Retrocaustic: Code Geass – Episode 3

Code Geass is stupid. But how stupid? Let’s find out together.

Oh. A gun. I thought you'd never ask.

Oh. A gun. I thought you’d never ask.

Episode III – Lelouch Lamperouge’s Day Off

  • It’s this fucking recap again. As predicted.
    • In the face of the Knightmare Frame, Japan lost its marbles and forgot it could shoot bullets at the following established weak spots: the eyes, knees, foot propulsion units, arms, legs, and any other part resembling a human joint.
      • Remember last episode where we learned there have been six previous generations of Knightmare frames…somehow? No way this weapon was a surprise for the Japanese military. Therefore, I submit a formal request to Sunrise to stop lying to us and reveal themselves for the Lizard Overlords they really are.
  • The Knightmares randomly open up their cyclops thingamabobs and scan things or something. Why do they do that? What function does it serve? Do they have no knowledge of the battlefield until they use that? If so, that makes them blind at almost every point on the battlefield.
    • The real answer is that the animators thought it looked cool. Without even thinking about it.
      • This is not necessarily a bad thing:
        •  SILLY.ALL-THE-CROSS-EXPLOSIONS
  • Are we still on this recap we’ve seen twice already? How inattentive do they think their viewers are–oh wait, it’s over.
  • I know it’s a cool shot, but that part of the opening where Zero is standing on a 2-inch-wide pillar randomly located in the ocean isn’t something anyone but the most physically apt human being could do. Lelouch is the exact opposite of that.
  • “The False Classmate.” That’s a very good title, albeit confusing, because all these “high-school students” attend, maybe, two classes out of the year, still get full credit, and don’t miss out on any relevant information that would affect their careers or ability to function in society. So who is it referring to?
    • Fuck literacy. Fuck education. Fuck viable job paths. I CAN PILOT GIANT ROBOTS.
      • It worked out so well for Shinji.
  • Yeah, soldier. You’re smart. What did happen to that POISON GAS that started this whole massacre out of the blue anyway? Where did it go? These are important things to wonder, but life is confusing and disappointing, so don’t expect anything satisfying.
    • Where are the Japanese people? There are no Japanese people in this shot.
      • Real Japanese People:
      •  Japan's Economy Shrinks More Than Forecast After Record Quake
      • Not Japanese People:
      •  SILLY.NOT-JAPANESE-PEOPLE
    • THAT GUY NEXT TO KALLEN STADTFELD’S DERRIERE HAS FUCKING BLONDE HAIR.
      • And now there’s a random French Guy?
        • I’m very confused.
  • Hmm. Prince Clovis has been giving orders that are so out-of-character as to defy belief, and now you realize he’s the only one on the command floor. Hmmm. I have a theory: you need to be fired.
  • Why does Lelouch’s gun have a red lightbulb on it? What does that do? How does it add to the gun’s functionality? It still fires bullets, not lazers. What’s the point of the lightbulb?
  • Clovis tries really hard to pretend to be nice and compassionate after casually ordering the massacre of 40 million people twenty-ish minutes ago.
    • Great plan. I’m sure it’ll work.
  • Hey, um, Lelouch? Why aren’t you calling Clovis out on his rank moral travesty instead of thinking entirely about yourself and your “tragic” childhood that was better off than, oh, 90% of all humanity ever?
    • Our fearless leader, ladies and gentlemen.
      • These guys take forever to talk. By now, competent security forces would have stormed the place and taken Lelouch captive. Thankfully, no such things exist in the Holy Britannia(n) Empire. They have no need of them.
        • Except for, uh, right now.
  • Holy shit. These random terrorists storming the Royal Palace had such an advantageous position they were able to lay strafing fire through all the open windows of the palace? What was everyone else doing? Smoking weed?
    • And how the fuck did Nunnally survive? How did they hit everyone except the small, helpless child being held in her mother’s arms?
  • Clovis, again, it’s not so hard to believe you’d be complicit in the cold-blooded murder of someone. Go back three bullets (hee hee) and see for yourself.
    • One death is a tragedy, but a million is breakfast at Clovis’.
