Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 2

My character has only been done a zillion times before!! Tee hee!!

My character has only been done a zillion times before!! Tee hee hee!!

Episode 2 – Hitlerami Damacy

  • Stiiiiiill 15 seconds of logos.
  • Augus the Japanese sexily exhales blood.
    • This generally means he should go to a hospital.
  • Did it…really just take him 5 seconds to swing his giant-ass sword and cleave that enemy Mobile Suit in two?
    • I don’t even remember the asshole’s name from last week. What was, it…Orlis? Maybe?
      • Who gives a fuck.
        • No, seriously. Either the asshole is dead OOOOOOR he’s going to stay dead for X amount of episodes until he comes back via deus ex machina with an absurd revenge complex v. Augus. Complete with a very scarred face.
          • YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT, BITCHES.
  • Fade to black, then to a flashback WE’VE ALREADY SEEN BEFORE.
  • Holy. God. In Heaven.
    • SILLY.KUDELIAS-CRAZY-HAIR
      • Augus, someone has to style “Kudelia’s” hair. It’s a suicide mission, I know, but IT’S A JOB ONLY YOU CAN DO!!
        • Some poor Martian logistician somewhere: “how does all the hairspray on the planet keep disappearing?”
  • Um, so some random-ass door opens up and reveals Augus shirtless in front of the princess. How did either of them get from point A to point B?
    • “Kudelia” has just been standing around like a useless twerp while Augus was just in a Gundam two seconds ago. How did any of this happen?
      • Fuck it, it’s all about establishing sexual tension or something, right? Right.
        • Sunrise is the laziest anime studio on Earth, Mars, and goddamn Pluto.
  • 15 seconds of drilling and mechanical work. And I don’t mean sex, kids.
  • LOL.
    • Maruba, the worst businessman on Earth, Mars, and goddamn Pluto, stowed away a fully-functional Gundam that doesn’t have a scratch on it just to sell it to someone else.
      • That is more convenient than a conjunction of all nine planets in the solar system.
  • Wait…wouldn’t removing all the space around the cockpit negatively affect its capabilities? And why would they do that anyway? That’s an unnecessary expense if you’re just going to resell it.
    • Maruba, the worst financier on Earth, Mars, and goddamn Pluto.
  • Man, it’s a good thing these highly complex machines can be stored for a bajillion years with no maintenance and still go straight into combat without a hitch AND interface with highly complex military combat interfaces that were built centuries after it.
    • Huh. Mars and Jupiter are aligning all of a sudden. Weird.
  • “Alaya-Vijnana.”
    • There is no way that eponym will ever not be hilarious.
      • That’s another 100 trillion yen, Japan. Pay up.
  • Since I’m the only viewer paying the slightest bit of attention, the “Calamity War” took place two centuries ago, so there is no fucking way this Gundam’s combat system is even remotely compatible with any of this technology.
    • Sunrise, your bullshit deus ex nonsense isn’t cool or impressive. It just exposes your complete lack of ambition or creativity when it comes to this exhausted franchise.
  • OH MY GOD. “KUDELIA” SOMEHOW KNOWS SOMETHING ABOUT A 200-YEAR OLD WAR MACHINE.
    • (But not any of the real problems contemporary Martians are dealing with right now.)
      • Nah, that requires her to touch the truth with her own hands or some happy-feely Japanese-y bullshit.
        • At least she found some moral compunction buried underneath all that hair.
  • “Using nanomachines, it creates a pseudo-brain lobe that governs spatial awareness.” -Or(l)ga
    • Wow. Okay.
      • 1. How’s this for a translation? “And with those nanomachines, it creates a simulated brain lobe that governs spatial awareness.”
      • 2. This is the most fucking amazing technology ever. Why is this thing sitting in a junkyard waiting to be resold for scrap?
      • 3. Oh gee, what a surprise, it allows the brain to directly process Mobile Suit data.
        • Huh. That sounds oddly familiar.
          • 04
            • Oh yeah. That was in another Gundam series made two decades ago and it just happened to turn every person who used it into ADOLF HITLER.
