security forces and hope the Independence Movement just fizzled out instead of flaring up?
    • These writers haven’t the slightest inkling of how humans or geopolitics actually work.
      • Or anything else, for that matter.
        • Sunrise? More like Sundown.
          • …sorry, that’s all I got.
  • Then Mars would go into further turmoil and hate Earth further…which would accomplish what, exactly?
  • This man is insane. How did he get into a position of power?
  • “WHO CARES IF THEY ARE KIDS?” -Asshole Commander
    • Um, all of humanity.
      • This commander apparently has never heard of the term “PR”.
        • How does slaughtering children out of hand help solidify support against the Martians?
          • Answer: it doesn’t.
            • But this moron is a thrall of the plot, so he must say comically genocidal things just to get things moving instead of having relatable people do relatably tragic things in a tragic conflict.
  • Oh dear, Danji is dead.
    • ….no one cares.
      • Except this guy, for some reason.
        • I don’t care that he’s dead. He went out like a fucking idiot and got himself killed. Boo hoo.
          • And apparently his only defining character trait was that he wanted to die smothered in breasts.
            • ….is that supposed to be funny, Sunrise?
  • Generic First Corps guys all have the same face.
    • I am not kidding.
  • This one Caucasian Devil needs twenty rounds of plastic surgery.
    • He is never passing on his genes, that’s for sure.
  • Some random Italian-looking guy rubs his nostrils with his finger and looks all sheepishly conniving.
    • Yep. Confirmed. Sunrise has a Hitler Playstation.
  • Why is this twelve-year-old girl allowed to drive across a Martian landscape to deliver goods to a rundown military unit?
    • She’s four feet tall and is driving a truck with one wheel in its front. How does that thing even survive a bumpy road?
  • Biscuit has twin sisters named “Cookie” and “Cracker”, neither of whom are fat.
    • ….is that supposed to be funny, Sunrise?
  • Uh, are you expecting me to believe this rundown brigade has a fancy, modern waiting lobby?
    • Seriously?
      • I hate this series. I really fucking hate it.
  • Aww, the twin sisters are acting precocious just like all other 妹たち have done in every anime ever.
  • Oh, her name is Atra. Only took 45 minutes of total screen time to say it once.
    • But they have all the wherewithal to say every male character’s name every two seconds just to make sure the audience doesn’t forget.
      • It’s fucking insulting.
  • “Where’s Mikazuki?” -Atra
    • Oh, nowhere. Just suffering a brain hemorrhage in a place with no medical facilities.
      • Wait, he couldn’t cut the link to the Hitler Goat Simulator while Augus was unconscious and the system was off…?
        • He had to turn it back on just to disconnect it?
          • …….
            • I have no words.
  • Poor you, Crank. Your attack on child soldiers cost you one casualty while slaughtering 110 of the other side.
    • What a “crushing” defeat.
  • Atra has an unrequited relationship with Augus.
    • 10 points to Gryffindor for originality.
  • Suddenly “Kudelia,” who two hours ago was just a girl trying to find out the truth of the world, is speaking to the United Nations and conveniently explaining Mars’ cosmopolitical setup that has lasted since the Calamity War.
    • Apparently Earth is divided into four economic blocs…?
      • And this division is what caused Mars to be poor.
        • …okay. That makes little sense on its face.
    • And this setup has caused lots of children to die.
      • Because Mars has a developed industrial economy but also has a high birthrate somehow?
        • …no.
    • Oh, I get it. This is supposed to tie in with the “Iron-Blooded Orphans” title.
      • They honestly want us to believe that Mars is a planet populated mainly by children
        • It’s not happening, Sunrise.
  • “Kudelia’s” stupid hair offends my soul.
    • She has the gall to lecture Earth on how children are dying, but consumes more hairspray than an entire city.
      • And now she blames herself for all this…?
        • Why? She had nothing to do with it at all.
  • Fumitan returns.
    • “Where have you been?”
    • “Hiding like a smart person, you stupid bitch.”
  • Norman Bernstein wants his daughter back.
    • I wonder if “Kudelia” will defy his wishes.
      • Oh look, “Kudelia” just defied his wishes.
  • “This trip to Earth was supposed to be done in secrecy.” -Kudelia
    • Funny how every single person on Mars knew about it somehow.
      • And how would you keep a 5-month journey to represent a planet a secret anyhow? What would the point of that be?
  • I, “Kudelia,” having just nearly died in a horrific attack involving the massacre of innocent children, must now refuse safety until I can “confirm” some vague philosophical goal and develop my character a millimeter forward into well-traveled territory.
    • Fumitan, get me some more hairspray.
  • CAN WE HAVE ONE FEMALE PROTAGONIST IN AN ANIME THAT IS CONFIDENT ABOUT THEMSELVES FOR ONCE?
    • MY GOD.
  • Augus has the balls to cut her off.
    • But only to lecture her about looking down on his nakama-tachi or something. Because reasons.
      • This is anime at its lowest and most cliche.
  • GENERIC SHOCKED LOOK OF REACTION.
  • Now it’s time to pontificate about how ignorant she is for five more minutes.
    • HER HAIR IS WIDER THAN HER ENTIRE BODY.
      • OH, HIS EYES. THOSE EYES WERE SO FIERCE AND DEFIANT.
        • TAKE ME AND DEFLOWER ME, AUGUS.
  • I want these twins to die impaled on a rusted metal girder.
    • “Kudelia,” for her part, can die drenched in hairspray with a burning match tossed on top of her.
  • The evil thugs appropriately look like thugs.
    • Mr. Caucasian Devil still needs his teeth and/or cheeks fixed.
  • Why are any of these people afraid of Lupin IV? He’s obviously a complete shitbag who tried to abandon them in the middle of battle and they know it.
    • Why don’t they just call him on his shit? They just saved their asses. You really think anyone in the unit besides Lupin IV’s little cowardly cadre will support him?
  • “あいつらゆるせねえ!”
    • Cliche line #96874635213654698745.
  • Oh wait, they’re actually talking about doing something. Finally something mildly engaging might happen.
    • “I did, but in this sort of situation?” -Eugene
      • You mean the one where they just tried to leave you all for dead and then beat your leader to a bloody pulp for standing his ground and doing his job?
        • It sounds like the perfect time to take over. Eugene was willing to suggest a coup when everything seemed peachy. Why is he getting cold feet now, of all times?
  • By the way, I still don’t know what “CGS” stands for.
  • You know, if Maruba and the First Corps were such scum, it begs the question as to why these guys have put up with this shit for so long in the first place.
  • Or(l)ga is the distant ancestor of Trowa Barton or something.
    • Or(l)ga, the second-most prolific hairspray consumer in the Mars Sphere.
      • Also this scene’s Exposition Maestro.
  • “We’re human debris.” -Akihiro
    • As if any Japanese viewer would know off the top of their heads what “Hyuuman Debburi” means.
      • And he declares he’ll mindlessly obey whoever’s in charge instead of, you know, taking charge.
        • What a memorable character.
  • Or(l)ga forgot about Augus, the guy who is probably still bleeding to death somewhere.
  • MEANWHILE, AT THE HALLS OF JUSTICE.
    • Ein’s only redeeming quality is his delicious pecs.
      • Magical cartoon bandages heal all injuries.
    • Crank seriously intends to go back and fight the people who just kicked his ass all by his lonesome.
      • Good on him. I hope he fucking dies.
  • Crank babbles on about soldiers and disgrace, forgetting that he just killed 110 children.
    • OOOOOPS.
  • “I don’t want to fight.” -Crank
    • So don’t fight.
      • “But if I have no choice but to fight…”
        • So just run away and don’t fight. I honestly don’t see what’s the dilemma, Crank.
  • Augus is apathetically fatalistic.
    • Meh. I don’t care either.
  • Blah blah blah, gambare, blah blah blah.
  • “But if it’s something you decided, I’ll do it.” -Augus
    • Ummm….what if it involves killing all the Jews?
      • Oh wait, no, you’re cool with that already.
  • Great. These fuckwits showed up.
    • “Specialist Major” Fareed and “Specialist Major” Bauduin.
      • Anaphylactic shock, here I come.
  • MWA HA HA, I AM MAJOR CORAL AND I LOOK LIKE THE LOVECHILD OF ALEC BALDWIN AND CLAUDE FROLLO. BO HA HA HA HA.
    • LOOK AT HOW EVIRU AND GROVORINGU I AM.
  • Oh gee, the highfalutin Specialist Majors (as if that’s a rank somewhere) interrupt Major Coral in order to establish their imposing will of character.
    • No one’s ever done that before.
  • KATAKANA CREDIT BARRAGE GOOOOOOOOOOOO.
  • ….is that a cross explosion?
    • Hideki Anno is gonna sue somebody.
  • Look at all these children climbing unaided on this five-story-tall war machine.
    • It’s totally not dangerous.
  • “Kudelia’s” hair is taller than the cornstalks in this frame.
    • Burn the corn. Burn the land.

Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 1

MOICHANDIZING!!

MOICHANDIZING!!

Episode I – Get in the Fucking Robot

  • 15 seconds of logos.
  • PP 3/5. Man, they don’t waste time with the inane foreshadowing.
  • Oh great, they’re kids. Because no Gundam series could ever deal with adults and be successful.
    • Oh good, they’re not kids. They’re teens instead. Who…somehow have the voices and bodies of adults. Or something.
  • “Slacking off” apparently means “sleeping” in their language.
  • Why does he have a Japanese name in the future? I mean, really? What are the odds of that, considering he has WHITE FUCKING HAIR?
  • “Maruba” (another inexplicably Japanese name) is the “president”. Ooookay…
  • Oh look, it’s a Gundam. Ten bucks says one of these two will be piloting it in less than thirty minutes.
    • Money. It’s a gas.
  • If the engine room is “top secret”, you should probably keep it guarded instead of unlocked and easily penetrated by two truants.
    • One minute into the series and these people are idiots.
  • We’ll give the Gundam one extra scene. Gundams always need more screentime so the kids will buy our shit–I mean, because they’re very important to the story.
  • And we’re on a terra-formed Mars. I seeeee.
  • Of course the representative has a daughter and needs escorts for her trip to Earth…as if she has any sort of diplomatic experience or authority.
    • Gee, I wonder who those escorts are going to be. HMMMMMMMM.
  • “The Third Group” looks like the most unprofessional group of whatever-the-fuck-they-are on the planet. They’re wearing green and orange uniforms. Green and orange.
    • Not one of them is gay. Calling it right now.
  • “Kudelia Aina Bernstein.”
    • Pbbbbth ha ha ha ha ha. Did they pick three random English words out of a name dictionary and smash them together? Pbbbbbbtttttth.
      • As required by the Diet of Japan, the voice actor paused for 0.68 seconds to say that weird “English” name.
  • “Biscuit.” Oh, he’s chubby. That’s why they named him biscuit. How cute.
  • So “Kudelia’s” mission just happens to be a cosmopolitical fulcrum that, should something untoward happen to it, might trigger a war or open conflict. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
    • Sunrise, you might want to try a different plot. I’m pretty sure there are a few dozen others ones you can work with. Just go take a writing class and stop being lazy.
  • “Kudelia” picked these guys. Since when does she have a say in her military escort? Is she a soldier? Does she know anything about that? Does the President of the United States handpick his Secret Service escorts every day? No.
  • GRUFF VAGUELY LATIN AMERICAN HARDASS YELLS AT THEM.
    • (Latin American diversity quota: check.)
      •  I’ll call him Lupin IV. He looks vaguely like him.
        • Yeah, way to go, Lupin IV: talk down to them and treat them like shit for no goddamn reason. That’ll help.
  • WHY…ARE THEY HAVING TEENAGERS CONDUCT LANDMINE-PLACEMENT DRILLS?
    • ARE THESE PEOPLE ALL HIGH?
      • IT’S ONLY THE THIRD MINUTE OF THE ANIME AND THEY’RE ALREADY VIOLATING THE GENEVA CONVENTION.
        • AND THEN THEY’RE GONNA HAVE THEM REMOVE THEM TOMORROW? THE FUCK.
  • THEY’RE CONDUCTING LIVE-FIRE EXERCISES INVOLVING HIGH-SPEED VEHICLES RIGHT NEXT TO THE CHILDREN CONDUCTING LANDMINE-PLACEMENT DRILLS.
    • HOLY SHIT.
  • Wait…why are they not wearing shirts while piloting these? Um…okay.
    • I mean, I don’t mind per se. It’s just incredibly fucking stupid.
  • “Mikazuki Augus”. That is not his fucking name.
    • Like, seriously, what are the odds this random guy is Japanese?
  • ABUSING TEENAGERS CONDUCTING FORCED LABOR.
    • Real sympathetic, Martians. I so want to root for you now.
  • Racist caricature of a Caucasian man. His jaw is crooked and his cheeks are shaped in the form of evil.
    • For great justice, Nippon. Except to anyone who doesn’t look like us.
  • “CGS”. Why do they all have these uniforms and these teenagers have none?
  • Blonde guy questions the idiocy of this entire plan to escort “Kudelia”.
    • Oh, nice job on translating “お嬢様” as “Young Miss”, you lazy subbers. As if any person speaking a language other than Japanese would say it like that.
      • They’d call her by her actual name. Be creative for once.
  • Biscuit is eating happily. It’s funny. Because he’s fat.
  • Takaki, the guy who does not look at all like someone of Japanese lineage, has a Japanese surname. Why?
    • Ethnocentrism, 123! It’s bad for you, but good for me!
  • The Blonde Guy is now spouting off exposition in order to kill time. Nobody gives a goddamn shit, you asshole.
  • Uh, “Kudelia”, I don’t think picking a squad of greasers to escort you to another planet was the best idea you’ve had in your short life.
  • “Eugene.” At least he looks like he could be “Eugene”, not fucking Takaki over there who looks like he was born in fucking Connecticut.
  • Mikazuki nearly rips this poor guy’s ear off. So sympathetic.
  • “Akihiro,” the first person with a Japanese surname who actually looks like he could kinda sorta be Japanese.
    • …progress? I guess?
  • Oh God. “Kudelia” calls her mother “お母さま”. Why. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
    • Bitch is a stuck-up ho. Because that’s the only way a woman can be competent.
      • Equality is for LOSERS.
  • Why does her mother call her by her middle name “Aina” and sound like every other old Japanese mother in every anime ever? Sunrise is really pulling out all the cliches in this one.
    • Oh, and she’s so softspoken and ladylike and drinking tea. The perfect stereotype of a perfect noblewoman.
      • Fuck you, Japan.
  • “お父様”.
    • Fuck you, “Kudelia”.
    • Fuck you, “Mom”.
      • Also, why is your father giving you such an important task as this? It seems, I dunno, batshit insane.