      • His favorite dish is blood crumpets.
  • Sigh. Here is why Lelouch sucks as a character and a messiah figure. Instead of chastising Clovis for ending his short career as Third Prince by trying to one-up Pol Pot, Lelouch makes everything about this massacre and all the events of the past two episodes all about him and his personal vendetta with the Empire. Then instead of thinking about it for five seconds and turning the Third Prince into a reliable source of information or influence within the internal workings of the Empire, Lelouch wastes his trump card a singularly personal question, as if Clovis would know anything about the murder of Lelouch’s mother. What is he basing this hunch on anyway?
    • Surprise, Clovis knows jack-shit. Too bad for that Geass.
      • And then he just straight-up murders the guy. Not that Clovis didn’t deserve it, but that’s the problem: Lelouch didn’t seem to give a shit that Clovis had done all those bad things. Why did he kill him? Just because he didn’t like him? Woo, go Lelouch. I believe in you now.
  • Ashford Academy, home of spoiled Britannimerican children who pay no attention to their royal history and have not already recognized Lelouch Lamperouge as Lelouch vi Britannia.
    • They must all be smoking weed and/or pixie dust.
  • Just to emphasize how fucking spoiled these kids are, we’ll have a creepy horseback riding club member strut his horse right outside the window. Most schools struggle to get a budget for a good music program. How much money does this school have?
    • MY RANDOM ENGRISH WORD WILL MOTIVATE YOU BITCHES.
  • Wow. So the leader of the Ashford Academy Student Council is a perverted whore. This place is nuts.
  • How big is this fucking school? It makes Versailles look like a run-down hostel.
  • In a world not run by sociopaths, the school would have been evacuated after a supposed incident involving POISON GAS. Fear not: Milly Ashford knows best and checks out girls years younger than her in the school locker room.
  • Gee, Lelouch. Why would the tyrannical World Empire cover up the fact that its Third Prince had been inexplicably murdered in its own backyard?
    • I have a suggestion, Lelouch: go back to your history class at your fancy-ass academy and learn how autocracies tend to operate. Then you won’t ask retarded questions.
  • Uh huh. Lelouch has already been shown to be a sociopathic crazy man. Why is he vomiting over killing Clovis?
  • Jeremiah somehow has the brains to recognize that the mysterious killer of the Third Prince won’t be found by a cursory, superficial investigation, but not the brains to fight inexperienced Japanese rebels using inferior technology.
  • Villetta spins some cockamamie idea of moving up in the world in the wake of Clovis’ untimely demise. Lelouch was 17th in line to the throne. That leaves at least 15 other people who could succeed the Emperor. How does this change the political situation of the Empire in any way that either of them could exploit?
    • In other words, Villetta is high as fuck.
      • I still want to know what country she’s from.
        • And what hair dye Jeremiah uses.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere shows up at Ashford Academy. Like magic. From pixies.
    • The girls gawking over her clearly imply she has been at the Academy for a while. How did Lelouch not recognize her?
  • Geez, that name must’ve been hard for Rivalz’s voice actor to pronounce.
  • Rivalz, you must be high too. Doesn’t anyone question how a frail girl who is never in school somehow remains at the top of the class? That isn’t how scholastic ability works, you know.
    • SUSPICIOUS SUSPICION IS MENTIONED ONCE AND SUMMARILY IGNORED.
      • Rivalz somehow knows all of Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derrier’s personal history, but teases Lelouch for having a crush on her. Lelouch does not tease him back for being an obvious creep.
  • “What’s a bee doing in here?” – Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere.
    • What…?
      • Huh?
        • Has Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere never been outside in its life?
          • You’re in a lush garden filled with trees and flowers.
            • Do you not know what bees do?
    • EVERYONE IS HIGH AS FUCK.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere has a violent outburst in the middle of an open courtyard which she karate-chops a bee out of thin air and rants about how she has to act like an invalid.
    • Everyone was freaking out at the bee two seconds ago. Did she think nobody would keep watching her? Or that her voice wouldn’t carry?
      • Oh wait, everyone is high. I forgot.
  • “Oh crap, he saw me!”