              • GREAT IDEA, MORONS.
                • We can’t waste any time. Gotta introduce the Crazy-Gundam system in Episode 2 instead of Episode 30 this time.
  • Let’s just stop and consider how pathetic it is that Sunrise is ripping off the same character designs and story elements from one of its own series from twenty years ago.
    • “Kudelia” just happens to look and feel a lot like Relena Peacecraft.
    • Augus just happens to look and sound a lot like Heero Yuy…except, you know, without all the legendary psychopathy.
    • Augus’ Gundam uses the Zero System because Sunrise couldn’t think of anything original to save its hide from anus-probing space aliens from Uhgpoiahpblax II.
  • If they’ve managed to perfect artificial brain simulation, then why isn’t everyone on Mars/Earth in a virtual simulation right now?
  • “Without this system, an uneducated kid like him couldn’t operate this thing.”
    • Wow. Okay again.
      • 1. Thanks for having your own characters say “it’s basically just a fucking plot device.” It really clears things up.
      • 2. That’s not how the human brain works. Even with a magical brain simulation thingie, you’d still have to take loads of training just to know how to operate any Mobile Suit in combat, let alone effectively.
        • Leave it to Sunrise to come up with a twenty-year-old plot device that doesn’t even work under its own logic.
  • BY THE WAY, Augus, this just might sooooooooooooorrta kinda possibly maybe make you want to kill all the Jews.
    • If you’re okay with that.
      • I mean, I’m not judging or anything.
  • “Your cerebral nerves could…”
    • “That’s okay. I never use them much anyway.”
      • Except right there.
        • And in every moment of your waking life.
          • Ha ha ha, what a fucking retarded joke.
  • “Kudelia” expresses shocked concern. Not because she’s thinking through how FUCKED UP all of this actually is, but that’s what her character is supposed to do.
    • “Is your life not precious to you?” -“Kudelia” Aina Bernstein
      • BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARF.
    • “Of course it is. My life and everybody else’s.” -Mikazuki Augus
      • BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARF.
    • *exhale of shocked revelation* – “Kudelia” Aina Bernstein
      • Now I need a goddamn Hitler Machine.
  • Hey, let’s use this 200-year-old neural interface device WITHOUT TESTING IT FIRST.
  • “Barbados.” It means “Zero” in Martian.
  • “How do you read this?” -Mikazuki Augus
    • LOL
      • What, are you saying this asshole mechanic can fix up a 200-year-old war machine but CAN’T READ THE LATIN ALPHABET?
        • He just babbles on for five seconds going “Barb..bara…ba…”
          • WAIT. AUGUS CAN’T READ IT TOO.
            • PBTH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA.
  • Augus suffers horrendous neural feedback and probably tetanus + gangrene after interfacing recklessly with the 200-year-old Hitler Machine.
  • Biscuit casually reminds them that there is still, in fact, a battle going on outside.
    • Shame that nobody in this scene expressed any concern whatsoever about that.
  • Oh boo. Instead of dying in horrific convulsions like any human being actually would, Augus overcomes the Hitler Dance Party Machine through sheer force of will. Somehow.
    • One of my lifelong dreams has become seeing Sunrise’s HQ burn to the ground in righteous, cleansing fire.
  • How did the Hitler Rave Device teach Augus its own name? Why would it have the capability or mechanism to do that?
  • Um, are you bleeding from your nose, Augus?
    • Eh, whatever. It’s probably not a life-threatening aneurysm. You can go.
  • Man, it’s a good thing this 200-year-old retinal projector is working perfectly fine after 200 years of rust, neglect, and a complete lack of maintenance.
  • “Kudelia” actually asks if the protagonist of an anime with 25 planned episodes can win a minor skirmish in its second episode.
    • Gee, “Kudelia,” I dunno. The odds sure seemed stacked against him.
      • It’s so suspenseful.
  • Biscuit spouts cliche Japanese nonsense that hasn’t inspired anyone since 1989 and basically amounts to stating the obvious.
