Iron-Blooded Orphans – Episode 1

MOICHANDIZING!!

MOICHANDIZING!!

Episode I – Get in the Fucking Robot

  • 15 seconds of logos.
  • PP 3/5. Man, they don’t waste time with the inane foreshadowing.
  • Oh great, they’re kids. Because no Gundam series could ever deal with adults and be successful.
    • Oh good, they’re not kids. They’re teens instead. Who…somehow have the voices and bodies of adults. Or something.
  • “Slacking off” apparently means “sleeping” in their language.
  • Why does he have a Japanese name in the future? I mean, really? What are the odds of that, considering he has WHITE FUCKING HAIR?
  • “Maruba” (another inexplicably Japanese name) is the “president”. Ooookay…
  • Oh look, it’s a Gundam. Ten bucks says one of these two will be piloting it in less than thirty minutes.
    • Money. It’s a gas.
  • If the engine room is “top secret”, you should probably keep it guarded instead of unlocked and easily penetrated by two truants.
    • One minute into the series and these people are idiots.
  • We’ll give the Gundam one extra scene. Gundams always need more screentime so the kids will buy our shit–I mean, because they’re very important to the story.
  • And we’re on a terra-formed Mars. I seeeee.
  • Of course the representative has a daughter and needs escorts for her trip to Earth…as if she has any sort of diplomatic experience or authority.
    • Gee, I wonder who those escorts are going to be. HMMMMMMMM.
  • “The Third Group” looks like the most unprofessional group of whatever-the-fuck-they-are on the planet. They’re wearing green and orange uniforms. Green and orange.
    • Not one of them is gay. Calling it right now.
  • “Kudelia Aina Bernstein.”
    • Pbbbbth ha ha ha ha ha. Did they pick three random English words out of a name dictionary and smash them together? Pbbbbbbtttttth.
      • As required by the Diet of Japan, the voice actor paused for 0.68 seconds to say that weird “English” name.
  • “Biscuit.” Oh, he’s chubby. That’s why they named him biscuit. How cute.
  • So “Kudelia’s” mission just happens to be a cosmopolitical fulcrum that, should something untoward happen to it, might trigger a war or open conflict. HMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
    • Sunrise, you might want to try a different plot. I’m pretty sure there are a few dozen others ones you can work with. Just go take a writing class and stop being lazy.
  • “Kudelia” picked these guys. Since when does she have a say in her military escort? Is she a soldier? Does she know anything about that? Does the President of the United States handpick his Secret Service escorts every day? No.
  • GRUFF VAGUELY LATIN AMERICAN HARDASS YELLS AT THEM.
    • (Latin American diversity quota: check.)
      •  I’ll call him Lupin IV. He looks vaguely like him.
        • Yeah, way to go, Lupin IV: talk down to them and treat them like shit for no goddamn reason. That’ll help.
  • WHY…ARE THEY HAVING TEENAGERS CONDUCT LANDMINE-PLACEMENT DRILLS?
    • ARE THESE PEOPLE ALL HIGH?
      • IT’S ONLY THE THIRD MINUTE OF THE ANIME AND THEY’RE ALREADY VIOLATING THE GENEVA CONVENTION.
        • AND THEN THEY’RE GONNA HAVE THEM REMOVE THEM TOMORROW? THE FUCK.
  • THEY’RE CONDUCTING LIVE-FIRE EXERCISES INVOLVING HIGH-SPEED VEHICLES RIGHT NEXT TO THE CHILDREN CONDUCTING LANDMINE-PLACEMENT DRILLS.
    • HOLY SHIT.
  • Wait…why are they not wearing shirts while piloting these? Um…okay.
    • I mean, I don’t mind per se. It’s just incredibly fucking stupid.
  • “Mikazuki Augus”. That is not his fucking name.
    • Like, seriously, what are the odds this random guy is Japanese?
  • ABUSING TEENAGERS CONDUCTING FORCED LABOR.
    • Real sympathetic, Martians. I so want to root for you now.
  • Racist caricature of a Caucasian man. His jaw is crooked and his cheeks are shaped in the form of evil.
    • For great justice, Nippon. Except to anyone who doesn’t look like us.
  • “CGS”. Why do they all have these uniforms and these teenagers have none?