    • No shit, asshole.
  • Aaaand Lelouch not only wastes his trump card yet again, he uses it in a conspicuous setting in which any number of a hundred normal things could interrupt his mindrape of this girl.
    • Like, say, one of Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere’s terrified friends coming over to see if she was okay. That might throw a wrench in this scenario.
      • But of course it doesn’t happen, because no one in this universe knows what the fuck bees are.
  • Man, it’s a good thing nobody in this courtyard is listening to Lelouch talk about being in Shinjuku yesterday and piloting Knightmares.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere is half-Britannimerican, half-Japanese. Which definitely explains why she looks nothing like a Japanese person.
  • Oops, something went wrong. What a shock.
    • Luckily for Lelouch, Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere is as retarded as she has ever been, as she refuses to question why she doesn’t remember talking to this weird guy she’s never met or why he specifically mentions Shinjuku and reacts as guilty as humanly possible. Nor does she recognize his voice after listening to it over the radio for hours.
      • Duuuur, what’s a bee, Kallen? What’s a bee?
  • Lelouch is a retard. He already knew his magical powers had limitations through his encounter with Villetta. Why didn’t he test it out beforehand instead of risking everything offhand?
  • Holy crap, Nunnally’s maid actually resembles a Japanese person. There is some order to this galaxy after all!
    • But because this show sucks ass, they had to dumb it down for the audience (which is primarily Japanese) and show them making origami cranes. Because there are no other elements of Japanese culture these Japanese writers could think of.
      • This scene also establishes that Sayoko knows British.
  • Why does the top-secret not-POISON-GAS military research facility use crappy laptops instead of top-of-the-line mainframes and equipment? Is it to show we’re in the future?
    • Fuck you.
  • Wait. Wait wait wait wait wait wait. These people know exactly what Geass is and what it’s capable of. They have Geass-empowered subjects in containment literally right next to them. And later on, we see that mind-controlling powers are a dime-a-dozen among their research subjects. So explain to me how these people are running around with their heads up their asses without the slightest inkling as to what’s going on?
    • Seriously, why doesn’t General Bartley put two and two together and figure out that C.C. probably ended up giving someone a mind-control Geass? This is the obvious conclusion that they are obviously missing, and they have all the relevant information to come to this conclusion after two seconds of thought.
      • Bartley, you already know that the Emperor knows what you’re doing. Or should at least suspect it.
        • This show is so fucking bad.
  • There is no way Nunnally does not know what origami is after living in Japan for almost all her life. It was probably the first thing they showed her when they arrived in Japan eight-ish years ago. This is only done to setup the fact that Sayoko is their very Japanese maid and establish a shallow motif of compassion for Nunnally because the writers can’t think of competent ways to develop her character.
    • God in heaven.
  • What did her talking fast have to do with her soup dripping from her mouth? She wasn’t talking when she put it into her mouth.
    • This studio can’t keep track of basic continuity.
  • Why does she call Lelouch “onii-sama?” What normal Japanese person would call their brother that? And how would that even translate properly? Dude, these two characters aren’t Japanese. They’re British…ish. Their culture does not have equivalents for “ani” and “otouto,” nor do Western cultures call each other by their social positions so stiltedly. Nunnally would just call him “Lelouch.” So why doesn’t she?
    • Because these writers are racist idiots, in case it wasn’t obvious as the color of the sky.
      • By the way, it’s totally appropriate, grammatical, and natural among Japanese families to just call each other by given names. This goes beyond racism. It’s sheer laziness. The writers are following established tropes without thinking about anything whatsoever.
        • News flash, anime fans: Code Geass is commercial trash, not an anime masterpiece. It’s about as creative and intelligent as Grey’s Anatomy.
  • Blah blah blah, if you fold a thousand cranes, a wish comes true. The trope is fulfilled, the motif is established. Let’s move onto something else that doesn’t make me want to punch people.
  • Nunnally wishes for the world to be a gentle place. She is living in an elaborate mansion with a maid of a conquered people in a conquered land and never has to want for anything.
    • Nunnally is a shallow, spoiled, vapid child without an ounce of perspective.