        • Also also, how many gallons of hair spray do you go through a day, you little twerp?
  • GRRR, I HATE MY STEREOTYPICALLY WEAK-WILLED MOTHER. GOD FORBID KIDS IN ANIME EVER HAVE NORMAL, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEIR PARENTS.
  • This poor maid is probably like “Bitch, I have to change your shit-damp sheets every day. I don’t want to hear about your First World Problems.”
  • “I want to see and feel the truth.”
    • This is the extent of “Kudelia’s” character. There is a 10^-billion chance she’ll be developed any further.
  • “I chose these child soldiers to escort me because they weren’t born under Earth Rule.”
    • I will also ignore they’re child soldiers and that using them is morally reprehensible on its face.
      • I, “Kudelia”, am the best mediator in the universe.
  • “I have to interact with such people to learn what the real problems of Mars are like.”
    • As opposed to reading about it and educating yourself beforehand through far safer means at far more appropriate times.
      • If you’re planning to represent your entire planet, you might want to have done a little homework in advance before the day you set out.
  • “Norman Bernstein.”
    • He lives in a split-level tree.
      • Hee hee, the Japanese have no idea.
        • Oh, of course he’s craven and weak-willed. Like all Japanese fathers.
  • “Sir Coral.”
    • Is an evil asshole.
      • Yellow and silver uniforms. Not a single person drawing this show is gay.
  • Orlis is also an evil asshole. He has that lovely Caucasian face that looks like it just went through an industrial blender.
  • Ein is an insecure n00bie. He’ll probably panic.
  • So many proper nouns we can’t pronounce, so little time! Woo hoo hoo hoo!
  • In order to properly set everything up in an anime, the first line out of a character’s mouth must include another character’s name.
  • “Gaelio.”
    • He needs a buff, Riot.
      • What nationality has purple hair?
  • “McGillis.”
    • Is also an evil asshole who waxes philosophical at every opportunity.
  • “The economy of Earth depends on Mars.”
    • Which is used up.
      • Somehow.
        • Lazy cosmopolitical setup is laaaaaaazy and stupid.
  • “Gjallarhorn.” Who comes up with this shit?
    • In case you didn’t notice, the Japanese are addicted to weird-ass foreign proper nouns. It’s like crack for them.
      • Their uniforms are only 600 years out of date. No one dresses with capes anymore, you retards.
  • For forced labor conditions, those cots are absurdly roomy.
  • Gay chin-up contest is gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
  • It takes 5 months to go from Earth and back. And Earth plans on enforcing its will on Mars…how exactly? That’s a longer time than it took to go from Great Britain to America.
  • I have no idea whom Orga (Olga?) is talking to.
    • “Whiskers”? The fuck is going on? What are these people talking about?
  • “Man-Machine Interface, the Alaya-Vijnana System”.
    • That one alone cost them 100 trillion yen.
  • FORCED IMPLANTATION OF CYBERNETIC DEVICES ON CHILD LABORERS. MARS IS SO SYMPATHETIC.
  • Oh, Olga is the kinda of guy with the will to overcome incredible pain without anesthetics. I’m pretty sure that’s not how biology works on any planet.
  • Please let Mikazuki and Orga be lovers. That would be fun.
  • “AFEWA” is the name of a popular Mars department store.
    • That, or the animators threw in the towel two minutes into drawing this scene.
  • What a very timely mass protest.
    • Complete with girls in swimsuits. Oh, Japan. You never change.
  • Wait. I guess it’s actually “Safeway”. Huh. Well, they got me there.
  • Enough about peaceful protesting. Time to go to the slums.
  • “Haba’s Store”. Prime cacti for sale.
    • Wait, so…who are these people?
      • One thing’s for sure: the black lady is definitely not a protagonist.
        • The white chick has red eyes. You know who’s the protagonist. Don’t try to deny it.
  • They stand with their feet apart when going to “attention”. Yeah, these are real soldiers. Totally.
    • And they show up in work uniforms as opposed to any sort of service dress. Mmmm, Okay.
  • Awkward greeting with “Kudelia” is awkward.
    • The poor guys are probably just trying not to laugh at her retarded name.
  • Of course she takes an inexplicable interest in Augus. We could never be original.
    • Fumitan (her maid) is like: “Bitch is on the prowl.”
  • LET’S SHAKE HANDS. IT’LL BE POIGNANT AND NOT AT ALL RIDICULOUS OR CLICHE.
    • And of course she’s now attracted to him because he was basically considerate.
      • Fumitan: “Bitch is a virgin.”
  • Sunrise still thinks it’s really insightful to have everyone pontificate about philosophy in their spare moments.
  • The Ahab Reactor is a plot device.
  • “Humans are like that.” I WAS WAITING FOR IT.
  • And all of a sudden there’s a massive armed attack.
  • Fumitan: “I’m not fucking paid enough for this. See ya, bitch.”
  • Augus, of course, is a genius at combat.
  • The leaders, of course, are craven and money-grubbing.
    • Every non-protagonist looks like a savage white devil. It’s so comical.
  • “Kudelia” is hopelessly naive. Because reasons.
  • HMMMM. THE GUNDAM. DUN DUN DUN.
    • No one saw *this* coming.
  • “Danji” is a fucking idiot and risks the lives of his squadmates in order to be a hero.
  • “Kudelia” is holding her hands together in a typical pose of womanly helplessness.
  • About time for the Mobile Suits to show up.
    • BUT IT’S A GOOD THING WE HAVE A GUNDAM. CONVENIENTLY.
  • Orlis is a sociopath.
  • Nobody thinks to, like, shoot at their legs. Or something.
  • Yawn. Augus comes to save the day in a fancy Gundam.
  • Orlis is dead.
  • Look at all that katakana in the credits. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
  • The English in this song is complete gibberish.