  • The English in this opening sequence is so goddamn stupid.
    • When did this become a trend in Japan? Having Japanese bands hire some hack English writer to scrawl out incoherent gobbledygook and collect a check?
      • “All misleads they give ignoring our decisions.”
      • “Killing yourself your soul we have inside.”
      • Notice how the only female characters visible are not only outnumbered just by the male extras 10-1, but are also all in supporting roles.
        • Would be nice to have a FEMALE LEAD GUNDAM PILOT sometime in the next two hundred years.
          • At least “Lieutenant” Noin was shown to be a kinda-competent Mobile Suit pilot in an anime from TWENTY YEARS AGO.
  • And now back to the combat. I wonder who’s going to win.
  • The scared n00bie pilot is freaking out over here or something.
    • WE RUSHED IN WITH BAD INTELLIGENCE AND NOW IT’S COMING BACK TO BITE US IN THE ASS. HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE WHAAAAA.
  • Calm down, Ein. (Thanks for telling me his name again.) You haven’t seen Orlis’ body yet. I’m sure it’s quite possible he’s still alive.
  • Man, it’s a good thing this ragtag group of underfunded child laborers had the proper fuel to make this 200-year-old Hitler Race Race Revolution Machine move.
  • “NIGASU NNA!”
    • Oh, so terrifying: it’s a line that every anime character in combat ever has uttered in indignant rage. The suspense grips me.
  • Let me guess: Crank, a veteran with a machine that is 200 years newer and who has far more combat experience, is about to be crushed by the 12-year-old kid with the Hitler Karaoke Machine.
  • Um. WAIT. IS AUGUS USING HUMAN SHIELDS? HA.
    • That Hitler Xbox sure doesn’t waste time, does it?
      • I am losing my shit.
  • Sigh, Ein charges in recklessly and protests that this highly reckless attack will somehow do something even though it clearly won’t.
    • Ein, how does it feel to be a one-dimensional character with a highly predictable character arc?
      • Must be quite the existential experience, I’d warrant.
        • Maybe you should find another job that doesn’t crush both body and soul.
          • Like at Wal-Mart.
  • Of course, they’re both magically on the same radio frequency.
    • Sunrise, go fuck yourself and jump in a frozen lake.
  • 20 seconds of pressing against each other’s weapons. Yawn.
  • Crank is surprised to find a child piloting a Mobile Suit after attacking an installation he knows is filled with children.
    • I can scarcely imagine how Crank will react when he finds out that water is wet. He might have a heart attack.
      • Nobody tell him.
  • Augus is talking about slaughtering them all.
    • Um, Sunrise? Is this supposed to be profound? Because it’s just horrifying.
  • “I AM LOSING BY STRENGTH.” -Crank
    • These subbers suck my balls.
      • What native English speaker would EVER say that?
        • Hey, here’s an idea: “HOW IS HE OVERPOWERING ME?”
          • Put me on this subbing team, for Christ’s sake.
  • “WHAT GREAT REACTION SPEED.” -Crank
    • Can you guess what Japanese word started that sentence?
      • HMMMM.
        • Could it be…なんて?
          • NOOOO. NO WAY.
            • I, being in no way fluent in Japanese, could script an anime episode with little effort.
  • WTF. THE GUNDAM IS RUNNING OUT OF FUEL.
    • HOLY SHIT, LOGISTICS EXISTS IN THIS UNIVERSE.
      • MY SOUL IS REVIVED. PRAISE BE THE LORD MARS.
  • “Yamagi” has a bowl-cut of golden hair.
    • I could accept maybe one or two of these guys having Japanese surnames by sheer chance. Not five, six, or EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.
      • Are we sure Sunrise also isn’t running a Hitler Karaoke Booth at its HQ? Someone go get a SWAT team and sort that shit out.
  • Oh dear, a bit of incompetence leads to Augus running out of fuel mid-battle. Not the sheer difficulties of a 200-year-old war machine even being compatible with modern fuel.