  • Blonde guy questions the idiocy of this entire plan to escort “Kudelia”.
    • Oh, nice job on translating “お嬢様” as “Young Miss”, you lazy subbers. As if any person speaking a language other than Japanese would say it like that.
      • They’d call her by her actual name. Be creative for once.
  • Biscuit is eating happily. It’s funny. Because he’s fat.
  • Takaki, the guy who does not look at all like someone of Japanese lineage, has a Japanese surname. Why?
    • Ethnocentrism, 123! It’s bad for you, but good for me!
  • The Blonde Guy is now spouting off exposition in order to kill time. Nobody gives a goddamn shit, you asshole.
  • Uh, “Kudelia”, I don’t think picking a squad of greasers to escort you to another planet was the best idea you’ve had in your short life.
  • “Eugene.” At least he looks like he could be “Eugene”, not fucking Takaki over there who looks like he was born in fucking Connecticut.
  • Mikazuki nearly rips this poor guy’s ear off. So sympathetic.
  • “Akihiro,” the first person with a Japanese surname who actually looks like he could kinda sorta be Japanese.
    • …progress? I guess?
  • Oh God. “Kudelia” calls her mother “お母さま”. Why. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
    • Bitch is a stuck-up ho. Because that’s the only way a woman can be competent.
      • Equality is for LOSERS.
  • Why does her mother call her by her middle name “Aina” and sound like every other old Japanese mother in every anime ever? Sunrise is really pulling out all the cliches in this one.
    • Oh, and she’s so softspoken and ladylike and drinking tea. The perfect stereotype of a perfect noblewoman.
      • Fuck you, Japan.
  • “お父様”.
    • Fuck you, “Kudelia”.
    • Fuck you, “Mom”.
      • Also, why is your father giving you such an important task as this? It seems, I dunno, batshit insane.
        • Also also, how many gallons of hair spray do you go through a day, you little twerp?
  • GRRR, I HATE MY STEREOTYPICALLY WEAK-WILLED MOTHER. GOD FORBID KIDS IN ANIME EVER HAVE NORMAL, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS WITH THEIR PARENTS.
  • This poor maid is probably like “Bitch, I have to change your shit-damp sheets every day. I don’t want to hear about your First World Problems.”
  • “I want to see and feel the truth.”
    • This is the extent of “Kudelia’s” character. There is a 10^-billion chance she’ll be developed any further.
  • “I chose these child soldiers to escort me because they weren’t born under Earth Rule.”
    • I will also ignore they’re child soldiers and that using them is morally reprehensible on its face.
      • I, “Kudelia”, am the best mediator in the universe.
  • “I have to interact with such people to learn what the real problems of Mars are like.”
    • As opposed to reading about it and educating yourself beforehand through far safer means at far more appropriate times.
      • If you’re planning to represent your entire planet, you might want to have done a little homework in advance before the day you set out.
  • “Norman Bernstein.”
    • He lives in a split-level tree.
      • Hee hee, the Japanese have no idea.
        • Oh, of course he’s craven and weak-willed. Like all Japanese fathers.
  • “Sir Coral.”
    • Is an evil asshole.
      • Yellow and silver uniforms. Not a single person drawing this show is gay.
  • Orlis is also an evil asshole. He has that lovely Caucasian face that looks like it just went through an industrial blender.
  • Ein is an insecure n00bie. He’ll probably panic.
  • So many proper nouns we can’t pronounce, so little time! Woo hoo hoo hoo!
  • In order to properly set everything up in an anime, the first line out of a character’s mouth must include another character’s name.
  • “Gaelio.”
    • He needs a buff, Riot.
      • What nationality has purple hair?
  • “McGillis.”
    • Is also an evil asshole who waxes philosophical at every opportunity.