Keep avoiding risks and repeating the same tropes, Sunrise. At least it’ll get you into Purgatory.

P for Psychology: Heroes of the Storm, Matchmaking, and a Very Expensive Herring

Heroes of the Storm has been out for almost two months now, to moderate and respectable success. You should go play it if you enjoy games like League of Legends or DOTA2, but don’t enjoy slugging through libraries of guides on obtuse mechanics on last-hitting or jungling or whatever. However, this is not a plug. I condescend to you to discuss a problematic trend in the Heroes community right now. Despite the youth of the game, HotS continues to get a lot of flack for its “matchmaking problems.” This is the purported issue of how Heroes’ matchmaker prioritizes speed over relative skill as measured by MMR, leading to countless posts on how the matchmaker put someone with, say, 3000 MMR on the same team as someone with 2000 MMR. Moreover, since the rise of Hotslogs.com, MMR checking and other pernicious habits have started to infest the community’s mentality, despite Hotslogs.com being notoriously inaccurate. I do not dispute the existence of a matchmaking problem per se, since Blizzard has already admitted to certain issues with it, but I highly doubt just how widespread people think it is or if they even understand the supposed problem to begin with. From a higher perspective, my concern lies in people latching onto a convenient scapegoat instead of learning how to deal with the typical and inevitable variance they will encounter in an online multiplayer team game. As I said, Heroes is a young game; bad habits form easily in youth; bad habits die hard.

lol-in-past-few-battles-so-much-feeding-play-with-noobs_fb_2777317

Including making bad memes.

Matchmaking in an online game has, is, and always will be an art more than a science, particularly in a team-based game. Often people offer blind praise for the matchmaking caliber of a game like Starcraft 2…a single-player RTS game. When you get right down to it, it’s very difficult to match five players against five players while trying to narrow any potential skill-gap as much as possible, let alone accounting for stuff like allowing for friends to queue with each other. Games are not at the point where their systems can make comprehensive value judgments on a human’s behavior, so any sort of matchmaking rating is a post-facto attempt to gauge pure game performance. As everyone knows, damage meters don’t tell you how good of a player someone is. Win ratios don’t reveal if a person yells at his teammates every second game or grasps strategic priorities on every map. At the end of the day, MMR only conveys how often a person has won or lost relative to the player base over a long period of time. Everything in between is variance.

But what is variance? Well, it covers a lot of ground. For instance, no one’s knowledge of the game will ever be complete. Heroes is not a solved game, like checkers. It is constantly shifting and being adjusted by its developers, who are in turn making decisions based on the collective decisions of a vast playerbase. Nobody knows everything about everything in Heroes at every point in time. Most people don’t learn even half the heroes of the game very well, even people in Master League. This is why you end up with players that only play assassins well or who can never play support. You will run into those kinds of people at every layer of the playerbase. Knowledge variance never disappears; it just stabilizes over time as you tend to encounter more people with wider game knowledge and wider competencies.

The same applies to performance variance. Robots are not playing this game: humans are. Humans are meat-bag primates whose nervous systems and physiques did not evolve to play highly complex computer games online. We have physical and mental limitations that affect our ability to perform at tasks. Sleep problems, a bad breakfast (or no breakfast), a miserable day at work, frustrating social events, etc., can all very negatively affect one’s ability to make judgments in a game like Heroes. Glaurung has bad days. Zp has bad days. Nick has bad days (and breaks the screen to cope). Everyone has bad days. Everyone makes a bad call on occasion, whiffs that key skillshot, gets tunnel vision, mixes up spawn timers, or even prioritizes playing a champion to have fun over winning. Just like knowledge variance, performance variance never goes away.

snape_ragequit_by_juliabohemian-d5gx3qz

What? I had to get a Snape reference in here.