  • Man, it’s a good thing Augus has all this time for these two retards to spasm comically  about how they can’t do their fucking jobs.
  • If its thrusters don’t have fuel, how can it move?
    • Like, what’s the energy source allowing it to run around the battlefield like that? It has to be coming from somewhere.
      • The souls of small children? Does the Hitler Disco Party draw energy from them? I’m more willing to accept that than anything else I’ve seen so far.
  • Ein somehow received a shoulder wound through no discernible chain of events.
    • And is somehow piloting his complex Mobile Suit with one hand on the controls.
      • Sure, Sunrise.
  • Crank’s years of experience tell him to retreat at the exact moment when the tactical situation shifts overwhelmingly in his favor.
    • They could seriously just kill Augus right now, but aren’t for some reason.
      • That reason is called bling-bling.
  • Uh, Augus? I think your jugular vein just ruptured.
    • I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’re in good hands with Grandpa Hitler Doll.
  • Meanwhile, the evil Caucasian peeps still haven’t had time to fix their faces.
  • No no, just stand there staring pensively at the Gundam while Augus is bleeding to death inside. He’ll wait.
    • He doesn’t use those nerves anyway. His words.
  • Random female character whose name we don’t even know is driving an impossibly stupid and dangerous one-wheeler truck across the Martian landscape.
  • Oh yeah, she totally heard those two girls shouting at her over the roar of her engine.
    • Nothing in this series makes any goddamn sense.
  • “何?失敗しただと?!”
    • No, seriously, I could go write an episode for Sunrise. Why not?
      • How shocking that such a hastily and ill-conceived mission whose objectives weren’t ever clear in the first place failed miserably.
  • “We lost a third of our soldiers and a Graze.” -Crank
    • Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but I saw Augus kill exactly one person. I guess that technically counts as a “third”, but really? That’s overselling your losses, Crank.
  • “Kudelia” is actually “Kuderia.”
    • I don’t give a fuck. It’s not changing, bitches.
      • Besides, as retarded as “Kudelia” sounds, it still sounds a billion times better than “Kuderia.”
        • No, seriously. Try pronouncing “Kuderia” with an English r-sound.
          • Now you feel bad, don’t you? You should.
  • ”ふざけるな!!”
    • I’m typing up my resume to Sunrise right now. How do you say “To Whom It May Concern” in Japanese?
  • “NANTE KOTO KA?”
    • First-grade literature right here.
      • How did my terrible plan fail so terribly? I must now bristle at the sweat on my brow while clenching my fist on my desk.
        • What a unique and original pose no anime character has ever done before.
  • “Kudelia Aina Bernstein” is apparently also the leader of the Martian independence movement.
    • Uh, two hours ago she was just the daughter of Mars’ leader who wanted to find out about the real world. When did she become the leader of an opposition movement? While she was fixing her insane hair?
  • Huh? Their plan was to assassinate “Kudelia” using clearly-marked Earth security forces and hope the Independence Movement just fizzled out instead of flaring up?
    • These writers haven’t the slightest inkling of how humans or geopolitics actually work.
      • Or anything else, for that matter.
        • Sunrise? More like Sundown.
          • …sorry, that’s all I got.
  • Then Mars would go into further turmoil and hate Earth further…which would accomplish what, exactly?
  • This man is insane. How did he get into a position of power?
  • “WHO CARES IF THEY ARE KIDS?” -Asshole Commander
    • Um, all of humanity.
      • This commander apparently has never heard of the term “PR”.
        • How does slaughtering children out of hand help solidify support against the Martians?
          • Answer: it doesn’t.
            • But this moron is a thrall of the plot, so he must say comically genocidal things just to get things moving instead of having relatable people do relatably tragic things in a tragic conflict.
  • Oh dear, Danji is dead.
    • ….no one cares.
      • Except this guy, for some reason.
        • I don’t care that he’s dead. He went out like a fucking idiot and got himself killed. Boo hoo.
          • And apparently his only defining character trait was that he wanted to die smothered in breasts.