  • Lelouch responds with a bland platitude that no insightful person would believe.
  • Let’s stop for a second here: there is nothing physically wrong with Nunnally’s eyes or body, right? It’s just the Emperor’s Geass affecting her, correct? So how does Lelouch not suspect something is really weird about all this, particularly after having just received magical mind-control powers?
    • “Psychologically-induced blindness” is bullshit, people. The human nervous system does not work that way. No, don’t try to use “psychosomatic response” as a euphemism for plot magic. There has to be some sort of damage to the brain, the nervous system, or the eye for one of the most fundamental and critical human senses to stop working. People cannot subconsciously will themselves to stop seeing or hearing, and thank God that is so.
      • So again, Lelouch should be a little disturbed by how his sister cannot see for no discernible reason.
        • How is she so well-adjusted anyway for having witnessed the wholesale murder of her mother? Put her in counseling, for God’s sake.
  • Wait, maybe they do all have brain damage.
    • Or I do.
      • Shit.
  • The Ashford family, which runs a palace-school in a conquered Britannimerican territory that is literally in sight of the capitol complex, is sheltering an exiled Prince of Britannia.
    • The Holy Britannia(n) Empire has no need for “intelligence.”
      • And why are they sheltering them anyway? Isn’t that risky? What are they getting in return? Are they doing it because they’re nice?
        • Oh, wait, no, they glossed over that and moved on. Okay.
  • I have to laugh, Lelouche. As if none of these bright, elite Britannimerican students haven’t figured out who you are.
    • After all, you look exactly like him, are still using your name, are still using your mother’s maiden name (really crafty there), and have your sister, Nunnally, right there with you.
      • I do hope none of them ever get the whimsy to type “Lelouch vi Britannia”–or even just “Lelouch”–into Not-Google, otherwise your whole scheme is totally fucked.
  • Oh, pity poor Lelouch. I’m pretty sure an oppressed Japanese child scrounging for dirt to eat would trade places with you and your terrible fate of living in comfortable mansions and being political tools/prey of others’ conspiracies.
    • You pretentious jackwaggit.
  • “I have to make a world where Nunnally can live happily.”
    • The perfectly comfortable life with her brother in a mansion where she is waited on hand and foot without fear or want doesn’t count, apparently.
      • Remember this, kids. It might have some relevance somewhere down the line.
  • Yeah, Japan. The Japanese invented the pinky promise. No other culture has something remotely similar to this.
    • Wikipedia seems to indicate the pinky promise has existed in America since 1860, if not earlier. Hmm. That’s weird.
      • It also seems to indicate the Japanese tradition of 指切り likely originated in China.
        • China. I wonder where that is.
          • Do you still like this series? I fucking hope not.
  • How did Sayoko communicate a Japanese poem to Nunnally without her having a deep knowledge of Japanese culture or language? It’s almost as if this whole scene was written by Japanese writers with only the most vague sense of how other cultures outside their own operate or might communicate things.
    • China. Never heard of it.
  • That’s the grossest pinky promise I’ve ever heard of. I love it.
    • Lelouch, I hope you do eat a thousand needles. It’s the least you deserve.
  • Don’t worry, Nunnally. I’m sure Lelouch will never lie to you.
    • Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeever.
  • Is this fucking scene over yet?
    • It is. Hooray.
  • “This the only weapon I have.”
    • Not your intellect. Not your connections. Not your scandalous knowledge of a potential cover-up of your mother’s murder. Nope. No other weapons.
  • So that’s interesting. The Britannia(n) capital was transferred to America after being defeated at Edinburgh. That sounds rather fascinating. Maybe the show should concentrate less on Lelouch’s idiotic plotting and more on this alternate history.
    • I know, I know. Bad joke.
  • Lelouch does some basic investigatory work. I’ll admit, this does put him ahead of L in the intellect department at least.
    • Though that’s not saying much.
  • HOW BIG IS THIS SCHOOL?
    • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere is talking on a radio on an open balcony. Sound waves travel approximately two feet in this universe and go no further.
      • Nor is anyone intercepting this radio communication somehow.