So what does this all have to do with matchmaking? Well, everything. Matchmaking is no god. It does not determine everything that happens to you. In fact, unless you’re at a very competitive level of the Heroes community, it probably doesn’t affect your games much at all. The other stuff I mentioned is so much more important. Skill gaps, even tiny ones, can have far more drastic influence on how often you win or lose. Your team knowing when to take mercs or to go for an objective, or knowing how certain champions scale and which ones counter which, can make or break a match before it even begins. The mere skill of knowing when to back off is something most people at the lower strata of play don’t understand, even though it’s vitally important. To chalk everything up to “I was matched with a n00b” is both lazy and self-defeating. There are very few matches where you played perfectly and everything was everyone else’s fault. Yes, they do happen, but only once in a blue moon. You have no control over whether someone’s Time Warner connection is shitting itself at that particular moment. You can only control what you’re doing, so you need to focus on helping both yourself and others instead of tossing all blame onto a convenient excuse you don’t really understand.

The Heroes community needs to stop mistaking what has come to be called “matchmaking” for normal shit that every player goes through in every online game. You will be matched with feeders, AFK’ers, the first-pick Sonyas, the last pick Novas, and you will be matched against the first-pick Zeratuls that can Blink-dance with one hand tied behind their backs. It’s called “life”. Deal with it. Matchmaking shouldn’t even be on your mind until you’ve been Rank 1 for months and your win ratio is very stable. Only then can it be an intrusive element that you can legitimately complain about. In the meantime, if you really want to improve, watch replays, watch high-level players in tournaments, analyze what they do, analyze what you’ve done wrong, and treat your teammates with respect and decency. What’s more, part of this “matchmaking” issue arises from the way the competitive ranking system is structured at the moment. It’s much harder to rank yourself against other players and judge where you really are when there are only 50 ranks, only half of which matter, and there’s no Grandmaster League yet to stratify and discriminate between the people who’ve gotten to Rank 1. That will be fixed in time, though. It’s not something to get worked up about.

Heroes has the potential to be a very popular and excellent MOBA, but if we keep instilling this mentality that “matchmaking sucks” and teaching new players to blame their poor performance on a convenient scapegoat, we poison their experience from the very beginning. Even at the very worst, Heroes doesn’t fuck you over nearly as much as a game like LoL or DOTA, where you’re stuck with that feeder for 30+ minutes and just one ill-matched person on either side can sink the game for you and waste such a significant amount of time. If you get stomped in Heroes, the match is over in 10-15 minutes and you move on. We should be selling that as a big feature instead of running around with our heads cut off about that stupid Sonya pick.

Perspective is everything in life, and we shouldn’t lose it here just because it’s a game. Games really are serious business. We enjoy them and invest ourselves in them, which is the only thing that truly matters for us in an otherwise brief and largely futile existence. If you let something as specious as “matchmaking” control your thinking, you’re not going to have fun in Heroes, and that’s a crying shame, because that’s what games are all about.

Duh-Winning-55132393261

Oh.

And winning. Winning is more important.

Retrocaustic: Code Geass – Episode 6

Code Geass is stupid. But how stupid? Let’s find out together.

SILLY.ZOMBIE-GIRLS

The viewer demographic for Code Geass, in all its glory.