            • ….is that supposed to be funny, Sunrise?
  • Generic First Corps guys all have the same face.
    • I am not kidding.
  • This one Caucasian Devil needs twenty rounds of plastic surgery.
    • He is never passing on his genes, that’s for sure.
  • Some random Italian-looking guy rubs his nostrils with his finger and looks all sheepishly conniving.
    • Yep. Confirmed. Sunrise has a Hitler Playstation.
  • Why is this twelve-year-old girl allowed to drive across a Martian landscape to deliver goods to a rundown military unit?
    • She’s four feet tall and is driving a truck with one wheel in its front. How does that thing even survive a bumpy road?
  • Biscuit has twin sisters named “Cookie” and “Cracker”, neither of whom are fat.
    • ….is that supposed to be funny, Sunrise?
  • Uh, are you expecting me to believe this rundown brigade has a fancy, modern waiting lobby?
    • Seriously?
      • I hate this series. I really fucking hate it.
  • Aww, the twin sisters are acting precocious just like all other 妹たち have done in every anime ever.
  • Oh, her name is Atra. Only took 45 minutes of total screen time to say it once.
    • But they have all the wherewithal to say every male character’s name every two seconds just to make sure the audience doesn’t forget.
      • It’s fucking insulting.
  • “Where’s Mikazuki?” -Atra
    • Oh, nowhere. Just suffering a brain hemorrhage in a place with no medical facilities.
      • Wait, he couldn’t cut the link to the Hitler Goat Simulator while Augus was unconscious and the system was off…?
        • He had to turn it back on just to disconnect it?
          • …….
            • I have no words.
  • Poor you, Crank. Your attack on child soldiers cost you one casualty while slaughtering 110 of the other side.
    • What a “crushing” defeat.
  • Atra has an unrequited relationship with Augus.
    • 10 points to Gryffindor for originality.
  • Suddenly “Kudelia,” who two hours ago was just a girl trying to find out the truth of the world, is speaking to the United Nations and conveniently explaining Mars’ cosmopolitical setup that has lasted since the Calamity War.
    • Apparently Earth is divided into four economic blocs…?
      • And this division is what caused Mars to be poor.
        • …okay. That makes little sense on its face.
    • And this setup has caused lots of children to die.
      • Because Mars has a developed industrial economy but also has a high birthrate somehow?
        • …no.
    • Oh, I get it. This is supposed to tie in with the “Iron-Blooded Orphans” title.
      • They honestly want us to believe that Mars is a planet populated mainly by children
        • It’s not happening, Sunrise.
  • “Kudelia’s” stupid hair offends my soul.
    • She has the gall to lecture Earth on how children are dying, but consumes more hairspray than an entire city.
      • And now she blames herself for all this…?
        • Why? She had nothing to do with it at all.
  • Fumitan returns.
    • “Where have you been?”
    • “Hiding like a smart person, you stupid bitch.”
  • Norman Bernstein wants his daughter back.
    • I wonder if “Kudelia” will defy his wishes.
      • Oh look, “Kudelia” just defied his wishes.
  • “This trip to Earth was supposed to be done in secrecy.” -Kudelia
    • Funny how every single person on Mars knew about it somehow.
      • And how would you keep a 5-month journey to represent a planet a secret anyhow? What would the point of that be?
  • I, “Kudelia,” having just nearly died in a horrific attack involving the massacre of innocent children, must now refuse safety until I can “confirm” some vague philosophical goal and develop my character a millimeter forward into well-traveled territory.
    • Fumitan, get me some more hairspray.
  • CAN WE HAVE ONE FEMALE PROTAGONIST IN AN ANIME THAT IS CONFIDENT ABOUT THEMSELVES FOR ONCE?
    • MY GOD.
  • Augus has the balls to cut her off.
    • But only to lecture her about looking down on his nakama-tachi or something. Because reasons.
      • This is anime at its lowest and most cliche.
  • GENERIC SHOCKED LOOK OF REACTION.
  • Now it’s time to pontificate about how ignorant she is for five more minutes.