  • “The economy of Earth depends on Mars.”
    • Which is used up.
      • Somehow.
        • Lazy cosmopolitical setup is laaaaaaazy and stupid.
  • “Gjallarhorn.” Who comes up with this shit?
    • In case you didn’t notice, the Japanese are addicted to weird-ass foreign proper nouns. It’s like crack for them.
      • Their uniforms are only 600 years out of date. No one dresses with capes anymore, you retards.
  • For forced labor conditions, those cots are absurdly roomy.
  • Gay chin-up contest is gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
  • It takes 5 months to go from Earth and back. And Earth plans on enforcing its will on Mars…how exactly? That’s a longer time than it took to go from Great Britain to America.
  • I have no idea whom Orga (Olga?) is talking to.
    • “Whiskers”? The fuck is going on? What are these people talking about?
  • “Man-Machine Interface, the Alaya-Vijnana System”.
    • That one alone cost them 100 trillion yen.
  • FORCED IMPLANTATION OF CYBERNETIC DEVICES ON CHILD LABORERS. MARS IS SO SYMPATHETIC.
  • Oh, Olga is the kinda of guy with the will to overcome incredible pain without anesthetics. I’m pretty sure that’s not how biology works on any planet.
  • Please let Mikazuki and Orga be lovers. That would be fun.
  • “AFEWA” is the name of a popular Mars department store.
    • That, or the animators threw in the towel two minutes into drawing this scene.
  • What a very timely mass protest.
    • Complete with girls in swimsuits. Oh, Japan. You never change.
  • Wait. I guess it’s actually “Safeway”. Huh. Well, they got me there.
  • Enough about peaceful protesting. Time to go to the slums.
  • “Haba’s Store”. Prime cacti for sale.
    • Wait, so…who are these people?
      • One thing’s for sure: the black lady is definitely not a protagonist.
        • The white chick has red eyes. You know who’s the protagonist. Don’t try to deny it.
  • They stand with their feet apart when going to “attention”. Yeah, these are real soldiers. Totally.
    • And they show up in work uniforms as opposed to any sort of service dress. Mmmm, Okay.
  • Awkward greeting with “Kudelia” is awkward.
    • The poor guys are probably just trying not to laugh at her retarded name.
  • Of course she takes an inexplicable interest in Augus. We could never be original.
    • Fumitan (her maid) is like: “Bitch is on the prowl.”
  • LET’S SHAKE HANDS. IT’LL BE POIGNANT AND NOT AT ALL RIDICULOUS OR CLICHE.
    • And of course she’s now attracted to him because he was basically considerate.
      • Fumitan: “Bitch is a virgin.”
  • Sunrise still thinks it’s really insightful to have everyone pontificate about philosophy in their spare moments.
  • The Ahab Reactor is a plot device.
  • “Humans are like that.” I WAS WAITING FOR IT.
  • And all of a sudden there’s a massive armed attack.
  • Fumitan: “I’m not fucking paid enough for this. See ya, bitch.”
  • Augus, of course, is a genius at combat.
  • The leaders, of course, are craven and money-grubbing.
    • Every non-protagonist looks like a savage white devil. It’s so comical.
  • “Kudelia” is hopelessly naive. Because reasons.
  • HMMMM. THE GUNDAM. DUN DUN DUN.
    • No one saw *this* coming.
  • “Danji” is a fucking idiot and risks the lives of his squadmates in order to be a hero.
  • “Kudelia” is holding her hands together in a typical pose of womanly helplessness.
  • About time for the Mobile Suits to show up.
    • BUT IT’S A GOOD THING WE HAVE A GUNDAM. CONVENIENTLY.
  • Orlis is a sociopath.
  • Nobody thinks to, like, shoot at their legs. Or something.
  • Yawn. Augus comes to save the day in a fancy Gundam.
  • Orlis is dead.
  • Look at all that katakana in the credits. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.
  • The English in this song is complete gibberish.

Keep avoiding risks and repeating the same tropes, Sunrise. At least it’ll get you into Purgatory.

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