Episode VI – Porn is the Mindkiller

  • Is this Japan? Is this the Land of the Rising Sun? Looks way too Greek to me, not that the writers would know.
  • Damn, that poor attendant had to walk, like, six zillion miles just to tell the Emperor one line of dialog.
    • “I survived another workout that could’ve been an email.”
      • Someone make a t-shirt of it.
  • “I was just talking to Clovis right now.” -The Emperor
    • “Holy shit, my boss might be crazy.” -This random-ass attendant.
      • Also, how can he see in that thing? It’s the least functional uniform ever.
  • POINTLESS FORESHADOWING IS POINTLESS.
  • “The Stolen Mask.”
    • Shit, this is the filler episode, isn’t it?
      • Must. Find. Morphine.
  • The insignificant students of the Palace of the Ashfords spend their three seconds of screentime asking insignificant yet highly salient questions.
    • What an apt metaphor for human existence.
  • “Even so, he seems kinda suspicious, doesn’t he?” -This random-ass student
    • Why? There are least half a dozen guys with the same basic features as MSGT, plus he’s wearing a carbon copy of your outfit. How does he seem suspicious? Is his laptop a Mooglebook?
  • They think MSGT might be a terrorist. They’re awfully calm for considering such a brazen thing.
  • “Even the school can confirm that [Suzaku isn’t a terrorist].” -This other random-ass student
    • Gee, man, I dunno. I think only about three people on this planet have brains. None of them are in this room.
      • Remember: this is the Empire that put Jeremiah Gottwald in military command of an entire colony of 120 million people. Your faith may be misplaced.
  • God, this entire scene is a bunch of lazy one-liners that repeat the same goddamn information over and over.
    • BIGOTED RICH STUDENTS ARE AFRAID OF SOMEONE SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT FROM THEM. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
      • Nina Einstein continues her meteoric rise into the ranks of “Worst Human Beings Who Have Ever Lived.”
  • Shirley suggests the radical idea that they treat MSGT like a human being.
    • Bitch is gonna die.
  • Lelouch learned his spy tradecraft from Sesame Street.
    • Gee, I hope no one was watching Lelouch as he left, especially the three other students that were two feet away from him in the frame.
      • I also hope no one was watching MSGT’s reaction to him.
  • And nobody follows the extremely suspicious couple up to the roof.
  • GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY.
    • I refuse to believe they had such a specific sign for a specific thing when they were bratty children.
  • Why did he just say “capsule”? Does the Japanese language not have a word for “capsule,” “container,” or anything of the sort?
    • Hmm, I guess not. English’s domination of all things in this world is getting kinda crazy.
  • Oh yeah, the girl. Whom Lelouch completely forgot about. Because the writers completely forgot about her. Lelouch did not move her or tend to her whatsoever. He just took off in Villetta’s retarded war-machine and left ALL the women behind. Where they belong.
    • Including you, MSGT, but please, continue telling us how you’re repaying Lelouche for his wonderful kindness.
      • Lelouch lies through his teeth. Again.
  • This highly suspicious scenario with a billion elements left totally unexplained will now be ignored. Again.
  • Wait, when did Lelouch get the chance to fake his own death? How did that happen? When?
    • Yeah, *nobody* in the entire Holy Britannia(n) Empire would wonder why a student using his mother’s name and who’s around the age of the supposedly deceased Lelouch vi Britannia shows up randomly under the protection of the Ashford family, a long-time ally of Lelouch’s mother. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuur.
      • See what I mean, random-ass student? Your question was pointless. As were you.
        • By the way, do you know what a bee is? I’m conducting a poll.
  • Lelouch questions why MSGT has made a number of incredibly poor decisions. Lelouch, a “brilliant” tactician and strategist, does not learn from his mistakes.
  • Lol. So for no reason whatsoever, the writers retcon the events of the very last episode and heavily imply that Euphemia intervened on MSGT’s behalf. Except that MSGT’s court-martial had already been cancelled, all charges dismissed, and MSGT released before he even met Euphemia. It was precisely that chain of events that led to his meeting Euphemia.
    • I don’t. Even. What.
      • These writers can’t even keep track of what happened two hours ago. Are they all alcoholics?
  • Oh look, there’s a picture of Lelouch right there in the fucking Royal Palace. But no one has seen him before or recognizes him.
    • I wonder if Euphemia knows what a bee is.
  • Great job, Lelouch. You murdered a prolific and talented artist in cold blood because revenge and reasons and stuff.
    • And not because he was a wanna-be mass murderer. You didn’t give two shits about that.
      • Ra ra, Lelouch.
  • Euphemia touches the extremely priceless painting, the last mementos of her dead brother, because that’s exactly what you want to do to such fragile material: smudge your oily human fingers all over it.
    • Sigh. No one cares about art anymore.
  • For the purposes of propaganda, Euphemia will never be told that her “gentle” brother tried to massacre forty million people shortly before he died.
    • Euphemia is a terrible judge of character. Just like every other female character on this show. Because women, and women have no brains. Science says so.
  • Switch to random military situation room, providing us a blindingly useless layout of a battlefield that conveys no tactically relevant information whatsoever.
    • This show dragged Sloth from the depths of Hades and made love to its sweet face in an orgy that will never be surpassed again.
  • The Britannimerican commander pauses to give a speech about information that everyone in the room already knows.
    • Behold the caliber of the Imperial War Machine, conqueror of nations.
  • These guerrillas suck. Whoever they are.
    • Like, they install their gun turrets on flat, exposed concrete slabs on a hillside instead of just burying them into the hillside where the earth would protect them.
      • Let me guess: the animators didn’t want to bother drawing anything more complicated.
  • Um, how did anybody not know the guerrillas were there? That is the most conspicuous hideout I’ve ever seen.
    • It looks like a goddamn anthill.
    • SILLY.BEEHIVE
      • “I say, Earnest, I wonder why that hill has all those guns on it.”
      • “I couldn’t hazard a guess, Elliot. Would you like some cheese with your wine?”
  • These idiots keep acting like Knightmares were invented today at 1300 hours.
    • I will remind you there have been six previous generations of them.
  • Does Cornelia seriously have nothing better to do than run around mopping up hideouts that a two-year-old could spot? Is the Britannimerican military that helpless without its named characters?
    • Yes.
  • That was a complete waste of time, fuel, resources, and ammunition. The tanks would’ve just blown up the fortifications anyway.
    • What a spectacular advancement of human technology. War will never be the same.
  • Somehow, in this universe, melee beats ranged.
    • Hey, Riot. I think your balance team might be interested in this.
  • Those bullets did not miss Cornelia. The animators just didn’t want to animate explosions. One-sided battles are soooooooooooooooo exciting.
    • Are you excited yet? If not, go kill yourself.
  • Cornelia charges alone into a guerrilla labyrinth and dismisses any offer of backup when she has no idea how many enemies are inside, what equipment they have, or what kind of traps or defenses they might have prepared ahead of time.