    • HER HAIR IS WIDER THAN HER ENTIRE BODY.
      • OH, HIS EYES. THOSE EYES WERE SO FIERCE AND DEFIANT.
        • TAKE ME AND DEFLOWER ME, AUGUS.
  • I want these twins to die impaled on a rusted metal girder.
    • “Kudelia,” for her part, can die drenched in hairspray with a burning match tossed on top of her.
  • The evil thugs appropriately look like thugs.
    • Mr. Caucasian Devil still needs his teeth and/or cheeks fixed.
  • Why are any of these people afraid of Lupin IV? He’s obviously a complete shitbag who tried to abandon them in the middle of battle and they know it.
    • Why don’t they just call him on his shit? They just saved their asses. You really think anyone in the unit besides Lupin IV’s little cowardly cadre will support him?
  • “あいつらゆるせねえ!”
    • Cliche line #96874635213654698745.
  • Oh wait, they’re actually talking about doing something. Finally something mildly engaging might happen.
    • “I did, but in this sort of situation?” -Eugene
      • You mean the one where they just tried to leave you all for dead and then beat your leader to a bloody pulp for standing his ground and doing his job?
        • It sounds like the perfect time to take over. Eugene was willing to suggest a coup when everything seemed peachy. Why is he getting cold feet now, of all times?
  • By the way, I still don’t know what “CGS” stands for.
  • You know, if Maruba and the First Corps were such scum, it begs the question as to why these guys have put up with this shit for so long in the first place.
  • Or(l)ga is the distant ancestor of Trowa Barton or something.
    • Or(l)ga, the second-most prolific hairspray consumer in the Mars Sphere.
      • Also this scene’s Exposition Maestro.
  • “We’re human debris.” -Akihiro
    • As if any Japanese viewer would know off the top of their heads what “Hyuuman Debburi” means.
      • And he declares he’ll mindlessly obey whoever’s in charge instead of, you know, taking charge.
        • What a memorable character.
  • Or(l)ga forgot about Augus, the guy who is probably still bleeding to death somewhere.
  • MEANWHILE, AT THE HALLS OF JUSTICE.
    • Ein’s only redeeming quality is his delicious pecs.
      • Magical cartoon bandages heal all injuries.
    • Crank seriously intends to go back and fight the people who just kicked his ass all by his lonesome.
      • Good on him. I hope he fucking dies.
  • Crank babbles on about soldiers and disgrace, forgetting that he just killed 110 children.
    • OOOOOPS.
  • “I don’t want to fight.” -Crank
    • So don’t fight.
      • “But if I have no choice but to fight…”
        • So just run away and don’t fight. I honestly don’t see what’s the dilemma, Crank.
  • Augus is apathetically fatalistic.
    • Meh. I don’t care either.
  • Blah blah blah, gambare, blah blah blah.
  • “But if it’s something you decided, I’ll do it.” -Augus
    • Ummm….what if it involves killing all the Jews?
      • Oh wait, no, you’re cool with that already.
  • Great. These fuckwits showed up.
    • “Specialist Major” Fareed and “Specialist Major” Bauduin.
      • Anaphylactic shock, here I come.
  • MWA HA HA, I AM MAJOR CORAL AND I LOOK LIKE THE LOVECHILD OF ALEC BALDWIN AND CLAUDE FROLLO. BO HA HA HA HA.
    • LOOK AT HOW EVIRU AND GROVORINGU I AM.
  • Oh gee, the highfalutin Specialist Majors (as if that’s a rank somewhere) interrupt Major Coral in order to establish their imposing will of character.
    • No one’s ever done that before.
  • KATAKANA CREDIT BARRAGE GOOOOOOOOOOOO.
  • ….is that a cross explosion?
    • Hideki Anno is gonna sue somebody.
  • Look at all these children climbing unaided on this five-story-tall war machine.
    • It’s totally not dangerous.
  • “Kudelia’s” hair is taller than the cornstalks in this frame.
    • Burn the corn. Burn the land.

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