  • Wait. This isn’t a radio communication. This is a cellphone communication.
    • Holy shit. They are sooooooooooooooooooooo fucked.
      • Like, completely, totally fucked.
        • Jesus Christ, you idiots. Don’t you remember who built the fucking cellphone network here after the war? You really think the Britannimericans won’t intercept this call?
  • KALLEN STADTFELD’S DERRIERE SUSPECTS LELOUCH, CONFIRMING THE EXISTENCE OF AT LEAST ONE FUNCTIONING NEURON IN HER BRAIN.
    • But she can’t recognize his voice. It’s probably just one neuron. Alas. I had such high hopes for her.
  • Why do they paint their Knightmares purple? That’s fucking stupid.
  • Wait, what just happened with Bartley and Jeremiah and all them? Why did he brazenly attack a funeral procession? How is something so sacrilegious going to advance his standing in the Empire? Why didn’t the show tell us what just happened?
  • So the student council has its own separate mansion for a club house. That’s it. I feel absolutely no pity for any of these people anymore. They can all burn in a fire.
  • What was Lelouch planning to do once he brought Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere here? He knows she can kick his ass. What was his plan?
    • Skipped over that too. Instead, let’s learn how spoiled these kids are some more.
  • Oh, so Milly’s dad asked her to let Kallen, a borderline truant, into the school’s student council. That makes no sense.
  • Why did Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere bow just like a Japanese person would? THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT JAPANESE.
  • Rivalz is the secretary. Pbbbbbth. No wonder this student council gets jackshit done.
  • Shirley, of course, lists no official role in the student council as part of her introduction. She does, however, mention she’s in the swim club. What relevant information that Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere would never be interested in.
    • Some forty-year-old Japanese guy would, though.
  • Nina doesn’t even tell her anything about herself at all. Fuck it.
  • Rivalz suggests underage drinking. Rivalz is da bomb.
  • Did nobody catch how Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere caught that cork like nothing? Why don’t these people ever suspect anything their nervous systems tell them?
  • That wasn’t remotely sexual in anyway.
    • Nor is this totally necessary shower scene.
  • Oh, poor Lelouch. He lives in a mansion with his sister. Here’s a single, solitary tear from the Native American people.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere doesn’t seem to consider how jumping to conclusions like this and giving away the truth about her physical condition might backfire.
    • She also a knife in her purse. For some reason.
  • Why does she say “yes” and “no” in that sentence? Does the Japanese language not have words for either?
  • What. What the fuck.
    • Why is there a random phone in this bathroom?
      • Why is it there?
        • Who would authorize the expense of installing a phone line into this bathroom?
          • What?
            • How?
              • Why?
  • No, Lelouch. There is no way you could have planned this out.
  • Kallen Stadtfeld’s Derriere has no concept of “operational security.”
    • This resistance is more doomed than the Noldor.
  • Ha ha ha. Lelouch spins it as a game on the Interwebs. Ha ha ha.
    • I hate these writers so much.
  • Oh yeah, KSD. Lelouch, whom you believe to be innocent, has no reason to suspect you for A) lying about how weak you are and B) for having a fucking knife in your purse and threatening him in the shower with it after C) getting a weird phone call from some guy that mentioned a “ceasefire.” Isn’t it kinda weird how cool and calm he’s taking all this?
    • Huuuur, what’s a bee, Kallen?
  • This school has automatic doors. It has fucking automatic doors and fancy phones in every bathroom.
    • I hate this school so much.
  • Again, there is no way Lelouch could have planned that.
  • Lelouch gives examples of how the student council just doesn’t require much work. You heard it, people: creating a school budget, planning major events and festivals, etc., do not take work. Lelouch has never worked a day in his life.
  • There’s a Cross-Dressing Party?
    • A Silence Masquerade?
      • A Swimsuit Day?
        • (I wonder what demographic this is for.)
  • Clovis is dead. The mass murderer is dead. Everyone is so, so sad.
  • Hey, Suzaku. Still think you can change the system from within?
  • Drown, you motherfuckers. Drown in your champagne with a bathroom telephone wrapped around your necks.
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