    • This massive mountain apparently holds a small room filled with…railroads?
      • Huh?
  • Cornelia then looks around for literally two seconds and concludes “Zero must not be here.” Indubitably, Mrs. Holmes.
    • I honestly cannot be surprised anymore by how lazy these writers can get.
  • Cornelia casually says that killing them one-by-one wouldn’t accomplish anything, then proceeds to kill them all one-by-one.
    • Filler level: Code Geass.
  • Lelouch was just sitting here in this empty dining room waiting for Nunnally to show up with Sayoko. It’s almost like he read a script or something.
  • Nunnally can identify who MSGT is by feeling the texture of his hand, but can’t suspect some random woman who steals into her house in the middle of the knight and eats her food.
  • “You’ll stay the night here, won’t you, Suzaku?” -Nunnally vi Britannia
    • “Yes, in Lelouch’s room.”
    • “Oh. That must be nice.”
    • “Uh, yeah. Very.” *wink*
      • I’m bored. Sue me.
  • Sayoko is one hell of a maid. She prepared that spread in three seconds. Ninjas OP.
  • Nunnally vi Britannia is the 340982790847098573098547087th person to ask MSGT why the fuck he’s still in the Britannimerican military.
    • MSGT must know what a bee is.
  • MSGT lies through his teeth. Again.
    • Lelouch is not fooled, considering he knows the status of MSGT’s addled nervous system.
      • Man, Nunnally, you haven’t even had your first period and your whole life is one pernicious lie. Someone’s future therapist is a rich man.
  • “You’ve really mellowed since then.” -Lelouch vi Britannia
    • Somehow it hard to picture MSGT as some precocious asshole. I think he was probably just a slightly less stupid kid than he is now.
    • “And you’ve gotten a lot rougher.” – MSGT
      • *wink*
  • Gee, I do hope the superhumanly endowed MSGT can’t hear this incredibly sensitive conversation between Lelouch and C.C. going on in the room next to him, the room that isn’t even separated by a door.
  • BA HA HA HA. Lelouch asserts he has friends.
    • Silly anime protagonist. Nobody likes you.
  • Jesus H. Christ, Jeremiah Gottwald has become an extra on a Saw film.
    • Doesn’t the Holy Britannia(n) Empire have less ridiculous restraining devices than white straight jackets bought from Serial Killers Limited?
      • Also, why is Jeremiah Gottwald so cleanly shaven? Do they shave it for him? I don’t think he can shave properly while his abdomen is being crushed by three leather belts.
        • Real answer: the animators went home at one o’clock in the afternoon.
  • Turns out, nobody likes Jeremiah Gottwald. How unexpected.
  • Yes, Jeremiah Gottwald did allow the terrorists to escape in a series of behavior and events that could best be described as a “psychotic episode.” So either Jeremiah Gottwald should be talking to a therapist or they should be investigating why several of their high-level personnel have all had such bizarre episodes in a very short amount of time for no reason.
    • But that would require brains, which go for $20 billion each on the Britannimerican black market.
  • I’m sorry, Jeremiah Gottwald was not demoted three ranks, unless “margrave” is an actual rank in the Holy Britannia(n) Empire. If it is, they’re dumb and should feel very bad about themselves.
  • Wait, so, Jeremiah Gottwald has to either go back to being a pilot or…”cultivate an orange farm?” Is that a veiled threat of forced early retirement? Really? Why are you even allowing such an inimitable moron to remain in your ranks at all?
  • Yes, MSGT, you would be in bad shape if anyone searched Moogle and put two and two together and suspected the very obvious connection between you and Lelouch, but you should also have figured out by now that no one possesses the faculties to do that. So who the fuck cares.
  • I think maybe two people at the school know of Nunnally know of her very existence.
    • Which is the perfect environment for a traumatized adolescent girl to be in.
      • Wait, is Nunnally faking all this? Is she a violent sociopath just like everyone else? I sure fucking hope so, for her sake.
  • LELOUCH RAGES. It’s cute.
  • WHY ARE THEY STILL WEARING THEIR SCHOOL UNIFORMS AT MIDNIGHT? DON’T THESE PEOPLE CHANGE? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH–
  • Gee, C.C, I hope nobody notices your brightly lit figure with your florescent green hair from that window. Certainly not any Britannimerican security personnel from the Capitol Building that’s down the fucking street.
  • Just to be clear, we have another scene in which every Britannimerican student reaffirms their undying racism.
  • Um, how did the Japanese guerrillas infiltrate the Palace of the Ashfords? Why? Did Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere help them out?
  • Oh look, there’s a huge Japanese flag on the wall there. I wonder who these people could be. Really.
  • That asshole guerrilla group named themselves “Blood of the Samurai.” They should’ve named themselves “Lords of the Anthill.” Or something.
    • If they were your largest resistance group in central Japan, then your resistance isn’t long for this world, Ohgi.
  • This episode is SO BOOOOOOOORING.
    • They even keep playing the same goddamn music over and over and over again. Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
  • Gee, Lelouch, I do hope the Holy Britannia(n) Empire isn’t monitoring your personal cellphone or the Internet.
  • Um. So….wait, those weren’t Japanese fighters–even though they looked exactly like some of them. They were just asshole students who defaced MSGT’s shirt. Oh.
    • Yeah, none of the Japanese viewers were able to read that. But good try, animators. Good try.
  • Nina and Nunnally have a scene together. Made extremely awkward by what a nightmarish psychological case study Nina is.
    • But she’s also the single most interesting character in this whole series precisely because the writers allow her to be a bad person, instead of glossing over her flaws like they do with everyone else.
      • MSGT and Lelouch could have have sex in Nunnally’s bedroom after slaughtering a small village, but the writers would still find some way to spin it in their favor.
  • Mama loves Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut, Pizza Hut. Mama loves Pizza Hut and dat check.
  • Geez, I hope nobody notices the very conspicuous C.C. answer the fucking front door.
  • Lelouch shows off his brilliance by storing all the incriminating evidence about his alternate ego in his bedroom.
    • But he painstakingly points this out to the viewer, who is apparently too dumb to draw this conclusion on his own.
  • Did that scene seriously just happen?
    • So, the cat teleported all the way over to the mask, opened it in 0.5 seconds, fished out the mask, then left the room with it in 0.3 seconds, all without making any sound or C.C., a magical immortal witch who’s been alive for hundreds of years, noticing any of this?
      • Lazy fucks.
        • And that is one badass cat.
  • Either Lelouch never changes his clothes or he has ten copies of that one uniform. Either way, this is retarded.
  • Lelouch has a heart attack because something is finally happening in this shitfest of an episode.
    • Lelouch is also baffled by how leaving such horrifically incriminating evidence lying around unsecured is leading to disaster.
  • C.C., act a little more concerned about your entire plan and identity being exposed.
    • Or you can just keep being an unlikable robot. Because you’re a woman, and women do not have personalities. Science says so.
  • They’re going to keep this music on loop, aren’t they? I’m gonna go blow my brains out. Be right back.
  • Wait, how did Nunnally know it was a cat that took something? The cat did not meow there. She couldn’t see the cat. So…
    • I don’t even. Fuck this shit.
  • “What could be so important to Lelouch?” -Rivalz
    • “A love letter?” -Nina Einstein
      • (Porn.)
    • “An embarrassing photo?” -Milly Ashford
      • (Definitely porn.)
        • Also, don’t be a dumbass, Milly. Photos aren’t physical media. Who does that.
    • “A poetry notebook!” -Rivalz
      • OHMIGOD YOU RETARDS IT’S PORN BE TEENAGERS FOR ONCE.
  • Milly Ashford actually enlists the resources of the entire school, which is busily educating the next generation of world leaders, into hunting down what is likely a porn stash. All for her personal amusement.
    • Is this satire now? Is this a subtle commentary on conspicuous consumption or something?
  • Lelouch actually considers enlisting the resources of a Japanese terrorist group to fix a mess that someone of his supposed intellectual caliber would’ve never allowed to happen in the first place.
  • Wait, how did the cat get up to the roof in five seconds? No cat moves that fast, certainly not one blind and confused as fuck. Not to mention it has an injured paw.
    • Maybe the cat knows what a bee is.
  • The cat lands on the injured paw from two stories up. Now, I know cats can fall from relatively high places without injury, but not when it’s limping.
  • LOL, that one Britannimerican asshole is just staring at the wall.
    • SILLY.ASSHOLE-WALL
      • He’s staring at the grey wall for no reason. There’s not even a picture there for him to stare at it. He’s just stoned out of his gourd.
        • The purpose of his entire existence is to stand in that pose so that he doesn’t see the cat. He’s less important than an ant.
          • GOD DOESN’T LOVE YOU.
  • CONTINUITY ALERT! CONTINUITY ALERT!
    • So in the above scene, the cat proceeds to walk down to the left while a conversation is being heard. Then somehow the scene shifts to an ENTIRELY NEW HALLWAY that looks NOTHING LIKE the one you see above as the conversation finishes. The entrance and those students frozen in time all vanish and we see two other assholes. This all happens in the space of four seconds.
      • Photographic evidence of alien teleportation:
        • SILLY.TELEPORTATION
      • And it suddenly has golden wall fringes between the windows.
        • These animators suck balls.
  • HMMM. ZERO’S MASK APPEARS AT SCHOOL. NEURONLESS STUDENTS DO NOT SUSPECT ZERO MIGHT BE AT THEIR SCHOOL.
  • Lelouch haphazardly uses his magical mind-screwing power on those two girls while shouting. I do hope the three other students standing two feet away didn’t hear or see any of that.
    • Nah, they’re staring into space and tripping on some fancy schmancy weed.
  • “Capture the cat which is running loose on campus!” -Milly Ashford
    • This campus is the size of a small city and filled with greenspace. There could be a dozen or two cats running around it. Be more specific, woman.
  • Yes, this seems like a totally reasonable way of not only suspending scholastic activities, but also DOLING OUT BUDGETARY FAVORS.
    • YAAAAAAAAAAY INSTITUTIONAL CORRUPTION.
      • Britannimericans sure learn early.
  • Oh. So the grand prize is a kiss from a member of the student council. Okay.
    • Who cares?
      • Are you implying the school gives a shit about the nerds on the council?
        • Let’s consider the students’ options here. We have:
          • Milly Ashford, because men are perverts.
          • Shirley, because men are perverts.
          • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere, because men are perverts.
          • Lelouch Lamperouge, because women totally like emasculated closeted gay men.
          • Nina Einstein, because lesbians.
          • Rivalz. ………no.
      • Upon review, we have concluded that this is actually a very devious, inclusive, and effective motivational scheme. We salute you, Milly Ashford.
  • Literally two dozen men apparate into the bushes surrounding Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere, implying literally two dozen men are stalking her at all times on campus.
    • This seems like an absurdly low number.
  • LOL. LESBIANS. I KNEW THEY EXIST.
  • Random Britannimerican football team. Because the very unique sport of American football developed in this universe. Not soccer. Yeah.
    • Fuck you.
  • This is actually the most entertaining the show has been so far. They’re certainly making up for the useless first half.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere reaffirms her undying racism.
  • Now Nunnally suddenly has super-accurate hearing for the convenience of the plot, even though she couldn’t sense her brother dragging a mysterious woman into his room.
    • Fuck you.
  • Cecile has no situational awareness whatsoever.
  • Lloyd gripes about how a school does not want a giant weapon of war parked anywhere near it.
  • Why is Rivalz even allowed to drive his motorcycle on campus?
  • Oh. So the two female leads somehow corner the cat after changing in a frantic hurry and nobody else finds it. Right. Sure.
    • The plot always gets what it wants.
  • Shirley is distracted by lesbian fantasies. Christ, woman, focus for five seconds.
  • THE CAT LITERALLY DOES NOT MAKE ANY SOUNDS WITH ITS FOOTPRINTS. NUNNALLY IS FULL OF SHIT.
    • AND THEN IT TELEPORTS TO ANOTHER BUILDING. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
  • Lelouch should be dead after running so much.
  • Awww yeah, Nina knows what’s going on. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.
  • The racists are still stunned after MSGT saved someone’s life in front of their eyes. Wow.
  • MILLY ASHFORD WANTS LELOUCH’S PORN.
    • But no one else does. Sigh.
  • Lelouch reveals incredibly sensitive information that he has no reason to reveal at all.
  • Nina Einstein reaffirms her undying racism.
  • And now Lelouch is putting MSGT on the council because fuck it he’s his gay lover.
  • “How can I refuse a request from the vice-president?” -Milly Ashford
    • Uh, it’s literally your job, president.
  • Oh, yeah, Nunnally’s on the council too.
    • ….I take back what I said about Milly’s promise to the school. That’s disgusting.
  • Rivalz the Student Council Member once again proposes underage drinking in front of a hundred other students.
    • I also take back what I said about Rivalz. This dude must get laid every day.
  • Prince Clovis’ state funeral is surprisingly austere and lacking Jeremiah Gottwald’s decapitated head.
    • Also, nobody gives two fucks.
  • That is one fucking huge portrait of Prince Clovis. It is three stories tall.
    • Seriously, it is three stories tall.
  • Sweeping shots of the Britannimerican Royal Family, exactly two of which we will see again.
  • The Emperor professes his undying Social Darwinism.
    • He then defends this via weak stereotypes and baseless assertions.
  • Kotomine Kirei is the only Britannimerican in the entire Empire who isn’t giving this bullshit the time of day.
  • Jeremiah Gottwald is still alive and serving the Britannimerican military because pixies.
  • Lloyd says something cute. Awww.
  • I’m pretty sure the other superpowers of the world are also moving forward, Emperor Fatshanks.
    • That is his name now.
  • Clovis’ death served zero evolutionary purpose. His Royal Genocide did not have to die had anyone been paying the slightest bit of attention.
  • Emperor Fatshanks preaches about stealing, competing, acquiring, and dominating things, ignoring how any effective nation relies on people not doing that to a certain degree.
  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHRU HAAAAAAAIRU BURITAHNNIA!!!!!!
    • Most inspiring slogan evah.
  • Don’t worry, everyone. MSGT will reform this system from within. He can do it.
    • (Ten bucks on Emperor Fatshanks.)